topic Re: Looking for advice not judgment. in Community Chat

Looking for advice not judgment.

sbrcal — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 00:51:19 GMT

I am leaving my marriage. I have a 13 month old son. I doing this as much for him as for myself. I married a chronic liar who has no concept of how to tell the truth. Seriously will lie about anything no matter how small. He is impatient and agressive with our son. He is a dark and unhappy and selfish person who would be happier alone. He and I do not share finances except we each pay 50 percent of the rent and he pays for our health insurance. I pay for everything else for my son and I. I don't want to involve you in my drama but I would like advice from anyone who has gone through a divorce on how best to prepare. Id appreciate learning from your experiences. Knowing what you know now, how would you have prepared? Tia.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

game-on — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:49:05 GMT

First of all.... do you have a good lawyer? That is the first thing I would do. I wonder about the lease on your residence or do you have a mortgage? I would take into consideration how to break/end a lease or what to do about your property. I would have a copy of every legal document you have, including every bank account you own.... I would realize that the minute you file for divorce that your child will not be yours... you will then have to file for custody. The most difficult thing I had to come to grips with was that I had to prove myself worthy of the custody of my children. I know that you will have a terrible emotional journey but you will come out on the other side.... just prepare yourself with the facts and tune out his words... divorce tends to bring out the worse in people. I would hold my tongue as much as you can. Remember words can come back to hurt you. I wish you the best.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

missy1 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:10:14 GMT

Get your ducks in a row before you file. Don't let him know. Get all important papers, bank accounts etc together. If you own your home, don't move out. (unless abusive) Make sure you get temporary orders filed, along with the divorce petition. If you can prove he is an unfit parent, than you may get sole custody (it is very hard to get). Custody seems like it will be your biggest issue, since you do pay your share of the bills. (you have a job etc.) He won't be able to take you off the insurance when you file. I assume your are both covered under his job. If you can't afford a lawyer it can be done Pro se, or even have a para legal look over the paperwork. Make sure you do have a consultation with an attorney.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

dobiesrule — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 03:37:08 GMT

I think you have gotten good advice from the previous posters. Good luck to you. It is a tough thing to go through.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

NYC Susan — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 04:49:58 GMT

I'm divorced, but it was amicable so nothing in my experience would be helpful to you. (Obviously, you should retain a good attorney - Either someone you know or someone referred by someone you know. Having trust in your attorney is very important.)

I did want to say, though, that life after divorce can be quite wonderful. I happen to love being single again, and it is far better to be on your own than to be married to the wrong person. I hope you realize that - as hard as things are right now - your future can be very bright.

I wish you luck and happiness!

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Kachina624 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 07:26:34 GMT

Did you file a joint income tax return? If you haven't filed yet, I'd consider "married filing separately" or you might end up holding the bag down the road, as I did. Squirrel away as much money as you possibly can. Be sure to ask for child support. Sounds like he doesn't like kids so he may not want much in the way of visitation, although he'll probably say he does just to be a PIA. It can be a huge relief to be free again!

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Pook — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 11:31:25 GMT

Sounds like you got some great advice and I have nothing to add there but I wish you luck and much happiness for the future!!

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

ID2 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 12:19:03 GMT

Oh please consult a lawyer with your list of questions!!! Asking housewives on a shopping channel bulletin board is rather....ummm...silly?

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

missy1 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 13:49:24 GMT

On 3/15/2015 ID2 said:
Oh please consult a lawyer with your list of questions!!! Asking housewives on a shopping channel bulletin board is rather....ummm...silly?

I am sure the OP will. I have to say there are smart people on here. Also, ones that just recently went through a divorce.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Still Raining — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:23:18 GMT

First of all, for now, keep it private. Gather documentation you need and consult a lawyer about how to protect your assets. Then consider the more practical matters, where to move, job changes, childcare changes?

Don't worry too much, it will be fine on the other side and your life will go on in a good way for both of you. A relief even.

