topic Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please in Community Chat

please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

MalteseMomma — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:02:35 GMT

Ok, I am a 77 yr old gramma. I thought we have a close family. Grandkids are all adults. I own the house I live in My grandson and his wife rent my basement apt. have been there for many years.My daughter age 60 lives in my upstairs apt all at reduced rents .We are a close knit family......or so I thought..

Well this Oct 12 is grandsons BD. His wife planned a surprise birthday party this past fri nite, The whole family was invited but not me.I was not even told a thing about it like a secret ,until my dd spilled the beans Saturday morning after it was over.

I am so hurt that I was not told about it at all much less not invited. My son says it was icy and cold out so I was not invited and besides I get panic attacks going out.

I say as his grama, I should have been invited or at least informed of it and it should have been my choice if I went or not, not not invited or not told about it at all, at all ( yes,I can keep a secret,especially a surprise) We see each other daily,talk a lot together daily,they use my washer and park in my driveway (blocking me in daily) and everything else a "close united " family would do.

They also made all guests pay for the "honor" of being invited to this "surprise" birthday party. What do you thik of that too????

This is not the first time I have not been invited.They did this to me on my sons birthday too and they knew how upset I was about it.

I guess grammas and moms are not as important in families anymore, as I thought they were. Is this true?

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

hckynut — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:10:32 GMT

I think if they did so because they were concerned about your health or your safety, the very least they could have done is ask you. Now were this me? I would let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I am NOT buying what they are selling. I am very sorry this happened to you.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

BellaPaprika — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:11:46 GMT

My first reaction is to think they're using you for the reduced rent. Hate to say it but why else would it have been kept secret? If they didn't invite you because they think you don't like to go out they could have told you about it and said "we wish you could be there but we know you get panic attacks" or whatever.

As difficult as it is to face, family may not always feel about us the same as we do about them. And, sadly, they have more power than anyone else to hurt our feelings. Living together in a family setting can be fun (we did years ago) and so I guess you need to weigh the benefits of that with the pains of how they treat you.

And I would have an open and frank talk with all of them and let them know you don't want this happening again. They need to at least pay you the courtesy of declining an invitation as opposed to them deciding not to even let you know there's a party.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

MalteseMomma — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:16:21 GMT

Thanks john, I did that, now no one is talking to me. My heart is broken. This happened last year too and I told them how I felt about it ,you would think they would known better than to do it again.

They should have told me about it and left the choice of going up to me. IMO

Maybe I have been exaggerating my own importance in this family

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

reiki604 — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:20:42 GMT

I would be honest with grandsons wife and directly ask her why I was not invited and tell her my feelings were hurt. I would not bring up the reduced rent but would keep it in mind for the future if I decided the apartment was worth more.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

BellaPaprika — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:20:44 GMT

On 2/8/2015 MalteseMomma said:
Thanks john, I did that, now no one is talking to me. My heart is broken. This happened last year too and I told them how I felt about it ,you would think they would known better than to do it again.

They should have told me about it and left the choice of going up to me. IMO

Maybe I have been exaggerating my own importance in this family

That's a difficult conversation to have with yourself, MM. Different circumstances in my own case but in the past few years I've had to face the fact that a very close relative does not feel about me the way I thought she did or the way I felt about her. It felt very much as if she had died because I realized the person I thought I knew was gone and would never return.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

MalteseMomma — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 22:22:25 GMT

BlueCollarBabe you are right, Thank you . I wanted was to know if I was wrong or right in my feelings,because they don't think so, and according to both of you ,you agree,I should have been told and the decision to go or not up to me.

I feel used and like everyone is waiting for me to die and inherit everything. I just want to disappear out of all their lives.

I am now the crazy old lady. I have let everything go on too long and always with a smile,because I guess I was afraid of not being able to handle things on my own.That was stupid of me.

Going to take back my own life somehow. Just gotta figure out how

I'm so sorry for your disappointment too.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

ROMARY — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:00:54 GMT

D/P

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

BellaPaprika — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:04:45 GMT

On 2/8/2015 ROMARY 1 said:
I'm still stuck on: What does icy and cold have to do with anything???? I thought that O/P lives in the same house, one couple living in the basement and the daughter living above O/P. I guess I missed something.....

