topic Re: Elder Abuse in Community Chat

Elder Abuse

surfk — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:49:33 GMT

Has anyone had any experience with this most troubling issue (either in the past or presently)?

I find it always deeply disturbing whenever I read or hear about the abuse of the most vulnerable people in our society: children, the homeless, the disabled, the elderly, animals...

You know how certain things just make you rather sick to the stomach? Those things always are like a gut punch to me for some reason. While, intellectually it bugs the cr*p out of me and makes me angry, I have a very visceral reaction to it all.

I do personally believe strongly in visiting the sick. That is my thing in a way. I feel its a moral obligation to be there for those who need us most - or need someone at all. Its amazing how many elderly people, for instance, have really no one. Many are terribly alone and vulnerable.

While I only go to perk up their day I do always try to pay attention to how they're living or being treated. And sometimes, one runs into very disturbing things.

Of course, I suppose we all know about the abuse of neglect. Your classic bed sores stories or being left in one's own urine for hours at a time. for example.

And we read about the more horrific abuses of sexual abuse of the elderly or of orderlies in nursing homes putting out their cigarettes on patients' skin.

But many times we don't really regard the emotional/verbal abuse that happens. I see or hear about so much of that. Its usually some family member of the elderly person who thinks they can just go to town ragging on their mother or father because now they're stuck in a wheelchair or confined to someplace.

Leaving elderly in tears and emotionally distraught is, of course, a form of elder abuse.

But unlike the physical abuses, its always more difficult to discuss or even target in on the emotional.verbal abuse. I hear so many pros or just people chalk it up to, "Oh, everyone has family issues...", or what not.

I was visiting someone recently and while there, her phone rang. I sat there and couldn't help but hear the SCREAMING and YELLING voice of someone on the other end. The woman I was with is 92, frail and confined to a bed.

She began to weep and was clearly shaken up. I asked WHO (in the freakin' he*l) that had been on the phone. And she said it was her son.

He was berating her for having been a horrible mother. He was glad she got her due. She deserved to be alone and suffering...etc...(according to what this woman could choke out to me).

Yet when I told other about it, they ALL just kind of said, "That's family."

I mean, COME ON. That's not family. That's ABUSE.

I wonder why so many people will acknowledge that such an interchange is a terrible thing - but then they write it off so easily at the same time???

Any thoughts??

Re: Elder Abuse

Bird mama — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:36:13 GMT

Yes, I have strong opinions, however I need a few minutes to get my vocabulary straight in order to post something that won't be removed.

Re: Elder Abuse

jackthebear — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:39:27 GMT

Each state has a Division of Elder Affairs, report it.

Re: Elder Abuse

NoelSeven — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:41:05 GMT

It bothers me that someone said that's family. No, it's not, it's abuse, and even family members can be abusive.

It makes me sick, too. Literally, a physical reaction as you have. Any abuse of children, animals, the disabled or our elders.

Re: Elder Abuse

MyGirlsMom — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:47:41 GMT

Oh my.. what a horrific exchange.

No, situations like this shouldn't be brushed off with, "it's family." Love, honor and respect goes a long way. Personally I don't believe in nursing homes and for three years, my husband, myself and his brothers shared the responsibility of taking care of his parents. We had the ability to have in home care givers but we were committed to caring for them. At the beginning I was pregnant and then newborn and I thought of them as my children too. No, everyone can't have their parents of grandparents at home but regular and unannounced visits will show them you care. Regular outings (if possible) goes a long way to.

While you're in your 40's make plans for your own care if something should arise. There's insurance you can buy that will pay for in home care. Make sure your legal papers are in order, medical proxy, will, etc. are taken care of as well. SydneyH had shared some sad moments with us last week after her loved one died.

Re: Elder Abuse

Bird mama — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:50:05 GMT

Okay now, let's see if this stays :-)

My feelings are based on bad experiences with health care providers as it relates to family members, my Ma in particular. Anyone reading this who may be in a medical field, please take no offense. Also know, you are not going to change my mind because you did not walk in my shoes :-)

Old people are not valued as they should be in my opinion. They are either treated like they are stupid, or less than human, or just too old to add any value.

I don't know if the health care delivery system is overburdened or just looking to hit the insurance card.

