topic Re: rant in Community Chat

rant

velveteenb — Tue, 06 May 2014 01:59:48 GMT

hihi --

i must apologize in advance. i need to blow off some steam anonymously. feel free to read or not, comment or not. understanding is always appreciated but certainly not assumed or taken for granted.

i dont even know where to begin. shall we start with those people to whom i'm related? those of you who know me, know that they have been trying to make me crazy since they knew me. no, not hyperbole. he would read books about mind control and government programming, then take me in the basement with him and try to put what he'd read into practice. he told me that he would always know where i was, what i was doing and thinking; that i could never get away from him.

so. you may or may not be aware that my mother was diagnosed with stage 3-b lung cancer nearly a year ago. inoperable. she's had chemo and radiation. i don't know if the cancer is in remission because she hasn't had a PET scan; i don't know why. i do know that she is in terrible pain and taking oxycodone 'round the clock.

my father declared early on that he was "in charge" and would be making all decisions about my mother's care. he solicited my opinions and in the same breath would tell me he had no intention of taking any of my advice. it was simultaneously required that i offer suggestions/advice and be aware of the futility of doing so. i lobbied hard for a pain management consult, but that was ridiculed and rebuffed for months. *finally* my mother went to a pain management doctor 2 weeks ago. guess what he prescribed? the exact same lidoderm patches that i'd suggested last summer. the ones my mother's oncologist (don't get me started) had said were "inapprpriate" for my mother's pain. okey dokey then. of course no one has said they should've listened to me.

tomorrow is the 2nd pain management appointment. my mother just asked me to come to the appointment. why? when i go to appointments, i ask questions. my parents get angry, my father tells the doctor not to answer, and that's that. given that i have been told verbatim that my advice will not be followed and my questions are not welcomed, why should i go beat my head against the wall? because she's my mother, she's dying, and i know i could help. but ... i can only help if i'm allowed, and that's clearly not gonna happen.

he's been barraging me with e-mails lately. i try to ignore them. Saturday they had accumulated again and he kept asking me to call him. i fell into the trap of course. OMG. i suddenly, viscerally understood why, as a child, i'd spent hours alone in the backyard PUNCHING the tetherball. i sooo wanted to punch almost anything. it was such a crazy-making, triggering conversation, i can't begin to tell you.

he said that i wasn't doing enough, calling enough, visiting enough. then he told me i need to back off. then he said that the two of them are "alone in the wilderness". next, when i asked what he needed, he said for me to leave them alone and stop hammering at them. i expressed concern about him feeling alone in the wilderness and he yelled that it wasn't just HIM, it was BOTH of them. on and on and on. like a funhouse with the crazy mirrors and tilted floors, where the walls and doors keep shifting and there's no way out, and you're trapped in the dark forever. not *too* reminiscent of my childhood.

this went on for over an hour. i finally just said "i've had enough of this topic". i'm not sure which of us was more surprised! he tried to put me back there, but once i'd seen the light of day, that was it. i was done. when i finally hung up the phone, i was just so angry and overwrought and feeling trapped and helpless and crazy that i didn't know what to do with myself. in years gone by, i probably would've gotten out a razor blade and cut myself and/or burned myself with cigarettes. instead, i got a big bag of recyclables together and stomped all the way down 3 flights of stairs to throw them out, and 3 flights back up here.

ugh. i really want to believe that no one is beyond redemption, i do. but i just can't do it anymore. i can't change them. they don't want my help. they just want someone to beat up on. someone to manipulate. they like to poke me with that pointy stick and watch me dance, and i ... i'm tired. i'm tired and i'm angry and i'm sad. and i just don't think i can do it anymore. it's not good for me. i can't go to their appointment tomorrow, not and come out of it sane. i just can't.

bunny. tdcr.

ps wait for me to get going about my health insurance company!

Re: rant

Fickle Flesh — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:07:17 GMT

I think it is true that people treat you the way you allow them to. Nuff said.

