topic Re: Help Me To Understand This in Community Chat

Help Me To Understand This

sparklestar — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 05:10:13 GMT

I’m going to share this because I find myself very surprised by my reaction. My 25-year old daughter called me this afternoon while I was at work very upset and hardly able to talk she was crying so hard. Her best friend from college called her today and gave her some very sad news. Her mother took her own life by hanging herself. As I write this I am sobbing and I don’t know why. I met the girl a couple of times and her mother once, so while I did not have a close relationship with either of them, my daughter was and is still very, very close to this girl even though they are states apart – they are almost like sisters. My daughter spoke very highly of this woman and spent many college weekend breaks staying with them at their house. Last week she called my daughter and told her that her father left her mother for a younger woman. She also asked my daughter if she would mind sending her mother a card or a note just to let her know she was thinking of her. “Of course I will” was my daughter’s reply. She purchased the card and wrote some words in it but didn’t have the chance to send the card, and then she heard the horrible news today. My daughter kept saying “why didn’t I send that card sooner.” I tried so hard to explain to her that there was probably nothing anyone could have done to change what happened.

But what an awful thing. I felt sick to my stomach. As I sat with a cup of tea after work, I could not help thinking how devastated and lost this woman must have felt. How alone she must have been. What makes someone want to end their life? I feel asleep crying. I’ve been crying on and off all evening. I ache for this person that I don’t even know. Why?

Looking for some words of wisdom or something.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

sparklestar — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 05:50:53 GMT

Off to try to get some sleep.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

Kachina624 — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 06:17:18 GMT

She took her own life because she was in so much pain she felt she could no longer go on. Unfortunate, because as we all know pain lessens with time and we adjust to our new situation in life. Too bad she didn't seek the advice of a counselor, a hot line worker or someone. Of course your daughter's not sending the card had nothing to do with this person's decision. Her pain was not something a card could fix. It's very sad but no one should feel they are in any way responsible or could have prevented it.

It probably upsets you so much because on some level you can relate to this woman. You are probably about the same age, have daughters the same same age and may have had similar experiences. You can empathize with her situation. It's very upsetting for all concerned...imagine the pain the daughter is feeling having essentially lost both parents. Time will help heal all the wounds.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

Marienkaefer2 — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 06:56:28 GMT

For this woman to take the ultimate drastic step, I feel there was a lot more leading up to this.

I don't think it was just her husband leaving that caused her to do this. It may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but not the main cause. Just my opinion.

She must have been in pain for a long time. Maybe she managed to hide it. You never know what goes on within a family dynamic, no matter how well you think you know them.

I would pray for this woman, that her soul will rest in peace. I would pray for her family to have the strength to get through this. That they not blame themselves, that they realize that their loved one is at peace.

I don't think you can ever get over suicide,but you can learn to take solace that your loved one is no longer in pain.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

game-on — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 16:27:06 GMT

This touched you deeply; that is what I am reading. I am not sure what your tears are about.... they could be for your daughter, they could be for some thing that is inside of you that you haven't addressed.

As for suicide.... nobody knows exactly why another person takes his or her own life. It is a deliberate act that is a choice... life seems not worth living.... for whatever reason/s the person perceives. I don't believe that any one reason is usually why a person chooses this; and I don't believe that any one intervention will usually stop a person, if that person really wants to end his or her life. I believe that it is usually a thought out decision... unless a teenager does it... then the teen doesn't have the full comprehension and is often more compulsive.

I wish you peace as you come to grips with this.... I have heard that thinking about suicide and making a decision to live is a chance to grow.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

chrystaltree — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 16:30:52 GMT

It upsets you because you can relate to her. At the back of your mind you are thinking "But for the grace of God...". It's a terrible thing, suicide. It's so final. And it brings so much pain and devastation to the loved ones left behind. They spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty and wondering what they could have done, should have done to help. Wondering what signals they missed. Obviously, she was in pain but her pain is over now. She passed all that pain and anguish down to her daughter and others who loved her. Suicide is a terrible thing, it's also an incredibly selfish act.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

QP Doll — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 16:49:50 GMT

I used to think it was a selfish act, but no more. I believe it is selfish to think it is selfish!

Re: Help Me To Understand This

DeLaney — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 18:40:30 GMT

(((sparklestar))) you are maybe over-empathizing right now as you're processing this shocking tragedy. The closeness between your daughter and her friend makes it so personal. I am so sorry for all involved. In time, the same closeness may be helpful to your daughter's friend in healing, and in carrying on. Having those so tender as yourself, and your daughter who can relate so well to her pain could prove very comforting to her.

