topic Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"". in Community Chat

My main concern for my child is not that he is "happy".

Mominohio — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:11:26 GMT

I may open a real can of worms with this one, but the post about parental responsibility, coupled with a conversation with my 18 year old son last night about a former girlfriend and her mother (and their dislike for me) made me remember something I firmly believe.

My son's "happiness" is not my first priority for him. That may sound cold, but there are things on my list of importance for him/his future that rank slightly above happiness, and without them, happiness might not be real or lasting. I don't think true happiness exists without some of the other things coming first.

We all want to see our children live long, healthy, happy lives, smile, enjoy life, but during the years we are raising them, their "happiness" especially as defined by today's society and many parents isn't my top priority.

My first concern, and the foundation for all other things, is his values. Call it what you will, religion, relationship with God, or however you define it. Without solid, strong, and good values, no matter how much else you achieve in life (wealth, education, happiness,fame, success) you won't be truly happy, and your life won't have real value. It is the foundation upon which all else is built.

Health comes next, with education (not just the book learning kind either) ranking right up there beside it.

In order to achieve real happiness, and for our best welfare, we have to sometimes deny ourselves things that make us "happy". For example, Having an expensive cell phone with all the benefits would make any 12 year old "happy" but perhaps it really isn't good for them. They didn't earn it, and things earned are much more appreciated that those given. They most likely aren't mature enough to use it and the technology wisely. That comes with age and supervised experience.

I, as a mother, am constantly facing other parents, who are more concerned about their child's happiness than their long term well being. It seems easier to give in to peer pressure and societal norms than to stand your ground and have your child not like you as you instill values of hard work, patience, delayed gratification, responsibility, honor, kindness, and humility. Most children will have periods of "unhappiness" with parents when these lessons are being ingrained. The ultimate goal is to have a happy life, but getting there, and the lessons required often lead to unhappiness at times for children (and many adults too) going through the process to get there.

I'd like to hear others ideas and input on the topic of just where "happiness" ranks in importance in child rearing, and if anyone else feels too many parents focus on that rather than other important values and lessons.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

betteb — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:26:32 GMT

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Qwackertoo — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:26:46 GMT

I think it is one of those things that has to be started before their first birthday. And continued and reinforced year after year. At a certain point, they then "know" you want them to be "happy" but that you also want for their well being, both spiritual, intellectual, material, safety . . . the whole Nine Yards . . . and most days they even appreciate you and your love & support of them and there will be days, hopefully few & far in-between that they don't and they let you know it too.

I have pulled the "I'm not your friend I'm your Mother" rank on them over the years. Of course I want to be their "friend" too but not like some parents who spoil them beyond rotten, don't expect manners and good behavior and buy them everything their little heart desires. Nope, not in my house.

I see some of my cousins with their young kids, even my youngest brother with his two young daughters . . . and think . . . one of these days you're gonna wish you had been a little stricter, a little tougher . . . much easier to do from the get go than with a full grown strong willed teenager or young adult.

Then you can send them off to college and know in your heart you did your absolute very best and that they will make good decisions and have a "happy life" in both work, play, love, marriage and their own children.

edit typo

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

sidsmom — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:28:30 GMT

Nice. I don't have kids, but understand what you're saying. Unhappiness & Angst are some of the best teachers of life. That's when you grow the most.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

scotttie — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:28:46 GMT

Wow, mominohio, you are an incredible mother. I agree with everything you said. Don't really have much to add. I do recall when raising my 3 girls that I often was not the most popular mom. In fact, once or twice mothers would call me and ask "Are you letting (DD)go?" They depended on my judgment for some reason. I think it is largely because of what you are saying. Momentary "happiness" is fleeting. Much more important are the other things you name.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Jazzybelle — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:30:16 GMT

Thankfully, a child's well-being and his happiness need not be mutually exclusive. I believe that in most cases, when parents make their child's well-being a priority, happiness naturally exists.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Mominohio — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:38:59 GMT

On 11/12/2014 Qwackertoo said:
I think it is one of those things that has to be started before their first birthday. And continued and reinforced year after year. At a certain point, they then "know" you want them to be "happy" but that you also want for their well being, both spiritual, intellectual, material, safety . . . the whole Nine Yards . . . and most days they even appreciate you and your love & support of them and there will be days, hopefully few & far in-between that they don't and they let you know it too.

I have pulled the "I'm not your friend I'm your Mother" rank on them over the years. Of course I want to be their "friend" too but not like some parents who spoil them beyond rotten, don't expect manners and good behavior and buy them everything their little heart desires. Nope, not in my house.

I see some of my cousins with their young kids, even my youngest brother with his two young daughters . . . and think . . . one of these days you're gonna wish you had been a little stricter, a little tougher . . . much easier to do from the get go than with a full grown strong willed teenager or young adult.

Then you can send them off to college and know in your heart you did your absolute very best and that they will make good decisions and have a "happy life" in both work, play, love, marriage and their own children.

edit typo

That is so very much the key to it, to start from the very beginning. Many people wait until the child is pre teen, and try to "lay down the law" after years of giving in to instant gratification, and the battle begins!