Re: rant

bikerbabe — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:10:41 GMT

i am so sorry, velveteen. i agree you cannot help someone who does not want help. do you have a counselor or professional that you can talk to to help you work through your feelings? i agree that you need to protect your own mental health first and if contact with your parents is triggering and takes you back to bad experiences and manipulation you need to step back from contact. i assume your mother does not have any one else in the family who could be an advocate for her because she is being controlled.

Re: rant

biancardi — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:12:42 GMT

((((bunny))))

All I can say to you is this....your mother's time is short in this world. Your father, whatever he is past & present, is also struggling with this.

He does not know how to cope and it is coming out horribly in his conversations with you.

For your mom, you should show up. Ignore your father's tantrums. Keep your convo's with him short. Don't let him control you. You have come so far, and you are strong enough to be the adult here.

good luck with any decision you make and I do feel for you

Re: rant

QueenDanceALot — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:17:45 GMT

((((((velveteenb)))))))

Do what you need to do to take care of YOU.

Re: rant

Lila Belle — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:20:36 GMT

Be there for your mom. She needs you.

Re: rant

biancardi — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:21:43 GMT

On 5/5/2014 Lila Belle said:
Be there for your mom. She needs you.

Yes, if it weren't for the fact that the mom asked for bunny to be there, I would have stated don't go.

but her mother asked for her....and that tells me that she is scared and needs bunny.

Re: rant

WenGirl42 — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:22:45 GMT

I'm sorry Sorry you're going through this, and sorry your mom is battling lung cancer. Please understand I am coming from a place of trying to help you, and if what I have to say offends you, I'm truly sorry. Your mom's diagnosis doesn't change who she is or how she has treated you. You owe her nothing. She let your dad do what he did, she is part of it, she was complicit and is equally culpable. That you still have anything to do with them is a gift. Do only what you can do while maintaining your own well-being, and never for a moment feel guilty for what you are or are not doing.

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Catitude — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:23:45 GMT

So sorry. It's such a complicated situation. I feel for you but have no advice. I would walk away.

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Catitude — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:24:40 GMT

I agree wengirl.

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velveteenb — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:27:14 GMT

hihi --

thank you.

bikerbabe - thank you. yes, i'm in therapy. i know some days it's harder to tell than others. trust me ... this is sooo much progress! my mother doesn't want another advocate; never has. she is not without blame. i especially love your quote.

biancardi - i know you mean well. thank you for your perspective.

KittyLouWhoToo - thank you for all the hugs and for getting it. thank you.

bunny. tdcr.

Re: rant

biancardi — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:30:35 GMT

oh gosh - did I misread your post, bunny? I thought your mom wanted you there because you did ask questions and she wanted that, because your dad wouldn't do that.

if that is not the case, then take care of yourself.

Re: rant

velveteenb — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:42:57 GMT

hihi --

biancardi - i don't think you misread as much as i cut some corners. i left out the part of this evening's conversation in which i specifically asked her if i could ask questions and she said no. i asked her why she wanted me there and she said "if you keep your mouth shut, maybe you'll learn something". sorry 'bout that!

WenGirl42 - offended? not even close! very, very grateful. i'm guessing you're either a professional or the voice of experience, 'cause you clearly understand the dynamics. thank you.

Opurra - i appreciate your support.

bunny. tdcr.

Re: rant

Fickle Flesh — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:49:14 GMT

On 5/5/2014 WenGirl42 said: I'm sorry Sorry you're going through this, and sorry your mom is battling lung cancer. Please understand I am coming from a place of trying to help you, and if what I have to say offends you, I'm truly sorry. Your mom's diagnosis doesn't change who she is or how she has treated you. You owe her nothing. She let your dad do what he did, she is part of it, she was complicit and is equally culpable. That you still have anything to do with them is a gift. Do only what you can do while maintaining your own well-being, and never for a moment feel guilty for what you are or are not doing.

