topic Re: What is wrong with people........ in Community Chat

What is wrong with people........

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:09:22 GMT

A friend just told me her daughter is getting divorced. Mom is not just upset which would be a normal reaction but crying and almost inconsolable. Here is my problem, when daughter, Becky, was a 16 she got pregnant (not an ideal situation but it happens), had a little girl, but finished high school and college. She is pretty, bright and has a good job. I was never impressed with the boyfriend, Mike, standoffish, big ego and ever showed much interest in the baby. When the little girl was 2 he told my friend's daughter he wasn't in love with her anymore. End of story, nope. Less than a year later my friend meets me for lunch floating on air announcing Becky and MIke had gotten engaged. Her exact words were "it's so exciting we are going to be planning a wedding." Huh! You are excited about your daughter marrying a man who, not long ago said he wasn't in love with her anymore. Of course I didn't say that to her. They got married and here we are years later she finds out he has been fooling around for a long time. I know as a Mother, that you want your kids to be happy, but really why would anyone be excited to see their daughter marry someone who said they didn't love her. As terrible as it sounds I am having a hard time being sympathic being she encouraged the whole thing. What would you do?

Re: What is wrong with people........

NoelSeven — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:11:28 GMT

The circumstances are irrelevant, imo. Your friend is in pain, that is what you respond to... that someone you care about hurts.

Re: What is wrong with people........

missy1 — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:16:11 GMT

The op friend was hoping he would change. They usually don't when they cheat.

Re: What is wrong with people........

deepwaterdotter — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:18:30 GMT

I would change the subject to something less personal and more pleasant.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Goldengate8361 — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:19:12 GMT

There's nothing for you to do except be a friend to your friend. You should also just be grateful for your wisdom and maturity about men. It just takes some women longer than others to get it.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Preds — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:21:42 GMT

As a mother you respect their wishes, even though you want to hurt him. As a friend, you pray for the best outcome. As an outsider ... I'd kick his buns so far away that no one would ever find him again. For the sweet child ... I hope that no matter the outcome, both parents will love, respect and raise her to be the best she can be.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Marp2 — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:26:22 GMT

You asked what would you do? If I couldn't be supportive of a friend obviously in emotional pain I would minimize contact at least for a while and evaluate how much that person really means to me, whether my disapproval of her outweighs our personal relationship. I'd also consider whether my interaction with her would/could be nonjudgmental.

Since your narrative only voices your disapproval of your friend's family situation it is not clear why your friend is so traumatized. Is she in such pain because her daughter and grandchild are hurting, the disruption to their lives and the difficult times both will be facing? Divorce regardless of the circumstances is painful and impacts more than the couple.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Surfnturf — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:40:43 GMT

I would do nothing. Unless your friend asks for your opinion, she is just venting to you. When people vent, they aren't seeking opinions, They just need someone to listen to them. This is especially true when it concerns a friend's children. Follow this advice, and you will be a true friend to her during this sad time.

Re: What is wrong with people........

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:42:42 GMT

Thanks for the quick responses. I would never say anything to hurt her feelings and I will continue to let her talk and vent. Of course I saw things in a different way. I go on facts and what makes sense to me and she is totally driven by emotion. When the kids were buying a house I saw them a couple of days before the closing Becky was thrilled and Mike looked like he was going to a firing squad. I guess people see what they want to see. Hopefully everyone will move on and find happiness.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Luv2Decorate — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:46:06 GMT

I would be supportive as possible and be sure not to bad mouth the guy too much, because if by some chance they get back together the negative comments could come back to bite you in the rear. That happened to a good friend of mine... Yikes it turned UGLY.

Re: What is wrong with people........

colliegirls — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:54:44 GMT

I have come to realize that many people choose to live in La-La land. It's easy there.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Lynneuk — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:54:44 GMT

Some people consider marriage and an intact family unit more important than ""love"" or personal happiness. Think of the old days when people stayed married no matter what. Your friend is probably one of those people and was convinced that marriage was the best thing that could happen for her daughter and grandchild. Now she has to face reality and she can't bear it.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Snowpuppy — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 03:12:19 GMT

On 3/1/2015 Lynneuk said: Some people consider marriage and an intact family unit more important than "love" or personal happiness. Think of the old days when people stayed married no matter what. Your friend is probably one of those people and was convinced that marriage was the best thing that could happen for her daughter and grandchild. Now she has to face reality and she can't bear it.

My best girlfriend is like this and it drives me nuts. My friend believes as long as a girl "has a man".....well, any man it's better than heaven forbid, being alone.

The sad truth is she can see nothing for her own daughters other than marriage to someone who will manage their life for them. No career, no education, nothing.

Add to that a lot of women who are midlife and older are afraid their grown daughters will return home with their grands.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Nancy Drew — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 03:42:39 GMT

A lot of people don't get the whole ""I can do bad by myself"" concept. Hopefully this young women will get happy on her own and then she will pick the guy who makes her life better.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Cakers1 — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 03:54:44 GMT

The granddaughter is being pulled back and forth and certainly not learning about healthy relationships. That's the tragedy in this whole story.

Re: What is wrong with people........

Puzzle Piece — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 04:06:58 GMT

Situations like your friends have been around for ages. If the guy said he wasn't in love with her, he was being truthful. So many young girls in the past got pregnant and then married the guy when they were both just young teens. It was a mockery of marriage because they all ended in divorce because he was interested in others (the marriages I knew of ). He used the girl for s*x.

You are okay not to feel sympathy towards the situation but remember, you are also her friend.

Re: What is wrong with people........

SleeplessinSD — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 04:27:41 GMT

Yes, she encouraged the whole thing. In the "hopes" that they would find happiness and provide a loving home for her grand daughter. there's never any guarantees in life. Everyone involved gave it their best shot and it wasn't meant to be. Divorce is so painful, especially when there are children involved. Im sure your friend is being emotional because she's worried for the future of her daughter and GD.....I know I'd feel the same. Please try not to judge; I know it's hard. She really needs a friend right now.

Re: What is wrong with people........

raven-blackbird — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 04:32:37 GMT

On 3/1/2015 Helen47 said: Yes, she encouraged the whole thing. In the "hopes" that they would find happiness and provide a loving home for her grand daughter. there's never any guarantees in life. Everyone involved gave it their best shot and it wasn't meant to be. Divorce is so painful, especially when there are children involved. Im sure your friend is being emotional because she's worried for the future of her daughter and GD.....I know I'd feel the same. Please try not to judge; I know it's hard. She really needs a friend right now.

you are soooooooo right Helen...........no mom wants their child to experience hurt.....and divorce is VERY painful, even if you are the one who wants to leave.........that breaks a mom's heart and she feels the pain.....BUT NOW ADD A GD.........then it's even worse.......she hung all her dreams on a chance of a hope.......and it didn't work out......................................raven

Re: What is wrong with people........

ROMARY — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 04:40:20 GMT

Sometimes young women, in desperation, get themselves into a 'predicament' on purpose. Just to keep their wandering BFs in their lives. Instead of moving on, finding a decent husband. Sad, but true. Let's all wish and hope that the woman finds a nicer, more responsible, loyal husband (if that's what she wants) the next time around.

Re: What is wrong with people........

stevieb — Mon, 02 Mar 2015 04:45:34 GMT

Sadly, for some people, being married trumps everything... Good, bad or indifferent, married is married... Your friend appears to be of that ilk. There's no changing her. All you can do is offer whatever support you feel able to offer and perhaps subtly point out the upside of this change if there ever appears to be a point at which you think she might be able to hear it...