topic Re: Signs of An Abuser in Community Chat

Signs of An Abuser

EastCoastViewer — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:38:09 GMT

Judge Toler (Divorce Court) just ran through the signs of an abuser from her book (don't know the title):

(1) Does he display an authoritarian attitude?

(2) Is he quick to get angry?

(3) Does he blame others when he makes a mistake?

(4) Does he criticize you and make you feel less than?

(5) Does he try to control what you do and who you do it with?

Additionally, Judge Toler said a potential abuser will be nice and act perfectly for a time but it's a façade. An abuser will present a glimpse of happiness as a way to control you, knowing you will do anything and take anything to make him happy again. (The classic honeymoon syndrome).

I thought this advice was very on target and I wanted to share. We need to let our daughters, nieces, friends and all know before they say I DO.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

esmerelda — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:40:54 GMT

Love is blind.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

MickD — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:42:47 GMT

Thanks for the post! Don't forget about the teen boys and teen girls....I had a talk about this with my son years ago....before he was a teen....It can go both ways....scary to think.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Preds — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:43:09 GMT

It is great questions and I agree, but when you are "In Love" you don't or won't see this until you live it. Love is blind ... for a reason.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

hckynut — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:44:33 GMT

On 3/3/2014 EastCoastViewer said:
Judge Toler (Divorce Court) just ran through the signs of an abuser from her book (don't know the title):

(1) Does he display an authoritarian attitude?

(2) Is he quick to get angry?

(3) Does he blame others when he makes a mistake?

(4) Does he criticize you and make you feel less than?

(5) Does he try to control what you do and who you do it with?

Additionally, Judge Toler said a potential abuser will be nice and act perfectly for a time but it's a façade. An abuser will present a glimpse of happiness as a way to control you, knowing you will do anything and take anything to make him happy again. (The classic honeymoon syndrome).

I thought this advice was very on target and I wanted to share. We need to let our daughters, nieces, friends and all know before they say I DO.

From my experiences, not personal ones just ones I've seen, many know the signs/see the signs, and choose to ignore them. There is the "he/she is different that the others" syndrome and before they figure it all out it might be too late.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

EastCoastViewer — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:51:17 GMT

If women/men or girls/boys are empowered with information, he/she can stop him/herself before the relationship gets to the IN LOVE stage.

Knowing his getting angry quickly, isn't just "oh he just has a temper" but is a real sign of an abuser and "oh he just doesn't like me to go out" isn't "he is just a homebody" but coupled with a quick temper and a refusal to take personal responsibility for mistakes equals an abuser.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

EastCoastViewer — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 00:53:01 GMT

I think love should be blind because if it wasn't, no one would get married. However, love doesn't have to be stupid LOL!

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Puzzle Piece — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 01:04:05 GMT

Explains some aspects of abuse but not all. Some guys are crazy makers. Others get a gal to become afraid of everything and insecure about herself as they put her down. Lots of stuff that goes on with those types.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Chloe Piper — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 01:22:05 GMT

On 3/3/2014 Love Roses said:
Explains some aspects of abuse but not all. Some guys are crazy makers. Others get a gal to become afraid of everything and insecure about herself as they put her down. Lots of stuff that goes on with those types.

I think #4 and #5 would cover that.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Silver Lining — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 01:47:21 GMT

Some girls or women would rather have SOMEbody than no one. There's hope for girls like that to do better, but women like that don't usually change.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Rainbows and Roses — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 01:53:00 GMT

So nice of you to put this on Viewpoints.....I hope people will open and read this that need it........there are always red flags but people mistake them for someone being overly concerned......we marry or date at the level of our selfesteem.........so this is one reason many women and men are abused......it is what they are used to or they don't have self confidence in being alone or with themselves. Great topic. I hope this helps someone. Because, the people that CONTROL and are JEALOUS and RAGE in ANGER do not change without help and really wanting the desire to change. Always look and see how the man treats his mother..........if he disrespects her he will you also.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

mgm2 — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 02:01:27 GMT

Thanks for the thread.

March is Woman's History month.

We all can learn from this information even if it doesn't apply to us, we can pass it on.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Marienkaefer2 — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 02:05:12 GMT

Yes, this is spot on.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

betteb — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 02:11:41 GMT

I can tell you from personal experience (many years ago) that this is spot on.

If any of you are involved with someone like this, run!

If any of you know someone who is involved with someone like this, please, let them know you will help them.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

mgm2 — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 02:16:21 GMT

I just read this on facebook, it's from a women's shelter:

Domestic Violence, Se-u al Assault, and any serious crime can change how you feel. Living with and through these situations can be considered a traumatic event.

As a result of a traumatic event, a person may experience intense feelings of anger, vivid dreams, nightmares or flashbacks of the event and feelings of fear and insecurity. Some people may have feelings of being permanently broken and don’t believe their life will ever improve. They may have trouble concentrating. Others may experience a sense of feeling disconnected and in shock or disbelief that the world still goes on around them.

These are all normal feelings for someone who has experienced a traumatic event.

If you have experienced a traumatic event, feel emotionally distressed and feel as if your life has changed, there is help for you.

You may want to talk to an advocate about the anxiety, and emotion distress you may be experiencing.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

FUTURE — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 02:53:05 GMT

I 110% agree with those points. Have seen it in others many times.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

GCR18 — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 02:57:50 GMT

My sister lived through 25 years of this. I used to talk with her about it, but got no where. She's been out for seven months and asked why she didn't see it and why nobody told her...

Re: Signs of An Abuser

RoughDraft — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 03:02:30 GMT

Lets not forget there are female abusers too. They may not be as prevalent, but they are out there. Men are often too ashamed to come forward. A friend of mine did her thesis on this subject and it was eye opening.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

conlt — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 03:03:43 GMT

Please don't blame the abused. This is not as simple as Love is Blind. I lived it. I was abused by a sister as a child and witnessed my father verbally abuse my mother. When I finally fell in love, I did not see the signs. These people become very isolated and are embarrassed and afraid to ask for help. In my case, I did not know how to get out and I was financially secure but I owned the house. I needed to get him out. It took much work with the local shelter, counseling, some police officers who told me that they were worried about my safety, and a very understanding attorney who helped me get out. Then it was hard to stay out. The abused is in love with a fantasy and "only if I did this maybe he would be happy". This subject is very difficult and complicated for the person who is living it. I could have ended up severely injured or dead. This is no joke, believe me.

Re: Signs of An Abuser

Rainbows and Roses — Tue, 04 Mar 2014 03:16:08 GMT

Conlt..........I am so so sorry and my first husband was an abuser and you are right they make us feel like we have done something wrong.......back when it happened to me in 1977-1979.......there was no law to help me......I would call the police and they would stand out in the road and if he killed me then they could do something.......so embarrassing being beat up and cops watching but they were not allowed to come on property because this law had not passed......so many times I had to say I fell off a horse or down the steps or I was clumsy.........when I got out I was out and I don't allow any man to abuse me even in words.......really I don't date and I don't even want to date.