topic Re: Ethic's Question: in Community Chat

Ethic's Question:

Suhse — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 21:50:49 GMT

From an Ethic's class I'm taking for work: 1. If you adopt a child do you tell the Child that they are adopted, and when? 2. if you are an adopted child at some point do you make the attempt, to at least discover who your biological parents are? 3. If you choose not to inform your child that they are adopted what is your reasoning?

Re: Ethic's Question:

Preds — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 21:56:34 GMT

1. Yes. When I felt they were old enough and loved enough to understand how lucky I was to receive them as a precious gift.

2. That would depend on the child. Some may feel a need to find out, some may need to for medical reasons and some may not want to know. I'm not adopted, just my thoughts.

3. Can't imagine.

Re: Ethic's Question:

pinkskates4 — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 21:56:43 GMT

i would tell the child as soon as she is old enough to understand. Undoubtedly she would find out at some point, and I would never want to her regard her upbringing as living a lie.

I would also tell her that while I don't know the specifics, it was a brave decision her mother made to give up her child so that her child could have a better life than she was equipped to provide.

Re: Ethic's Question:

JaneMarple — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 21:58:24 GMT

My ex husband as adopted as a baby and his parents told him at an early age, he didn't have any problems with it growing up. He appreciated them for telling him the truth, eventually when he was older he was told all that they knew about his birth parents.

He found out in his mid thirties about his birth mother but his father is still a mystery,

Re: Ethic's Question:

stilltamn8r — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 22:01:44 GMT

So some people really wrestle with whether or not to tell the truth?

Re: Ethic's Question:

raven-blackbird — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 22:02:39 GMT

you tell a child they are adopted at an early age.......just as you tell them every day you love them and are so happy they are in your life............you raise them well, you raise them to be whole, strong, loving people and if they want to find their biological parents.......you help them........ be strong in the fact they know you love them and want the best for them...........you have a history of love, caring and just being there in your corner.............................raven

Re: Ethic's Question:

NoelSeven — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 22:31:29 GMT

I don't see this as an ethics problem, it's more about the psychology behind dealing with adoption and the child.

1) IMO it's best to tell a child she is adopted. It should be an open subject as soon as she's able to understand, and always a positive thing. I like the practice of celebrating Adoption Day, the day she (or he) came home, as a special day for the family.

2) It's up to the child to decide if she wants to find her bio parents. If she does, many families say they will help her do that when she is 18. Support her decision to do so or not to do so.

3) I don't support not telling the child. If she finds out when she's older it can be very emotional, a shock with anger. Why do that? She needs to know her genetic makeup if possible and that includes knowing that she has not inherited your predisposition to certain medical problems.

Re: Ethic's Question:

stilltamn8r — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 22:41:25 GMT

What is a reason that a parent would NOT tell an adopted child that they were adopted? I mean, maybe if their Dad was Charles Manson or something, in order to "protect" the child but I have found one can rarely be "protected" from what is, inevitably, true... And once that truth DOES come out, there will be much hurt from the attempt to hide it in the first place-...

Re: Ethic's Question:

JaneMarple — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 22:42:56 GMT

On 2/28/2014 NoelSeven said:
I don't see this as an ethics problem, it's more about the psychology behind dealing with adoption and the child.

1) IMO it's best to tell a child she is adopted. It should be an open subject as soon as she's able to understand, and always a positive thing. I like the practice of celebrating Adoption Day, the day she (or he) came home, as a special day for the family.

2) It's up to the child to decide if she wants to find her bio parents. If she does, many families say they will help her do that when she is 18. Support her decision to do so or not to do so.

3) I don't support not telling the child. If she finds out when she's older it can be very emotional, a shock with anger. Why do that? She needs to know her genetic makeup if possible and that includes knowing that she has not inherited your predisposition to certain medical problems.

I saw a clip from the show "Paternity Court" on FB yesterday and a young man found out that the woman who raised him was not his mother. She was his his aunt, his birth mother died during childbirth and she never told anyone, not even her husband. It was very sad.

Re: Ethic's Question:

chrystaltree — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 22:57:52 GMT

Ethics? There's nothing ethical about any of those questions.