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Faye Kinitte — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:44:49 GMT

Very well said, OP. I think happiness is surely to follow the things you said you hope to instill in your children. Your words kind of remind me of the old simplistic proverb..".give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life." The long term should win out over the immediate gratification every time.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

colliegirls — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:56:17 GMT

I totally agree with you!

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Irshgrl31201 — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:57:43 GMT

Yup!

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

JustJazzmom — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 02:05:14 GMT

We are parents first then friends to our children.

Keep saying that to yourself and your children will grow into fine adults.

A little denial of 'what everyone else has' to your children is a good thing.

It's a fine dividing line to know when to be a parent and when to be a friend (or both).

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Surfnturf — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 02:11:23 GMT

I wasn't as strict as you, but I was raised by very strict parents in a very similar manner. I chose to vary a little from that, but I never varied from the things I felt were important. The goal most of us have is for our children to reach their potential. that's what mattered to me,and I never lost sight of that.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

sylviahomeatlast — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 02:18:34 GMT

Speaking as only 1/2 of the parents, I felt as if I did a terrible job. I didn't buy all the jazzy, shiny toys, simply gave them "adventures". They are lovely, smart and great adults but it feels as if they blossomed that way by themselves. I thought I was too strict, but they all tell me I was a "fun" mom. Good for you Mominohio We did and do give presents on Christmas, birthdays, etc, of course. I was a reading mom not so much a playing mom

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Surfnturf — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 02:23:25 GMT

I think most children who have good parents are grateful as adults.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

ROMARY — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 06:32:32 GMT

I couldn't wait to grow up and earn my own money, buy my own things. I felt accomplished as an adult! Great feeling.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Peaches McPhee — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 14:44:19 GMT

I have always said, that, in life, you can not be happy all the time. You are doing well if the happy time are more frequent than the unhappy times. But unhappy will always be there.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Pook — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 15:35:34 GMT

I agree with the OP on this one. Sure you want your child to be happy but those who go way overboard to protect their children and do everything for them so they will be "happy" are doing a great disservice to them. When they go out on their own they lack coping skills and that's what makes them feel entitled to everything they want. No one is happy all the time and children need to know life has challenges. Instilling values of hard work, patience, delayed gratification, responsibility, honor, kindness, and humility will serve them well for the future and they will be able look at life in a more positive way which ultimately brings on much happiness and contentment with what they have!

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

LilacTree — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 16:40:36 GMT

Responsibility had to come first with our family. I impressed upon them, being all girls, not to ever rely on anyone else in their lives, especially any man. I was a single working mother, not making very much money as a secretary in the early years after my divorce. They saw me grow, and they grew with me. They all worked part time after school, they bought their own cars and paid their own car insurance, they bought their own clothes, paid for their own educations in college (although they did get Pell Grants, scholarships and loans), paid for their own weddings, and their own divorces.

I always helped them the best I could and most of all, I gave them all of my love. The rest of it, the good and the bad, just fell into place. They were my world and still are. Our lives are not perfect and we deal with that.

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

VioletEyes — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 16:50:41 GMT

Interesting your comment about the 12 year old with the cell phone. When my son was in junior high all his friends had cell phones. I put him on our plan and expected him to be elated. Interestingly enough, he wasn't and I asked him why. He told me that he didn't want to be bothered constantly responding to the phone .....he saw it as a kind of intrusion.

Our children reflect what they see around them. I have always believed they are like sponges and what we as parents do and say is often far more important than many of us think. A parent can pay lots of lip service to what they claim is right from wrong but if their own behavior is far from exemplary, the kids absorb that. A parent who claims "Do as I say, not as I do" will raise a child that's confused possibly leading to a lot of unhappiness.

I don't think it is realistic to think that our children will be happy all of the time. Probably then we wouldn't enjoy the good times as much without having some adversity. However, I think as a mom, I want my children to be happy.....and that means following their OWN path and not some path that I want them to follow just because I say so. Accepting our children for who they are and not what we think we can make them or expect them to be, seems to work in my family. Good kids and they seem quite happy in their chosen professions and have strong friendships.....

Re: My main concern for my child is not that he is ""happy"".

Plaid Pants — Thu, 13 Nov 2014 16:55:48 GMT

On 11/13/2014 SoftRaindrops said:
Interesting your comment about the 12 year old with the cell phone. When my son was in junior high all his friends had cell phones. I put him on our plan and expected him to be elated. Interestingly enough, he wasn't and I asked him why. He told me that he didn't want to be bothered constantly responding to the phone .....he saw it as a kind of intrusion.

Our children reflect what they see around them. I have always believed they are like sponges and what we as parents do and say is often far more important than many of us think. A parent can pay lots of lip service to what they claim is right from wrong but if their own behavior is far from exemplary, the kids absorb that. A parent who claims "Do as I say, not as I do" will raise a child that's confused possibly leading to a lot of unhappiness.

I don't think it is realistic to think that our children will be happy all of the time. Probably then we wouldn't enjoy the good times as much without having some adversity. However, I think as a mom, I want my children to be happy.....and that means following their OWN path and not some path that I want them to follow just because I say so. Accepting our children for who they are and not what we think we can make them or expect them to be, seems to work in my family. Good kids and they seem quite happy in their chosen professions and have strong friendships.....

^This!