topic Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash. in Community Chat

I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Starpolisher — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 17:17:03 GMT

I feel empty inside. I feel like I have no purpose anymore, no dreams or anything to look forward too. It's like I'm just going through the motions but nothing really matters. I feel I've done all the big things that I'm going to do in life so now what? I've gone to college, had two careers, both that I enjoyed in the beginning but neither of which I found very satisfying by the end; but they each suited my needs at the time. Married (41 years now), bought a home and raised two wonderful children. My children live about one and a half hours away from me in opposite directions. I hear from them often but mainly only see them on holidays. I know they have their own lives to live. I will retire from my job in June after twenty-six years. I really dislike my job and can not wait to distance myself from it. I teach in a large urban school district where there is little discipline or respect and since "no child left behind" became a reality I see very little growth and feel very frustrated. DH retired last November. Having him at home has not been what I expected it to be. I thought he would be more helpful. I thought we would become even closer. We seem to be growing apart. I find myself annoyned that he's there in my space when I get home. Half the time he's in one room watching TV and I'm in another. I keep praying for some direction. I just feel sad and empty. My life used to be so busy when my children were home. I didn't have time to think about what to do next. I felt fulfilled and had so much to look forward too! At night I would fall into bed and sleep peacefully, not be awake every couple of hours like I am now. Now, it's like I've done my job and served my purpose so now what? On top of that, I just don't have the energy after work for much of a life and my body now has aches and pains that make me shy away from much extra activity. I know there are different stages we go through, empty nest and such. Is this one of them? Did any of you go through this before retiring? Is it just not knowing what to do or what will happen next or what? Please help me get out of this funk!

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

wagirl — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 18:09:19 GMT

Sounds like a case of some depression. You should think about going to see a counselor who deals with life changes. I have/am going thru much of the same things as well as being a cancer survivor of 2 years. Also this time of year is horrible for me as I suffer from SAD living in the grey,gloomy state of WA. Altho I must say that things are better for me now, but having some one to guide me thru everything certainly was time and effort well spent. talk to your dr about this too. Mine recommended a therapist and I went from there.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Hooty — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 18:41:12 GMT

You need to make an appt. with a Mental Health Professional now!!!

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

blackhole99 — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 19:02:07 GMT

When you retire and have more time, maybe it would be helpful for you to volunteer and help others. Sounds like you have been very fortunate in your life and maybe it's time to give back.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

151949 — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 20:27:07 GMT

If your up several times a night and then tired all day you could have sleep apnea.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

game-on — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 21:20:04 GMT

starpolisher..... it sounds like you are in mourning..... you are grieving the loss of what you thought life would be like....

Think about where we get the ideas of what life will be like.... where you got the images in your head.... we all have this going on.... when the real things happen we have to decide what to do with reality....

If we have a major loss we have to put walls up around us.... this is a merciful kind of protection which keeps us insulated.... we have to sort out our life.... usually we think we cant open up about our grief, our fears, our reality.... because we think we wont be well accepted.... and this takes energy.... that is why we are so tired.... we want to sleep a lot.... yet many times we cant.....

It sounds like your losses are the losses of what you thought life would be like.... and you feel like you are so unstable....

As you are treading thru your grief..... please be kind to yourself.... eat healthy, get some exercise, if only walking.... I suggest you keep a journal of where the pain is.... what is really bothering you.... meditate....or have some quiet time....

Remember you can only change yourself and your thinking.... you can come to terms with what is happening.... you can learn to have some peace....

If you find this to be so overwhelming.... talk to a professional....

I believe everyone has bumps in the road.... some seem to engulf us.... I wish you the best at climbing out of this...

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

qualitygal — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 21:28:34 GMT

I think it's a stage we go through. You might need some hobbies, books to read, places to go, groups to join. Volunteer if you can. I do understand just what you're saying. We all need our space, and sometimes, we need to create a larger space for ourselves. This is your chance to get outside yourself, this is a new chapter you get to create. It's a little tough when winter kind of forces 2 peas in a pod sort of thing, but by the time you both retire, it's time to expand your limits or increase your boundaries. volunteer at the animal shelter, old folks home..some of them would love visitors. There's the library.

