topic Re: I have two questions. in Community Chat

I have two questions.

NC Bandwagon — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 21:53:45 GMT

Sorry if anyone gets offended by these questions, but I can't think of a nicer way to put it.

Why are women so mean to each other and why are people so mean to most of the newest posters that join this forum? Again, if this offends, best to skip over it.

Thanks in advance.

Re: I have two questions.

Another new name Sue — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 22:38:42 GMT

There is a surprising amount of nastiness here. I suspect it's people who have other bad issues going on in their lives and it's reflected here where they can be as mean as they want as they hide behind their monitors.

As for new people, sometimes posters here don't like it if someone new pops in with a post bashing a host, and I agree that's not a nice way to start off.

Just my 2 cents. Was someone mean to you, NC? Sometimes I think a person could post that she saved a kitten and someone here would have a mean comment....lol!!!

Re: I have two questions.

NC Bandwagon — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 22:46:37 GMT

Thanks for the response, happygal. No, no one's been mean to me lately (mostly because I steer clear of the hot topic threads, lol). I honestly was just wondering what makes so many women turn their claws on each other so easily. I can understand if someone's first post is cruel.

Re: I have two questions.

goodstuff — Sun, 28 Dec 2014 23:42:13 GMT

While some people approach the boards sincerely and somewhat seriously, looking for information, advice, and pleasant chat, others approach them playfully or sarcastically (at least sometimes) and find this anonymous forum a place to try out humor, satire, joust with others, and otherwise "horse around"a bit. I read and post here often, take what is enjoyable and useful, and leave the rest. There's really no need to get bent out of shape by comments made on an anonymous internet bulletin board.

Re: I have two questions.

dooBdoo — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 00:07:25 GMT

Hi, NC Bandwagon!

Regarding new posters being met with a skeptical eye, unfortunately there have been many who've created new accounts with the sole purpose of baiting, inflaming, inciting, and lots of established posters have become weary of the "game." (There are a few who target specific posters, and instead of using their known account they create a new one to follow and mock the people they don't like.) As a result, the "new" poster isn't always greeted warmly (to say the least), especially if they appear out of the blue with contentious posts or by immediately starting new threads.

I don't know why we encounter so much meanness here. For certain, it's present elsewhere on the internet, and I think it's worse when people are using silly nicknames (yep, mine is silly), posting anonymously, and feeling less accountable. Also, as Bluegrassbaby said so well, the written word is limited and we don't always come across the way we intended.

Over time, most of us develop a bit of a thicker skin and find our own way to cope with the inevitable negativity. While it's easy to say "let it roll off," "don't take it seriously," etc., (and I often give that advice), the fact remains that there is a human being on the other side of the screen, and sometimes posters have seriously painful, upsetting things going on in their real life and are vulnerable -- and some people do get hurt. (And the sad commentary is the fact that a tiny minority of posters are counting on intentionally creating real hurt.)

I do my best to ignore the negative posters (I don't use the "ignore" feature, but I bypass those comments) because the best defense is to avoid acknowledging them, take the oxygen away -- they can't flourish without recognition.

That's my novella for now.

Re: I have two questions.

RedTop — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 01:02:58 GMT

I too feel there is an unnecessary amount of meanness and rudeness on this board, and often wonder what someone actually gets out of responding so critically to another person. Being kind and helpful has never seemed that difficult to me, although I have seen repeatedly that it is impossible for certain posters here.

Re: I have two questions.

Anniecamp — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 02:50:50 GMT

I think that sometimes women are their own worst enemies. As far as new posters go, everybody was new at one time. I've seen some being criticized for seeming to know what's going on with the boards. It's very possible that they've been long time readers, and finally sign up so they can respond to a thread. I know I read for a couple of years before I finally signed up. I was quite familiar with a lot of the posters due to that.

New posters also get criticized for posting about a personal problem, and called fraud, etc. The person probably thought it's a good place to get opinions, since it's "anonymous" and they can talk freely. To see how they get pounced on is really sad, especially if they seem to be really hurting.

Re: I have two questions.

NC Bandwagon — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 05:55:51 GMT

To everyone here, thank you very much for explaining that. It sounds like the contention is a cross between misunderstandings and not being able to hear the tone of other people's voices. I guess I'll just have to grow a thicker skin then and not take things personally. Thanks again.

Re: I have two questions.

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 06:07:58 GMT

Why are women mean to each other - because they are carriers of the B**** gene. A few lucky souls have escaped being carriers. Those are sweet people you can be friends with. Few and hard to find.

I don't have an answer to your second question, other than to refer back to question #1.

Re: I have two questions.

cotton4me — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:00:14 GMT

There's a lot of truth in the quote below. It helps put things in perspective.

"If we are willing to look at another person's behavior towards us as a reflection of the state of his relationship with himself rather than as a statement about our value as a person, then we will, over a period of time, cease to react at all." ~ Anonymous

Re: I have two questions.

151949 — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:49:59 GMT

Clearly, there are a lot of people who hide behind the anonymity of the internet and act poorly. There are also people who have mental health issues. This applies to all anonymous internet sites , not just this one.

Re: I have two questions.

Hooty — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 20:01:15 GMT

NC Bandwagon, to tell you honestly, this has been going on forever on these boards! I joined 8 yrs ago and I was outraged as a troll, I was told that I was someone that had comeback under a new name! I was shocked, this was the first forum that I had ever joined and I had no idea people that didn't even know you could be so mean and hateful! I even had a stalker, she was very mean and I was really scared of her that she would find out who I was and try to do something to me! She no longer posts here, but I will never forget her and her hatefulness! I have met some nice people here and met some not so nice people here! There are two that I have remained friends with for many years to this day, I hope to meet them in person one day!

