topic Re: Daughter just got engaged........ in Community Chat

Daughter just got engaged........

tashy — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 01:12:29 GMT

I am happy for her, BUT I really wish they would use their senses and have a small wedding, just immediate family. My husband and I have paid for all her degrees, she has three. We helped furnish her apt,help her moved twice,we are just tired. They are getting $2000.00 as a gift. I am hoping she realize they don't have that type of money for a big wedding. I am going to sit back and keep my mouth shut, maybe reality will wake them up when the see how much this stuff going to cost. Go to the courthouse and have a reception later. Most of the people will be from his side of the family,her side is scattered up north. they are talking about 150 people. I see this going down an expensive road. His family is not financially capable to help and we are, But we are not. I just had to vent a little.Any thoughts?

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

ROMARY — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 02:04:33 GMT

I do believe that they will 'come to their senses' when they know that they will have a budget of 2K plus whatever they have saved for themselves.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

ROMARY — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 02:11:36 GMT

p.s. Wishing them all the best. I always recommend some type of pre-marital counseling, which includes financial suggestions/advice, etc.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

toodles11 — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 02:53:56 GMT

You paid for her THREE degrees?! Wow! I think you've shelled out enough.

I married at twentyone and had a small wedding. I didn't expect my parents to have to shell out a fortune for my wedding. On the other side, I might have had a nervous break down if I had to deal with some of these big weddings that I have attended.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

Pickwickpapers — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 03:08:19 GMT

At my age I totally agree with you regarding a very small wedding with just family. The marriage is what is important not the wedding and the reception although most first time brides don't usually agree. With so many couples waiting to merry until they are older with several degrees and then starting a career they should shoulder the cost or at least part it it. My DB and SIL financed both a B.A. & a M.B.A. for their daughter then set her up in a condo when she finished. After about 3 years their daughter was engaged and expected a big wedding. Her fiancé was a attorney about three years older . My DB told her that they would pay for a small. wedding with the reception at home but not a huge wedding with hundreds of guests. So the bride and groom flew to Aruba and married on the beach and later her parents hosted a reception at home. It all turned out great......that was about 6 years ago..... The couple now has to sons.......one is about 9 months old and the older brother turned 3 last summer.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

ROMARY — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 04:36:14 GMT

In general, sometimes saying 'no' now ends up being a big 'Yes' many years later (and in the long run).

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

hckynut — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 06:10:29 GMT

On 4/18/2014 tashy said:
I am happy for her, BUT I really wish they would use their senses and have a small wedding, just immediate family. My husband and I have paid for all her degrees, she has three. We helped furnish her apt,help her moved twice,we are just tired. They are getting $2000.00 as a gift. I am hoping she realize they don't have that type of money for a big wedding. I am going to sit back and keep my mouth shut, maybe reality will wake them up when the see how much this stuff going to cost. Go to the courthouse and have a reception later. Most of the people will be from his side of the family,her side is scattered up north. they are talking about 150 people. I see this going down an expensive road. His family is not financially capable to help and we are, But we are not. I just had to vent a little.Any thoughts?

All those college degrees I would think finances would be one of them. Sounds like she has been taken care of very well by your and your husband.

My thought? My wife and I got married in a courthouse with only family and a few very close friends. We thought the money would be better spent for us taking a trip to NY City to see our New York Rangers hockey team play a couple games.

We are/were not spring chickens, but this was the 1st and only marriage for both of us and there was no family to pay for anything for either of us. I ordered my family not to give us any money and she told her family the same.

Guess you daughter still believes what my mother told me didn't happen when I was about 7 years old. She said "money doesn't grow on trees" and I am thinking your daughter must not have learned that while earning those 3 college degrees.

I've met 1,000's of men over 52 years running my adult hockey league and many of them are doctors/attorneys and others own their own businesses. I can tell you that how many degrees they had hanging on their wall in the office or on a wall in their home, many of them didn't have the common sense of a p*ss ant.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

qualitygal — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 10:51:10 GMT

Tell her up front, no surprises. You don't want mi$takes made or a$$umptions.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

ID2 — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 11:13:05 GMT

Umm its your daughter, right? I take it you are close. Sit her down and talk to her! Why have these horrible feelings about her upcoming wedding? This is a time to be happy. Have a talk with her.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

haddon9 — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 14:45:01 GMT

Congratulations to your daughter! I understand that you simply can't give a lot for an expensive wedding and I think that's understandable. We do what we can for our children but you get to a point when enough is enough!

I agree with you that having a small wedding is the way to go if she and her fiancé don't have the funds for a large one. I don't believe one should go heavily into debt for a big showy wedding and let's face it even a more modest wedding with a 150 guests is going to be costly just by the sheer number of attendees. One can have a more modest wedding that still can be beautiful and tasteful...there are ways to reduce costs. If she's a bit handy or crafty there are lots of online sites and blogs that can offer tips on how to save...but she needs to get the number of guests down. I wish them lots of luck!

