topic Re: family in Community Chat

family

1966 — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 21:31:40 GMT

I don't post very often but read, I need opinions about my daughter. She's 44, remarried, we have 11 granddaughter who is everything to my husband and me. She has always wanted to visit us spend the night just have a good time and always Syd how much she loves us. After school 3 or 4 times a week she would call me and give me the latest news usually on boys and always want us to be near her.

My daughter has always been carrying and good. He's a lawyer. When she told us she was getting a divorce 3 years ago we were very surprise. First husband they were together for 15 years but had been together since high school. He has a wonderful job, good father, always gave our daughter every thing. But she decided she wanted a man who would hold hands, dance, drink some and party. So divorce, he gave her EVERYTHING,.

Two months after divorce she had a man move in, he had nothing but clothes on his back. He drinks, every other word is Mother F. . Told daughter why goes he use that language around our grand daughter. His two children 21 and 23 have nothing to do with him. Our daughter has used 200,000 on him for cars, football games, you name it. Been told not our business and I omit I voice my opinion since my daughter is trying to get Syd turn against her father now, who is a wonderful father in every way. He's going with a very nice lady and we wish him well which our daughter doesn't think we should even say hi to him if we see him. I think she's jelous of the other lady

Sorry for errors I'm just sick. We don't know if we should tell her ex what is happening.

SAD a month ago daughter said we can not speak to our grand daughter or see her any more. I'm sick, has any one else had this happen?

Re: family

Mom2Dogs — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 22:23:56 GMT

You ex son in law is a lawyer, he should know his legal rights concerning his daughter, and if your daughter is not allowing you to see your grand daughter possibly you could get grandparent visitation rights, if that is allowed. Sorry about what is happening sounds like your daughter has some issues she needs to work thru.........good luck, we also have a divorced daughter and we rarely see our granddaughter......

Re: family

JamicaJammer — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 22:34:21 GMT

I'd contact your former son-in-law, and make sure he knows YOUR VERSION. He may/may not. And honestly, it is just that ..... your PERCEPTION of the situation.

I'm so sorry for this mess....hopefully the dad will get your gd and allow you to see her again.

Re: family

Gayle2 — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 22:41:06 GMT

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I am sorry you are hurting. The older I get, the more I realize how complex family uses can become. There is a website called grandparents.com this site has a wealth of information on various matters that a grandparent may face.

Re: family

curlywhitedog — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 22:52:30 GMT

I'm so sorry for all you're going through 1966, for sure it's not an easy thing to deal with but I'm not sure there's much you can do to change things. The saddest thing of all is that your daughter won't let you speak to your granddaughter but that does make me wonder if she might be under the control of the man she's seeing now. Other than the fact that you don't like him, is he controlling and does he have your daughter under his thumb?

I'm not sure what her x-husband can do about this except perhaps as it pertains to his children but as a grandmother you have rights, rights you should enforce if you continue to be denied visitation. I'm not sure talking to your ex SIL will help, I doubt he can do anything to over ride your daughter's wishes.

I hope things get better...

Maria

Re: family

Kachina624 — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 22:59:27 GMT

I'm very sad that you have not been able to contact your granddaughter, but if I were you I'd mind my own business and stay out of the unpleasantness. Meddling will bring you nothing but more unhappiness. In the end it'll just make the situation worse. Most kids your GD's age have cell phones, does she? Perhaps buying her one would help re-establish contact.

Re: family

1966 — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 01:16:10 GMT

Thank you for your comments. Daughter is married to this second man for 2 years now. The ex husband would let us come to his house to see Syd. but my husband is worried Syd would get in trouble for visiting us. We don't want her to get in trouble, she told me a while back that our daughter ask her to say what we all had talked about and believe we never have said noting in from of Syd about new husband.

I just have a hard time trying to think what happen in the relationship. Like I said the 2 of us have always had different opinions but she's like a stranger.

With her first marriage we were able to help them with their house remodeling but my husband told her not this time and I know that upset her. She even wanted a fancy wedding bigger than her first and my husband told go for it but not with our money, so told me it's my fault.

My husband says our grand daughter is smart she knows we love it and in a year or 2 she can even go live with her dad.

Re: family

Colonel Meow — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 02:10:59 GMT

First, let me say that I'm so sorry you are going through this, 1966. You obviously care very much about your family and I can tell this is tearing you apart. Having said that, I hope you won't take offense at the following observations/questions.

