topic Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice! in Community Chat

A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

homedecor1 — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 06:04:27 GMT

For the past few years I've been traveling with older (my own room) friends on beautiful all-expense paid cruises - every January normally for 3 weeks. These accommodations are always "penthouse or suites" on the cruise & treated like royalty in every sense of the word -- right down to my very own "concierge" and "personal steward".

I honestly enjoy it YET I'm not looking forward to the upcoming one in January. PLEASE don't get me wrong ~ I'm very grateful as I certainly couldn't afford this type of vacation every year and the people I travel with are extremely nice (older). BUT I don't ASK to go, they like my company & they want me to come (they book it, pay for it in full then tell me guess what we booked a cruise, etc. and then I feel obligated ... I wanted to cancel my reservation on the January one and they were so upset!

first 3 times it was awesome, the last time was a little long for me.

I just returned from a wonderful visit with my family for the month of August and guess what-- Friends came over tonight to tell me they had a surprise "They booked a cruise for Thanksgiving week into December (3 weeks)!!! OMG I really don't want to do this. (And I feel bad I'm leaving my spouse as this is his fav holiday and I always have a large group over-this year my brother (who lives across the State and his family were going to join us for the 1st time) & my cousin who lost her son tragedicaly and her family were considering coming too~

Planned on going home the 1st 2 weeks of December to celebrate the holiday. I've finally gotten used to the change in lifestyle and move -- I had a lot of issues early on in this journey BUT over the past year I've done lots of sole searching, therapy and realized change is good, I have to make my own journey including not missing my kids (grownup & granddaughter as they have their own lives to lead), met new friends in my age group (57), lost 56 lbs. when I dumped the stress!!, joined a book club and more ... kinda impressed with myself. The journey is on-going....at a good speed and I'm much happier!

Now my dilemma is I told them thank-you but I would like to stay home for the holidays and already had plans. They are so excited we were able to get on this cruise. I don't think they can cancel now at this late date (me) as they got some awesome deal and cancellation had to be done by 8/24 -- and they would lose their insurance premium $$ which I know for a fact is expensive.They didn't seem to care and I know they paid upfront ... I'm so stressed .... I can barely take the thought of going 3 weeks in January, 2015.

AGAIN...I'M NOT UNGRATEFUL AND I'M BLESSED TO HAVE BOTH OF THEM IN MY LIFE...Just think they overstepped on this matter (a second cruise).

What should I do? I know I can do Tgiving 2 weeks prior on a Sunday to appease the situation but not really wanting to go?

Suggestions to let them understand this is not my priority or a nice way to say "thank-you but no thank-you" that they will understand without hurting their feelings or being ungrateful....

Thank you in advance you posters are usually great on "sticky" situations!

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Colonel Meow — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 06:14:22 GMT

It sounds like you already gave them a succinct and perfectly reasonable response. To quote you, "I told them thank you but I would like to stay home for the holidays and already had plans". Really, what more explanation is required?

IMO - it was a little rude and presumptuous of them to hijack your holiday without even asking if you had plans. 2 weeks is a substantial time commitment during the holiday season.

ETA: whoops, just saw that this cruise will be 3 weeks - an even more intrusive use of your holiday time.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

ivey — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 08:06:02 GMT

I'm speechless. This nice older couple booked a 3-week cruise at holiday time without consulting you. What about YOUR family--husband, brother, cousin, etc? Don't they realize that you have other people in your life? I have to say that the free trips, although wonderful, have a bit of "controlling" issue to them. You should be consulted fully and asked regarding your plans beforehand.

They definitely overstepped. Maybe the loss of downpayments, cruise insurance, etc. will cause them to change their ways in the future. If you've done well in soul searching and therapy, you can probably do well with stopping this manipulation for whatever reason.

Good luck.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Colonel Meow — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 08:28:20 GMT

I agree with ivey about a (possible) control/manipulation aspect to this couple's largesse. I didn't mention it in my first post because I didn't know if I was reading too much into the situation.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

jackthebear — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 12:19:43 GMT

You know the expression, no such thing as a "free lunch"?

I think you have to tell them "thank you very much for including me, but this year I am going to spend Thkgving/christmas with my family". Be prepared for the guilt trip. They should have asked you before booking the trip, their fault.

OP you said you are in therapy, have your therapist or trusted friend help you prepare for this.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Chalcedony — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 13:23:29 GMT

They clearly overstepped in this case. It is completely appropriate and it ungrateful to let them know that you already have holiday plans with your family and won't be able to go. Hopefully it will be a reminder to them to ask you beforehand in the future.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

homedecor1 — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 13:54:09 GMT

thank you for replies (and not thinking I'm rude or ungrateful!) after talking to my family & my decision I will see them tonite and tell them although they don't participate in family holidays I enjoy the holidays with having friends & family. (all their children are extremely well off and travel to islands/Europe etc. with their families during holidays-fyi to my knowledge they never even invite them NOR do they do holidays traditionally-guess its lifestyle of rich!!!) I am declining their invitation. They r at my house EVERY night so I'm sure I'll see them-that too drives me insane. they haven't missed a nite in over a year come at 6 stay till 8!!! that was not my doing my husband told them stop anytime - well they do every nite!!! (working on trying to tell them nicely it needs to stop-hubby told him but they just laughed!) ugh!!!

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

haddon9 — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 14:05:20 GMT

Let me understand this...they booked a three week trip Nov./Dec. and then again in January? That's a lot of togetherness for even really great friends!