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

tashy — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 20:21:03 GMT

thanks for the responses, we went out for breakfast and shopping today. She made it clear to her fiance her parents are not paying one penny, if he wants a big wedding or have all these people he is going to pay for it. He is worrying about hurting people feeling, my daughter does not.(she takes after me).I told her they will understand if he explain it to them in a nice way if not, oh well. I think she is being smart,realizing this is going to expensive. she said he is going to have to come to this realization himself. In the meantime she is going to concentrate on her job. She had me worried for a minute.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

violann — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 20:31:46 GMT

So glad you had a productive conversation.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

KaeKae — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 20:56:47 GMT

Congratulations on your daughter's engagement! And, just as importantly, on successfully raising and intelligent young woman, with good sense to boot.

Hopefully your future son-in-law will start to realize just what a large, fancy wedding entails, both financially and emotionally. Then, he and your daughter can create their wedding plan, whether that means traditional but small and tasteful or court house or destination or back yard..there are many options... He also should find a way to politely explain their plans for a "small, intimate wedding." Say it just right, and people will be nodding their heads and clapping him on the back in agreement.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

ROMARY — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 21:03:20 GMT

Many years ago, I attended a few 'very wealthy people's' weddings in a very exclusive neighborhood 'rustic' clubhouse..........guess what! All of those combination weddings/receptions offered cake and coffee, and a (one) toast of champagne. A few fold-up chairs seating all around. I don't recall the exact time(s), but it was daylight, so I'm thinking about three-ish o'clock. Sometimes, even millionaires have very quiet, small weddings/receptions. Just sayin'........... And, personally, I enjoy attending these type of weddings, too. A few flowers on an arbor, cake, coffee, a toast, small talk with guests. Very nice , pleasant afternoon. Very un-stressful, IMO

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

ROMARY — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 21:31:28 GMT

p.s. I'm not a fan of long, drawn-out weddings............too many hours. Also, don't like driving (even as a passenger) at late night, so I usually decline late evening weddings. 4 or 5pm is usually the latest I'll attend, and then I'll 'slither out' before dark.....(LOL.......)

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

goodstuff — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 23:31:35 GMT

My goodness. Now is the time to sit down with your daughter and her fiancé and give them the straight scoop on what you can and can't do for their wedding. Decide what you can afford to spend; make it clear you must stick with it, and let them take it from there. There are many creative ways to have a lovely wedding on a small budget, and the happy couple can cover extra costs if they want more. You and your husband have no obligation to extend yourself beyond what is financially reasonable to meet your daughter's demands. It sounds like you have already made generous contributions to her future. Set clear wedding limits and make them stick.

If she finds out her beloved is more interested in impressing other people or meeting others' expectations than in honoring realistic budgetary limitations............maybe it's better she learns that now, before the wedding!

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

toodles11 — Sat, 19 Apr 2014 23:53:44 GMT

Good for her for not letting what others might think pressure her into what she can't afford.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

Zoologist_1 — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 01:00:27 GMT

My son became engaged 2 wks ago to a very lovely young lady who has a HUGE family. The couple came here today to visit. She said she wants just 40 or so guests from her side at the wedding (tiny number compared to number of relatives, friends, etc.) but will invite LOTS to the reception. I've only one time been invited to a reception where I did not get invited to the wedding that was immediately prior to that reception and didn't like it one bit. I felt it was horribly rude, but that's my son and his fiance's wish, so I'll stay mum.

IMHO, there's no additional COST to having more folks at a wedding - it's the reception that can run into money, unless you scale it down to less expensive/quantity of food.

I've already told my son he'll get $1,000 from me, period. I'm a 60-y/o retired widow with a 15-y/o son still at home, so no way can I squeeze out more $ than that. And my son is thrilled with the $1,000. He and I are going 50:50 on his private college since it's over $35,000/year out of our combined pockets when all related costs are added in. We both have paid cash, no loans. He has one more year after this one.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

pommom — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 14:49:46 GMT

The best wedding I have attended was very casual. It was in the home of the bride and only close relatives & friends were invited. The ceremony was short and quite touching. The reception was in the back yard. The menu was simple finger foods, beverages, etc.

It was a come-and-go so you felt completely comfortable lingering as long as you wished or leaving whenever you were ready.

The weather was lovely. The backyard was not anything out of the ordinary but ample enough to accommodate her guests. About an hour after the ceremony more friends & co-workers showed up.

I did not sense any stress from the wedding party. They were there to celebrate. This was a great way to spend a lovely spring evening.

Re: Daughter just got engaged........

tashy — Sun, 20 Apr 2014 22:35:25 GMT

She is talking about a destination wedding, since my husband and I want to go on a trip, this will work for us. I know it is not about us,but no pressure, we Just show up. Has anyone here done this or heard of this.