topic Re: How do I handle this? in Community Chat

How do I handle this?

pommom — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 04:40:46 GMT

My sis lost her husband in August. We've been inseparable since - what with life ins claims forms, SS admin stuff to take care of, closing his credit card account, ad nauseum. I helped her with claim forms and all the rest b/c she just couldn't focus and felt overwhelmed.

She attended grief counseling and is doing as well as can be expected.

In the midst of all of this trauma for the entire family, I met a very nice gentleman. We have seen each other a few times and really enjoy each other's company. The problem is that she's made it known she doesn't approve of him. I've asked her to pin point what exactly it is that she doesn't like about him and she can't. She's leery of him (???) and it's clear she doesn't like his joining us at family celebrations, dinner, or just to hang out.

She knows because I've told her that I make my own decisions about who I see and would appreciate my family's support. This guy is the real thing. Retired for a few months and because of his reputation as a craftsman, is booked until the end of the year. He loves what he does. He's a happy person and treats me with the utmost of respect.

I don't need her approval or permission to continue to see him, but it sure would be nice if she would give him a chance. Makes for awkward situations.

Any suggestions?

Re: How do I handle this?

adelle38 — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 04:43:47 GMT

It sounds like your sister is very much afraid of losing you. She's still grieving for her husband and counts on you for support. Try telling her you'll always be there for her no matter what happens with the man in your life. How does your gentleman feel about all this?

Re: How do I handle this?

Big Sister — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 06:45:51 GMT

I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

Re: How do I handle this?

Lindsays Grandma — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 06:58:35 GMT

On 10/30/2014 bigsister said:
I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

I agree with this but I will add one thing for pommom. Please do not allow your sister to make you feel guilty in anyway for seeing this man. I know she is hurting and she fears losing you but this is your life and your happiness. I am happy for you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Re: How do I handle this?

raven-blackbird — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 07:02:37 GMT

On 10/30/2014 Lindsays Grandma said:
On 10/30/2014 bigsister said:
I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

I agree with this but I will add one thing for pommom. Please do not allow your sister to make you feel guilty in anyway for seeing this man. I know she is hurting and she fears losing you but this is your life and your happiness. I am happy for you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

good advise from both.................go with it........................................raven

Re: How do I handle this?

qualitygal — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:54:09 GMT

Bear with her, allow her to get further along in her grief. She probably just has become dependent on you at this time to help her through it. I am sure it is overwhelming. In time, if you can bear it with her, she'll go back to mostly normal. This is the 100% on the stress factor scale, so she's mentally challenged getting through this. Hang in there, she's going through some rough seas right now, thank you for helping her out.

Re: How do I handle this?

YorkieonmyPillow — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:01:09 GMT

I would see them separately and I wouldn't talk about him to sister, or bring him to family events. A new man in the family probably makes her miss her DH that much more.

You shouldn't feel guilty. I just wouldn't mention him to sister at this present time. She is very raw and vulnerable emotionally.

I'm sure your new beau will understand.

Re: How do I handle this?

pommom — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:01:12 GMT

Thanks, ladies, for your gentle advise. Yes, I've pondered the fact that she's still working through this tremendous loss and I'm proud of how she's maintained her exercise program and allowed a little socializing with her life-long friends. it's good for her to get out.

At some point, I decided I had to go on with my life. My grown children have accepted him and told me that they see how he lights up my eyes and vice versa.

My fella hasn't said or shown signs of being snubbed. Perhaps, he, too, realizes how tough this has been for her and is allowing her room to breathe.

Perhaps over time… (((sigh)))

Re: How do I handle this?

Say Nay — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:12:58 GMT

On 10/31/2014 pommom said:
Thanks, ladies, for your gentle advise. Yes, I've pondered the fact that she's still working through this tremendous loss and I'm proud of how she's maintained her exercise program and allowed a little socializing with her life-long friends. it's good for her to get out.

At some point, I decided I had to go on with my life. My grown children have accepted him and told me that they see how he lights up my eyes and vice versa.

My fella hasn't said or shown signs of being snubbed. Perhaps, he, too, realizes how tough this has been for her and is allowing her room to breathe.

Perhaps over time… (((sigh)))

A good man is hard to find these days and he sounds like a keeper. You can listen to your sister and be empathetic but still put yourself first. Don't feel guilty.

Ah amour

Re: How do I handle this?

missy1 — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:26:34 GMT

Why would you bring a guy you have dated a few times, to family celebrations?

Re: How do I handle this?

KathyPet — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:32:48 GMT

Trying to get a fix on the time line here. Did your sister lose her husband this past August (2014) or a year ago (2013)? If it was this past August and you have only been seeing this person for a short time then maybe it is too soon to be involving him in family gatherings as your own relationship with him is so new. if you have been seeing him for several months then I agree that your sister is being unreasonable and probably needs more time to adjust.

Re: How do I handle this?

shesallthat — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:49:40 GMT

On 10/30/2014 Lindsays Grandma said:
On 10/30/2014 bigsister said:
I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

I agree with this but I will add one thing for pommom. Please do not allow your sister to make you feel guilty in anyway for seeing this man. I know she is hurting and she fears losing you but this is your life and your happiness. I am happy for you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

both of these!!! great posts!!

Re: How do I handle this?

JuJu Squeezie — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 13:51:57 GMT

Live your own life as you would let others live theirs. If you can do that even when she meets a man that gives you a bad feeling then it's all cool. She told you how she feels, your radar's on so you are well warned and now it's enough of that business. Good Luck

Re: How do I handle this?

occasionalrain — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 15:50:49 GMT

Some people are more intuitive than others. Maybe the man is all he seems to be and maybe your sister is right. Every day women are taken in by charming men who turn out to be a big mistake. Before you get more involved, doing a background check will satisfy your sister if nothing is amiss and warn you off if something is.