They know how to get a social worker involved when they want to transfer an old person to another facility, again to hit their insurance card. They don't want to get involved with rotten children/family members being mean to patients because, well , then they would really have to get involved, versus just hitting the insurance card :-)

I admire your restraint. If I had been in the room and the old woman would have started crying, I would have gotten up and disconnected the call for her. I probably would have unplugged her phone and told her, honey, take a nap while I am here and I will reconnect the phone for you before I leave.

Re: Elder Abuse

Bird mama — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:00:55 GMT

Oh yea, and as far as the son of the 92 year old woman.

He's confident and mouthy now. I wonder if he even recognizes the seed that he has sown. I hope that when it comes time for him to reap the harvest, he's frail, petrified and alone at the mercy of the next generation of care givers.

Re: Elder Abuse

surfk — Wed, 01 Jul 2015 03:08:11 GMT

@Bird mama wrote:
Oh yea, and as far as the son of the 92 year old woman.

He's confident and mouthy now. I wonder if he even recognizes the seed that he has sown. I hope that when it comes time for him to reap the harvest, he's frail, petrified and alone at the mercy of the next generation of care givers.

Karma is a b8t%h at they say.

The anger out in the world is tremendous. And I tend to fear that many people begin to think its somehow, if not "normal", then, acceptable.

Problem with verbal/emotional elder abuse, in my opinion, is that can get lost in so many other issues affecting the situation.

People indeed write it off casually as "Families all have their problems".

Or that somehow since the situation overall is stressful, its "just" the way some people, feeling angry and overwhelmed, they "vent".

But although sadly we do, we really wouldn't accept those excuses for a parent abusing a child.

Mommy's "just" stressed...so she hits you??? Daddy can't balance the checkbook so he berated, humiliated and called his daughter (the c-word)???

It just seems always so much clearer when its a child who is the target or victim. We have zero tolerance for such abuse - and still it happens to thousands of children every day.

And in their situation, they have neighbors, other relatives, teachers, school mates, etc within their sphere.

But the elderly sometimes have no one AND are also shut off somewhere - with very little to zero contact with anyone (even to help).

Its part of why I find it my private calling to visit the sick, the elderly in particular. They are often totally forgotten...by everyone perhaps other than some abusive relative (usually an offspring of theirs).

Re: Elder Abuse

Chrystaltree2 — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:11:30 GMT

First, they are hearing the story second hand. They weren't there and they don't know the people and they don't know the circumstances. I don't think they are dismissing the idea of elder abuse; they just aren't terribly interested in your story. Of course, elder abuse exists. I don't think anyone doubts that. In this case, the son was verbally abusive to his mother and at 92, she shouldn't be subjected to that. For all anyone knows, the son's feelings could be quite valid but he should do his venting to a therapist.

Re: Elder Abuse

Himi lover — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:13:58 GMT

I feel very sad after reading the OPs post. What a terrible situation to have your family treating you in such a manner. And as far as animal abuse, I read a headline on our local news website about a puppy that was found severely beaten. I couldn't even read the article, it made me so upset. How evil some people are. It makes me so sad. Psychotic and sadistic.

Re: Elder Abuse

PamfromCT — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:28:39 GMT

Hi Surdk, I want to commend you for your sympathy towards to this poor person. I have volunteered for years with the elderly in a skilled nursing unit, so I know how much love you have in your heart. Can I ask: Is this a nursing home setting? If it is, go to the top of the "food chain." A social worker first, then to the top administrator. sometimes when things are put in writing they become more powerful, if you have to do this. If you are in a private home setting, or in a nursing home, there may be another family member who can intervene. Is there a clergy person who sees this person? How about her family doctor?

Don't stop. As far as the flip answers you have gotten, always remember that "no one wants to deal with a problem." But now you are there to deal with! I did see one patient hospitalized after a big occasion when no family came to see her.

I did get very heavily involved once when I had a dear friend dying of cancer. Husband got very, very emotionally abusive to her. Not in front of me, but she would tell me about it. We tried everything, speaking to her clergyman, calling her grown son, etc. She still wanted to at home regardless, likely to be around her little pet she intensely loved. Last two weeks were in a hospital, so I knew Mr. Bully would never act up in front of others. How her husband and son avoided us! Isn't that too bad! I'm telling you this to prepare you that there are always ramifications for doing the right thing. But my motto is "Do the right thing for Jesus."

I wish you all the best!

