topic Re: What to do about Mom in Community Chat

What to do about Mom

Vivian — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 19:07:36 GMT

My mother is almost 93. She has severe osteoarthritis that makes mobility difficult and heart issues that tire her out easily. Mom lives alone. Most of her friends have either died or moved to assisted living facilities. Mom's two best friends were literally dragged away, under protest, to facilities near their children. I promised my mother I would never do that. We have talked often about bringing in a caregiver for round-the-clock care vs moving to an assisted living facility of her choice. Well, the time has come. Twice in the recent past I have had to drop everything and drive the five hour trip to NJ because my mother was ill. Once she fell. The other time she thought she had a heart attack (she didn't, fortunately). I have made it clear that Mom can choose what she wants to do. However, now she says she doesn't want to go to any assisted living place and she doesn't want anyone else in her home taking care of her. She does not want to move to my town, which I understand since it is far from all she knows. She is going to fall since she is very unsteady on her feet despite using a cane or walker. I just know it is inevitable. She realizes she needs help but refuses to deal with it. I am running out of patience. I'm returning to NJ in a few weeks to look at assisted living facilities but I fear, sharp as Mom is mentally, she will balk at any change. What can I do?

Re: What to do about Mom

qvcfreak — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 19:54:36 GMT

I feel sad for your Mom as I'm sure losing their independence has to be awful. But give her a choice, say, Mom since you don't want to move with me, you leave me no choice but you will have to make a decision, someone living with you for company (sounds better than to care for her) or move into an assisted living area. She knows her limitations and I'm sure she'd rather be in her own home with someone there. Good Luck and Bless you.

Re: What to do about Mom

151949 — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 20:15:30 GMT

Sometimes you can not let very elderly people live as they would prefer because they do not see things as they actually are. I am afraid you need to present her with reasonable options and she can decide among them. Moving to your town - or in with you, assisted living or a caretaker in your home would seem to be the available options.

Re: What to do about Mom

Group 5 minus 1 — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 20:46:07 GMT

Never make promises like that to ANYONE!!! Maybe if she took a tour of a facility she might change her mind.

Re: What to do about Mom

Group 5 minus 1 — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 20:49:05 GMT

Actually independence is not lost but gained. Once again she needs to take a tour of a facility.

Re: What to do about Mom

lulu2 — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 20:59:13 GMT

You are between a rock and a hard place. There is no easy answer.As others have said, you have three options, none of which your mother wants. You need to decide what you think is best for all involved.

I live in NJ and know it is not easy to find suitable live-in, full-time help. A friend of ours just went through this with his father. (The situation was more difficult because only female caregivers were available and he wanted a male companion.) The older man owned an expensive property, which became a problem for the family when they looked into an assisted living facility. Recently the man fell and broke his hip so is now in rehab. I do not know if he will ever leave.

Re: What to do about Mom

Allegheny — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 21:10:22 GMT

A lot of people hate and fear change, especially as we get older. We can't visualize that life can become easier or more fulfilling. One thing you have going for you is that your mother is still mentally sharp.

I know you have talked with her previously, but have you asked her to place herself if your position? Ask her what she would feel if she was faced with this situation as a daughter who lives such a distance away. Ask her what would she do? She may not have an immediate answer, but ask her to give it some serious thought. Perhaps you can talk to her about it before you return to New Jersey and give her time to think about it. A loving parent certainly does want to have their children in this situation.

My best to you.

Re: What to do about Mom

Still Raining — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 21:27:00 GMT

As someone who has been through this, if you are going to be the primary contact, I suggest that you very carefully consider the travel distance if you leave her where she is. Regardless of what arrangements you make there you will still be called on more and more to travel to solve various issues which will come up more and more often now. Hard to hear, but it is going to be a fact. Best of luck to both of you and a pat on the back for being the caregiver.

Re: What to do about Mom

mousiegirl — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 21:41:45 GMT

My MIL had the same issue except for the heart, so she had a live in caretaker for many years before she passed at 99 years old. In this way, she was able to stay in her home and passed there.