I'm assuming the party was held at a restaurant or other venue, not at home.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

MalteseMomma — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:11:31 GMT

Reki, I did, not face to face but in a bad choice on FB when she thanked everyone for coming. I stated I was not invited and got deleted and yelled at by her FIL ,who is my son

I did face to face tell my grandson I was so hurt ( I bumped into him outside) and he did not say he was sorry, he just said I AM important to him and that was all.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

ROMARY — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:11:47 GMT

Seems as though some people have been spoiled and now they are acting like spoiled children. So sorry this has happened. I still don't get the part about icy and cold, since O/P lives in the same house as they live in. Hugs to you, Maltese Mama. You have lots of 'friends' here who fully understand. Time to invite some new, real life friends, other relatives, and visitors. If so, they might not want to 'look bad' next time. Have yourself a birthday party, Valentine's Day party, or Irish shamrock party on St. Patty's Day. Invite plenty of 'other' folks! Maybe folks you know at church, women's club, etc. Just for coffee and cookies. Enjoy yourself. Don't be dependent on anyone living with you for your happiness.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

MalteseMomma — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:13:04 GMT

On 2/8/2015 ROMARY 1 said:
I'm still stuck on: What does icy and cold have to do with anything???? I thought that O/P lives in the same house, one couple living in the basement and the daughter living above O/P. I guess I missed something.....

you are right weather has nothing to do with it,that is what I said how did they even know what the weather was going to be.Besides I'm out shoveling with the rest of them.......or alone for that matter

Yes I have somehow given up any life I had over the past few yrs. I do need to take it back

Yes ,it was at a restaurant near home. I never heard of paying to go to a birthday party either.

I cannot believe even my own daughter,living upstairs from me, didn't tell me about it

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

ROMARY — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:16:30 GMT

BlueCollarBabe: Oh, yes, you're right. Now I feel ridiculously ridiculous, lol.......... Well, at least it wasn't in the same house, which would have been shameful. And, actually, looking back three decades or more, same thing (more or less, but very, very similar) happened to me. I just forgave and forgot about it. (Most people invited didn't even believe that nobody told me about it, as I recall, lol.) Sometimes the things people do and say are so bizarre that folks wouldn't believe it, anyway. (Something a friend who had similar experiences told me a hundred years ago, lol.)

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

ROMARY — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:22:10 GMT

Yes, Maltese Mamma! Beginning Monday, you just start calling your previous friends and acquaintances.....tell them that you've decided to rekindle your relationship with them. And would they like to come over to your house for coffee and cookies or cake for Valentine's Day, or St. Patrick's Day, or Friendship Day!! Just make up a special day!! I'll be waiting to hear from you with updates!! Hugs from all of us here!! I don't know how to show hearts here, so a happy face for now:

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

Still Raining — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:23:47 GMT

I am so sorry you have been hurt by this, families can be difficult.

One thing I see in my family, now that I am the next to oldest old-lady, is that sometimes, for the younger set, there will be a young party, which can also include their friends, and a different family party for all the family. However for the family party transportation is included for those who need it. Could there be some aspect of this going on?

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

BellaPaprika — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:23:58 GMT

On 2/8/2015 ROMARY 1 said:
BlueCollarBabe: Oh, yes, you're right. Now I feel ridiculously ridiculous, lol.......... Well, at least it wasn't in the same house, which would have been shameful. And, actually, looking back three decades or more, same thing (more or less) happened to me. I just forgave and forgot about it. (Most people invited didn't even believe that nobody told me about it, as I recall, lol.) Sometimes the things people do and say are so bizarre that folks wouldn't believe it, anyway. (Something a friend who had similar experiences told me a hundred years ago, lol.)

Isn't that the truth!? But the OP said they've done this to her before so it sounds like there's a pattern.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

ROMARY — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:26:27 GMT

Yes, Blue Collar Babe! We could write a book, I'm guessing! That sentence in bold print should be posted and framed on our walls! Just to remind us.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

MalteseMomma — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:28:04 GMT

I would not be offended at all if this was the case,but my daughterOn 2/8/2015 Still Raining said:
I am so sorry you have been hurt by this, families can be difficult.

One thing I see in my family, now that I am the next to oldest old-lady, is that sometimes, for the younger set, there will be a young party, which can also include their friends, and a different family party for all the family. However for the family party transportation is included for those who need it. Could there be some aspect of this going on?

No the family was invited .I was snubbed and last Oct same thing at my own sons birthday party. Funny if you think about it were not for me,none of them would even behere......lol

We are ( or I always thought we were) a very close family,we all live and work in the same town

Thanks everyone...my poor dog need to go out .I've been a bad doggie mom all day wallowing in my "heartbreak"

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

ROMARY — Sun, 08 Feb 2015 23:33:48 GMT

Time to invite your own friends/acquaintances. It's always good 'insurance' for a happy life to include others besides family in our lives. For balance, etc. A word for the wise.

Re: please serious,honest answers only ,no bashing please

occasionalrain — Mon, 09 Feb 2015 00:20:47 GMT

I think you need to figure out why you weren't wanted at the party. It has nothing to do with the weather. It's easier to invite someone than to hide the event from them so there has to be a reason that's worth excluding you, especially when you can evict them, raise their rent, or disinherit them.

Would any of them be honest and tell you the truth even if the truth is unpleasant to hear?

Do they spend time with you otherwise, celebrate your birthday, or are you ignored?