topic Re: Kind of a petty question in Community Chat

Kind of a petty question

geegerbee — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 02:57:36 GMT

I have a longtime friend who usually takes me to a high-end restaurant for my birthday each year. I like steak, but she doesn't eat red meat. For the last 4 years we have gone to a steakhouse and this year I suggested a different one. So she just emailed me that she always wanted to go to a 4 diamond Italian restaurant sometime in her lifetime and maybe we could go there. I would prefer the one I suggested, but since she is paying maybe I should given in and go where she wants to go. On the other hand, why is she putting a guilt trip on me for not going where I would like to go. They are comparable in price. So I am kind of taking a poll---would you stick with the one you prefer to try, or acquiesce and go where she wants.

Re: Kind of a petty question

Rowan72 — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 03:08:58 GMT

Happy upcoming birthday to you!

Are you able to offer to treat your friend at the Italian restaurant for her birthday?

If not, I would probably do the polite thing and graciously accept her offer. It is her gift to you.

Re: Kind of a petty question

Colonel Meow — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 03:38:21 GMT

On 3/4/2015 Rowan72 said:
Happy upcoming birthday to you!

Are you able to offer to treat your friend at the Italian restaurant for her birthday?

If not, I would probably do the polite thing and graciously accept her offer. It is her gift to you.

I agree with Rowan.

Re: Kind of a petty question

reiki604 — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 16:40:46 GMT

I don't see her putting a guilt trip on you. She's only telling you where she would like to go since you suggested changing restaurants. She's giving you a gift. Accept it graciously and with gratitude.

Re: Kind of a petty question

violann — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 16:50:06 GMT

I don't see any "guilt trip" either. Plus, if the restaurant she's chosen is REALLY good, they may offer a steak or beef dish that you'll like.

Re: Kind of a petty question

circles — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 16:52:19 GMT

Go where she would like to try....what's the difference...she is buying you the dinner...and I am sure you can find something on the menu you would like....

Re: Kind of a petty question

terrier3 — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 16:53:19 GMT

On 3/5/2015 circles said:
Go where she would like to try....what's the difference...she is buying you the dinner...and I am sure you can find something on the menu you would like....

ITA - plus most Italian places have some kind of steak too!

Re: Kind of a petty question

issiestorm — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 18:22:42 GMT

I don't see her putting a guilt trip on you at all. I find your reaction rather odd.

I would go with her suggestion.

Re: Kind of a petty question

Goldengate8361 — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 18:58:28 GMT

I agree with Rowan, too, if the Italian place has something on the menu that you can eat. (I only eat low carb, so I really can't eat at Italian restaurants.)

Re: Kind of a petty question

BellaPaprika — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 19:33:31 GMT

Since she is the hostess, she gets to pick the venue. Maybe take her to your choice on her birthday. Unless of course it's been the custom for the birthday girl to pick the place.

Re: Kind of a petty question

WaJa61 — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 20:25:05 GMT

Agreeing with all. Unless the hostess offers to let you choose, it's more appropriate to graciously accept her generous offer "as is."

Most Italian restaurants offer steak selections on the menu. You can probably find their menu online.

Enjoy, and happy birthday to you!

Re: Kind of a petty question

dooBdoo — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 21:00:02 GMT

I think I'd try to pick my battles. If you push the issue you might hurt her feelings, which might taint the friendship.

However, it's also important to note that this bothers you. Whatever you choose to do, try to be sure you let go of any hard feelings or any resentment on your part... that can taint the friendship, too.

Best wishes, and Happy Birthday, baileysue!