Re: What to do about Mom

RedTop — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 22:05:58 GMT

Going on your statement that your mom is aware of her situation and knows something needs to be done, I would lay out her choices, and insist she choose. Your mom is at high risk for falling, and it's only a matter of time until she breaks a hip. At that point, she will not be the one making the choice. I am all for keeping the person in their home whenever possible, and that is the plan with my own mom. However, my mom is directly across the road from me, and I have a brother living directly beside her, plus another brother. Within 10 miles. We can make our plans work, whereas distance makes this much harder for you. Very few people luck out finding good live in help, and that would not be the route I would choose if I was not close enough to see this caregiving relationship on a frequent basis. For me personally, I would move my mom to an assisted living facility near my home. Regardless of whether yor mom likes the final choice, it certainly sounds like it is time to make something happen in order to keep your mom safe. A 92 year old friend of mine broke her hip in June, and died from congestive heart failure in August. She did great with the surgery and recovery, but her lack of mobility after surgery, caused her heart condition to worsen, and she was gone in no time. It is hard to get a 93 year old to understand when it is time to let go of what they want, and make decisions that are truly in their best interest, and that are easiest for the children who are trying to care for them. Best wishes to you Vivian.

Re: What to do about Mom

LilacTree — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 22:16:42 GMT

It's so sad that at 93, your mom is so far away from you. I would do everything in my power to bring her to your home . . . at least to your town/city.

Re: What to do about Mom

Vivian — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 22:28:15 GMT

I should add that my brother lives 20 minutes from Mom but is going through serious problems at home and has left decisions to me. However, he could be counted on in a pinch. I promised my mother that the choice was hers BUT that she would have to make a choice. Just last week I told her she could choose door number one, assisted living, or door number two 24 hour care at home (she knows women who could do this). The next day I called Mom and told her there's a door number three, a broken hip with life in a nursing home. She laughed at me but I said it could happen. Mom has toured an assisted living facility that my daughter and I will be seeing in a few weeks because Mom liked it. Now she's backing away from the idea. I have spoken to my family doctor about the situation and she said I can make suggestions to my mother but I can't control her. My goal is her safety but if she refuses I can't take her bodily to a facility, nor can I force her to live with a caregiver if she absolutely refuses. I know what will happen if I do nothing. This is my dilemma

Re: What to do about Mom

goodstuff — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 23:59:01 GMT

There isn't an easy answer to this, especially if your mother is mentally competent, but determined to make bad decisions. You can lay out decisions and "insist" that she choose......but if she really refuses, it's questionable that you can force her. Some of it depends on her personality, your relationship, and the amount of influence you have on her. You may want to arrange a consultation with an eldercare attorney just to see what your options are in this situation.

You might be able to take legal steps to have her declared incompetent (if she is) and have the court declare you her legal guardian. If she is not incompetent, you can try assertively to lead her, convince her that a change needs to be made, and move her to a new situation. She may or may not concede. Or you can stay close in touch, have someone local check in on her regularly, and wait till a fall or medical event renders her truly incompetent. This isn't an easy quandary, and it doesn't have easy solutions, especially when you are dealing with a strong-willed senior determined to call their own shots.

Re: What to do about Mom

game-on — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 01:48:20 GMT

Do you have guardianship of her person? I was a social worker and if you want the ability to make decisions about where your mom lives.... you have to have this. It is not power of atty.... it is guardianship of her person. I would go to the courthouse in her town and get the papers.... there is probably a small filing fee.... they may appoint a guardian ad litem.... and then you will probably go to court to get the order.... it could be denied, but you could have the luck of having it approved since she has fallen.... good luck.

Re: What to do about Mom

YorkieonmyPillow — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 04:20:41 GMT

If your mother is almost 93 and wants to stay at home, I would let her. Someone of that age has lived a long time and the last thing you can give them is their freedom and independence. I would not try to override her decisions.

Re: What to do about Mom

Marienkaefer2 — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 04:48:57 GMT

On 1/8/2015 Vivian said: I should add that my brother lives 20 minutes from Mom but is going through serious problems at home and has left decisions to me. However, he could be counted on in a pinch. I promised my mother that the choice was hers BUT that she would have to make a choice. Just last week I told her she could choose door number one, assisted living, or door number two 24 hour care at home (she knows women who could do this). The next day I called Mom and told her there's a door number three, a broken hip with life in a nursing home. She laughed at me but I said it could happen. Mom has toured an assisted living facility that my daughter and I will be seeing in a few weeks because Mom liked it. Now she's backing away from the idea. I have spoken to my family doctor about the situation and she said I can make suggestions to my mother but I can't control her. My goal is her safety but if she refuses I can't take her bodily to a facility, nor can I force her to live with a caregiver if she absolutely refuses. I know what will happen if I do nothing. This is my dilemma

Sorry, I wrote a post, but it didn't take. I said that we went through the same thing five years ago with my grandmother, and we had to let her make her decisions, even though it wasn't what WE wanted for her.

