topic Re: Vent - 3/29/14 in Community Chat

Vent - 3/29/14

judgejudith — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:33:26 GMT

Want to vent this morning about social clubs and old women. I belong to several clubs relating to my hobbies...genealogy and dollhouse miniatures. I've belong to them for well over 25 years. In two of the clubs (miniature) the members are basically the same group of women, give or take a few members, the women have basically refused to learn my name. I joined these clubs at the same time with a friend. My friend and I do not look alike, one of us is a blonde the other a brunette. Club members constantly call us by each others names, and then laugh when we correct them.

I constantly ask myself why I want to belong and be active in these clubs, but they are my only choices if I want to be active in my community in this area. We do several shows and displays a year displaying our miniatures. Part of what I like is to display my creations. I went several years without being active in the clubs and decided that I did missed that aspect of the club, although I don't care for about 50% of the members.

This week at the club during the business meeting I did voice my opinion in several areas. Usually I just sit and keep my mouth shut and go along with the group. The group was quite surprised. I must say it was refreshing for me. I slept like a baby that night and every night since then. So you might be asking why am I venting? Guess I just am mad at myself for sitting quietly for so many years and then stewing when I went home. I have an action plan with these gals...from now on I won't respond to them if they call me by my friend's name.

My general observation of hobby clubs is that women only clubs are petty and the older the members are the more petty they are. Clubs with both female and male members are generally much more pleasant.

What do you want to talk about this morning?

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

Lacey1 — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:44:57 GMT

I think within any group, whether it be a club, workplace, class, etc. There's the same 'type' of personalities. Cliques will form based on the various personalities. IOW: The outgoing, popular types will assume the usual roles, the quiet, shy folks will go into their comfort zones, the loudmouths that have to challenge everyone else will always be the center of attention, some smart *ss bullies will boss and make fun of the others , etc. etc.

It's the way of the world, but good for you for mixing it up a little!

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

JamicaJammer — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:45:47 GMT

These are just the MEAN GIRLS from HS who now are old MEAN BIDDIES.

Yes, all-female groups tend to be vicious, compared to mixed gender groups.

At 60, I've still got a son at home in HS, so my life is very busy/full still doing the Mom thing. Even when he's gone in 4 yrs to college, no way am I joining any group of mean women.

Solitude is better than bad company to me.

ETA: My friend's mother is 90 and in an asst. living apt. She said even women 80-90+ y/o are still forming cliques and acting like HS MEAN GIRLS.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

betteb — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:50:12 GMT

On 3/29/2014 JamicaJammer said:
These are just the MEAN GIRLS from HS who now are old MEAN BIDDIES.

Yes, all-female groups tend to be vicious, compared to mixed gender groups.

At 60, I've still got a son at home in HS, so my life is very busy/full still doing the Mom thing. Even when he's gone in 4 yrs to college, no way am I joining any group of mean women.

Solitude is better than bad company to me.

ETA: My friend's mother is 90 and in an asst. living apt. She said even women 80-90+ y/o are still forming cliques and acting like HS MEAN GIRLS.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

AuntG — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:50:47 GMT

Not at that age yet, but I had hoped that by the time women are in their 60's, they wouldn't form cliques. From what I gather about our county's community center, the people are generally nice. They go to plays and take other bus trips. However, unless you know some of the people involved, it might be hard to fit in.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

Silver Lotus — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:52:19 GMT

OP why do you continue to waste your precious time that you will never get back with these old biddies? That is truly puzzling to me.

My vent is that I am home sick for the second time this year with a sinus infection and I feel miserable.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

Luv2Decorate — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 15:02:48 GMT

It would be very funny if before you spoke you said "Hi my name is ..... and my opinion is"

Or wear a name tag that says My name is and I've been a member here for X amount of years! Make them look foolish for not knowing your name.

Silver Lotus, I hope you feel better soon, sinus infections are awful!

