topic Re: Absentee Gifts in Community Chat

Absentee Gifts

qvcaddition — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 17:35:46 GMT

I do not want to be slammed because I already feel very sad. I have three Great Grand kids, who are darling, that live within 2 miles of me. Two live with my son and daughter in law, and one is practically at my daughter's house all week while parents are working.

I have been over each house, and have brought gifts for no reason, no holiday, just becasuse, for these children. My son was bringing one of the children over on a Sunday and I would have goodies for her and always sent her home with some little gift.

I have not seen her in months since the football game started on Sunday's, OK, men love football. She and her brother have to stay with their mother twice a month for a week. Her father is my Grandson and he never calls or brings her or her brother over and I don't know where he lives in town and would not drop in uninvited.

My question, the children are not to blame for the parents lack of good manners or whatever, but I have ordered the Frozen Dolls and necklaces and the race cars with the color tracks for the kids for Christmas, and wonder why? I never see them or hear from the parents my grandkids. who by the way are in their 30's. I did hear from two grandsons at different times last year that needed money. I gave to both, over a 1000 dollars and do not regret anything I gave them or families in life.

I am now 78 years and would like to see some of them once in awhile. I am a young 78, go a lot of places and have more energy than my kids. Course they work.

The little ones do not know me and will never know me. If they were older, they might remember me, but not at the ages of 2, 5 and 6. At Christmas last year, no one said, this is your Great Gram. It's not the money, I have given plenty, just the idea, no one really cares in the family if I am alive or dead. I'm just there. Why bother. I am not going to the one time I am invited to my Daughter's at Christmas this year. I do not need to be the center of attention, just acknowledged when I'm there, not stuck in a chair while they all talk around me. I have come to terms with it, still hurts, but don't feel like buying or giving anymore.

I know some will take this all apart and make me feel worse, but I am taking a chance to get an honest opinion from some of you that are not mean. Thanks

Re: Absentee Gifts

Marienkaefer2 — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 17:47:11 GMT

Wow, I am sorry for the situation. When I was growing up, I was lucky enough to know my great grandparents. We always showed respect for the elders in our family. They come in, you gave them a hug and kiss, talked to them. They were center of our family life. The part of your story that hit me the most was when you said that no one tells the kids "this is your great gram." How sad, when they are so lucky to have you there. Not everyone knows their grandparents, let alone great grandparents. I think.today so much has changed. Kids are not taught to honor and value their families in the same way. (Some still do I know. Many don't.) Have you talked about this with your kids? As the grandparents, how do they feel?

Re: Absentee Gifts

sciencegeek_1 — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 17:47:42 GMT

Hmm, this is a tough one. We're used to hearing we need to buy gifts for our loved ones. But these days, family is scattered around and we don't always get to know people, even though they are blood related.

At their young ages, if they don't know you, I'd probably stop with the gifts. For me, it comes down to whether they appreciate them, and my litmus test is this: do they thank you for the gifts, either when you drop them off or in a note later? Many people may say this is old fashioned, but if they don't, how do they know where the gifts came from?

Listen to your heart, ultimately it needs to be a decision you are ok with. Whatever you decide about gifts does not mean your love is limited.

Re: Absentee Gifts

banjo — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 17:56:51 GMT

I don't have any advise for you, but I am sorry that your Grandson is letting you down like this. I think someday these children will be sorry they didn't get to know you.

Re: Absentee Gifts

qvcaddition — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:02:05 GMT

I have spoke with my son about why his son, my grandson, didn't call or bring the kids over. He said, his son can't connect with me. I said, he could connect when he called last year and asked for money. He the grandson has asked for many things, and I always gave.

You are right. My grandmother raised me during the depression and until I left home at 18. She gave me love, food and clothes, no gifts, we were poor, but in those days, you respected the elderly, and thank god for her. The manners are not there today, but it still surprises me, that I have always been there for family and loved those grandkids, took them everywhere, Disney land, don't know how many times. Put one in modeling school, paid for pictures, and clothers. Don't regret it and loved all the time I spent with them.