Re: How do I handle this?

MaggieToo — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 17:43:21 GMT

There is nothing much I can add to what has already been said except that it is your life.

The sooner your sister realizes you have a life too, she will be in a better place also. She will not rely on you so much, and start to handle her own situations.

Re: How do I handle this?

dooBdoo — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 21:26:08 GMT

On 10/31/2014 pommom said:
Thanks, ladies, for your gentle advise. Yes, I've pondered the fact that she's still working through this tremendous loss and I'm proud of how she's maintained her exercise program and allowed a little socializing with her life-long friends. it's good for her to get out.

At some point, I decided I had to go on with my life. My grown children have accepted him and told me that they see how he lights up my eyes and vice versa.

My fella hasn't said or shown signs of being snubbed. Perhaps, he, too, realizes how tough this has been for her and is allowing her room to breathe.

Perhaps over time… (((sigh)))

pommom, I commend you for your sensitivity to your sister, and your love and compassion are obvious. And your fella sounds equally understanding, kind, empathetic. Learning to live without our beloved partner is a long, complicated, painful journey. To all the other wisdom on this thread, I would add one more idea: Since she's in counseling and since you've talked with her about this concern, there's always the option of the two of you meeting with the counselor to talk about it. Oftentimes, talking it out in the presence of an objective, trained therapist can be the key to resolution.

I wish you and your loved ones the very best.

Re: How do I handle this?

chrystaltree — Fri, 31 Oct 2014 21:55:33 GMT

Well, since you've only known him for a couple of months, you might consider seeing him on your own time and gradually as the relationship progresses, bring him into the family. I think there are two things going on here, both predictable and understandable. They dynamics have changed. Your sister was the one with the guy and your were single but suddenly the situation has reversed itself and you have a man and she's singe and she finds it unsettling. Also you aren't giving her 100% of your attention. And while you are "into" this new relationship and hoping it will grow into something nice. He's just a stranger to your sister and to your other family members. He isn't family and you haven't known him for very long at all, you can't even vouch for the type of person he is because you haven't known him long enough. Just focus on spending time with the new guy in your life, let the relationship grow naturally. You sister has recently lost her husband and she probably isn't ready to hear all the details about your romance. You say you've been inseparable; she probably relies on you more than you are aware. You think it's been about paper work and applications; I think she's come to depend on YOU being there for her emotionally. You probably need to pull back a bit but you should do it in stages and don't use your guy as an excuse for not spending time with her or for not doing something for her.

Re: How do I handle this?

pistolino — Sat, 01 Nov 2014 04:50:59 GMT

While you are an adult and can see who you like, you say you've met this man between August and now, which is a short time. It's a little soon to start inviting him to "celebrations" that include extended family, don't you think?

While I don't think you need to get permission from anyone to see him, I do think you need to keep your eyes open---when there is someone close to you who dislikes someone you're seeing it usually doesn't just come out of nowhere. Even if she can't articulate what the problem is, I would certainly take note of it and take a closer look at this man to see if anything seems "off".

Re: How do I handle this?

Lindsays Grandma — Sat, 01 Nov 2014 05:38:24 GMT

On 10/31/2014 MaggieToo said:
There is nothing much I can add to what has already been said except that it is your life.

The sooner your sister realizes you have a life too, she will be in a better place also. She will not rely on you so much, and start to handle her own situations.

Good advice!!

Re: How do I handle this?

pommom — Sat, 01 Nov 2014 14:00:55 GMT

On 10/31/2014 chrystaltree said:
Well, since you've only known him for a couple of months, you might consider seeing him on your own time and gradually as the relationship progresses, bring him into the family. I think there are two things going on here, both predictable and understandable. They dynamics have changed. Your sister was the one with the guy and your were single but suddenly the situation has reversed itself and you have a man and she's singe and she finds it unsettling. Also you aren't giving her 100% of your attention. And while you are "into" this new relationship and hoping it will grow into something nice. He's just a stranger to your sister and to your other family members. He isn't family and you haven't known him for very long at all, you can't even vouch for the type of person he is because you haven't known him long enough. Just focus on spending time with the new guy in your life, let the relationship grow naturally. You sister has recently lost her husband and she probably isn't ready to hear all the details about your romance. You say you've been inseparable; she probably relies on you more than you are aware. You think it's been about paper work and applications; I think she's come to depend on YOU being there for her emotionally. You probably need to pull back a bit but you should do it in stages and don't use your guy as an excuse for not spending time with her or for not doing something for her.

Chrystaltree: I truly appreciate your insightful reply.

I do see him quite a bit on my own time and having picked up on her resistance, I've backed off bringing him up at all. If she and I have something planned, I won't cancel for anyone or anything. Otherwise, my time is open.

What baffles me about this whole situation is that she gets together with her friends at least 4-5x a week. She & her hubby were very active socially and had a large circle of friends who came to her with support, love, and generosity. They have continued to include her in varied activities - travel, day trips, movies, dinner, cookouts, tailgating, etc.

Yesterday, she went to a casino with a friend all day and won $75 . She called me on her way back to town. Tonight she's going to dinner with a couple who were very close to her. Next Sunday she's hosting a bridal shower. Wednesday nights are devoted to line dancing. Last Sunday she had dinner with some girlfriends.

It does my heart good to see her stay in touch with her cronies and out and about. She gets her manicure/pedicure on a regular basis. We went to an arboretum last week. My, she's a busy gal!

So with all this activity, it's not like I'm the only one with a social life. There have been times I've asked her to accompany me somewhere and she'd already made plans. No biggie.

I will remain patient - continue to live my life - and continue to stay in touch with her.