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

JuJu Squeezie — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 15:06:21 GMT

Misery loves company or...membership.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

Summer Sunflowers — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 16:49:25 GMT

When you attend these club meetings, wear a big name tag -

HELLO

my name is

JUDITH

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

LilacTree — Sat, 29 Mar 2014 17:22:37 GMT

Older women can be vicious toward each other. I live in a senior apartment building. There are mostly women here and they formed cliques within a month of living here. I was never that type, even in high school. I attended some events and was very friendly but, as usual, jealousy began and I started avoiding the get-togethers.

My physical ailments, which got worse six months after I moved in actually saved me from having to make excuses for not attending gatherings. I keep to myself and have for over two years now. There are a few women who are very nice to me, and I don't have to deal with the others.

There is a woman here who has cancer and made the mistake of telling everyone everything all the time. Some of them have been vicious toward her, but she kept telling them all of her personal problems with her family not caring about her, etc. I don't know the current status of the situation since it's been months since I have heard from her. However, I used to suggest that she not make her life such an open book to them and maybe they would stop mocking her. Maybe she took offense to that.

No one here knows my personal business or anything about my health. They see me in the hallways in my wheelchair sometimes when one of my girls is taking me out, and when they ask me how I'm doing, I always say I'm fine, how are you, and that's it. So other than saying I'm a recluse (which I'm sure they do because I am), there isn't much they can say about me.

The folks on this BB know a heck of a lot more about me than they do, and that's because this is anonymous and a good place for me to talk about issues without having to deal with giggles and stares.

I guess what I am saying to the OP is that it is up to her what she wants and doesn't want to put up with. It sounds as though she is taking care of things pretty well. She never said what her friend does about this name thing. I wonder if it bothers her friend as it does her.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

judgejudith — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 05:15:26 GMT

Just got home from work. One of my clients is in the process of passing from this world to the next. I am putting in some extra hours to help her family. She has such a loving, caring family. I don't always get to see this, sometimes the client has very little contact with their families during their final days.

I have had some experience watching women in retirement communities and I totally agree that can be a mean bunch of bullies.

My friend is very aggravated that they call us by each other's names. She tends not to speak up. I thought about having a tee shirt made with my name on it...but, I really don't want them to see how much they are upsetting me because I believe that is what they are trying to do.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

occasionalrain — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 05:36:26 GMT

On 3/29/2014 judgejudith said:
Just got home from work. One of my clients is in the process of passing from this world to the next. I am putting in some extra hours to help her family. She has such a loving, caring family. I don't always get to see this, sometimes the client has very little contact with their families during their final days.

I have had some experience watching women in retirement communities and I totally agree that can be a mean bunch of bullies.

My friend is very aggravated that they call us by each other's names. She tends not to speak up. I thought about having a tee shirt made with my name on it...but, I really don't want them to see how much they are upsetting me because I believe that is what they are trying to do.

When they call you by your friend's name correct them but not with your name, use a different one each time. Example: I'm not Jane, I'm Monica. Next time You've mixed me up with Jane, my name's Sally...

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

sylviahomeatlast — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 06:24:56 GMT

what mean people----in my life, I've belonged to many different groups---one, a women's lunch group I belong to now and since 1990---just lunch with 40 ladies at a hotel here once a month ---fun and everyone is nice---the other all women's group is a volunteer group that I belonged to for 22 years---wonderful ladies---don't waste you precious life with these---start a club of your own -------mean people s*k

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

ivey — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 08:46:05 GMT

You know, one of the surprises I've had as I get older has been how petty "older" women can act. I expected that we would all reach a level of wisdom where snarkiness and meanness wouldn't happen. But--no. I think the gossip is worse and ganging up on someone is seen pretty often.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

Azcowgirl — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 09:21:59 GMT

I too thought that with age came wisdom and tact and dignity, but not so I guess.....bullies and mean girls just become old bullies and old mean biddies. Proud of you JJ, for speaking your mind . Good for you . At a weekly group meeting of women that I was attending, I was asked every time, "You must be new, whats your name ?"....So I decided I didn't care to return. I tend to agree that solitude is better than bad company.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

judgejudith — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 11:58:26 GMT

On 3/29/2014 occasional rain said:
On 3/29/2014 judgejudith said:
Just got home from work. One of my clients is in the process of passing from this world to the next. I am putting in some extra hours to help her family. She has such a loving, caring family. I don't always get to see this, sometimes the client has very little contact with their families during their final days.

