topic Re: How Would You Approach This Issue? in Community Chat

How Would You Approach This Issue?

Madisson — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 17:46:30 GMT

Delicate issue here. I'm the caregiver for my 90 year old mother, who is very demanding and controlling. When we built our house, we built a little efficiency apartment in it just for her. She has a small kitchen in it, but she usually takes her meals with us. She is very spry for 90 years old.

I have two sisters who give me absolutely no support. I don't mean financially. My mother is very secure financially. My sisters never call to ask how things are going with Mom. When I call them and start talking about my mother, all of a sudden they have to go.

My mother wants to live with us, not with my sisters. I love my mother, but she can be extremely difficult...as well as extremely self-centered. I'm sure she calls my sisters and whines about us. We take her wherever she wants to go and provide her with everything she needs. She will whine when we are having guests to dinner. She will whine about what lights to leave on for security at night. She whines about what radio station we have on. She will whine about what we are serving for dinner...or the way I set the table. She whines about everything. She refuses to travel alone, so we can't put her on a plane and send her on vacation to my sisters.

One of my sisters and her husband are coming to spend the holidays with us. I'd like to go out to lunch with just my sister and bring up the issue of Mom and how I need some moral support. Yet, I don't want to start a battle. How would you approach this subject politely (not in an aggressive manner)?

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

Group 5 minus 1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 17:50:27 GMT

You probably won't like this but here goes. If your Mom is $$ secure she needs to be in an

Assisted Living Facility. Don't bother w/ your sisters. Just do it.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

sassenach1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 17:56:40 GMT

Being a caregiver is a difficult thing. I know from long experience. Although I am "only child", I know that the caring for a parent usually falls to only one person. Nice as it would be, don't expect help from your siblings. Sorry, that is probably the reality.

You can accept your situation or place your mother in an assisted living facility.

If you continue the current situation, then try to find the good in it. Give yourself small breaks when you can. Take that whine and turn it into something you can - try - to laugh about. Laughter really does help.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

millieshops — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:02:07 GMT

You don't say how long mom has lived with you, but I'm thinking it's been for a while now and in that time, she hasn't changed and neither have your sisters.

There isn't any reason for the rest of them to change - they're happy with the current situation. That goes even for mom who probably does whine all the time.

So, if anything is ever going to be different, the change is going to come from you - and that won't be easy. I don't want you to think it will be. There just are very few comfortable choices.

If you're okay with mom going to be in assisted living, present that option to her when she whines about your home and see how she reacts. If she accepts, tell your sisters that's the decision you and mom have made. Don't ask- they have already shown they don't want to be involved.

If mom doesn't want to live in a facility other than your home, you need to ask her to change - although she's now in the habit of whining and that will be tough for her. Was she a whiner before she came to live with you? If so, even harder.

And if all else fails, give mom a new goal- one whine a day and then no more -or whatever you can stand.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

Preds — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:03:42 GMT

Maybe you could ask your sister for "a break" to refresh and unwind. See if she would be willing to take Mother home with her for a couple of weeks or months to allow you some down time. Maybe if she sees what you have to go thru every single day, she might appreciate it more. The change of scenery might do your Mother some good, too. She might be nicer when she has to come back.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

Group 5 minus 1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:04:24 GMT

She is NOT going to change. And sometimes we do not not have choices.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

sassenach1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:09:34 GMT

Mom is not going to change. She will only continue to get worse the older she gets. That is how it works, unfortunately.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

rolen — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:09:50 GMT

Unfortunately, I agree with the others. You won't get any help from your siblings. If they have avoided the situation until now, they aren't going to change.

I had to see an Elder Specialist Attorney about my Mom. He said that even when there are multiple children, over and over he saw that everything fell to just one of them. The others just went on with their lives basically ignoring the situation with the parents and the care-taker sibling. The only time he heard from the non caregivers was when there was a question about money. Sometimes, he had to contact all of the children about a financial matter. The ones who were not caretakers complained and discouraged taking any money from their inheritance. But other than money matters, they had no concern about the aging parent.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

TaxyLady — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:10:45 GMT

I think most of us have been caregivers. We are caregivers when we have children. It is not an easy task. Taking care of a spouse that is ill is hard too. Honoring your mother and father is a biblical principle that results in a long life, according to God's Word. So rejoice in this knowledge. I think your mother chose you because of your kindness and love toward her. I think that is a wonderful blessing. If others do not volunteer, forget it, and do the best you can. You will be rewarded.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

millieshops — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:10:54 GMT

On 12/19/2014 ncascade said:
She is NOT going to change. And sometimes we do not not have choices.

She (mom) is not and neither are the sisters. Only OP can change - which might also create change elsewhere, but I don't think so.

I'd only say that I do believe we have choices, just not necessarily pretty ones.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

sassenach1 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:11:05 GMT

On 12/19/2014 rolen said:
Unfortunately, I agree with the others. You won't get any help from your siblings. If they have avoided the situation until now, they aren't going to change.

I had to see an Elder Specialist Attorney about my Mom. He said that even when there are multiple children, over and over he saw that everything fell to just one of them. The others just went on with their lives basically ignoring the situation with the parents and the care-taker sibling. The only time he heard from the non caregivers was when there was a question about money. Sometimes, he had to contact all of the children about a financial matter. The ones who were not caretakers complained and discouraged taking any money from their inheritance. But other than money matters, they had no concern about the aging parent.

