topic Re: How would you answer this friend? in Community Chat

How would you answer this friend?

Shorty2U — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:23:43 GMT

I have a good friend (maybe not so good anymore). We have been friends for a total of 45 years. (We met as children).

Her and her husband and my husband and I get together once a year for dinner out and each couple pays their own way. (It should be more like it used to be but it isn't to them being quote busy). We also type back and forth about whats going on with us.

So she wrote asking us to get together 2 months ago. I said when did they want to? Oh she said soon but no definite date. I waited thinking well maybe they have something going on and that I would hear from her soon.

So 2 weeks ago I wrote about going out last weekend and her excuse was their dishwasher broke so they cant go out! (What? IMO that's all the more reason to go out, no dishes when eating out!). She said maybe next weekend would be better. I said OK let me know about this week then.

Well, I didn't hear back. SO I wrote back 2 days ago. I said do you want to get together this weekend either Fri nit OR Sat night (giving 2 choices in case they have something going on 1 night). I said we should get together before the bad weather hits and the hustle and bustle of the holidays.

No answer.

Tonight I wrote, so and so did you get my message? (At this point Im feeling like a darn beggar!) If so can you please let us know if yous can get together this weekend or not so we know our plans?

Finally she writes back. Oh sorry we have too much going on right now (who doesn't?) and she writes how about AFTER Thanksgiving!

So my husband says to me, he didn't want to say anything or interfere before but she is very controlling. Because every time we get together she postpones or changes it and or controls WHEN. He said she does this all the time to me. And hes right, she does. I am very laid back and realize the world doesn't revolve around me and Im not that busy so I tried to be nice.

I got all upset because we have been friends since we are children. Well what can I say? It hurts my feelings at times that I don't have all the friends I used to when I was healthy and worked.

SO, her making a monkey out of me for the umpteenth time got to me tonight.

I dont know what to write about getting together after Thanksgiving. I don't know what to say.

I FEEL LIKE saying well why don't you let me know when you have time for us, because you always do this! I don't want to be mean, but Im TIRED of it now.

Should I answer her with what I want to say or not even answer her at all? I just don't know if she is worth my time anymore.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

SnowPink — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:27:47 GMT

The ball is in her court. Don't write her back after Thanksgiving. If she wants to see you all then, she can set it up. Don't feel obligated just because you've known her 45 years.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

sylviahomeatlast — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:43:28 GMT

...I would put the friend aside (not totally give up the friendship) and let it go until she makes a definite plan. I wouldn't contact her until she contacts me.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

minkbunny — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:45:50 GMT

Any more communication and I would feel like a stalker - or stalkee.

If she contacts you with a possible date for a get-together and you are available and want to go, then do so.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

shoptilyadropagain — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:50:32 GMT

I've had a friend or two who have done the same thing to me. After awhile, I refuse to be jerked around and don't make contact unless they do first.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

Kalli — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 05:58:08 GMT

Sometimes it's more hurt to hold onto a friendship that isn't what you thought it was, than to just move on.

-Kalli

Re: How would you answer this friend?

Snowpuppy — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:08:57 GMT

The ball is in her court so let it go.

If she wants to contact you she will. If not then respect her wishes.

My BFF of many years and I have parted ways so I understand the hurt. I kept up my end with calls, emails and ecards. I haven't heard from her in a couple of years and have let it go.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

ROMARY — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:11:24 GMT

I would 'shake it off', let it go, etc. You don't want to sound desperate, as it could work in reverse. Just enjoy your life, your Thanksgiving, Holidays, etc. 'Wait and see' if and when she decides that she has the time to get together with you. She will eventually wonder 'what you've been up to'. So, you and your husband plan several activities for the two of you to do now, so when she finally does contact you, you can 'go on and on' about all of the wonderful things you two have done, attended, visited, etc. Try not to give her the impression that you've been 'waiting' for her to call/contact you. Anyway, have a beautiful Thanksgiving and Holidays.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

Lindsays Grandma — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:21:22 GMT

I would say from the advice you got here pretty much tells you what you need to do. Move on, let it go for now and wait and see. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

foundinlv — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:21:31 GMT

shorty2U.....I would let it go but not give up the friendship. Considering how long you two go back, I doubt that it's personal. I was supposed to meet a friend of mine that I absolutely adore but I had to back out as it required to either fly or drive 330 miles. As the day approached I just didn't feel like it. Most of us have other obligations that crop up which affect our decisions; it's not like when we were kids footloose and fancy free all the time. Was she disappointed.....yes and I was too.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

Anglophilly — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:35:28 GMT

You must feel very hurt. 45 years is too long a time to give up on a friendship, for both of you.

Maybe something else is going on that she doesn't want to share. Money problems, marriage difficulties, kids etc. Could be a thoughtless lapse.

Let it go for now, but don't write her off permanently. Life changes in the blink of an eye and regrets are tough to banish.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

Shorty2U — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:39:35 GMT

From the OP.....Ok thank you so much for the replies. I appreciate it. I will shake it off and let the ball in her court.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

sidsmom — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:50:11 GMT

Another forum I belong to talked about skills we all need to develop. One was...The act of 'How to know when it's time to 'cut & run' (relationships, jobs, routines, goals). The idea is...being in a bad relationship is easy to ID a 'cut & run'...but even if it's a long-time relationship meeting once a year....even those could qualify as a 'cut & run'. You just don't have anything in common anymore...other than the number of yrs you've known each other. You've grown apart. Why stay in a relationship just because you had the same 3rd grade teacher? It's OK...just cut & not run, but walk away. It's OK. Grow ups can do that.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

september — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 06:57:05 GMT

I would give her some space right now. There might be things going on in her life that she can't talk to you about right now. Or...she might be very disorganized, and can't figure out a good time to get together.

Don't take it personally, but just wait it out and let her be the one to make the next move.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

colliemom4 — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 07:08:14 GMT

I would just wait for her to contact me.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

Free2be — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 07:13:28 GMT

I would re-embrace this relationship in the same way she has -- with some indifference. Don't make a big deal about any of it, let it go and let her decide when they have time for you. Then you decide if you have time for them.

Sometimes friendships take a break for a year or a few and people are able to pick up where they left off like it was yesterday. If you continue to feel resentment, it's probably in need of a break.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

betteb — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 07:32:17 GMT

On 11/20/2014 Joselyn33 said:
The ball is in her court. Don't write her back after Thanksgiving. If she wants to see you all then, she can set it up. Don't feel obligated just because you've known her 45 years.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

september — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 07:52:36 GMT

Speaking for myself...I would not give up on a 45 year relationship, because of problems that have been going on for 2 months. I don't throw people away that easily! Kind of surprised at some of the responses here. Have none of you ever been though a period where you couldn't give your usual amount of attention to some of your friends?

Re: How would you answer this friend?

occasionalrain — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 08:17:05 GMT

We can't know what is going on in another's life that they may not feel comfortable sharing. It could be her husband who causes the delays and cancelations. It could be that she's experiencing bouts of depression.

I had a close friend but once we were married our husbands didn't care for each other, truth be told, I didn't care for her husband either so we saw less and less of each other.

So, my advice is to not take it personally and continue to keep in touch and if she finds a time to get together go and if not forget about it, dinner out together isn't all that.

Re: How would you answer this friend?

oceantown — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 08:31:18 GMT

When she mentioned the dishwasher the first thing that I thought of was the cost of the repair made them have to postpone going out to dinner. Then other expenses may be coming up such as Thanksgiving dinner etc.