For the holiday period I agree that they overstepped their boundaries in this case! While it's nice to have them pay for such a lovely trip and love having you along, I can't understand why they wouldn't ask you first if the timing was good for you? Yet you did mention that they didn't seem to care when you told them that you had plans with family for the holidays. So maybe they are just disappointed that you can't come but the money just isn't an issue with them. If you have to bring it up again, just let them know that Thanksgiving is important for you to spend with your family. I think they will understand that.

I understand how you feel though. I would feel bad about turning them down too knowing that they probably couldn't get their deposit back but they should have asked you first. You have done nothing wrong. I'm assuming that you'll cruise with them in January? Maybe then you should emphasize that while the trip is lovely you don't like being away from home and husband for such a long time. Personally while I would love to have an annual girls vacation, three weeks is a bit long for me! Maybe next time a week would be better.

Just curious...are these cruises to different locations each time?....BTW, congratulations on making some major life changes and your weight loss! I know how hard that is!

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Lilysmom — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 16:58:33 GMT

Homedecor, my advice is that you should deal with the entire situation and not just this one cruise or you will find yourself in a similar situation in the near future. Whatever response you give them on declining this invitation should be gracious, thanking them for thinking of you but letting them know they should not be planning future trips without your knowledge and consent (or not). They may be hurt for awhile but it sounds like a little distance might be a good thing. Do it right one time so you aren't faced with repeats of the same situation. Good luck to you! LM

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Marienkaefer2 — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 17:06:56 GMT

It seems odd to me that they seem to totally disregard your husband and other family in this. Why do they feel possessive of you?

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

chrystaltree — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 17:10:33 GMT

Well, they booked the cruise without consulting with you; they assumed there would be no problem because there never has been a problem. I've known well off people who take a companion on trips, you were a paid companion so that the wife would have a friend to do things with. The trip was your payment. Change is a part of life. Sit down and talk with your friends and explain your situation. Explain in a kind and loving way that you cannot go on this particular cruise, you have plans. Whether or not they can get a refund is not your concern. It's a risk they took when they booked the trip. You have allowed them to treat you like a servant who is at their beck and call. This will come as a surprise to them. The discussion will be difficult. Hopefully, they will understand and your relationship will not suffer. Other than laying down like a doormat and allowing then to walk over you, that's about all you can do.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

qualitygal — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 17:32:32 GMT

People on bowling leagues have to find replacements to sub when they have to miss a game, can you do that for them with someone else they might like? Worth a shot.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

focksie — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 19:35:58 GMT

On 8/31/2014 Marienkaefer2 said: It seems odd to me that they seem to totally disregard your husband and other family in this. Why do they feel possessive of you?

I agree. I find this entire situation unusual to say the least. Friends booking you a trip without even asking you? At some point in your life, you have to learn to say no and stop feeling guilty. I'd explain that you want to be with family at this time. That's it. It shouldn't require any further explanation. I'd also mention that you're not as available or free to come and go as you used to be, and to please ask you first in the future before they make plans for you. I'm sure you know how to say all this nicely.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

dobiesrule — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 20:52:55 GMT

I think I must be missing something here. Why did you go on the first trip without your DH? When plans were being made for the first trip, were you included in the time of travel or was it just presented to you. Do they come to your house every single night?

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

ivanatrump — Sun, 31 Aug 2014 21:30:00 GMT

I would not leave my spouse and family home alone for 3 weeks over the holidays particularly if I really did not want to go.

It was presumptuous of your friends to book not 1 but 2 cruises without consulting you. If they are offended, so be it. Your family is more important.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

homedecor1 — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 00:39:17 GMT

On 8/31/2014 dobiesrule said: I think I must be missing something here. Why did you go on the first trip without your DH? When plans were being made for the first trip, were you included in the time of travel or was it just presented to you. Do they come to your house every single night?

the first trip was gifted to me and hubby alone. my spouse does not do boats big or small - fear of being surrounded w water and nowhere to go if it sinks (guess he watched Titanic too many times his problem not mine) he doesn't enjoy traveling anyway - so I took my dear friend of 40 yrs

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

Big Sister — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 00:39:59 GMT

Frankly, I can't believe they booked this cruise without consulting you first.

Of course, I would not go.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

homedecor1 — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 02:59:45 GMT

I posted on another thread all worked out - the cruise is scheduled for November, 2015 and I have declined! thank you everyone & enjoy your holiday weekend

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

mousiegirl — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 17:17:11 GMT

On 8/31/2014 homedecor1 said: thank you for replies (and not thinking I'm rude or ungrateful!) after talking to my family & my decision I will see them tonite and tell them although they don't participate in family holidays I enjoy the holidays with having friends & family. (all their children are extremely well off and travel to islands/Europe etc. with their families during holidays-fyi to my knowledge they never even invite them NOR do they do holidays traditionally-guess its lifestyle of rich!!!) I am declining their invitation. They r at my house EVERY night so I'm sure I'll see them-that too drives me insane. they haven't missed a nite in over a year come at 6 stay till 8!!! that was not my doing my husband told them stop anytime - well they do every nite!!! (working on trying to tell them nicely it needs to stop-hubby told him but they just laughed!) ugh!!!

That would be the end of the relationship for me. They are way out of line going to your home every night, I could never stand for that.

Re: A Pleasant Surprise - - Perplexed! Need Advice!

BellaPaprika — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 18:16:20 GMT

They book you on trips without asking you first and they've stopped by your house every night for the past year?! These people sound as if they're obsessed with you and, honestly, I would be scared to death of them.