The grandson that said he can't connect with me. Well, I gave him my 46" TV when I got a new one, and I officiated at his wedding, which saved him a bundle, also gave the rehearsal dinner. How can you ignorer a person that has done all this and say you cannot connect.

The other one, got his apartment at the time paid for two months, cleaned, got sick on that one, and cooked food so he would have meals when he came home after a long day of work in the city. Now, I never hear from him.

I can't go back, just can't understand. You can tell I am crying because I can't understand. I will one day when I see them, take them aside and ask them, why, what did I ever do to them, but love them and still do. I would fight for them today if they needed me too, but no more gifts or money. You know how it feels to be used. Their parents are hopeless and also abused by them. They would not see the grandkids if they didn't conform to what they want. I've been there, done that. Oh well, I think, I will do what they want, become invisible and bow out. No Christmas and no gifts until I can talk to the Grandkids and get their take on why they are not respectful or what they have against me.

Re: Absentee Gifts

deepwaterdotter — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:03:15 GMT

I give you credit for sizing up the situation and doing what's best for you. When your great-grandchildren are older, they can come and see you on their own. You will enjoy your time creating a special relationship with them away from their parents

Re: Absentee Gifts

Elstongunn — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:04:05 GMT

My opinion is that I think you already know what to do and you've stated it in your post.

This happens to so many grandparents, great-grandparents, and even happens to parents, and it becomes so painfully obvious around the holidays. My feeling is this: don't suffer or hold your pain in in silence. I think you should send your post (altered a bit for those receiving it) to your kids/grandkids stating your feelings. There is nothing wrong with letting them know how you feel, and it MIGHT be a wake-up call to them that family and relationships should NOT be one-sided and what they are doing is ill-mannered, selfish, and hurtful. Do they treat their friends this way? Would THEY want to be treated this way when they get older?

If there is nothing else going on in the family dynamics (reasons why they would treat you so badly), then they are either very selfish or clueless. Maybe it will shake them out of their self-absorption and they will at the very least teach their children that manners matter, and that acknowledgement after receiving a gift is the very least they should do.

Re: Absentee Gifts

Jannabelle — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:08:36 GMT

I agree with Marienkaefer, you really need to speak up and let people know how you are feeling.....also you are a better woman than most to give money to grandsons, that apparently they only see you when they are in need? That is how I read it....take care, and if you want stop buying all those gifts, send them a sweet card...... and do something extra nice for you.

Re: Absentee Gifts

kdgn — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:14:51 GMT

My son only met his great grandmother twice but during those two times he spent a lot of time with her. She was not invisible, she was the center of attention and the reason for the reunions on her birthday. Family reunions of close to 100 people each and every year. We were only able to attend two of them because of the distance. However, my FIL attended each and every birthday celebration for his mother.

The second reunion had over 300 family members for her 100th birthday. Those kids, grandkids and great grandkids that lived locally visited with her all the time. They KNEW her and she knew them.

Yeah, time for bank of great grandma to close. And if you feel invisible at "family" parties then you might as well stay home and enjoy your own company.

Re: Absentee Gifts

glb613 — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:15:21 GMT

I don't know why people think they must buy gifts for everyone all of the time. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, they were poor and hardly ever bought us a present. I didn't want to spend time with them for the gifts, I wanted to spend time because I loved them.

I have a friend who has spent a fortune on her granddaughter and never gets a thank you. It hurts her yet she still buys gifts every time she sees her.

Too many people have been "brained washed" when it comes to gift giving. I know I wouldn't buy a lot of gifts for children I never see.

Re: Absentee Gifts

Pickwickpapers — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:27:32 GMT

Unfortunately we have several folks in our family who behave in the same manner. They are so self absorbed in "me, me, me" that no one else is on the radar. I don't think that it ever crosses their mind that family is important and that as "adults" they should have a part in caring for both the generation before that nurtured them and the generation after that they brought into this world........just basic common decency.