1. I think adopted children should be told that they are adopted. Why wouldn't you tell the child? It's part of that child's life story and it's a wonderful thing. Not something to be hidden. When, that depends on the child. I have dear friend who has two adopted daughters, she adopted them as infants and they have always known. From the time, they first asked where babies come from, she began telling them the truth in an age appropriate way.

2. Whether or not to search for birth parents is up to the adoptee. I think that if I had an adopted child and that child wanted to find his or her "real" parents. It would break my heart, it would undo me. But it's still the adoptee's decision to make. I do think that making contact is fine but if the birth parent doesn't want to meet the adoptee and doesn't want a relationship with the adoptee, the adoptee should RESPECT that.

3. I can't imagne not telling the child. I know it was common to keep it a secret many years ago but I don't think that's the case now.

Re: Ethic's Question:

Elstongunn — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:04:31 GMT

What if the birth parent(s) asked that their identities NEVER be revealed to the child, and the adoptive parents knew them, or were aware of their request? Do you tell the child that? Do you respect the birth parents' wish, or the child's wish?

Re: Ethic's Question:

lulu2 — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:06:23 GMT

If I adopted a child I would tell him/her when he/she was old enough to understand. If he/she wanted to contact his/her birth parents, I'd (probably) help.

If the child were the result of ra*pe, I do not know when or if I'd share that information.

Re: Ethic's Question:

stilltamn8r — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:09:34 GMT

On 2/28/2014 ktlynam said:
What if the birth parent(s) asked that their identities NEVER be revealed to the child, and the adoptive parents knew them, or were aware of their request? Do you tell the child that? Do you respect the birth parents' wish, or the child's wish?

Sounds like making a deal with the Devil.....

How could you possibly raise a child, knowing that everything you are telling them is a lie?

Re: Ethic's Question:

goodstuff — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:13:20 GMT

That doesn't strike me as an ethics question. It's more like a parenting/psychology question. Yes, I'd tell a child he/she is adopted. I'd leave it up to the child whether he/she wants to seek his/her birth parents later in life.

And it's not "ethic's". It's "ethics".

Re: Ethic's Question:

Love my grandkids — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:15:32 GMT

I strongly take issue with the term "real parents." The CORRECT term is "biological parents".

The REAL parents are those who adopt, love and raise a child.

Re: Ethic's Question:

MickD — Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:17:47 GMT

1. From the time when they are little - when you can read to them and show them pictures (from adoption book) as per experts.

2. As an adopted child it is his/her choice as whether he/she wants to look for parents. Whether open or closed adoption that is another question.

3. If you choose not to tell your child, then you need to speak to a mental health professional about that issue/what's stopping you.

Re: Ethic's Question:

Elstongunn — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 01:24:14 GMT

On 2/28/2014 stilltamn8r said:
On 2/28/2014 ktlynam said:
What if the birth parent(s) asked that their identities NEVER be revealed to the child, and the adoptive parents knew them, or were aware of their request? Do you tell the child that? Do you respect the birth parents' wish, or the child's wish?

Sounds like making a deal with the Devil.....

How could you possibly raise a child, knowing that everything you are telling them is a lie?

I meant more along the lines that the child can know he/she is adopted, but that the bio parents don't want their identifies ever revealed. Do you help the child find them, or do you withhold any information you might know?

Re: Ethic's Question:

raven-blackbird — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 01:29:40 GMT

On 2/28/2014 ktlynam said:
What if the birth parent(s) asked that their identities NEVER be revealed to the child, and the adoptive parents knew them, or were aware of their request? Do you tell the child that? Do you respect the birth parents' wish, or the child's wish?

it's not about them anymore........it's about the child.......they gave up that right the moment that child was conceived..........now it's about doing what is in the child's best interest......they gave up the child for that reason, it doesn't end there.................................raven

Re: Ethic's Question:

colliegirls — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 01:33:59 GMT

On 2/28/2014 Love my grandkids said:
I strongly take issue with the term "real parents." The CORRECT term is "biological parents".

The REAL parents are those who adopt, love and raise a child.

I totally agree. The child should be told when they are old enough to understand. I also believe it should be treated as no big deal. Its just another way that HE brings families together.

Re: Ethic's Question:

SydneyH — Sat, 01 Mar 2014 01:37:01 GMT

I can't imagine, especially with the technology we have these days, trying to hide a child's history.