topic Re: Forgivness in Community Chat

Forgivness

151949 — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 21:46:56 GMT

At my sewing club this morning we were discussing how hard it is for some families to get along over the holidays and related issues. One of the ladies said the wisest thing I have ever heard. She said if people could only realize the value of forgiving each other they would be so much happier, and all that family drama would just go away. I said I agree - it's not that every family doesn't have issues - every family does. But some families wallow in it and other ones forgive and forget - and that is the only difference between the happy families and the dysfunctional ones. People need to recognize that they can't change anyone but themselves, so all you can do is just tell yourself to forgive and then release it. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to let them continue to do anything to you , it does not mean you don't protect yourself in the future from them, it just means you do not allow past acts to continue to eat at you, because that just creates a big place of pain in you.

Re: Forgivness

birddrops — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 21:58:47 GMT

True words. At times hard to do, been there. Sometimes you can forgive but the possibility of continuing a relationship is gone, however, you can still love the person and wish the best for him.

Re: Forgivness

YorkieonmyPillow — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 21:59:09 GMT

I totally agree.....some people hang onto grudges like they're gold....

Re: Forgivness

HisElk — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:16:05 GMT

It is a great idea to be able to forgive and go on; however, in my years of dealing with my former in-laws, both sides have to be able to forgive. I attempted to offer this suggestion to them many years ago and while the other side hears the idea, they have to agree to it in order for that to happen and without any "buts".

It takes both sides in order to accomplish it.

At this time in my life, thankfully, I don't have to deal with that situation anymore.

Re: Forgivness

dooBdoo — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:21:52 GMT

There have been many interesting threads on the topic of forgiveness. I think it's essential to realize that forgiveness doesn't mean what the person did was okay, it just means you no longer allow it to affect you. Holding onto it is poisoning yourself -- like the old adage, anger is an acid that does far more damage to the vessel which holds it than to anything on which it's poured.

Re: Forgivness

QueenDanceALot — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:26:11 GMT

I saw a story (true) about a woman who had been viciously raped, beaten, left for dead, almost DID die after suffering a stroke after her attack.

She made a miraculous recovery and was still working on getting her ability to speak back when she forgave her attacker in court.

She told the interviewer that she did it so that she could move on with her life. She certainly wasn't saying that what this monster had done to her was okay.

An amazing, strong woman.

Re: Forgivness

brii — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:29:59 GMT

Forgiving is hard for a lot of people. It gets tangled up in forgetting the past. I can't change people, but I control how I move on. I don't let People have that kind of control over me.

Re: Forgivness

BellaPaprika — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:30:35 GMT

I forgive (defined as no longer feeling anger or resentment toward someone who has offended you) but I do not forget. I believe people when they show me who they are and I don't put myself in a position where they can hurt me twice. That's what I mean by not forgetting. So if I had a family member who had really hurt me in the past I would avoid contact with them or remain as distant as possible from them. I'm not talking petty grudges and bickering. I'm talking about someone who has really done harm.

Re: Forgivness

colliegirls — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 23:10:49 GMT

Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from these relatives. Sometimes the water under the bridge is just too much to forgive or forget, it can be years of bad memories.

Re: Forgivness

free-spirit — Wed, 19 Nov 2014 23:46:08 GMT

I keep the following taped up next to my PC.

From Forgive for Good by Dr Fred Luskin:

What Forgiveness Is:

Forgiveness is for you and not the offender.

Forgiveness is taking back your power.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel.

Forgiveness is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you.

Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings.

Forgiveness can improve your mental and physical health.

Forgiveness is becoming a hero instead of a victim.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Everyone can learn to forgive.

What Forgiveness Is Not:

Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness.

Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened.

Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior.

Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to give up having feelings.

Re: Forgivness

ShowMe — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 00:22:59 GMT

On 11/19/2014 free-spirit said:
I keep the following taped up next to my PC.

From Forgive for Good by Dr Fred Luskin:

What Forgiveness Is:

Forgiveness is for you and not the offender.

Forgiveness is taking back your power.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel.

Forgiveness is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you.

Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings.

Forgiveness can improve your mental and physical health.

Forgiveness is becoming a hero instead of a victim.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Everyone can learn to forgive.

What Forgiveness Is Not:

Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness.

Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened.

Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior.

Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to give up having feelings.

Thanks......this is so good.

But, I do have problems with letting go and forgetting.......as I am sure many folks do.

Re: Forgivness

ROMARY — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 00:33:41 GMT

Smart folks, even countries, have had to move forward and 'get along'. Just look back at World history. We would be 'in a heck of a mess' had we not helped rebuild and move forward.

Re: Forgivness

foundinlv — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 01:41:22 GMT

One of my first cousins did something so terrible, that she is dead to me and I have always hated that expression. In fact, there's never been anyone I ever felt before the need to use that terrible expression...but so was her act, that so rightly deserves it.