Very well stated.

Re: rant

ROMARY — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:52:51 GMT

Seems to me that the info you previously gave them turned out to be 'spot on'. Sounds like they (or one of them) don't want your info/input. Very difficult situation. Knowing myself, I would go to doc's appointment, but I would also speak up to the doc and give him a bit of background info, etc. Docs do listen, and have thoughts re: family situations/medical care, etc., even though they most likely won't give their honest opinions out loud in front of their own patients. But, the more the doc knows, the better off for her/his patients. BTW, I'm not suggesting that you should do this. Only what I would probably end up doing, right or wrong (for me).

Re: rant

ROMARY — Tue, 06 May 2014 02:57:59 GMT

In general, as far as people who do and say things such as you described, he must have had some type of mental problem(s). A mentally healthy 'normal' parent doesn't behave in that way. Sometimes people say and do things that they have no control over. Their behavior controls them. They may think they are in total control, but in actuality, they are totally out of control. Unfortunately. JMO

Re: rant

------ — Tue, 06 May 2014 03:07:33 GMT

Sit down alone with your father and tell him not to undermine your efforts in front of others. Tell him you are on his side but your mother's comfort must come first. Physical pain crushes and destroys everything in its path. Your mother should never have to suffer when help is available. Your father is probably very afraid and it comes out as anger towards the world. You are a convenient target. Your mother needs you. Take a deep breath and embrace what is good about your parents. Rise above it. In the end your efforts will bring you comfort and peace in ways you cannot begin to imagine right now.

Sending strength and prayers your way.

Re: rant

NoelSeven — Tue, 06 May 2014 03:19:15 GMT

bunny, honey

First a little advice... consider skipping over your father. Talk to your mother directly, or her doctor, or anyone else of goodwill who is involved in the situation.

If your Dad starts in on you, tell him you will talk with him when he's calm, and then walk away or say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Eric Berne, an internationally known psychiatrist and author used to say, "The only way to win the game is to refuse to play."

I understand how difficult it is for you to deal with anyone in your family. Maybe you will have to take another path and decide you're just not going to play their game anymore. In spite of all the dreck you've taken, you are your own wonderful and loving bunny

Re: rant

kdgn — Tue, 06 May 2014 03:47:13 GMT

Bunny, there will be repercussions no matter what you do. At this point I think you need to do what is best for your own mental well-being. I still can't understand your mom's mindset in saying you might learn something. That was "out there". But you're right: you can't change them. You can only change how you react to them....and your hindered in that respect.

Wishing you the best in whatever decision you make-

Re: rant

pistolino — Tue, 06 May 2014 03:58:02 GMT

On 5/5/2014 WenGirl42 said: I'm sorry Sorry you're going through this, and sorry your mom is battling lung cancer. Please understand I am coming from a place of trying to help you, and if what I have to say offends you, I'm truly sorry. Your mom's diagnosis doesn't change who she is or how she has treated you. You owe her nothing. She let your dad do what he did, she is part of it, she was complicit and is equally culpable. That you still have anything to do with them is a gift. Do only what you can do while maintaining your own well-being, and never for a moment feel guilty for what you are or are not doing.

I heartily agree.

OP, I think you realize he's off his rocker...and he can never redeem himself because it sounds like a personality disorder to me. Those can't be cured.

I think you should pick and choose what you want to be involved in (or not) and they (your parents) are both a team.

If you must step away to preserve your own mental health, then do so and don't feel guilty (easy to say, huh?).

Ultimately, you can't stop her disease. Ultimately, your mother can determine her own care and if she won't, then your father legally has 100% control over that. If he wants to be in control, let him be in control.

You are already doing it, but try to limit the contact to what you can handle. If your father starts ranting, do exactly what you did and tell him you won't discuss it any further. Then hang up.

I'm sorry you're going through this.