topic Re: Friend dilema?? in Community Chat

Friend dilema??

TX-starlight — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 03:31:38 GMT

I am so torn about 3 of my friends. I have 1 friend I am very close to. We all went to school together. I spend time with 2 of them (not at same time), then the 3 rd is more or less homebound (handicapped).

The friend I am closest to can't stand the other 3. If I mention any of the other 3, she always has something smart to say about them. We also live in a small town. We don't do things together at all, but I feel like I am walking on egg shells with my closest friend. I shouldn't have to hide things, like casually talking to the others, such as things that happen in town, or their families. Please don't tell me to cut this friend out, but I can't tell her how I feel either. She is very moody & hard to describe her personality. I don't like confrontation at all, so please don't tell me to confront her on this issue. I don't know what to do & hate this feeling.

I will probably regret asking advice.

Re: Friend dilema??

ivey — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 03:45:26 GMT

It will be interesting to hear what people tell you. I'm kind of going through something similar, and it has been very upsetting to me. My friend who upsets me the most is very picky, critical and gossipy about others. It grates on my nerves and I find it very upsetting because our paths cross a lot in social situations. Because of this, I can't just write her off, so I'm going to have to limit talking to her. There are times it nearly makes me ill. I really don't want to be friends with her--but we are in several groups together and I don't want to quit the groups. (By the way, a couple of these are church settings which makes it extra touchy.)

I'm working on it, and it takes some maneuvering. I've learned not to say hardly ANYTHING to her because it gets repeated and embellished. I've even tried to tell her in a general way about her behavior, but it just goes over her head. I know what you mean about hating the feeling.

I am not a chicken--but I just don't want this to turn out badly. The groups are small enough that it would affect others and the dynamics of the group.

Re: Friend dilema??

hckynut — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 03:53:24 GMT

If I couldn't say what I wanted to say about anyone around a person? Ain't no way I would consider them my best friend, or as you put it, "the one I am the closest to".

Best friends are the ones you are suppose to be able to tell anything to at times, not someone who judges others you choose for friends. By saying she doesn't like "your other friends", to me that would mean she doesn't respect or think much of your judgement when it comes to whom you like as friends.

Re: Friend dilema??

TX-starlight — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 06:23:33 GMT

hckynut...you just got my attention. It IS almost like she doesn't respect my judgment of friends. She is very critical of everyone. She seems to not to really have any friends other than me. I am friends with ALOT of people, I've always been very social & I thought she was, but now seeing a different side of her lately. She even will criticize me being friends with people & makes me feel about this ? tall,lol. We always have fun, but bringing others into the conversation, just ruins everything. Yes, we CAN talk about other things...but for instance 1 of the friends parents have been ill. Even when I mention that she gets so weird. I don't think she is so narrow minded that she wants only 1 friend, I just don't get it with her?? I have several different circles of friends, much like poster #1 ivey, but she doesn't know anyone except our "school friends circle".

ivey, I am also anxious to hear what others have to say. Glad I am not the only person who has this issue.

Re: Friend dilema??

JamicaJammer — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 11:47:30 GMT

"Don't tell me to cut this friend out.".

Why not?? Why are you still "close"?????? More going on here, me thinks.

Re: Friend dilema??

151949 — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 15:00:21 GMT

When a woman gets involved with a abusive and controlling man the first thing that man will do is make every possible attempt to separate her from her friends and close family. It sounds like your friend is abusive and controlling. DO NOT LET THIS PERSON COME BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR OTHER FRIENDS. that is her goal - to separate you from them so once she is all you have then she can totally control you.

Re: Friend dilema??

Sooner — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 15:16:46 GMT

I used to always be the one stuck at dinners with the misfit, the outcast, the mean person nobody could stand and had to sit there with the miserable person yapping and complaining in my ear. I finally realized I was, how should I put this gently, being stupid.

If people can't learn to play nicely with others you can let them victimize you or not. It is as simple as that. You can't change them or help them in most cases and you need to learn to recognize when that is the case. Some people need and accept a hand socially, some are ostracized simply because they are tactless bores. You can either let these folks hang on you, or simply nod a couple of time and walk away from them to another group.

Re: Friend dilema??

BORN AGAIN — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 15:19:16 GMT

Your friend is subliminally looking for division. If you like her company, but she grates on your nerves= Limit your time with her.

Re: Friend dilema??

deb5555 — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 15:22:41 GMT

Seasons change people don't, don't bring up your other friends in your conversations and she can't complain. The less she knows, the better off you will be.

Re: Friend dilema??

JeanLouiseFinch — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 16:05:20 GMT

This thread is making my SMH.

tx-starlight, you've come here for advice, but limit the advice you'll accept, even though the advice you don't want to hear might be exactly the advice you need.

People change and friendships do to. If you can't be open or discuss anything and everything, then sometimes you have to move along. Yeah, you'll need to find strength to do that. The other option is to stay weak and knuckle under and abide by her terms of the relationship. And really, with the limits she establishes, whether verbally or by inference, what kind of relationship is it if you are the one making all the concessions? How can that be good for you or something you'd want to continue to be a part of?