And regarding caring I mean the basic courtesy of calling/visiting those who helped you get to where you are today. Football games can be taped, watched at your house, you could be invited over and picked up for a family football afternoon or it wouldn't kill him to not watch either. I would stop buying gifts, send them a card for the holidays and go on with your life..................you can't make anyone care and trying and being treated poorly just makes you feel bad........

Re: Absentee Gifts

chrystaltree — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 19:09:59 GMT

I certainly do feel for you, your situation sounds heartbreaking. Since money isn't a factor, I think only you can decide if you continue or cease giving presents to children you never see and have no relationship with. My own parents had a similar experiece with my bother's three children. He was divorced, his wife was living with another man. She was furious because my bother (who is disabled) was not paying child support. He had monthly court ordered visits that she had to comply with. She took her anger out on my parents because she thought they should pay at least part of the child support payments for him. She wouldn't let my parents see or speak to the 3 children. But every Christmas, my mom bought clothing and toys for the kids and every Christmas Eve, I would drive my mom over to their home. My ex sil would come down, take the gifts, thank my Mom for the gifts, wish her a happy holiday but never let my mother come inside or see the kids. Not even for a few minutes. This went on for 3 or 4 years until my mom decided on her own to stop. You'll know when it's time to stop.

Re: Absentee Gifts

Lindsays Grandma — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 22:19:46 GMT

I remember once when my mother and father told me they would stop sending money and gifts to my now deceased daughter because she never calls or sends a thank you note. I also remember that I called my daughter and reminded her that I taught her better than that and she needs to acknowledge her grandparents when they send her gifts.

qvcaddition, I am so sorry your family treats you the way you do. I know it must hurt and I think you need to have a talk with them to make them know how you feel. I agree you should stop giving money and gifts. As for the grandson who knows how to connect with you when he wants money, you need to give him a rude awakening the next time he contacts with you for a handout by saying sorry, not this time.

Yes, I think it is time for a heart to heart with the family members and if they don't change the error of their ways, you have no choice but to take care of yourself first and foremost. I wish you the best and always remember that you are number one. ((((hugs))))

kdgn said it right..."It is time for bank of great-grandma to close."

Re: Absentee Gifts

Big Sister — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 22:54:25 GMT

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with being invisible to your family. If I were treated like you are, I would not go to their homes and I WOULD NOT give them gifts or money.

I am a believer in NOT GIVING GIFTS just because. Your "family" does not appreciate them. Your grandson only calls when he needs money. He should be ashamed, but he's not.

I would rather stay home than be treated badly.

If they ask why you aren't going to an event, tell them the truth. You have nothing to lose and just maybe they will "wake up." NOT!

Re: Absentee Gifts

occasionalrain — Mon, 13 Oct 2014 23:23:26 GMT

I surely wouldn't want someone visiting me out of a sense of obligation. I would't whine to them about being forgotten or left out and I wouldn't be buying gifts for people who cared nothng for me. Spend your time and money having fun with people you like and like you in return.

Re: Absentee Gifts

qvcaddition — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 00:05:14 GMT

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. I just canceled around 200dollars of advance toy the Frozen series dolls and necklace and track set. I will spend the money on a bus trip in Jan. I spoke to my son through e mail telling him what I was going to do, he is too busy to talk by phone, he agreed with me about the toys.

For a few years I spent Christmas either with a friend who has no family or by myself because of the treatment. Last year I decided to go to my Daughters again because I was told I am the one that left the family. It was the same thing again. I do not need constant attention, I am very active with all my volunteering and gym and dog, going to plays and bus trips and friends. Except for my dog, non of the rest can take the place of family, but it is not to be for me. I do count my blessings that I can take care of myself and am in good heath and that is very important.

So I will enjoy the time with those who I have fun with, my loving fur friend and forget the rest. Thanks again. In fact, I just got off the phone with a friend of 54 years and she was so happy I decided to cancel the toys. She said, I am so happy, you have done more than anyone I know for your family and it is their lost, but they are too ignorant to see it now, but they will in time. She has known me since my 53 year old was born, who does help me when I need it. He has no children. Thanks again, life goes on. In fact, I went to the beach today with my dog and we had fun.