We finally have some sun today, it lifts my spirits and makes me feel alive again. Maybe it's a little grey where you are, so fill the hours with what you can, and when you can inhale some fresh air, increase the area of surroundings you have. Remember, time to write your own next chapter.

Good luck!

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

hckynut — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 22:16:07 GMT

I have always found that "life does not just happen", it is what you make of each stage of it. I found early in my life that what I did outside of my job would be very important when I retired. I have been through many types of ups and downs, some required professional mental health. Revaluate what you want at this stage of your life and make a plan how to achieve it. An individual is the only one that can make themselves happy. Too many expect other people or things to make them happy and I have found that is not how life works! My best to you and if you feel you need professional help? Do not hesitate to seek it as it could be life changing.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Mistic — Tue, 10 Feb 2015 23:58:17 GMT

On 2/10/2015 game-on said:
starpolisher..... it sounds like you are in mourning..... you are grieving the loss of what you thought life would be like....

Think about where we get the ideas of what life will be like.... where you got the images in your head.... we all have this going on.... when the real things happen we have to decide what to do with reality....

If we have a major loss we have to put walls up around us.... this is a merciful kind of protection which keeps us insulated.... we have to sort out our life.... usually we think we cant open up about our grief, our fears, our reality.... because we think we wont be well accepted.... and this takes energy.... that is why we are so tired.... we want to sleep a lot.... yet many times we cant.....

It sounds like your losses are the losses of what you thought life would be like.... and you feel like you are so unstable....

As you are treading thru your grief..... please be kind to yourself.... eat healthy, get some exercise, if only walking.... I suggest you keep a journal of where the pain is.... what is really bothering you.... meditate....or have some quiet time....

Remember you can only change yourself and your thinking.... you can come to terms with what is happening.... you can learn to have some peace....

If you find this to be so overwhelming.... talk to a professional....

I believe everyone has bumps in the road.... some seem to engulf us.... I wish you the best at climbing out of this...

game-on ~ What an amazing heartfelt response. {{{starpolisher}}}

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Hoovermom — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 00:02:48 GMT

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult phase of your life. These women have given you some food for thought. Please be kind to yourself. Talk to your DH and express all of the things you have written about here and ask for his help. I am sure he is pretty tired also after probably working in "corporate America" all these years. Maybe you need to plan a vacation after retirement where you can go and relax, then come home and gradually settle into your new normal. (((Hugs to you))).

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Plaid Pants — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 00:10:20 GMT

You need to see a psychiatrist pronto.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

ROMARY — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 00:12:17 GMT

Visit your local Community Center! Hobbies with OTHER people. Classes with other people. Women's groups, church after services coffee get- together(s). Get to know your neighbors.........Stand and/or sit out there every weekend, watering or planting flowers, etc. Oh, low impact exercise classes with seniors. VOLUNTEER! So many things to enjoy. Forget what your husband is doing (or not doing).........Just go out there YOURSELF and Do your own thing! You'll feel a lot better. You need a reason to get up and have something to look forward to doing.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

chrystaltree — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 00:55:27 GMT

You should get a complete physical and ask them to check your thyroid. You sound clinically depressed. Depression and feeling that I was old and tired were symptoms of my thyroid disease.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

winamac1 — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:03:07 GMT

O/P I'm so sorry for your emptiness. I definitely think you have clinical depression. I'd recommend going to therapy as an outlet. Good luck to you! I hope you find your passion after you retire. I think it's normal to feel a bit empty with changes such as yours, but it should be short lived. If it's not, I'd suggest you seeking therapy.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

winamac1 — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:03:46 GMT

On 2/10/2015 ROMARY 1 said:
Visit your local Community Center! Hobbies with OTHER people. Classes with other people. Women's groups, church after services coffee get- together(s). Get to know your neighbors.........Stand and/or sit out there every weekend, watering or planting flowers, etc. Oh, low impact exercise classes with seniors. VOLUNTEER! So many things to enjoy. Forget what your husband is doing (or not doing).........Just go out there YOURSELF and Do your own thing! You'll feel a lot better. You need a reason to get up and have something to look forward to doing.