1. (I say this very gently and with kindness) - It truly is none of your business how your daughter chooses to live her life, however upsetting it may be to you.

2. It seems as though you bestow every accolade on your former SIL, yet so much judgement and blame for your daughter. I'm guessing that this has not gone unnoticed by your daughter, and that she feels resentful about your loyalty to her former husband. Just a thought...

3. Like momtodogs posted above, your former SIL is a lawyer, and is perfectly able to advocate for his own interests (and on behalf of his own daughter if he feels that mom's new lifestyle is endangering Syd).

Again, my intention is not to make you feel worse about your situation. I am only hoping to offer you a different perspective that may allow you to approach this situation from a less emotional frame of mind. I wish you the very best.

Re: family

dobiesrule — Fri, 29 Aug 2014 04:44:33 GMT

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. To not be able to talk to your daughter or granddaughter must be terribly painful. Like EGW, I have no advice, but hope that things will improve with time.

Re: family

Big Sister — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 01:35:33 GMT

OMG, you raised a very spoiled child. She is blackmailing you to get what she wants.

Stay low for a while and see how this saga turns.

Re: family

JamicaJammer — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 01:49:00 GMT

On 8/29/2014 bigsister said:
OMG, you raised a very spoiled child. She is blackmailing you to get what she wants.

Stay low for a while and see how this saga turns.

Shame on you for accusing this poster like that, bigsister ! How do YOU know how that child was raised? Furthermore, I've seen families with multiple children raise them all the same, yet one child will do fine while another one becomes a lifelong criminal, etc.

Re: family

1966 — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 05:54:11 GMT

Thank you for the comments, I agree about some of your suggestions. Only child, younger age she was not spoiled but due to a mal practice winning I was able to give more now. Just before all this went down we went to Sams club and I said "oh I'll treat today and bought $295.00 of groceries and than after that we went to Vera Bradley's outlet and I bought her 2 bags.

I need a wheel chair if we do much shopping and after I gave her things her comment was I'm sick of pushing you around, I about died. My husband said she plays me and my best friend said next time leave my check book, debit card home and just take enough money for my groceries.

This is the same daughter who when I was near death a few years ago she never left the hospital was the best a parent could ask, she handled everything, bills, asking doctors detail questions, my husband of near 48 years was in another world doctors had to give him meds to calm him down he was hurting so bad.I don't remember I was in coma for 42 days. So this just kills me.

Thank you for letting me have some where to let my hurt out. My husband is so hurt the 2 of them were like" 2 peas in a pod" as we would say

Re: family

homedecor1 — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 05:29:37 GMT

My friend of is in the same situation but her husband died suddenly. Her mom & her were always best friends (she sold her beautiful home to move in w/mom). She had a great job, etc - 4 yrs ago on internet she met "mr wonderful" !!!! at this time she moved out of her moms to live w him in a room in a mobile home (8x8) in a horrible area & has supported him to the tune of over 100,000 and recently quit her job because "he loves her and misses her during the long hours she works", now decided he wanted to buy a home in south because this is his dream to live in a warmer climate"- you guessed it she's buying a dream mobile home. her mom hadn't said anything then when she did her daughter told her "I love him and I'll follow him and give him what he wants" needless to say --- they hardly speak anymore! sad I hope your situation gets better as I know how difficult it can be! that is why I learned quickly to keep my opinions to myself unless it affects the well being of my granddaughter because I have the DIL from h*******!

Re: family

jeanlake — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 18:34:03 GMT

1966 -- I'm so sorry. How painful this must be. If you decide to speak to your former son-in-law, make sure your concern and emotions are centered around your granddaughter and not yourself. Your daughter is in the driver's seat, sadly, unless your FSIL can step in and make a difference. It could get ugly.

For reasons unknown, your daughter is smitten by a loser. I'm not sure how you feel about turning to spiritual help, but if people don't change their hearts or hurtful ways -- I pray them away. I wouldn't announce it to my daughter, but I would silently be praying the boyfriend far, far away....

Re: family

jeanlake — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 18:38:37 GMT

On 8/29/2014 JamicaJammer said:
On 8/29/2014 bigsister said:
OMG, you raised a very spoiled child. She is blackmailing you to get what she wants.

Stay low for a while and see how this saga turns.

Shame on you for accusing this poster like that, bigsister ! How do YOU know how that child was raised? Furthermore, I've seen families with multiple children raise them all the same, yet one child will do fine while another one becomes a lifelong criminal, etc.