Re: Absentee Gifts

Jannabelle — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 00:16:46 GMT

Good for you,Qvcaddition...enjoy your life to the fullest, we cannot make others appreciate us, but we can appreciate our own life and live a wonderful, fun filled life.

Re: Absentee Gifts

occasionalrain — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 00:18:43 GMT

Family is important to you but apparently isn't to them. You can't change that so you'll just have to make the best of it and stop hoping for something that won't happen and just causes you disappointment.

Have fun on your trip.

Re: Absentee Gifts

BellaPaprika — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 00:32:56 GMT

Qvcaddition, I feel so badly for you and I understand your feelings. It's not about the money or all you've done for them. It's that even after all that, you're not really a part of their lives. They've shut you out and you don't know why. I would say it is definitely their loss. You sound like a caring grandmother and great grandmother who any family would be happy to have.

I did have one great grandparent live long enough for me to know him and I treasure those memories. I don't know if it's because of all the technology and social media today or what but so many are self absorbed. It's a wonder they take the time or effort to marry and have kids! If you keep giving and they keep taking, it's a one way relationship that will only make you feel even sadder. You're right to stop the giving, not out of spite but because it's time for them to realize you have feelings too.

Re: Absentee Gifts

Irshgrl31201 — Tue, 14 Oct 2014 00:46:50 GMT

On 10/13/2014 qvcaddition said:
Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. I just canceled around 200dollars of advance toy the Frozen series dolls and necklace and track set. I will spend the money on a bus trip in Jan. I spoke to my son through e mail telling him what I was going to do, he is too busy to talk by phone, he agreed with me about the toys.

For a few years I spent Christmas either with a friend who has no family or by myself because of the treatment. Last year I decided to go to my Daughters again because I was told I am the one that left the family. It was the same thing again. I do not need constant attention, I am very active with all my volunteering and gym and dog, going to plays and bus trips and friends. Except for my dog, non of the rest can take the place of family, but it is not to be for me. I do count my blessings that I can take care of myself and am in good heath and that is very important.

So I will enjoy the time with those who I have fun with, my loving fur friend and forget the rest. Thanks again. In fact, I just got off the phone with a friend of 54 years and she was so happy I decided to cancel the toys. She said, I am so happy, you have done more than anyone I know for your family and it is their lost, but they are too ignorant to see it now, but they will in time. She has known me since my 53 year old was born, who does help me when I need it. He has no children. Thanks again, life goes on. In fact, I went to the beach today with my dog and we had fun.

Your son is too busy to talk by phone? I worked 70 hrs a week as a single mom and I could find the time to talk with my mother. I also don't understand your son saying that his son just couldn't connect with you. What does that even mean? He obviously felt enough of a connection to you to get money from you. What did your son say when you told him he felt connected enough to ask for money. I know it isn't always the case but I do believe children (and grown children) not being gracious about gifts/money is the direct result of parenting and when you tell me your son doesn't have time to talk to you over this it makes me think it even more.

Not only would I not buy them gifts anymore, I would let them know exactly why.

My daughter is 25 and I still make sure she follows up with a note and a phone call after receiving something. I know I probably shouldn't because she is grown but that type of thing is very important to me. Someone took the time to spend time and money picking something out for her and I would just not sit by if she didn't respond. She had a baby in July and my great aunt, aunts, cousins and other family members have been sending stuff for the baby. In addition to hand written thank you notes and telephone calls, she takes a picture of the baby with the gift and puts that picture on the senders Facebook page, saying thank you aunt so and so, as you can see I look pretty adorable in my new jammies that you sent me. That way they can see the baby with the gift. IMO, that is the least someone can do. It only takes a few minutes to write a thank you note or make a phone call to say thank you for thinking about me enough to send me something and to tell them how much it means.

We are definitely a country of shrinking manners and it is the parents responsibility to teach their children what the proper thing to do is.

I am very sorry you are going through this. The older members of our family are revered and loved very much. Their experiences with life are very much appreciated and I am so sorry you aren't getting the same treatment. Hugs to you!