I have had some experience watching women in retirement communities and I totally agree that can be a mean bunch of bullies.

My friend is very aggravated that they call us by each other's names. She tends not to speak up. I thought about having a tee shirt made with my name on it...but, I really don't want them to see how much they are upsetting me because I believe that is what they are trying to do.

When they call you by your friend's name correct them but not with your name, use a different one each time. Example: I'm not Jane, I'm Monica. Next time You've mixed me up with Jane, my name's Sally...

I love this idea!

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

judgejudith — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 12:04:36 GMT

Thank you all for listening to my vent. You gave me some wonderful advice, plenty of food for thought.

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

AngelPuppy1 — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 12:31:52 GMT

Older women being mean???? I think that's a pretty broad statement. It's not just older women. In fact, from my experience, I've had more problems with younger women being snarky and nasty. But, really, I agree with the poster, who kind of stated that the older women were just always that way. They were mean girls, who turned into mean women!

I think it's great that you found your voice and since you really seem to enjoy this club, why shouldn't you be able to participate?

It seems like it's that way with anything in the world. There are bossy, rude, loud and obnoxious people who try to run the show and take over, which makes it hard for people who have more laid back,and/or quiet personalities. You shouldn't have to raise your voice to be heard, but it seems like that's what it comes down to a lot --- unfortunately.

I tend to stay out of a lot of things because I don't enjoy this type of behavior. I'd rather stay home and read a good book and watch a good program with DH. But everyone's different.

On a final note, if people are associated with others for a long period of time, and some of them just refuse to get names right --- that's done deliberately!!!! Just another way to be in charge and try to make others feel inferior. I would totally ignore any of them who addressed me by the wrong name. Don't give them any power over you. You have just as much right to be there as they do!!!

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

stilltamn8r — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 13:41:46 GMT

By refusing to learn your names after all this time, they are in effect, belittling and in a way, dehumanizing you-

Our names are our identity, and are associated with who and what we are- Of course it hurts, and it is infuriating- I can see if one person has a problem, because some ARE just bad with names, but when the majority of the group treats you in this dehumanizing way, I don't blame you for asking yourselves "Why?" do I want to be a part of this group of people- They have, evidently decided you two deserve to be treated poorly-Doubt you can change their feelings by reminding them, they are obviously aware of their slight...

Can you start your own group?

Re: Vent - 3/29/14

~moxie~ — Sun, 30 Mar 2014 15:49:42 GMT

On 3/29/2014 judgejudith said:
Want to vent this morning about social clubs and old women. I belong to several clubs relating to my hobbies...genealogy and dollhouse miniatures. I've belong to them for well over 25 years. In two of the clubs (miniature) the members are basically the same group of women, give or take a few members, the women have basically refused to learn my name. I joined these clubs at the same time with a friend. My friend and I do not look alike, one of us is a blonde the other a brunette. Club members constantly call us by each others names, and then laugh when we correct them.

I constantly ask myself why I want to belong and be active in these clubs, but they are my only choices if I want to be active in my community in this area. We do several shows and displays a year displaying our miniatures. Part of what I like is to display my creations. I went several years without being active in the clubs and decided that I did missed that aspect of the club, although I don't care for about 50% of the members.

This week at the club during the business meeting I did voice my opinion in several areas. Usually I just sit and keep my mouth shut and go along with the group. The group was quite surprised. I must say it was refreshing for me. I slept like a baby that night and every night since then. So you might be asking why am I venting? Guess I just am mad at myself for sitting quietly for so many years and then stewing when I went home. I have an action plan with these gals...from now on I won't respond to them if they call me by my friend's name.

My general observation of hobby clubs is that women only clubs are petty and the older the members are the more petty they are. Clubs with both female and male members are generally much more pleasant.

What do you want to talk about this morning?

I strongly disagree with your assessment of women that are older, and I find that most if not all the men in clubs that I belong to contribute nothing except for hot air. The few that do are kind and gracious. But they are in the minority. And the older they are (men) the more crotchety they are. The women are kind and gracious for the most part, especially the older they are.