topic Re: Back to work after a family death in Community Chat

Back to work after a family death

carlycat — Sun, 11 May 2014 14:50:58 GMT

Hi ladies, My mother died a week ago, and it's back to work for me tomorrow, Monday. I'm single with no kids. My brother lives near and we are close. I'm dreading going to work. I just want to stay secluded but obviously can't forever. Any words of support are appreciated. Thank you!

Re: Back to work after a family death

gidgetgh — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:04:47 GMT

Sending my condolences to you on the loss of your mom. I lost my mom a little over 3 years ago and it's very hard.

My mom passed away on a Wednesday. I was off Thursday and Friday. We were off the next Monday for a holiday and I took Tuesday off (my office gave 3 days off for family deaths). So I went back on Wednesday. To be honest, for as sad as I was, I was SO happy to get back to work and to a more normal routine.

Nothing was going to lessen the grief I felt- you deal with that as you go, but I found it great therapy for me to return to work and do normal things- keep my mind busy. First day was a little "iffy"- caring co-workers stopping me in the hall, etc., but it was ok and I appreciated their comments. Next day was better.

You'll be ok. You'll grieve at your own pace and sometimes the grief will pop up when you least expect it to (I call it frozen peas moments- you might be in the grocery store or wherever and in the frozen aisle buying like frozen peas. All of a sudden the grief hits you. You don't know why. Your mom didn't care one way or the other for peas, frozen or fresh, but sometimes something unexpected or unrelated will cause the grief to hit you. It's bizarre sometimes, but those "frozen peas" moments will pop up from time to time.) I told a close friend of mine about the frozen peas moments when she lost her dad and she said she has those times also. Things you think will trigger grief and sadness don't and something totally unexpected will.

Anyway, I'm hoping tomorrow goes well for you. I think you'll do better than you think you will.

Re: Back to work after a family death

JustJazzmom — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:13:13 GMT

Having recently suffered the death and burial of my father after a brief illness, I think its wise to get back to your usual routine. I know my gardening has been a solace and comfort to me this past week. Just take comfort in that you will get through this and of course little things will remind you of your Mom (as for me my Dad).

Your Mom is looking down upon you and your brother. Condolences to you both.

Re: Back to work after a family death

brii — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:19:12 GMT

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mother in October and it's very difficult. But the best thing is to get back to a normal routine. It's quite overwhelming though.

It's a time filled with so much emotion, and there are ups and downs.

Re: Back to work after a family death

Abby1967 — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:25:47 GMT

My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom several years ago. The first day back to work was very hard. I felt like all eyes were on me. Some people offered comforting words others didn't say a word to me. We all deal with grief differently. Some people don't know the right words to say so they don't say anything others may say to much. You come to realize the only people who understand about a death of a mom is someone who has lost their own mom. A couple weeks after I was back something very funny happened in the office and I realized I was laughing, I remember turning to my co-worker and simply saying I never thought I'd laugh again. I'll be thinking of , take care of yourself.

Re: Back to work after a family death

BellaPaprika — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:25:47 GMT

It will be a good thing for you. You will have to get up, get dressed and function which can be difficult after a death in the family. You may feel as if you're running on "autopilot" but it will make the day pass and distract you from your sorrow if only for a moment. Also I have found that co-workers can be very supportive at such a time - the kindness of strangers.

Re: Back to work after a family death

pattypeep — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:29:14 GMT

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Getting back into your routine is probably best. Everyone will be giving condolences and hugs, which kind of brings it all back, but just say thank you and get back to your usual tasks. God bless.

Re: Back to work after a family death

RedTop — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:51:26 GMT

My sympathy to you in the loss of your Mother. I worked in the hospital where my Dad passed, so I received a lot of comfort and support from my hospital family during his illness. Going back to work was made easier by my connection with those friends. Their hugs and kind words helped tremendously. Wishing the best for you carlycat!