I agree, JJ -- thank you for standing up for 1966. I have 3 grown children and they're all different when it comes to gratitude and needs. We raised them the same. It's so easy to sit behind a computer and blast posters. We're seeing a lot of this lately.

Re: family

BigOrangeKitty — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 21:51:44 GMT

I'm so sorry for this situation, too. I'd probably keep in contact with the ex-husband, let the grand-daughter know she could call you anytime - you & your husband are right about not helping your daughter anymore. But just think, this marriage won't last long either, and soon the grand-daughter will be old enough to live with her dad and contact you more. I guess it's just patience and let her know you miss her. Good luck to you.

Re: family

1966 — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 02:57:05 GMT

Thank you all very much, this past weekend was not good. Our daughter called and wanted her dad to come and meet and talk, he told her she should meet me instead but he finally said ok. She said it could not be our house or at her house but a local park, so he said ok. For 45 minutes all she talked about was herself and how bad I'm to her. My husband said explain what she was getting at, nothing, than she would cry and repeat I'm not a good mother I didn't stand behind her when she got a divorce. At the time I told her every marriage has good and bad, in my opinion it's not 50-50 some days one might have to carry 75% and than another time the other , if you see what I'm trying to say. I told her to write all the good with first marriage and all the bad, every person has something wrong, my husband and I are night and day different but tomorrow is 48 years. So I hear now I didn't stand by her. At the end of the talk, her crying and her new husband did come with her my husband turned and said "what about me" since it was all about her. My husband even said what about our gran daughter and our daughter turned and said there you go thinking of Syd more than me. So husband got one and walked away and no hug or kiss first time he had not done that ever before.

I got a phone call and new son and law said who he was and stated we were not to call, leave messages, write letters, step foot on his property or drive by their house or he would call police and but a warrant out for us for harasment sorry mind blank sp. wr.

Didn't say that to my husband face. So I been crying. I'm just SICK, what is happening.

Re: family

Hoovermom — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 18:36:29 GMT

I am so sorry to hear your pain about the trouble with your DD. Hugs and prayers for your and DH today.

Re: family

muttmom — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 19:42:14 GMT

On 9/2/2014 1966 said:
Thank you all very much, this past weekend was not good. Our daughter called and wanted her dad to come and meet and talk, he told her she should meet me instead but he finally said ok. She said it could not be our house or at her house but a local park, so he said ok. For 45 minutes all she talked about was herself and how bad I'm to her. My husband said explain what she was getting at, nothing, than she would cry and repeat I'm not a good mother I didn't stand behind her when she got a divorce. At the time I told her every marriage has good and bad, in my opinion it's not 50-50 some days one might have to carry 75% and than another time the other , if you see what I'm trying to say. I told her to write all the good with first marriage and all the bad, every person has something wrong, my husband and I are night and day different but tomorrow is 48 years. So I hear now I didn't stand by her. At the end of the talk, her crying and her new husband did come with her my husband turned and said "what about me" since it was all about her. My husband even said what about our gran daughter and our daughter turned and said there you go thinking of Syd more than me. So husband got one and walked away and no hug or kiss first time he had not done that ever before.

I got a phone call and new son and law said who he was and stated we were not to call, leave messages, write letters, step foot on his property or drive by their house or he would call police and but a warrant out for us for harasment sorry mind blank sp. wr.

Didn't say that to my husband face. So I been crying. I'm just SICK, what is happening.

In some states can't grandparents get visitation, particularly if the grandchild wants a relationship?

Re: family

alarmclock — Thu, 04 Sep 2014 05:45:37 GMT

Oh, that is so sad. I am sorry. As a grandparent, check to see what rights you have in your state. You may be legally entitled to visitation with your grandkids.

It sounds like your daughter was bored and wanted a bad boy. Since her ex has moved on, I don't see a reconciliation, even if she does come to her senses.

One small thing I need to mention? It is not 50/50. It is always 100/100. Each person must give 100%, not 50%. If I was told all I was worth was 50% of your effort, how long do you think I would hang around?

Buh-bye.

Your daughter seems to be taking her unhappiness out on you and that is not right. She is also using your granddaughter as a tool to get back at you. She needs counseling immediately. She has to figure out why she is blaming you for her decisions. After that, she has to figure out why she is making bad decisions. She sounds a bit spoiled and when you have kids, you take the back seat. If she can't deal with that, you may have to take your granddaughter in.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.