Re: What to do about Mom

luvmyteddy4 — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 07:46:51 GMT

Chances are great that she will fall again or has and she is not telling you. I went through this with my mother at 88 and she did break a hip. She went back to the retirement village and then moved closer to my brother who was supposed to be watching her in her new apartment. He wasn't. I found out later that she was falling quite a bit. I had asked her to move in with me and she refused. I even said I was losing my house if she didn't and she still refused. No reason other than she said she hated animals. She would not move to save her soul or until an accident happens.

She fell again and I couldn't get a hold of her and after 2 days I had them break in. She was on the floor for almost three days. Her phone was always messed up because she couldn't figure it out. Went back to rehab and my brother gave her notice and said he would take her in. I never realized she had early dementia. I knew she was slightly confused but no one had ever had it or lived that long in my family. I ordered her food and had it delivered. Half the time she was not eating.

The day my brother packed her apartment and she was being released he called me to say he couldn't take her and would I. That's a whole other story. I said yes and she moved in. She lived to 92 with extreme Alzheimer's and passed away in my home.

They do not like change and without you being her POA you can't force her. I would do whatever I could to get her inside help because she will fall again. It would be better if you have a plan already in motion. When you have a senior care company come out they will send a nurse to do an evaluation of her mental and physical health or someone from a retirement home would come out too.

My aunt was in excellent health at 95, still driving and then got dementia at 96. She only lived 6 more months. It all started with falling.

You can't make her but maybe more of a companion that could help with chores and such. My mom only moved in with me because she had no place to live and couldn't afford help.

Re: What to do about Mom

ID2 — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 12:13:16 GMT

Wow! You live 5 hours away?? That's very difficult. You'll have to sit down with your mom and have a calm but frank discussion with her about her care. Make her a part of whatever decision is made but YOU be the one that takes charge. Believe me something WILL happen if she is left alone after you go back home. My dad was a very private person, never liked social affairs. I found an absolute wonderful caregiver that came to his home. He ended up loving her like a daughter. She took such good care of him. Good luck.

Re: What to do about Mom

Danky — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 14:43:03 GMT

On 1/8/2015 Vivian said: I should add that my brother lives 20 minutes from Mom but is going through serious problems at home and has left decisions to me. However, he could be counted on in a pinch. I promised my mother that the choice was hers BUT that she would have to make a choice. Just last week I told her she could choose door number one, assisted living, or door number two 24 hour care at home (she knows women who could do this). The next day I called Mom and told her there's a door number three, a broken hip with life in a nursing home. She laughed at me but I said it could happen. Mom has toured an assisted living facility that my daughter and I will be seeing in a few weeks because Mom liked it. Now she's backing away from the idea. I have spoken to my family doctor about the situation and she said I can make suggestions to my mother but I can't control her. My goal is her safety but if she refuses I can't take her bodily to a facility, nor can I force her to live with a caregiver if she absolutely refuses. I know what will happen if I do nothing. This is my dilemma

Where is Door #4 ? Something along the lines of .....you have been my Mom, through thick and thin, for 93 years. Move into my home so that we can spend the remaining years together. We (I) will make whatever accommodations you need for you to be comfortable. You can do all the things that you currently do in YOUR home...cook, clean, watch soaps, go to Bingo.....whatever. But we will have good times and you will be safe.

Re: What to do about Mom

Group 5 minus 1 — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 17:10:46 GMT

I think many people make assumptions about retirement homes but have never visited or have seen friends that were in nursing some of whom w/dementia. My Mom moved here from about 400 miles away. We moved her and she moved into a retirement facility. She was happy there and lived for another 10 years. Lived to be 98 w/ no problems. She enjoyed the social activities and trips. We took care of things like shopping and sometime she would go w/us. My point is it can work out. I think she would be happier in a retirement home rather than living w/you or having a "helper" in her home.

My MIL is in a continuum of care retirement home and loves it. The first thing you must do is to educate yourself about these places. Don't count on family members-they are usually worthless. I am an only child and had my DH but no sibs. Many times I thanked my Mom for not having any more children. My MIL takes many classes that are offered and is much happier that when she lived alone. She also has regained her freedom because she did have to depend on anyone. If she had a dripping faucet-call maintance,light bulb changed same thing. Didn't have to cook and the food is great.