Re: Elder Abuse

Vickiv — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:33:08 GMT

Yes I know verbal abuse. I'm in my 70's. Two years ago I had this happen to me. The hurtful words that was said to me is unforgettable. The screaming . He had me so beat down I started to believe him. I told no one what was going on. I was in such an emotional wreck I even thought of sucide. Then one day he threatened me. I called the police they told me to make home move out. When I told him he had to go he went into a scary rage. Finally I got him out. Took me 2 years to get back to normal. I am fine now happy and proud who I am. He talks to none of the family or me. You see I miss him and will always love him. He was my son.

Re: Elder Abuse

NoelSeven — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:35:34 GMT

vicki, your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry this happened to you. I commend you for having the strength to save yourself.

Re: Elder Abuse

pitdakota — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:37:26 GMT

surfk,

In this state, all assisted living facilities and long term care facilities must have the name and number of an ombudsman posted in the facility. Your state may be the same way. I would find out who you would report this to.

Then you might go to the manager in this place, report the incident, and report the patient's reaction. Make it clear that you are reporting this incident in that you want this addressed by the care team. And if not, you will continue to work your way up and report it until someone listens.

And thank you for being an advocate for the vulnerable!

Re: Elder Abuse

MyGirlsMom — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:37:28 GMT

@Vickiv wrote:
Yes I know verbal abuse. I'm in my 70's. Two years ago I had this happen to me. The hurtful words that was said to me is unforgettable. The screaming . He had me so beat down I started to believe him. I told no one what was going on. I was in such an emotional wreck I even thought of sucide. Then one day he threatened me. I called the police they told me to make home move out. When I told him he had to go he went into a scary rage. Finally I got him out. Took me 2 years to get back to normal. I am fine now happy and proud who I am. He talks to none of the family or me. You see I miss him and will always love him. He was my son

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Re: Elder Abuse

Bird mama — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:40:06 GMT

@Vickiv wrote:
Yes I know verbal abuse. I'm in my 70's. Two years ago I had this happen to me. The hurtful words that was said to me is unforgettable. The screaming . He had me so beat down I started to believe him. I told no one what was going on. I was in such an emotional wreck I even thought of sucide. Then one day he threatened me. I called the police they told me to make home move out. When I told him he had to go he went into a scary rage. Finally I got him out. Took me 2 years to get back to normal. I am fine now happy and proud who I am. He talks to none of the family or me. You see I miss him and will always love him. He was my son.

Awww Sweetie - maybe one day, some sense will get knocked into him. Where is a mule or donkey when you need one :-)

I'm not making light of your situation - it has to be one of the most catastrophic things to have your own child turn on you.

I am glad that you have rebuilt your life.

Re: Elder Abuse

PamfromCT — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:50:07 GMT

Dear Vickiv, What a terrible thing your son did to you! I am so, so sorry. I hope and pray he will have a change of heart someday and ask for your forgiveness. All my best!

Re: Elder Abuse

Nataliesgramma — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 21:59:54 GMT

I'd like to know when it became acceptable to scream like a banshee at members of your family. Little kids are mouthy and scream obscenities at their parents when they are told to do something and they don't want to. Some parents scream at their kids during sporting events if their child didn't do good enough......... Wives and husbands scream every 4 letter obscenity they can think of to each other in front of their kids. I see people scream at the cashier at Target or Wlmart if their credit card is denied.

What happened to respect? I am 60 and I NEVER screamed at my Parents or Grandparents.

It is sad the way our society treats the elderly and vulnerable......but it really doesn't surprise me.....

Re: Elder Abuse

AuntG — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 22:03:02 GMT

There is probably so much of this going on that will never come to light. At least in a nursing home, people are around. It's those who are confined to their own homes and are being cared for by devious family members who fly beneath the radar.

Re: Elder Abuse

Vickiv — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 22:07:02 GMT

I have learned a few things from all this. Council On Aging forget about them. Police were wonderful. They told me they could not do anything at that time to get him out. But if he physically hurts you or threatens you then they can step in. He threatened my life so they stepped in. I can't begin to tell you the compassion they had. I can't imagine being sick and bedridden and have this happen. I was a good mother tried everything to make him happy for years. When he was married he verbally abused his wife. She finally had enough. Some people say just report it. Guess what sometimes it falls on deaf ears. I felt things would get better . We always think that when something is bad. It's Called hope. I have learned that you can't think it's going to get better it's not. If you are able enough you have got to get rid of the abuser. It may be a family member ,spouse, dear friend whomever. I was very fortunate I came to the decision I can't take it any more ,enough is enough.