topic Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice in Community Chat

Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Black Cat Back — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 03:25:27 GMT

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months after the sudden death of my parents and job issues, etc. At first she was very attentive and compassionate.

Lately, some of her actions are bothering me. First of all, my appt last time was at 2pm. She sat there for half the appt eating soup in front of me. She could have had her lunch earlier or scheduled clients so she didn't have to do lunch during their session. She will constantly interrupt me mid-sentence and ask me if I want a Tic Tac. It seems to happen every session.

Then, when I tell her how I feel and I need help getting through the grief and fear, her pat response is, "You'll deal with it." She never offers any guidance on how to deal with it. Heck, if I knew how to deal with it I wouldn't be paying for her services.

I just am so tired of the unprofessional behavior out there in the medical world. It seems she just sits there and is entertained by my issues. She never offers any guidance at all. However, she will always give me an example of something or someone in her own life and goes on and on about that, taking up my time.

She's the second one I went to. The first one was a PhD. She wore diamonds galore. She was always touching her diamond pendants, or rings or playing with her expensive bangles. If I were a therapist, I wouldn't flaunt my wealth in front of clients who have all sorts of issues, many fianancial. I stopped going to her, felt I was contributing to her jewelry collection with what she charged for visits.

I went online a couple weeks back and looked up what constitutes a bad therapist. The one shining item on the list was when they dismiss your feelings and say, "You'll deal with it." You would think therapists would know better. Not so!

Has anyone else had experiences like these? I am going to look around for someone new, but it's a pain having to repeat your issues and start the relationship all over again.

I don't think those caring and motivating therapists you see on TV exist in the real world. I think, from these experiences, they take advantage of people's vulnerability.

I'm discouraged because I really need someone to talk to.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Snowpuppy — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 03:53:07 GMT

I'd encourage you to find someone else. My only experience is seeking counseling when I was going thru divorce.

The first counselor I was referred to thru my insurance co. He was AWFUL. OMG. I felt completely hopeless when I left his office! That was 3 sessions. Never went back.

The 2nd one I tried was great! We picked issues to work on and a timetable to resolve. If anything came up between sessions we could certainly discuss but he kept me on track to make progress. I went for 6 mos, took a break and went back for 6 more mos.

Make a list of issues you want to resolve so you make progress and don't become a Professional Patient.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Black Cat Back — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 04:03:36 GMT

Thanks Snowpuppy.

Glad I'm not the only one.

I do make notes for each session, but this particular therapist is not helping. I leave her office feeling worse than before.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Retiredpsych — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 04:04:19 GMT

If the therapist was a clinical psychologist (PhD or PsyD), MFT or MD, they are licensed. Their licensing board has strict requirements for their behavior. I urge you to file a complaint with the appropriate licensing board. There is, of course, no accounting for just bad manners (eating during a session), but, if the therapist was resolving your problems with glib remarks like " You deal with it." that is unprofessional.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

I am still oxox — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 04:05:49 GMT

I can sympathize, I started seeing a therapist recently, in fact the week before my Mom passed away, and yet when I called her it too her two days to get back to me, and now she is on vacation and I will not see her for another two weeks.

I think its time to fine another one soon and dismiss the first one

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

YorkieonmyPillow — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 04:55:35 GMT

I don't think you need a therapist per se, you need someone with some empathy and common sense!

If you don't have anyone in your life you can turn to, I would check out the dailystrength.org website for bereavement groups.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

ROMARY — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 05:22:09 GMT

Lots of grief support groups just about everywhere. We receive (legitimate) events calendars and postcards from the various hospitals/medical groups/HMO's, etc. You don't even have to be a member. Also, community centers. Look in a real phone book in the community services section, usually a separate section. Most are free or minimum fees. I do think that you will be happier being among a group of folks in the same situation, discussing your experiences, feelings, etc. ........... Oh, I just thought of this: Often times the funeral homes have links to local grief support groups, usually no charge. You might want to Web search their various sites to find their individual links.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Black Cat Back — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 08:24:59 GMT

On 11/7/2014 catwhisperer said:
Sounds like the ""therapists"" need much more help than you do. You are probably stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Thanks for the good ideas everyone.

catwhisperer: I appreciate the support. I couldn't help but laugh at your comment about the therapists. Sometimes I sit there and just think the same thing about them.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

violann — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 16:56:03 GMT

I once went to a therapist when I was severely depressed (death of my dad) and he LEFT THE COUNTRY without notifying me or canceling my appointment. The shock of his mismanagement actually "fixed" me. I figured if he could scr*w up that badly, I was in better shape than I'd thought. Maybe that's your situation too, OP.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Black Cat Back — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 18:48:31 GMT

On 11/8/2014 violann said: I once went to a therapist when I was severely depressed (death of my dad) and he LEFT THE COUNTRY without notifying me or canceling my appointment. The shock of his mismanagement actually "fixed" me. I figured if he could scr*w up that badly, I was in better shape than I'd thought. Maybe that's your situation too, OP.