I think hiding behind a computer has a lot to do with it, but I have learned that there are just mean and vicious people in the world! I have often said that some appear that they are posting from mental institutions or even prison!

Re: I have two questions.

Chrystaltree2 — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 21:04:03 GMT

Go back in time and ask Eve.....

Re: I have two questions.

151949 — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:16:44 GMT

On 12/29/2014 Hooty said:
NC Bandwagon, to tell you honestly, this has been going on forever on these boards! I joined 8 yrs ago and I was outraged as a troll, I was told that I was someone that had comeback under a new name! I was shocked, this was the first forum that I had ever joined and I had no idea people that didn't even know you could be so mean and hateful! I even had a stalker, she was very mean and I was really scared of her that she would find out who I was and try to do something to me! She no longer posts here, but I will never forget her and her hatefulness! I have met some nice people here and met some not so nice people here! There are two that I have remained friends with for many years to this day, I hope to meet them in person one day!

I think hiding behind a computer has a lot to do with it, but I have learned that there are just mean and vicious people in the world! I have often said that some appear that they are posting from mental institutions or even prison!

My experiences here are exactly the same as yours.

Re: I have two questions.

chickenbutt — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:32:56 GMT

There is some serious ugliness on this board, and has been for some time now. I remember, several years ago, when one poster started a hate board of her own. She would come here and act all 'best friends' with the posters here, then go there and, along with her buddies, say hideous, horrible things about the same people. They even created demeaning emoticons and named them after several posters here.

The funny part was that they thought it was private, until a bunch of the stuff got posted here, including the mean emoticons. oops! That was when I realized what that person was all about. I don't remember who the other members were, but that one was one I never forgot because she still is probably one of the most passive-aggressive people I've encountered.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I guess SOME women feel good about being mean and hateful toward others. I've known women like this and it usually turns out that they just don't like themselves very much and it makes them feel better about themselves to try and drag others down. I don't feel anger toward people like that anymore. After all, my own so-called mother was that kind of self-loathing person. I do feel badly for them. But that is what I think it boils down to.

Re: I have two questions.

reese2 — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 22:51:19 GMT

I don't know which board you're referring to, CB, but I personally have posted graphics from another site that were ugly and demeaning to several posters here just to prove a point.

I don't know why some people act the way that they do, but I don't see it changing anytime soon.

I do believe there are some "new" posters who change their nics just to mock and ridicule other people anonymously or to inflame and create drama. We're already anonymous, but it's nice to know as best you can who you're talking to on this board. The alternate nics are irritating.

Re: I have two questions.

YorkieonmyPillow — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 23:39:04 GMT

On 12/29/2014 Hooty said:

I have often said that some appear that they are posting from mental institutions or even prison!

LOL!!!!!!

Re: I have two questions.

jeanlake — Mon, 29 Dec 2014 23:45:59 GMT

Hi NC. Mean posters are rare, IMO, but do temporarily leave an ugly mark. Stink the place up a bit. It's generally someone who is perpetually cranky, unhappy, powerless, wounded or insecure. Have you heard the phrase, hurting people hurt people?

People hide behind screens. (Ha - remember the Wizard of Oz?) I remember taking an online college class. A guy named Mike was in two of my online classes and he routinely sniped, growled and put down ideas and comments from students in the classes. Mike was also outwardly disrespectful to both instructors -- Ph.D in Psychology and well-known mediation attorney. Of course, although we never met Mike in person, we all developed opinions about the illusive Mike. My last class was offered via in-person; classroom. During first-day class introductions we met the famous Mike. There he was. Scrunched down in the back of the classroom offering no eye contact, giving the appearance of a mousey character. Rarely heard him speak the entire semester. Lost his bark. That was an eye opening experience for me. I think about Mike when I read some of the usual suspects' rude and negative comments on the Q boards. They are 'Mike' to me. Nothing more.

I understand what you are saying, NC. The mean comments remind me of the anonymous SLAM Books that floated around middle school/junior high hallways. I remember reading this about myself -- I was 'the girl with the dead mother.' She passed away Easter weekend, 7th grade. Cancer. I think it took two weeks for that phrase to surface in the slam book. Anonymously, of course. Dark hearts.

Re: I have two questions.

jubilant — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 00:46:26 GMT

I think it's best to respond to the troublemakers with as few words as possible. Once you react and ""lose your cool"" they have won. That's what they wanted in the first place and that is why they say what they say. They are insecure people and it's really very sad as they usually end up lonely old people because (without help) they rarely change. We need to learn not to be shocked by their actions. They just love the ""shock value"" they think they have and actually do have if you let it! They are some of the smartest manipulators around. I have said this before and I will say it again...because it is something my Dad taught me.....They are watching where you tie your goat and like Dad said....""Don't let them see where you tie your goat"" I don't know about you.... but I don't care to give a person that much power over me. I wish we could all come to the point where we see it for what it is and not be quite so sensitive to it or shocked by it. It just fuels their fire. I am not running anyone down here for venting....I do understand and wished I would have learned this much earlier in my life than I did. It would have saved me a lot of pain.

Re: I have two questions.

jeanlake — Tue, 30 Dec 2014 01:13:07 GMT

"They are watching where you tie your goat," And like Dad said...."Don't let them see where you tie your goat."

Jubilant, I love your dad's words. Dr. William Ury, Mediation guru and negotiator, advises us to remain a mystery to people who are not in our inner circle of trust. I wish Dr. Ury would have completed the sentence with your dad's wise words. Again, love it. Thanks for sharing