topic Re: Wedding Rant in Community Chat

Wedding Rant UPDATE

Abrowneyegirl — Sun, 19 Jul 2015 18:33:55 GMT

So I need to vent..........

A cousin of mine is getting married, I am not close to him or his family. Until a recent funeral I had not seen him since he was a toddler. My husband and I had a pleasant conversation with him and his fiance. They are both legal professions.

Through a family member I was informed that they were getting married this summer and told to 'save the date'. This involved my husband cancelling a business trip.

The invitation arrives yesterday and it is addressed to me and only me, using my maiden name! Even on the inside envelope it is addressed to only me, no guest!?!?!

This is a formal wedding so all the instructions are quite clear.

My husband thinks it is an oversight. I think it is odd at least and rude at most. I think professional people who are having a formal wedding should know how to address a wedding invitation.

I sent back the response card with my regrets and will leave it go. I feel bad for my husband who cancelled a flight and meeting. I think we will have to go away and do something fun that weekend.

Update:

I spoke with my Uncle this afternoon. (His brother is the father of the groom). He called to confirm hotel arrangements etc.

He informed me that I was the only cousin "to make the cut" None of the other cousins (including his children) were invited. This struck me a strange considering the other cousins are closer in their relationship.

The long and short of it is: I learned that there must have been a error because my Husband was to be included on the invitation.

WHY? Because we are the only cousins that could afford to attend a fancy wedding AND afford to give a nice gift. The other cousins are not in a financial position to be a "good return on their investment." Apparently we were 'sized up' at the funeral, but not so much to note my DH name.

AFTER I picked my jaw up off the floor....... TACKY and poor manners/etiquette. I hope their advanced degrees serve them well in other ways.

I am glad I already responded with my regrets.

Re: Wedding Rant

sallybusky — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:04:49 GMT

At the very least, the couple would generally allow for a 'plus 1' on an invitation. However, you spoke with them at the funeral, so they were definitely aware that you have a husband. You made the right decision!

Re: Wedding Rant

sunshine45 — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:06:52 GMT

i probably would have called or emailed to clarify the invitation before i declined.

Re: Wedding Rant

Maxine49 — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:07:35 GMT

I would have spoken to the same family member that told you to save the date to see if she/he could have shed some light on the issue before sending the response card back. It does seem very odd, but perhaps someone was helping with addressing the invitations and they goofed.

Re: Wedding Rant

circles — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:10:06 GMT

I wonder if someone unfamiliar with you was given the job to fill out the invitations...or perhaps was given an old address book that had only your name...

It seems odd that they would only invite you...using your maiden name...and not your husband when they chatted with you and your husband at the funeral...

I really think there was a slip up...accidently...

Re: Wedding Rant

RedTop — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:10:53 GMT

This sounds like someone has not updated their address book, so I agree with your husband that it is likely an oversight. After making the effort to save the date, my reaction would have been different.

Re: Wedding Rant

KathyPet — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:13:23 GMT

How odd! I have never heard of inviting only 1 individual when it is a married couple. Since you have already responded it is too late to question it but either a error was made or the bride and groom need a wedding etiquette book.

Re: Wedding Rant

seaBreeze — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:16:52 GMT

Browneyes,

That is quite a dilemma! And truly a faux pas on the part of your cousin. The only excuse I could think of is that "the bride" is completely overwhelmed and did not take the time for find out your husband's first name, and apparently forgot your married name .... I know that's a stretch, but the only sane reason I can think of.

You made the right choice not to attend.

Re: Wedding Rant

violann — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:17:27 GMT

If your maiden name is the same as the groom's name, I can understand the mistake.
No idea about omitting your DH.
Don't think being "professional people" enters the mix at all.

Re: Wedding Rant

chiclet — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:17:43 GMT

I really don't think I would want the expense and bother of attending a wedding of someone I had only seen once in over 30 years even if they had included the husband.

