topic Re: Why Don't Men Listen? in Community Chat

Why Don't Men Listen?

Vivian — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:22:47 GMT

I've been married for almost 50 years so I should know better but I don't think I was asking much of my husband. He was going to Syracuse today,an hour from where we live. I asked if he could stop at a local tee shirt shop to pick up a Syracuse University basketball tee shirt for a doctor whom I see once a year. I'm seeing the doctor next week, way out of town. I always bring doc little gifts from central NY, where I live. I told my husband to get a dark tee with orange trim (university colors). I even wrote it down so that he would not come home with a bright orange tee. My doctor doesn't like bright colors. Hubby came home with a bright orange tee. I asked if he had read my note. He said he did but didn't know I was serious about what I wrote and that I should stop being so picky. He clearly paid no attention to what I had said and wrote. I know. I know. Next time get it myself...but he was going to Syracuse. He was there. And he does this constantly. "Need something at the store, dear?" "Yes, can you please get me a pint if vanilla ice cream?" "OK"...and then he comes home with chocolate. I go out of my way to write things down so he can remember, and he ignores what I've said and written. Is it senility, rudeness, or just not caring? It's not earth shattering but I feel ignored and disrespected when he does this...and he does it often. When I bring it up, he gets mad at me for picking on him. Am I getting angry over nothing?

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

chickenbutt — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:35:05 GMT

I call it testosterone poisoning.

I think they are just predisposed to going into 'blocking' mode as soon as it's something that either they don't want to hear or are not interested in. I think they learn this behavior when they are kids and their mothers are talking to them. They learn to not listen and to avoid confrontation.

You just have to accept it if you are choosing to live with a man. I find that if I write what I have to say in an email to my husband he seems to 'hear' more of it. He's a good guy and he tries but he is just too conditioned to automatically moving on, in his head, when he is disinterested or just doesn't want to hear it.

It's possibly not that he's intending to disrespect you. He just sees things differently than you do.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

hckynut — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:41:53 GMT

Why Don't Men Listen?

I am a man and I listen. Now go ahead and tell me what you have to say. I didn't read your thread I thought I would type this and that way you can speak directly to me and I can assure you I will respond as best I can.

My preference for titles oft-time is ""Some Men/Some Women"" etc.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Vivian — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:58:09 GMT

OK, hockynut, I'll rephrase. Why doesn't my husband listen? I asked him to pick up a tee shirt for my out-of-town doctor, whom I bring small gifts to once a year when I see him. My husband was going to be be near the SU store when he went to Syracuse today. I told him exactly what to get, I wrote it down, yet when he came home he had bought precisely what I told him I didn't want. It's not the end of the world but hubby does this sort of thing constantly. I find it rude. I don't do this when he asks me to bring home things for him. I just expect fair play.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

hckynut — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 01:17:26 GMT

On 2/24/2014 Vivian said: OK, hockynut, I'll rephrase. (1)Why doesn't my husband listen? (2) I asked him to pick up a tee shirt for my out-of-town doctor, whom I bring small gifts to once a year when I see him. My husband was going to be be near the SU store when he went to Syracuse today I told him exactly what to get, I wrote it down, yet when he came home he had bought precisely what I told him I didn't want. (3)It's not the end of the world but hubby does this sort of thing constantly. (4)I find it rude. (5)I don't do this when he asks me to bring home things for him. I just expect fair play.

1- Was he that way when you were courting? Did he listen to whomever raised him?

2- Many, I will say even most, men go from mother to wives. Thus they get accustomed to someone "doing for them" and not them "doing for their important others". Much of it also is because most men do not do much shopping, even for themselves, so chances of doing it to buy a shirt for someone else?

3- Most men that do this "constantly" did not become that way overnight. They function in a world of their own and if that world is something where they "have things done for them" they expect to do things their way or not at all.

4- I call it uncaring in lieu of just rude. Who knows what happened to what you wrote and why he didn't retain it in his memory? To me it is beyond rude and something I would never do to anyone. If I say I am going to do something, I do it if at all possible.

5- Even though males are "wired" differently than females a lot of what they do and do not do has to do with, once again, how they were raised and what they were/are used to be expected to do.

