topic Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED in Community Chat

OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

RERUN — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 14:17:28 GMT

My father died 2 years ago, age 87. My uncle (my father's younger brother) is a priest. My dad was giving him money every month towards his mortgage payment to help him out. We went to my uncle's home as my dad wanted to see it (out of town) about a year before my dad died.

When my father saw how many improvements and money he spent on the house (new kitchen, new hardwood floors, landscaping galore, shed) my dad decided to stop sending him money for awhile and spend it on himself. His words to me were "he has nicer stuff than I have, I'm going to get new windows!". So my dad wrote him a letter and told him that he was going to stop giving him money for awhile.

Then my dad passed away suddenly. My father at one time long ago said he wanted to give his house to my uncle (not stated in will, just told me). My dad may have told his brother this, I don't know. Then after the visit my father said he wasn't giving his brother anymore money.

Viewing came and uncle showed up late, he was officiating the service with the priest from the parish. The FIRST thing out of his mouth to me was "I want to rent your father's house". Here he is late, with a room full of people, and he says that. I didn't say anything back to him.

Then after everything was over and he was leaving he said it again & that it was getting bad where he lived. I told him it was no better where my dad's house is and left it at that.

He didn't stay overnight because "he didn't have the money". i have no room at my house and I didn't want ANYONE staying at my dad's. Days later he emailed me and said he wanted to rent again. I wrote back and said that I was selling the house, not renting.

I've never heard from him again! We were close, kept in touch. I sent him a Xmas card last year, no response. I think he is mad at me because A) I didn't rent the house to him, B) I didn't pay him for his service at the funeral (he's my dad's brother, I would think he would do it for free) and C) I didn't pay for a hotel for him while here or offer for him to stay at my dad's house.

My plan is to send him a Xmas card, send pics of our last visits and just sign my name.

Thoughts please? I am an only child. Thanks.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

Lakk — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 15:01:23 GMT

Seems to me he took enough from your dad and didn't use it for the reason your dad sent it. Your dad thought he needed it and the man can afford to make home improvements? I MIGHT send a card, but not pictures, if he didn't respond this year, I'd be done with him! Your dad wanted him to have the house when he THOUGHT he needed it. I'd sell it and forget it with a clear conscience.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

Anglophilly — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 15:54:34 GMT

I'm puzzled.

Is this a Catholic priest? Perhaps retired? Does he belong to an order?

I've always thought priests were supported by the diocese as far as living expenses and residence; for instance, rectory or friary. Most diocese have retirement homes for elderly or infirm priests.

I know that families often chip in, especially for cars, but a house seems a bit much. Some orders take vows of poverty, but that's a whole different circumstance.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

Financialgrl — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 16:14:05 GMT

I don't give a "pass" to someone bc they are priests, ministers, nun, etc. in the scenario you describe. No excuse for anyone taking advantage of someone and if anything, I'd hold a person of the church to a higher standard.

I'd send a card now and later when cleaning out your father's place, if you find old pics of them growing up, make copies and send those to him. But I'd have to wonder - if his house is in much better shape than your father's and is now renovated why does he want to rent your father's home???

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

qvcfreak — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 16:18:39 GMT

Priests don't pay rent, they live in the home provided by the Parish, when they move and they are moved often, they take residence in the house provided by the new Parish. They get a salary, $1000 plus, but when you consider that you don't have to pay rent or utilities it's a good salary. Upgrades to a home are done with the church money.

And the parishioners are always taking them out to eat and giving them money. I know we've always done a lot for our Priest and I attend a very small community church.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

lovestopaint — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 17:38:30 GMT

If I were you I would just let sleeping dogs lay.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

colliegirls — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 17:51:39 GMT

You are not your Uncle's keeper. If you want to send a gift card or cash for Christmas that would be nice. Other than that, you owe him nothing.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

Vamp — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 18:39:57 GMT

I agree with colliegirls. If you want to send him a card and wish him a merry Christmas, do so. You don't owe him anything, and it he wants to hold a grudge, that's on him.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

RERUN — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 22:33:47 GMT

He is a retired Catholic priest. He bought his own home. He still helps out at the church but he is living in his own home. He's in his 70's. I'm sure he collects Social Security as he did work long before he went into the priesthood.