Peace to you, and all involved.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

bells4me — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 18:51:58 GMT

I think you feel so lost because you are putting yourself & your daughter in their place. I don't think mother & daughter were very close if she didn't see the signs. You also don't want to see your daughter hurting. I hope the woman didn't convey to either girl that you can't live without a man. Unusual way for a woman to commit suicide.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

Vivian — Tue, 29 Apr 2014 20:12:03 GMT

Years ago one of my former advisees, just five years after graduation, killed himself by jumping off a building in NYC. The week before, he called me and we had a nice chat. After the suicide I agonized for weeks about why I didn't pick up on his pain when we talked. What could I have said to prevent the tragedy? At the funeral we discovered he had called all of us in that last week. He was saying good-bye to the significant people in his life. I also learned that he had just come out as gay and that his parents rejected him. I realized no words of mine could have changed his mind at that point. I was selfish to think so. Suicides have no idea how many people their act affects. Your daughter is filled with all sorts of negative emotions and hurt right now. She can be supportive of her friend but sending that card would have changed nothing.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

sparklestar — Wed, 30 Apr 2014 18:09:01 GMT

Thank you all for your thoughts. Especially DeLaney and PinkSugar. What you each said made sense. I don't know if this woman was suffering for a while or it was just too much for her to accept. I know she was just put on medication but I guess she made the choice before the medication started to take some effect. The daughter lived clear across the country in another state as she moved their for a job and it's been about a year. I guess when you're not actually physically around a person it would be hard to tell what's going on. I know they were close.

It still brings me to tears and I can't help thinking about it. I feel so sorry for all involved, and now that poor girl is without her mother; especially with Mother's Day coming up.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

RedTop — Wed, 30 Apr 2014 21:52:56 GMT

My mother's sister committed suicide 28 years ago. She had lost her husband to cancer 2 years prior, and 6 months before her suicide, she had been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes after suffering a mild stroke caused from uncontrolled blood sugar. My aunt got her health issue under control and was doing very well physically, but mentally she couldn't handle the diabetes diagnosis. Her mindset about diabetes was based on what she knew from people who suffered with it in the 1950's and 1960's, and she started openly talking of killing herself. My Mom took her sister to see her family doctor; my aunt made her suicide statement to her family doctor. He referred her to a psychiatrist; my aunt made her suicide statement to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist convinced my aunt to sign herself into a psychiatric treatment center for inpatient treatment, which she agreed to do. She thought she was signing herself in for 2 weeks, but because she had continuously talked about suicide those entire 2 weeks, she actually spent a full month there before being released. The psychiatrists who worked with my aunt at the facility felt she had made such progress, when in reality my aunt felt she was walking around with a horrible disease that was going to kill her, and now she was crazy, because she'd just spent a month in a psychiatric facilty. My aunt killed herself within 4 hours after she got home. As a family, we feel we did everything we possibly could to get our loved one the help she needed. My aunt knew she was loved, and that she had a family that would stand by her through anything. The one thing we could not change was her mindset, and how she chose to see her life at that time, and in the future. In her mind, she was removing herself as a burden to her family. Her decision is a scar that has truly never healed; we have learned to cope with the decision she made, but there is no real peace like we have found after the loss of other loved ones.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

Love my grandkids — Wed, 30 Apr 2014 22:31:19 GMT

Very sad and bless you for NOT judging the poor woman. God only knows what pain she was in.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

Another new name Sue — Wed, 30 Apr 2014 23:13:37 GMT

You are hurting for your daughter's friend and because your daughter is hurting. I'm so sorry for this.

Re: Help Me To Understand This

DeLaney — Thu, 01 May 2014 17:33:06 GMT

On 4/30/2014 sparklestar said:
Thank you all for your thoughts. Especially DeLaney and PinkSugar. What you each said made sense. I don't know if this woman was suffering for a while or it was just too much for her to accept. I know she was just put on medication but I guess she made the choice before the medication started to take some effect. The daughter lived clear across the country in another state as she moved their for a job and it's been about a year. I guess when you're not actually physically around a person it would be hard to tell what's going on. I know they were close.

It still brings me to tears and I can't help thinking about it. I feel so sorry for all involved, and now that poor girl is without her mother; especially with Mother's Day coming up.

It is just heartbreaking, sparklestar and I hope this young lady's father will try to be there for her, IF she feels open to that right now. Such a complex mix of pain, anger and confusion for one so young. . . It would *seem* on the surface, that perhaps it was an irrational decision, the mother made in haste, but we can't possibly know. I doubt a note left behind would ease much confusion--certainly not the grief. Most certainly she wouldn't have wanted those who loved her to blame themselves. Very important now for the daughter to develop healthy coping skills and to receive whatever assistance she will need now in accepting her loss.

Hope your own sorrow, as well as your daughter's, feels more manageable soon. Talking it out; crying together--it's all beneficial toward healing.

My prayers are with all touched by this tragedy.