And most of all, don't become bitter, keep your dignity.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Anglophilly — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:28:02 GMT

I've never been through a divorce but people close to me have. It's a painful process that can have consequences for years after.

Before consulting an attorney, I think I'd find a good counselor, maybe a clinical social worker. You need someone to help sort out feelings as well as give practical advice. If you feel you're in danger, there's information on the safe way to exit.

Everyone deserves a chance for happiness and security, especially that little baby.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Vamp — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 14:53:17 GMT

No judgment here--You do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. I don't really have an advice to add because I think everything I would have said has already been covered, but I just wanted to wish you the best. It's going to be rough going for a while, but you'll come out of it on the other side a stronger woman.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

missy1 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 15:37:46 GMT

On 3/15/2015 Vamp said:
No judgment here--You do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. I don't really have an advice to add because I think everything I would have said has already been covered, but I just wanted to wish you the best. It's going to be rough going for a while, but you'll come out of it on the other side a stronger woman.

I agree much stronger, and happier!

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Financialgrl — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 16:12:05 GMT

People are mentioning taxes. Right now is tax time and if he does the taxes or you use a CPA or paid preparer service, make sure you get a copy. He can hide a lot from you that is harder to hide from the IRS; however, if he is self employed, keep in mind the only info going to the IRS is what he reports so it'll be harder to nail down his true income so you may have to figure out some of that by keeping eyes and ears open cuz his net worth would figure out child support.

Filing married filing separately may or may not be a good idea and one only you can determine - it'd be like filing as two single people and then it's who gets to claim the child, etc. If you both pay equal shares of everything, all this is gonna be much harder to determine.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

ROMARY — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 21:04:26 GMT

A good lawyer. And ask the lawyer/attorney what to do about medical insurance. Maybe the ex will have to keep you on his plan, etc. Very important, to be fully covered.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

ROMARY — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 21:06:53 GMT

Yes, don't let him know ahead of time. Just do as others have suggested. Try to be as calm/normal as possible. Be a Katie Holmes right now.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Marienkaefer2 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 21:40:50 GMT

Get a good lawyer. Get a good lawyer. Did I say get a good lawyer? Interview several before choose one. Remember you don't need someone who is "warm and fuzzy." You need someone who.is going to get the job done...for YOU. And SPEAK UP. With your attorney or anyone else associated with the process. If something doesn't sound right or feel right, question it. You can have the best attorney, but you also have to be your own best advocate. Also, remember, once you file for divorce, the time to be warm and fuzzy in the relationship is over. A line has been crossed. Your first priority is you and your child. Not your husband. Don't feel bad, don't let sentimentality take over during the process. If you do, you will not create the best outcome for you and your child. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but divorce is harsh. I've seen too many women get skrewed over because they succumbed to.sentimentality or were not strong enough to stand up for themselves. For this reason, BEFORE retaining an attorney and beginning the process, make 110% sure that you are ready to separate and prepared to do what it takes to get through it.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

GCR18 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 22:05:53 GMT

My sister went through a divorce a year and a half ago. They kept all their money in a joint checking account. After it was out that they were getting a divorce, he transferred all the money to another bank in his name only. After helping her navigate through the divorce, what stood out to me is don't give in because you don't want to make him mad and get everything clearly spelled out.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

missy1 — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 22:21:45 GMT

On 3/15/2015 graycatsrule said: My sister went through a divorce a year and a half ago. They kept all their money in a joint checking account. After it was out that they were getting a divorce, he transferred all the money to another bank in his name only. After helping her navigate through the divorce, what stood out to me is don't give in because you don't want to make him mad and get everything clearly spelled out.

That's why I would transfer half out, and get my own bank account.

Re: Looking for advice not judgment.

Hooty — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 23:57:35 GMT

I cannot stress more than what other posters have stated ............. get a good attorney that will look out for you and your child interests! My DH is an attorney and cannot stress this more!