Re: Forgivness

dooBdoo — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 01:47:15 GMT

On 11/19/2014 free-spirit said:
I keep the following taped up next to my PC.

From Forgive for Good by Dr Fred Luskin:

What Forgiveness Is:

Forgiveness is for you and not the offender.

Forgiveness is taking back your power.

Forgiveness is taking responsibility for how you feel.

Forgiveness is about your healing and not about the people who hurt you.

Forgiveness helps you get control over your feelings.

Forgiveness can improve your mental and physical health.

Forgiveness is becoming a hero instead of a victim.

Forgiveness is a choice.

Everyone can learn to forgive.

What Forgiveness Is Not:

Forgiveness is not condoning unkindness.

Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened.

Forgiveness is not excusing poor behavior.

Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender.

Forgiveness does not mean you have to give up having feelings.

Thanks for posting this, free-spirit! I've never seen it before, but I'm definitely copying and saving it.

Re: Forgivness

sylviahomeatlast — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 01:55:23 GMT

if I want forgiveness, I need to be willing to forgive others---

Re: Forgivness

Marianne1 — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 02:07:53 GMT

I don't like the guilt inducing feeling that sometimes comes across when people tell others they need to forgive.

Like there is something wrong with the person that can't or won't forgive.

Too personal to make blanket statements, for me.

Re: Forgivness

jubilant — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 02:17:58 GMT

For the most part, I refuse to spend much time around a person I have forgiven if that person continues to have ill will for me. Forgiveness is really an on going thing that you do for yourself so as not to live in anger and stress. However, to purposely put yourself in harms way with a person you have forgiven but who continues to treat you badly is something I won't do.

Re: Forgivness

June Lands — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 03:10:55 GMT

On 11/19/2014 colliegirls said:
Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away from these relatives. Sometimes the water under the bridge is just too much to forgive or forget, it can be years of bad memories.

I agree with this. I think if people walked away, there would be much less domestic violence and abuse.

Re: Forgivness

makeup addict — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 03:31:22 GMT

I was at a Women of Faith conference this weekend and they shared this story. She lost her daughter on Mother's Day. Matthew West wrote a song about Forgiveness in part to this story.

Forgiveness is release.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mothers-forgiveness-gives-convict-second-chance/

(CBS News) TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- Not many convicts consider themselves blessed, but Eric Smallridge does, and for good reason. He's getting out of prison -- way early.

"It's going to be like being on borrowed time, because I know I should still be in prison, because the justice system said I should still be in prison," Eric says.

Lisa Dickson and Meagan Napier.

CBS NEWS/NAPIER FAMILY

In 2003, Eric, of Tallahassee, Fla., was found guilty of two counts of DUI manslaughter. While driving at twice the legal limit for alcohol, he hit a car carrying Lisa Dickson and Meagan Napier, both 20, killing both girls instantly. He got 22 years for the crime, which sounded just about right to Renee Napier, Meagan's mom.

"I felt like our system had served us well and justice had been served. I definitely felt that," Renee says.

But a few years later, a woman came forward and asked the judge to reduce Eric's sentence by half. She claimed Eric was truly sorry for what he'd done and deserved leniency. The judge obliged -- partly because of what she said, but mostly because of who she was.

Renee's 180-degree shift began with the single turn of a single phrase. First at Eric's sentencing and later in a letter, Renee told Eric she'd forgiven him, even though, at the time, she hadn't -- not really. At trial, Eric had actually been pretty defensive and unapologetic.

"I could hate him forever and the world would tell me that I have a right to do that," Renee says. "It's not going to do me any good, and it's not going to do him any good. I would grow old and bitter and angry and hateful. ... In my opinion, forgiveness is the only way to heal."

She says it did heal her -- almost as much as it healed him.

"It was like a burden," he says. "It was a weight off my chest. I no longer had to hide behind this facade."

Renee Napier embraces Eric Smallridge.

CBS NEWS/PENSACOLA NEWS JOURNAL

Following the forgiveness, Eric apologized repeatedly and profusely -- in private and in public -- to the families of both girls. Eventually, Lisa's parents forgave him, too, which only inspired Eric to atone even more.

While still in custody, Eric agreed to speak at high schools with Renee, telling kids, as only they can, the consequences of drinking and driving. They both plan to continue doing this even after Eric's release.

"I'm going to go to wherever we need to go to spread this message, because I don't believe it's about us anymore," he says.

"There's going to be healing, and there's going to be good things from here on out," says Renee.

This week Eric Smallridge was released from custody into the arms of his parents -- his mom so grateful that she actually hugged the guard first.

It's a happy ending that would have never existed without forgiveness. Because of that one powerful word, tonight he is free. And so is she.

The Meagan Napier Foundation

Re: Forgivness

makeup addict — Thu, 20 Nov 2014 03:34:20 GMT

Lyrics to the Matthew West song:

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
---
Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/forgiveness-lyrics-matthew-west.html#usF7vpLGzfDsiGjz.99