I don't know why he wanted to rent my dad's house. His area is no different than where my dad's is. There is crime everywhere today, neither are bad neighborhoods, just old homes.

I sold the house a year ago. Everything I wanted to keep I kept. I'm still sorting through things. My uncle insisted that he had a framed certificate in my dad's crawl space. I never found it. I just spoke to my cousin last night and lo and behold she found a box of his stuff in her mother's basement (my aunt) and I bet it is in those boxes.

Since he moved around a lot my dad & his sister stored stuff for him. Then one day he came to visit & we made him take all of it with him. His car was so packed up you couldn't get a dime in there! Thank goodness my dad did that because I didn't have to deal with it.

I forgot that my uncle also has a rocking chair left here (now at my house). In my last email to him a year ago or so I asked what he wanted to do about it. No response. So I'm selling it.

It is just upsetting that he just dropped me like this! Thanks for your comments.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

lovescats — Wed, 17 Dec 2014 23:05:27 GMT

I think I would at least call him about the rocking chair. A lot of times emails can get lost or deleted by mistake. He might have had a lot of home improvements but maybe they were done at low or no cost by his former parishioners. Because he worked before becoming a priest doesn't mean he's getting a lot from social security. You said you were close and kept in touch I would try to call.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

KYToby — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 01:59:16 GMT

I say send the card and add a note indicating the chair is there. Let him know that it is in the way, and if he does not get in touch with you soon, you will have to get rid of it.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

jeanlake — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 03:11:39 GMT

I'm so sorry, Rerun. Family is family and sometimes it hurts. As one poster often states -- you can't reason with unreasonable people. I fear your uncle, even though he did good work throughout his lifetime, isn't a reasonable person. He sounds like someone who got used to others taking care of him and he didn't want it to stop. I'm glad you have cousins to share your emotions with. I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Take the high road with your uncle, but don't allow him to step on you.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

BellaPaprika — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 04:02:40 GMT

I would not send a card nor pics nor anything. He cut himself off and by reaching out you're just going to give him hope that he can use you the way he did your father. You don't need him.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

qualitygal — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 11:19:37 GMT

I say, listen to your heart and head. On one hand I'd say, don't alienate family, but mostly, I see him as a taker. Taker's make your life miserable. You know what's best for your situation and your decisions will be what you are going to live with. See what your bottom line is and what you can live with in your decisions. I have an only child, and that's what I'd tell him. Good luck, it's not an easy time. You sound like you're smart, and you'll do ok.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

jubilant — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 14:40:13 GMT

Sometimes people who were once givers can become takers. They have been enabled so much by other people and grew so accustomed to it that now it is expected. This could be what happened with your Uncle. I have seen this happen in my own family where a once hardworking giver went through some bad times and another member of the family came in and did too much. Today....that person is ok on their own....but has lost confidence in his ability to make it on his own. While he is perfectly able to do it....he really still thinks he needs others to "help" him do it. The fact is that some of these people have lost confidence in their own abilities and really believe that they can't do it. Many parents do this with their own children and, while their intentions are good, it actually has a ''crippling" effect on their children. I am not saying that is the case here. I just thought I would throw this out there as it had a "familiar ring" to me because of a situation I have observed over the years.

I agree with Ury's and some other similar posts as the best way to handle it.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

RERUN — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 13:45:53 GMT

I've decided to send a card with the pictures, sign my name and that is it. I'll keep you posted if I hear from him or not. I feel in my heart that is what I need to do and then it is done and off my mind.

Thanks for your support, caring and advice!

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

Ms X — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 21:59:13 GMT

I'd be careful of this uncle, Rerun. He sounds like a user and a scammer. Maybe he wanted to rent your father's house so he could get a toehold there and then claim it was supposed to be given to him and refuse to leave or pay rent. When he didn't get what he wanted from you, he had no more use for you. That tells you all you need to know about his true motives.

Re: OPINIONS PLEASE - UNCLE AFTER MY DAD DIED

chickenbutt — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 22:45:34 GMT

Sounds like a nice guy - NOT!

You don't owe him anything.