Re: Wedding Rant

hckynutjohn — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:17:44 GMT

Along with the sending back the invitation, I would add my wishes to whomever signed the invitation. Can assure the chances of hearing from that person again would be slim. If I did I would tell that person how I really felt, and PC? Not a chance.

Pretty obvious she/is way above me in the Social World.

Re: Wedding Rant

Winkk — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:23:44 GMT

I agree that I think it was an oversight. However, I also agree with your decision to decline. Since you have not seen this cousin since he was a toddler it isn't that much of a dissapointment. You should use your husband'a time off and do something fun.

Re: Wedding Rant

gabstoomuch — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:57:39 GMT

In my opinion, if they did not take the time to find out my married last name, and I had not seen him since he was very young, I would feel like a "gift guest". It cost a lot of money to go to a wedding nowadays, and I am finding that more and more young people do not seem to know etiquette.

I would have declined even if they had gotten the invite correct. That is just me though.

You may have wanted to connect with extended family members who perhaps you had not seen in a long time (which is a benefit of a wedding for people you rarely see, others are there that you DO want to catch up with), but to not invite your husband by even adding "and guest" was just rude.

Hubby is free now for that weekend, make it fun somewhere else

Re: Wedding Rant

beach-mom — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 16:32:13 GMT

I agree with those who think it was probably a mistake. You said HE is your cousin. Chances are SHE and her family and friends sent the invitations. But she would still get the information from his mother, and SHE should have known your situation. It's possible she just gave her future daughter-in-law an old list(?) IDK - If you're not that close to him OR his family, which I assume is an aunt and uncle, I would politely send my regrets, by signing my married name, and spend the time with your DH!

Re: Wedding Rant

missy1 — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 17:47:33 GMT

I hope you addressed the reply back in large print that states your married name, as well as your husband's name.

Re: Wedding Rant

guatmum — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 18:04:45 GMT

I agree that it was probably an error by someone given the job of writing out invitations. I would have contacted someone closer to the bride/groom before declining if I really wanted to go.

All of that being said, I completely disagree with inviting individual persons to a wedding. EVERYONE, including those that are not married, should be given the opportunity to bring someone whether it be a friend or a romantic partner. Though weddings are supposed to be "the bride's day," they also take most if not all of the day of each of the guests. Going to a wedding IS expensive and to spend it alone simply because one has not joined "the married club" makes it miserable. If the couple can't afford to let everyone bring someone, they need to pare down their list. jmo

Re: Wedding Rant

jackthebear — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 18:56:36 GMT

do brides/grooms farm out sending invitations? if so it is their responsiblity to be sure that addresses and names are correct.

In this case declining the invitation is correct, she hasn't seen the person in 30 years probably won't again.

Re: Wedding Rant

Nataliesgramma — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 19:12:21 GMT

If they can't take the time to find out your married name...I am sorry...I wouldn't find the time to buy a card or attend.....

Re: Wedding Rant

BabyYoda — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 22:15:17 GMT

That was the right thing to do, not to go to the wedding.

Re: Wedding Rant

Anniecamp — Sat, 18 Jul 2015 22:46:31 GMT

This happened to someone in my family recently, only it was a graduation announcement. Sent it to her by her maiden name. Did she get offended? No!

OP said the cousin and she met up at a funeral. I think it's nice to establish or re-establish contact with family, even though they've not had contact.

There were too many chances of a glitch in this to get so offended. Maybe the bride's parents wrote the invitations, etc. How are they supposed to know everything? Especially when it comes to a guy giving the information. (Yes, I said it, but too often it's true.)

I can imagine the criticism if the invitation was written to "Mr and Mrs. maiden name".

Families often try to re-connect after many years, and they're usually glad that they did. We have some family that we only see each other at weddings and funerals, and we love seeing each other!

I think that the OP had a knee-jerk reaction, thinking only about themselves, without checking to see if her husband was being omitted.

I wouldn't want someone that becomes that hostile over something so petty at my wedding, anyway.