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Romary--all great ideas!

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

LTT1 — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:11:47 GMT

Oh, my, starpolisher, my heart aches for you. Please don't take this the wrong way... make a list of everything you'd LIKE to do if you weren't so tired and burnt out. (the way you are feeling sounds very familiar and hits close to home in so many ways) Perhaps the way you would like your life to be different might be possible once your have 1) seen a doctor to rule out health factors like thyroid/heart 2) re-gained lost brain energy by resting up after retirement for a little while. All of that energy you expend now on the job robs you of creativity that could be put to better use.

Follow your dreams when you retire... after you decide what your dreams are. Good luck and you will feel better after you tend to yourself and your needs some. hugs for sure

PS... even see a psychiatrist (or ask your MD if they think you SHOULD). This might bring you lots of peace of mind. : )

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

kittymomNC — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 01:20:22 GMT

I'm so sorry you're going through all this anguish, but I do think it will get better. In the meantime, I agree with others here that maybe some professional help would be in order so you can get on the right track.

I was sort of forced into retirement a year earlier than I had planned because my job went away. At first it was wonderful, and then it wasn't so wonderful. I don't have a large family, and only a couple of close relatives where I live... the others are several hundred miles away.

I went through a period of such adjustment, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I had always had this idea that if I just had a little money and a LOT of time, I could do all the things I'd never had time to do before. But then I didn't do them. It was like, the first part of my life I was a daughter, then I was a wife (for a few years), I was a mother, and a worker for 46 years, and then I was... what?

I didn't know how I was supposed to feel or what I was supposed to do. It was like I had had all these "identities" and then all of a sudden I didn't know who I was supposed to be. I'm still a mother, and my son lives close by, but there were still those questions of "what do I do now"? My life wasn't at all like I once thought it would be at this point in time.

It took a good while and a lot of effort, but it finally came together. You have received a lot of good advice here from some caring posters, and I do hope it helps. Be sure and take time for yourself and don't hesitate to ask for help if you need it. I know a lot of people feel ashamed it they need to ask for help, but you should never feel that way. I hope you can work it out and get to feeling better soon. I'm sure many of us have been where you are in one way or another, so come back here and post if you feel like it. I've found a lot of help and support here... I hope you do as well.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Snowpuppy — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 02:43:47 GMT

I don't think a shrink or meds should be your first option.

Buy a journal and start to write. If you're organized then list what is bothering you in each aspect. Or just a rant in general. Changes in life are normal.

Everyone needs time to adjust. Your DH has only been home a couple of months. Maybe he just wants to vegetate and watch some mindless tv that he couldn't enjoy for decades while he worked. He's entitled.

Write about your gratitude daily. DH is alive, he's been a good provider, hard worker. We have a nice home. I have enough $ to decorate and will have time once I'm home, too. You'll have time to visit your adult kids. Take a weekend vacation with a sister or friend. I didn't read about any friends. Do you have any?

You have some long established routines in your life. It's going to be challenging to create new routines. Retired doesn't mean the end of life. Just the end of going to a job that's no longer satisfying the way it once was.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

ROMARY — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 02:58:37 GMT

Thanks, Winamac 1 ! Even though we are much younger than many of the folks at our Community Center, my neighbors and I walk to the Center and all around the courtyard every morning, chatting with the various people there, cheering them (and ourselves, too!). Also, the volunteers there are mostly in their eighties and nineties and seem very happy. They are there, volunteering, rain or shine! It's amazing how good many of us feel, just being around OTHER folks! Lots of cheery days ahead for O/P.

Re: I seem to be fallling apart...please don't bash.

Still Raining — Wed, 11 Feb 2015 06:40:05 GMT

I could have written your posting Starpolisher. Nothing like it happened to my friends or sisters, but I was really hit. Had a little bump at 40 and then just sailed on until 64 when I hit the wall.

I think is must be some sort of passage where we have to accept a transition or maybe to mourn our outcomes and the closing of our options. In the end life becomes much simpler because you see that so many things don't matter and you make much more deliberate choices to please yourself.