ITA. This is reality for most.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

emmysmom — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:12:46 GMT

On 12/19/2014 Sassenach1 said:
On 12/19/2014 rolen said:
Unfortunately, I agree with the others. You won't get any help from your siblings. If they have avoided the situation until now, they aren't going to change.

I had to see an Elder Specialist Attorney about my Mom. He said that even when there are multiple children, over and over he saw that everything fell to just one of them. The others just went on with their lives basically ignoring the situation with the parents and the care-taker sibling. The only time he heard from the non caregivers was when there was a question about money. Sometimes, he had to contact all of the children about a financial matter. The ones who were not caretakers complained and discouraged taking any money from their inheritance. But other than money matters, they had no concern about the aging parent.

ITA. This is reality for most.

As a caregiver, I see this ALL the time..heartbreaking!

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

emmysmom — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:21:22 GMT

Madisson, Can you afford a caregiver?? You said your mom was fine financially..you can have someone for just a few hours, daily, a couple of times weekly, whatever fits your need...just that break will do you wonders! I get tired, caregiving, is hard work, so I know how you feel! For the most part the women I've cared for have been very thankful and its made all the difference. I feel like I have a purpose..as mothers, women, we're all caregivers!

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

qualitygal — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:22:40 GMT

Ok here goes. Tell your sister mom can afford this and I'm getting a care giver in for a couple of hours a few days a week so I can have a breather. Since they don't pay for her care or care to assist, you go right ahead and do this for your own sanity and a much needed break. Mom will get used to it and just tell her, if she tries to object, YOU need to tend to some stuff. Your sister from where I set, has NO SAY in this. You're the leader and you lead, they just want to be in the background. Some people can't handle this. You can, so you get to have the say and by golly, you've earned it. BTDT.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

ROMARY — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:27:07 GMT

This situation regarding siblings is so common that I'd almost venture to say that's it's 'normal'. My guess is that none of them would visit mom in an assisted living facility, too. All I can think of is to have friends/neighbors visit mom more often. Around here, there are many weekly senior events/luncheons/classes. And most who attend are in their late 80's and mid 90's. In some areas there are shuttles to and from community centers, etc. I do believe your mom could be a bit bored and needs some outside stimulation. The best of luck. p.s. Some folks are natural 'complainers'. And, most often, folks at an assisted living center won't be very receptive unless the person changes on her/his own. .......... EDITED to include a cheerful caregiver to visit mom a few hours a day, week, whatever. Someone for mom to look forward to. Check out the various local licensed agencies in your area.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

ROMARY — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:32:36 GMT

p.s. Yes ! A nice, cheerful caregiver to keep mom company. A few hours a day, week, whatever ! Mom needs outsiders to talk with, maybe go for a walk down the block, sit in a park for a half hour, etc. Just call a few agencies. They will come to the house, discuss prices, etc. Make sure that you tell them that you want a cheerful, interactive caregiver. Licensed agencies pay their employees, deal with their tax forms, are insured, etc. No worries for you.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

JustJazzmom — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:37:57 GMT

Rolen, you are spot on with those self centered siblings who only care about the $$ they will inherit once that parent is gone or the benefits but none of the negatives that go into the day to day watching over of a parent.

Some people never see beyond the noses of their faces no matter how many times you talk to someone about various things. It's all about them and no one else in their lives and they will be the first to ask when the time comes, where are my siblings when I need watching over?

The answer will be: you reap what you sow.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

Chrystaltree2 — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 18:58:00 GMT

I wouldn't approach the subject at all. What would be the point? Other than to start a fight with your sister. You already know that neither of your sisters wants to know about or hear anything about the challenges you face with your mother. You know that. Like it or not, your mother is your responsiblity and your burden and your sisters aren't going to lighten your load. Partly because they can't. She lives with you. They could offer some moral support but that's not something they want to do. Your mother is 90 and it sounds like she's behaving like a normal 90 year old. You probably do need some relief, some time away from her. If money isn't a problem, you should consider having a professional caretaker come to sit with her while you take some time off. Even a weekend with your husband. She's lucid, she understands everything. So, you shouldn't feel that you have to take her everywhere you go. She'll whine but our kids also whined about things and we lived with the whining. Your situation is pretty common. It would be nice to think that all the siblings shared the challenges and responsiblitlies or caring for older parents but that just isn't the case. It's usually like your situation. One of the siblings has all of the responsibilty and all of the burden.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

ROMARY — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 19:02:57 GMT

In our area, having a caregiver visit for a few hours here and there is a lot less expensive than assisted living and other facilities, where you would have to literally pay thousands and thousands of dollars (used to be 7K about ten years ago, probably much more now) per month. Reading previous threads/posts, it all depends on the area, and how much land is available for these facilities. Cost of living, etc. Just to keep mom fairly content, I would first at least try the caregiver route, and visits to your local community centers/events/functions.

Re: How Would You Approach This Issue?

LilacTree — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 19:18:54 GMT

I wish I had something wise and helpful to say. I don't. Sometimes people just live too long. Consider yourself an "angel," because that's who you are. And love your mom, as you continue to do. She can't help being who she is.

I do have words for your sisters, but I will keep them to myself. I do think you should have a talk with them, however. But I understand that can be a dangerous path. I'll never understand how families can justify doing this but, as others have said, it is not rare.

My very best to you. You are a good person.