That is so true. This therapist of mine double booked appts once. Both me and the other patient were in the office waiting and she came out with this perplexed look on her face. I was so upset, I just told the other gal to take the appt. The therapist was so apologetic when she called me to reschedule.

I know what I need to do. I will remember your post and know that I'm in a lot better shape than her for sure.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

pistolino — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 19:18:17 GMT

Ugh, therapists. I've found that this field attracts people who themselves have issues. I have no idea why, but I've heard so many stories of weird and inappropriate or uncaring therapists - some people even going to them for a year or more and wondering why things aren't improving. They'd get the same amount of attention speaking to a cardboard cutout.

All I can say to OP is you have to go to a couple of appointments and keep changing until you find one who can help you.

Eating soup and giving pat answers to real issues is unacceptable and you might even want to complain to the licensing board about that particular one.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Hooty — Sat, 08 Nov 2014 20:04:52 GMT

I have been to therapists in the past, and never got anything really resolved, not a fan at all!

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

dooBdoo — Sun, 09 Nov 2014 07:57:49 GMT

I can understand the complexity of finding the right therapist. I've moved a lot and also had therapists in those years, so I've been through the process of finding a new counselor many times. One problem is the fact that therapy is so different from other medical visits. It requires a personal connection of a sort, and you're going to spend hours and hours there talking about complex issues as opposed to an occasional, relatively brief doctor's visit.

I'll place a disclaimer here, because my late husband was a psychiatrist and a couple of my best friends are psychologists. Nevertheless, I've encountered what I'd deem incredibly good therapists and disturbingly bad ones. You need someone who is a good listener, who clearly is concentrating on you and the conversation, and who also gives you direction now and then. I expect someone to make suggestions, even give me "homework" from time to time, because I've learned it takes dedicated work on my part to get any tangible benefits. My therapists have taught me things like bio-feedback, self-hypnosis, square breathing, recommended specific books and then talked with me about them while I read them, that sort of thing.

In the case of someone eating, etc., that would be a deal breaker for me -- I'd tell the person, refuse to pay for the session and likely never go back to them. This is your time, not theirs. In the case of scheduling, it's good to remember most don't do their own scheduling so the office staff might be the problem. Speak up, remember the therapist (and their staff) are working for you and you have a right to expect the best.

For me, it was beneficial to ask physicians I trusted and had good rapport with, to ask people at my church, and since I work in a network of hospitals I also ask some of the staff. This usually will generate a short list of therapists and the same names will be recommended multiple times.

But even then, you'll only know once you've had a few sessions with the person. For me, it's been greatly beneficial. However, it doesn't happen quickly and it also requires the patient to be willing to do a lot of hard work, to be active and not passive. I've learned so much about myself, and it has saved my life. Really has saved my life, no exaggeration. So please don't give up.

I wish you all the very best.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Black Cat Back — Sun, 09 Nov 2014 18:51:55 GMT

Thanks dooBdoo...

I appreciate your insights.

I am a very ardent participant in my therapy. I usually bring to my sessions quotes that have helped me, my own written feelings, songs that have given me strength (I even made a CD for this therapist of the songs that define my life). Instead of her going through the music to find out why that resonated with me, all she said was, "I didn't know so in so could sing?" She took the CD as entertainment for her, not as my homework to better have her understand me inside.

I make lists of what I'm feeling, etc. I do homework that is never asked of me. Yet, she never spends time on those things. I do those things to open conversation, to use them as tools in what I'm feeling and need to work on. Yet, she never discusses them. I swear, I feel like she's in practice just to sit and listen to people's stories for entertainment. I can call a help line for free to just vent, I don't need to pay her.

I think you are right that it's my time and if she wants to eat lunch, she needs to schedule that time in her day.

She does her own scheduling, no office staff, so it was her mix-up.

Anyway, I see the red flags and will not go back to her. I just am kicking myself for all the money I spent that was wasted (especially now being laid off of my job).