Re: Back to work after a family death

sidsmom — Sun, 11 May 2014 15:55:14 GMT

My sister passed on a Tuesday & I was back to work the following Monday. It was enough time by myself...and I was anxious to get back into a routine. It was awkward, at first, to have people come up to offer condolences...I started tearing up, but I got stronger throughout the first day. I know some people (on these boards) are easily offended by what people say.....yeah, some condolences were awkward, but I didn't take offense....they were just doing their best. Acknowledging death is challenging. On my drive home is when I would tear up the most....but that lessened over the years...but the tears never go away. Just arm yourself win a lot of tissues, in case..and excuse yourself to the ladies room for a private cry, if needed. Good luck & (hug).

Re: Back to work after a family death

carlycat — Sun, 11 May 2014 16:04:57 GMT

So sweet, all of you. Thank you. I know you're right, the routine will help. I just have to get back at it. I tend to cry when people are nice, so I will probably tear up. And I have three high profile events next week. I just have to do it. Dreading it is worse than actually doing it! Thank you for your kind words.

Re: Back to work after a family death

qualitygal — Sun, 11 May 2014 16:07:28 GMT

One minute, one hour, one day, one step..at a time. Hugs and best wishes, in time, give it time. Tearing up is normal so don't worry and say thanks. I'm sorry for your loss.

Re: Back to work after a family death

bells4me — Sun, 11 May 2014 16:10:00 GMT

So sorry for your loss. It's very awkward to go back to work after the death of a family member. I always offered a hug instead of words & placed a card privately on the person's desk.

Re: Back to work after a family death

Pqfan — Sun, 11 May 2014 17:19:49 GMT

I am so sorry for your loss carlycat.

Re: Back to work after a family death

brii — Sun, 11 May 2014 17:26:01 GMT

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Do what you can handle. Hopefully, it will get better and better every day.

Re: Back to work after a family death

Mama Mia — Sun, 11 May 2014 18:33:04 GMT

carlycat, I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. Please accept((((((HUGS))))))).

Re: Back to work after a family death

stilltamn8r — Mon, 12 May 2014 13:18:41 GMT

After I took BOTH my parents back to Arlington to bury them, my first day back at work was awkward..not so much for me, but for my co workers who were obviously pained for me, but did not know what to say...

What do you say to someone who has just lost both their parents?

If you can just make it through the first day, the rest will be better...

Re: Back to work after a family death

Luv2Decorate — Mon, 12 May 2014 19:12:52 GMT

I was young when my dad died. I was in school and working. My boss let me have a few days off. I went to work the day after the funeral. It was terribly hard and I would cry from time to time.

My boss brought me outside and we sat on the curb and he said to me "see all of those people driving up and down the street? They didn't stop living because your dad died, neither should you". I was a little shocked about the conversation, it was a little crass, but it was honest and direct. I went back in and went to work.

That was 30 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday.

Remember the good things, cherish the love and try to live your life in a way that would make her proud.

Re: Back to work after a family death

LyndaGee — Mon, 12 May 2014 19:21:45 GMT

I'm so sorry for your loss. Glad you have your brother close by.

Re: Back to work after a family death

PIT-HAG Melissa — Mon, 12 May 2014 19:24:10 GMT

(((Carlycat)))

I JUST saw this thread , I AM SO SORRY for your loss...

Re: Back to work after a family death

beckyb1012 — Mon, 12 May 2014 19:25:26 GMT

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very hard and still is almost a year for me since my Mom passed on May 15, 2013. Yesterday was very hard but we did have Mother's Day last year in her home and she was lucid for a short time that day.

That Monday after Mother's Day we put her in hospice and she passed a couple of days later. My first day to not got to work ever at my job of 17 years (not even missing a day from being sick) was the day my Mom died and the next several days. I live alone and it was very hard being strong for my brother and step-dad. I did not want to come back to work but looking back I am glad I got back in my routine quickly. My prayers are with you.