Re: Kind of a petty question

LurkyLoo — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 23:12:43 GMT

What a blessing to still have your precious friend with you. I wouldn't dream of offending a friend's generosity under any circumstances. If the choice of venue is this important to you, you may like to consider beginning the new tradition of the birthday girl choosing it on HER birthday. You could make that suggestion then- just offer to let her choose. I'd make no mention of it during or immediately after my own celebration, were it me. I'd feel that was like looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Re: Kind of a petty question

geegerbee — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 23:17:18 GMT

I can see how it looks--like I am ungrateful, and I guess I am. She has always said I could pick the place to go on my birthday and she picks on her birthday. I had been looking forward to this other place that I wanted to try, so I am kind of disappointed. I wouldn't tell someone they could pick the place and then take them someplace else. But yes, this is a 60 yr. friendship and it isn't worth it. So I told her we would be happy to accept her choice. Count me as being a poor friend.

Re: Kind of a petty question

chickenbutt — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 23:19:52 GMT

If I were your friend and I were taking you out for your birthday, I would want it to be where YOU wanted to go, because it is your birthday.

That said, however, I guess I'd just have to go with the flow. It might stick in my craw just a little bit that she isn't interested in my feelings and my choice. But I'd just zip it and go along with what she wants.

I get the vibe that she is VERY strong-minded about having her way. Otherwise, I imagine she would ask you where you want to go, since it's your birthday. That's why I guess I'd just let it go and, like somebody else said, pick your battles.

Re: Kind of a petty question

issiestorm — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 23:40:24 GMT

You did not explain that this was a reciprocal sort of gift giving - she picks the place on her birthday, and you on yours. That puts a whole different spin on it. I would not have said that I thought your reaction odd had I known that, although I still don't think she really meant this as a guilt trip, although I can't really judge on that since I don't know either of you. But since that is how the situation is, I would simply have said, let's do that on your birthday, I would like to go to this place. However, it sounds as if you've already told her that her choice is fine so by now that would be a moot point.

Re: Kind of a petty question

Rowan72 — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 23:59:41 GMT

On 3/5/2015 Issiestorm said:
You did not explain that this was a reciprocal sort of gift giving - she picks the place on her birthday, and you on yours. That puts a whole different spin on it. I would not have said that I thought your reaction odd had I known that, although I still don't think she really meant this as a guilt trip, although I can't really judge on that since I don't know either of you. But since that is how the situation is, I would simply have said, let's do that on your birthday, I would like to go to this place. However, it sounds as if you've already told her that her choice is fine so by now that would be a moot point.

ITA, word for word.

Re: Kind of a petty question

Love my grandkids — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 00:46:23 GMT

Guilt trip? really? No way.

Re: Kind of a petty question

missy1 — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 03:31:15 GMT

She's buying. On her birthday go to where you want to go.

Re: Kind of a petty question

NYC Susan — Fri, 06 Mar 2015 09:04:34 GMT

On 3/5/2015 baileysue said:
I can see how it looks--like I am ungrateful, and I guess I am. She has always said I could pick the place to go on my birthday and she picks on her birthday. I had been looking forward to this other place that I wanted to try, so I am kind of disappointed. I wouldn't tell someone they could pick the place and then take them someplace else. But yes, this is a 60 yr. friendship and it isn't worth it. So I told her we would be happy to accept her choice. Count me as being a poor friend.

I don't think you're a poor friend. Don't be that hard on yourself!

I do think, though, that since she's been taking you to a steakhouse the last 4 years even though she doesn't eat meat, it might be nice to go somewhere that isn't so one-sided. She was very sweet to repeatedly take you to a restaurant that didn't really appeal to her. I don't think "comparable in price" has anything to do with it. I'm sure she'd rather spend her money on a meal that she would enjoy too.

I don't see this as a guilt trip at all. She's suggesting somewhere else, which sounds to me as though she's nicely trying to not go to a steakhouse yet again. And - as someone who also doesn't eat red meat - I can't say I blame her. She clearly cares about you because she went where you wanted to year after year, and because she's now simply making a suggestion and not insisting on something else.

I think you probably could have told her that you really wanted a steakhouse, and she would have gone along with it. She sounds like that kind of friend. But personally, I think it should be more about the people and less about the food, more about the friendship & less about where you go. And you might really enjoy the Italian restaurant, and end up with a new place that you both enjoy. Sometimes change can be a good thing!

Happy Birthday, btw! I'm a March baby too!