Thanks for your insight and advice.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

goodstuff — Sun, 09 Nov 2014 21:30:34 GMT

A therapist who uses your scheduled appointment time to eat lunch in front of you is rude, ridiculous, and unprofessional. I'd tell her how you feel. If she doesn't give a convincing response, fire her and find another therapist. There are many therapists and many types of therapy. Have you tried a licensed pastoral counselor? They can be very helpful with the kinds of issues you're dealing with, and often they work for associations that charge on a sliding scale.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

dooBdoo — Mon, 10 Nov 2014 01:01:36 GMT

On 11/9/2014 DARING GREATLY said:
Thanks dooBdoo...

I appreciate your insights.

I am a very ardent participant in my therapy. I usually bring to my sessions quotes that have helped me, my own written feelings, songs that have given me strength (I even made a CD for this therapist of the songs that define my life). Instead of her going through the music to find out why that resonated with me, all she said was, "I didn't know so in so could sing?" She took the CD as entertainment for her, not as my homework to better have her understand me inside.

I make lists of what I'm feeling, etc. I do homework that is never asked of me. Yet, she never spends time on those things. I do those things to open conversation, to use them as tools in what I'm feeling and need to work on. Yet, she never discusses them. I swear, I feel like she's in practice just to sit and listen to people's stories for entertainment. I can call a help line for free to just vent, I don't need to pay her.

I think you are right that it's my time and if she wants to eat lunch, she needs to schedule that time in her day.

She does her own scheduling, no office staff, so it was her mix-up.

Anyway, I see the red flags and will not go back to her. I just am kicking myself for all the money I spent that was wasted (especially now being laid off of my job).

Thanks for your insight and advice.

You're welcome, DG. Clearly, you're a motivated patient but you haven't found a motivated therapist. For certain, there are those in the profession who seem to have done the work to get their license and who then stop doing the work -- sad to say, I have encountered a few who do nothing but sit, listen, and then make the next appointment. Fortunately, there are good counselors, and even great ones, out there. Groups can be wonderful, too, but they're hard to find -- therapists are often wary of holding groups, because it's hard to get consistent attendance by all participants. Wish I had a magic answer, but I don't.

I send prayers and positive thoughts to you and to all who seek support.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

NYC Susan — Mon, 10 Nov 2014 08:05:55 GMT

I worked in the mental health field for a long time. All therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. have their own style. Most of them do not tell you what to do. The goal is to help you figure things out and to guide you in the right direction. Some patients want someone to be more hands-on & vocal, and other patients want someone just to listen.

Finding the right therapist can sometimes take a long time. Very few people find a mutually compatible relationship with a therapist right off the bat for the reasons I stated above. Therapists have different styles, and patients have different needs. It's almost like dating - Patients have to find the therapist that's right for them.

My best advice is that if - for whatever reason - you feel as though you're not being helped, then you should move on to someone else. Yes, caring therapists do exist in the real world. And you shouldn't settle for anything less. Good luck!

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

Black Cat Back — Mon, 10 Nov 2014 18:17:32 GMT

This particular therapist would also laugh about things. She would say, "You've been through a lot, that's for sure," and laugh. It was so annoying. Her laughter to me was like she took things so lightly, without empathy or thinking of how I was feeling.

I did work hard on my therapy. When I outright ask the therapist, "Please, how do I work through my fears. I don't know what to do anymore?" And her pat answer is, "You'll deal with it." That is not her style, that is her lack of knowledge and experience and expertise to work with a client and to guide the client in any direction.

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

game-on — Mon, 10 Nov 2014 21:34:19 GMT

daring.... did you ever think that part of the problem is that you might be trying to control the sessions?

I read what you said.... you deserve a good therapist.... there is NO doubt about that.... however, unless the therapist assigns homework or asks you do certain things.... you may be sabotaging your own sessions.... just a thought....

Re: Questionable Therapists - Need Advice

chrystaltree — Mon, 10 Nov 2014 23:50:11 GMT

What do you mean by "therapist"???? Is she a psychiatrist? Clinical psychologist? Clinical social worker? It matters. If you aren't happy with this person, find a new one. Whatever her qualifactions are or are not; if you do not have a good rapport with her; she can't help you. Move on..... And stop looking for "television" type of therapy experience. That's just fiction. Therapy is hard work and it's not pleasant because you have to face realities that you would rather not face. No therapist, in the real world, will just let you talk and complain and vent. That's what friends are for. Talk therapy with genuine therapist serves a purpose.