Many of my married former co-workers(worked with all males most of my 33 years with AT&T) used to complain/complain and complain about their wives forgetting this or that in their lunch bucket. Now I gave them a solution but they didn't like what I had to say. I said it's simple, "make and pack your own lunch and then if something is missing you can blame yourself".

I was single until I was 62 years old and my mother had me doing "my share" at an early age(6) because she raised 4 of us alone and also worked a full time job. As I moved through life I was used to, and am still used to, doing for myself. That includes listening when spoken to by my wife and others. Again, if I say I will do something it gets done if humanly possible.

Answer for you? If he asks you to do something some feel "turnabout is fair play". Other than that I don't know what else to say unless he is young enough and hasn't completely been set in his ways.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

sfnative — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 02:41:09 GMT

Hi Vivian,

I'm in somewhat the same situation. We've been married 45 years and my husband forgets, doesn't listen, doesn't hear me (needs a hearing aid) and has an aging brain. I was appalled to see a CT of his brain in July when he fell down dead drunk onto the sidewalk and knocked himself out. His brain CT looks rather cloudy, so I knew from looking at it that he'd be going downhill faster than I thought (he'll be 70 this year).

He also decides to get contrary, as did your husband. I DO NOT GET THIS. I've indicated to my husband several times that henceforth I'll be doing x, y, and z, because he chooses to get it wrong. This infuriates him and causes him to scream and yell at me.

I should not have retired last May.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Financialgrl — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 03:18:12 GMT

I've been with my BF for over 30 years and I'm convinced after they have us hooked they quit listening! I imagine it to be like Charlie Brown's teacher - - waa wah!

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Financialgrl — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 03:18:13 GMT

D/P

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Love my grandkids — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 07:06:06 GMT

You've been married to this guy for 50 years. How would WE know why he does things?

And I *hate* generalizations about men. I know you amended your comment but this is my comment!

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

BellaPaprika — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 14:32:24 GMT

Why don't men listen? That's easy...because they don't have to! Women are trained (yes, "trained" by seeing their mothers, grandmothers, and other women do the same) to grudgingly accept men's ineptness and inconsiderate behavior and move on. We are the caretakers. We are the ones who smooth the troubled waters. So when men go the easy route and do whatever without thinking, we may moan and complain but eventually we let it pass.

But the resentment builds and over time we find we've had enough and then we either divorce them or write a thread on the Q.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

emmysmom — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 15:24:44 GMT

On 2/24/2014 hckynut said:
On 2/24/2014 Vivian said: OK, hockynut, I'll rephrase. (1)Why doesn't my husband listen? (2) I asked him to pick up a tee shirt for my out-of-town doctor, whom I bring small gifts to once a year when I see him. My husband was going to be be near the SU store when he went to Syracuse today I told him exactly what to get, I wrote it down, yet when he came home he had bought precisely what I told him I didn't want. (3)It's not the end of the world but hubby does this sort of thing constantly. (4)I find it rude. (5)I don't do this when he asks me to bring home things for him. I just expect fair play.

1- Was he that way when you were courting? Did he listen to whomever raised him?

2- Many, I will say even most, men go from mother to wives. Thus they get accustomed to someone "doing for them" and not them "doing for their important others". Much of it also is because most men do not do much shopping, even for themselves, so chances of doing it to buy a shirt for someone else?

3- Most men that do this "constantly" did not become that way overnight. They function in a world of their own and if that world is something where they "have things done for them" they expect to do things their way or not at all.

4- I call it uncaring in lieu of just rude. Who knows what happened to what you wrote and why he didn't retain it in his memory? To me it is beyond rude and something I would never do to anyone. If I say I am going to do something, I do it if at all possible.

5- Even though males are "wired" differently than females a lot of what they do and do not do has to do with, once again, how they were raised and what they were/are used to be expected to do.

Many of my married former co-workers(worked with all males most of my 33 years with AT&T) used to complain/complain and complain about their wives forgetting this or that in their lunch bucket. Now I gave them a solution but they didn't like what I had to say. I said it's simple, "make and pack your own lunch and then if something is missing you can blame yourself".

I was single until I was 62 years old and my mother had me doing "my share" at an early age(6) because she raised 4 of us alone and also worked a full time job. As I moved through life I was used to, and am still used to, doing for myself. That includes listening when spoken to by my wife and others. Again, if I say I will do something it gets done if humanly possible.