Re: Friend dilema??

chrystaltree — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 16:34:19 GMT

You ask a question and then say you don't want any advice.... Why did you bother posting? My advice is, adjust, it's not such a big deal. You seem to think you are the only person with good friends who either are not friends with each other or detest each other. It's common. It's simple, refrain from talking about the other two with your difficult friend. She doesn't want to know what you do when you are with them, she doesn't want to hear about their lives. You talk only about things, events, places that your difficult friend enjoys and can relate to. You can talk about a movie that you saw without going into who you saw it with. I assume she doesn't expect you to drop the other two, so you have nothing to confront her with. When you are with her, be with her. And vice versa, don't bring your friendship with the difficult one into your friendship with the other two. I have two separate groups of friends; my work friends and my two long time friends. They have nothing in common and don't play well together. I love them all, I spend time with them all. I've learned my friends don't all have to be friends with each other.

Re: Friend dilema??

RedTop — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 18:19:13 GMT

The friend you are closest to, is exactly the kind of friend I don't want. I never pick friends who cling to me, and don't have other friends to do things with----who have different interests than mine. All of my friends must be independent. I am a good listener, and I am very supportive to my friends, but I cannot stand clingy friends who need to be my exclusive friend.

Re: Friend dilema??

BigOrangeKitty — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 19:05:10 GMT

You say she is critical of everyone and doesn't seem to have any other friends than you .... obviously she is so jealous of you having other friends she can't stand it! She wants you to be friends with her and nobody else. I disagree about not talking about others to her - that would certainly be walking on egg shells around her. I'd talk about anything I wanted to, your other friends included. If she makes a snarky or critical remark about them, I'd smile and ask "why do you say that?" ...... it must be a terrible feeling to be around someone and have to watch everything you say so not to upset them. Be yourself. Say what you want. If she doesn't like it and goes away what will you miss?

Re: Friend dilema??

goodstuff — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 21:39:32 GMT

I'm wondering why you consider this apparently difficult, controlling person your "closest friend" or why you want to keep her in that capacity. This sounds like the kind of jealous, exclusive-best-friend behavior I remember my daughters dealing with in grammar school! To have adult women behaving this way is beyond silly.

I have friends, but I don't have or want friends who try to limit my interaction with others or who get jealous if I do things with other people. Grownups should be free to enjoy the company of many people in many groups. You might be surprised at what would happen if you developed a spine and let your friend know you'd like to keep her as a friend, but plan to enjoy the company of other people sometimes, too.......and that you won't accept further controlling behavior in this regard. And then do it, and let her deal with it with no apologies and no "hiding" on your part. If she can't respect you as a free person with many friends, it's time for you to move on.

Re: Friend dilema??

colliemom4 — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 21:55:51 GMT

The only thing I can suggest is not to discuss the other friends with her. It's true that all your friends don't have to like each other. My husband has several friends that can't stand each other lol. You sound like a good friend but don't let her rob you of the joy of having other friends. Good luck.

Re: Friend dilema??

ROMARY — Tue, 12 Aug 2014 22:37:13 GMT

Ivey: Yes, sometimes if you even nod your head while listening to these type of persons, they will take it as an agreement with their opinions/gossip. And then, they could turn around and spread their views, talking as though they were originally YOURS. I don't like even sitting next to that type of personality.

Re: Friend dilema??

issiestorm — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 03:01:12 GMT

I totally agree with hockynut and romary. I couldn't have said it any better.

Re: Friend dilema??

occasionalrain — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 16:44:54 GMT

You say she is critical but is it that you are too accepting? If you enjoyed a tv show that your friend disliked, would you go on about it? If you did, I would think you were a bore. Why do you want to gossip about people your friend dislikes? Makes no sense to me and sounds passive aggressive on your part.

You say you have fun doing things with her so stop trying to bring your friends into the conversation and just enjoy her company.

Re: Friend dilema??

AnikaBrodie — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 16:57:18 GMT

Since you limit the "advice" we can give you, perhaps the best thing to do is avoid any discussion/comments about your other friends when talking with her. Is there a chance that she is jealous of these other friendships and somewhat clingy? I also think John hit the nail on the head. There is the issue of mutual respect and judgment on who you choose as friends. Perhaps it is time to bite the bullet and have a heart to heart talk!

Re: Friend dilema??

jeanlake — Wed, 13 Aug 2014 16:58:19 GMT

Hello TX. This is a tough subject. I understand why you're perplexed. We get sentimental about long friendships we share histories with. As you read from John's post -- most men wouldn't even consider someone so high maintenance who uses emotional blackmail to be among their friends list. I learned a few decades ago that sometimes it's best to un-complicate my life by prioritizing high-maintenance friends. It doesn't mean they aren't in your life. It does mean you control the amount of time and energy you give them. You do that because you value yourself. Your dear friend with the closed heart and mind is controlling you. How does it feel?