Answer for you? If he asks you to do something some feel "turnabout is fair play". Other than that I don't know what else to say unless he is young enough and hasn't completely been set in his ways.

You have given me hope! I'm 62 and would love to meet a man for companionship! I have had 2 failed marriages..I have never experienced a man like you. I married controllers. I would love to have a friendship with someone that listened, cared and wasn't selfish. Your mother did you a favor. Your wife is fortunate!

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

151949 — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 15:34:15 GMT

I think as they get older and start losing brain cells they just don't have them extra to lose. My DH is much more frustrating than he used to be. I actually spoke to our doctor thinking he was getting altzheimers but he said this sounded like normal aging to him plus my DH played college football so may have had concussions and they are finding these cause problems later in life. i am finding it to be rather frightening.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

RedTop — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 16:57:03 GMT

In my own marriage of 40 years, I have learned that details do not matter to my husband, and a list is not worth my time to write it. If I send him to the store, his memory is only good up to 3 items. In August of last year I sent him to the store for 4 items (I know, I was pushing him). He called from his cell phone to say he had the 3 items, knew there was a 4th, but couldn't remember what it was! That time, he actually got home with all 4 items---it was a big day, I wrote it on the calendar!

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Love my grandkids — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 00:02:58 GMT

My late DH did a great job of shopping. And I wonder what your DH's would say about some of *you*?

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Danky — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 01:14:57 GMT

It is none of the things you mentioned.....it is passive/aggressive behavior. He is probably sick of 50 years of having a note pinned to his shirt as if he were in pre-school. Try a different tact. Make the request simple..when he asks if he can bring something from the store and you answer ice cream, if he says what flavor, say surprise me ! And no matter what he brings home say it is perfect and you are thrilled. If you can't do that, DO IT YOURSELF.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

game-on — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 18:33:44 GMT

Vivian.... I am sorry you feel so upset; I think that the next time he asks you for something you give him something else.

I believe that people "get the message" only when we teach them. I am lucky because my DH usually gets it right, and really tries ....

Remember we teach people how to treat us.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Lynneuk — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 18:49:40 GMT

Reminds me of Ina and Geoffrey Garten. He is a very intelligent, accomplished man but she treats him like a child. When she asks him to do something or pick something up from the store she laughs at his attempts and thinks it is all so cute.

Would drive me nuts!LOL

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

Marienkaefer2 — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 21:02:17 GMT

My take if they don't listen or remember, is that it probably just isn't that important to them.

And they don't have enough patience.

For example, the o.p. wanted a dark shirt. Probably there weren't any dark shirts, or at least they weren't the first ones he saw when he walked in. The bright orange shirts were right up.front, so rather than look around OR ASK someone for help, He just grabbed the first thing he saw, then he's outta there!

He probably doesn't like doing errands and shopping. So he just gets the first thing he sees.

Not all guys are like that.

If he's only just become this way, it might be health related. If he's always been this way, well.....

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

qualitygal — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 23:09:17 GMT

I'm not even reading the OP notes beyond the headliner.

1. They have egos

2. They won't listen, if you don't let them win once and awhile,

3. Remember manners

4. For the remaining years we have left, I intend to make them the best we share for both our sakes.

5. I know any day, either one of us could just be gone. Life is precious, make each day the best.

That's it.

Vivian, Nice of you to think of your doctor. My husband might not be to keen to pick up a present for another guy that way. Men hate to shop. Your husband could be just trying to have good manners, and not really want to shop at all. Next time he politely asks, just say, no thanks dear, I'll shop later. Let go. Life's short.

Re: Why Don't Men Listen?

qualitygal — Wed, 26 Feb 2014 23:20:45 GMT

On 2/26/2014 Lynneuk said:
Reminds me of Ina and Geoffrey Garten. He is a very intelligent, accomplished man but she treats him like a child. When she asks him to do something or pick something up from the store she laughs at his attempts and thinks it is all so cute.

Would drive me nuts!LOL

Maybe we should pretend that we have cameras recording us and what we do. I can't remember beyond 2/3 things. Directions? Forget it. I gotta write it all down. It's hard to remember now a days, with so many things going on and to tend to.