topic Re: Anyone Retire in 2013? in Community Chat

Anyone Retire in 2013?

sfnative — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 01:56:06 GMT

Hi Everyone,

I ask the question, as I retired at the end of May and am interested in knowing how other folks are doing.

Within two months, we had moved to another state to be near DD and SIL, as she was expecting her first child. It was our plan to be a part of this new baby's life. We're now ensconced in a scheduled which includes baby 4 days a week (originally it was to have been 2, then changed to 3, then last minute to 4).

We're not comfortably off, though that was our original plan. Unfortunately, DH suffered from the economic woes of the country and Silicon Valley and was laid off many times, as his engineering positions were high level and those always went first.

Further down the road, we lost our home (long story and not our fault - economy again) - relocated so that he could once again work at the high tech level he excelled at, only to be laid off 2 years later. From then on, he could only get minimum wage jobs.

So, bottom line for me is that I'm grateful that he did have those lofty jobs in Silicon Valley, as he gets max SS. My SS is close to 2/3 of his and I have a tiny pension from working for the feds for 12 years (pays our healthcare, dental and vision).

We haven't been on a vacation in 15 years and won't in the future. And, it's become clear that the drinking I knew my husband did equates to alcoholism. Now that I'm home all the time, I've found him quite controlling, which is very new, and find that some days it's just best if I keep my mouth shut. I've found I really wish I was back at work, though my left knee and low back would tell me otherwise. And recent thoughts bring me to wonder how long I will be able to tolerate this. Yes, we have spoken; but, it has not gone well at all.

My goodness, but this hasn't been the retirement I thought I might enjoy with my husband, grandbaby, needlepoint and books.

Thank you for stopping by.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

Preds — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 02:03:58 GMT

Good luck to both of you and your family. Try to find something .... movies, crafts, hobbies, something that you both can get into. You can love someone and not like them and vise versa. Try to learn about each other and find a place where you can merge. It might be there if you look for it.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

tansy — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 02:14:20 GMT

Do you mean you are babysitting your grandchild four days a week?

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

lulu2 — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 02:16:42 GMT

You've had so many changes in a relatively short amount of time. A combination of any of them would be stressful.

It is quite possible you are suffering from exhaustion. Though we want to be an active part in our children's lives, we need to consider what is best for us. While I'm sure you adore your grandchild and cherish time spent together, taking care of a baby is hard work, particular as we age. Full-time child care is not the same thing as visiting. Maybe your daughter would consider outside child care 2 days a week.

Some YOU time could make a world of difference.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

biancardi — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 02:30:12 GMT

I would suggest finding someone to talk to - a counselor. You've been thru so much and your life is a ticking time b0mb of stress.

retirement is scary nowadays, but you have more on your plate than most people....good luck to you and your family.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

GCR18 — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 04:37:40 GMT

It sounds like you would benefit from counseling. If your husband won't go, go alone. You will grow bitter living a life you didn't choose.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

AngelPuppy1 — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 15:36:48 GMT

You are going through major life changes. Not just one event, but many! Not wonder you are experiencing problems. I cannot even imagine all that you are going through. Just one of these things would be more than enough.

I don't know if this is possible, but can you talk to your daughter and perhaps she could get child care for 1 or 2 days so that you could not have do this so often? It's not that you don't love the child, but this is a lot to handle and must limit you and make you very tired.

Also, I wasn't quite clear -- is your husband home all the time now? If so, I am thinking that the move, and the change in job situation is something that he is not adjusting to well at all either. Men seem (in a lot of cases) to lose their identity when they no longer work and they find themselves floundering as to who they are and what their purpose is. So, he is turning to alcohol more. I would try to have a heart to heart with him and show him that I am sympathetic to him and not be accusatory in any way. Perhaps, he would do well to get a part time job, even if it were just to keep him occupied and give him an outlet. This would also give you 2 some separate time as well.

And lastly, if you do find some time to yourself -- which is sounding like you need --- is there a center near you where you could take a class of some kind -- craft or exercise?

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

sfnative — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 21:58:32 GMT

On 2/16/2014 tansy said: Do you mean you are babysitting your grandchild four days a week?

tansy,

Yes, we're babysitting four days a week. As previously stated, DD started asking about 2, then increased to 3, then 2 weeks before we moved she called to "confirm" that we were babysitting 4 days a week. After discussing this with my husband, we agreed to move ahead with it. I wasn't too thrilled, as I knew there were "things" I wanted to get done or do that would not now be possible.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

RedTop — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:15:04 GMT

I am very sorry to hear your retirement is far from what you had expected. This stage of your life should be happy and relaxing, and sadly what you've described is not fitting that bill. I totally agree with seeking help through counseling; go for yourself first, then work on getting your husband there as well. Wishing you better days ahead.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

sfnative — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:20:35 GMT

Hello Everyone,

I'd like to thank all of you for your very kind remarks, queries and suggestions. Here's some input:

DH fell into semi-retirement out of need and worked a minimum wage job until we moved here in late July. He does not work now and neither do I. I'm unable to work due to a workers' comp injury which resulted in low back surgery and an upcoming left knee replacement in early May. So...we are together 24/7. I do so wish I could get out and take long walks, but my knee and foot prevent this at present. Taking classes: signed up for 3 classes and they were all canceled. Way bad karma! I could not believe it.

Counseling: he will not go. He also needs AA or something like it, but denies he's an alcoholic. He was falling down drunk one night during a stop we made on our way up here in July. Went outside, unbeknownst to me, apparently fell over a parked car and hit his head on the sidewalk. Some concerned folks driving by saw him laying out there, stopped and noted he was out cold and started knocking on doors (we were staying with a friend). So, off we go to the hospital. He's lucky he didn't sustain a hematoma on his brain, but to this day makes light of the whole thing. I'm aware that counseling can do much, but my brain is having a problem wrapping itself around the positive benefits I would receive, while his rehaviors remain the same.

I do "craft" and have several projects going as far as a quilt, needlepoint (x2) and crochet (x3) are concerned. I usually do these (not the quilting) in my recliner (for my back) in front of the TV, which riles my other half. Oh, well.

In the last week, I came to the realization that if I could afford it I'd leave, but I can't due to finances. So, right now I see no light at the end of the tunnel - I'm stuck.

Thank you all again for being so kind and providing me with wonderful input.

-Rebecca

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

RetRN — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:32:50 GMT

I am so sorry to hear how miserable your retirement has been. You probably can't leave due to the financial component. What a shame that your husband doesn't get help for his alcoholism, but that would never happen unless he hits rock bottom. I suspect his health will deteriorate at some point and then you will have that to deal with unless you can get out of this situation before.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

glb613 — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:46:07 GMT

You haven't retired. You've moved to a new location and switched jobs.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

AuntG — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:51:45 GMT

Like others have said, it might get even worse if your DH's drinking starts to take a toll on his health. I sure hope you can find some time to enjoy the things you like.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

rhinovodka — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:56:34 GMT

So sorry you are having a rough time. As others have suggested, please get counseling for yourself. Try to get out of the house if you can for a couple of hours a week, even if it means just going to the library. It also sounds like your daughter is taking a bit advantage of you, perhaps it is time you sat down with her and have a talk, 4 days is a lot for you to babysit. You need time for yourself. Best of luck.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

abbeythe 8th — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:57:32 GMT

On 2/17/2014 sfnative said:
On 2/16/2014 tansy said: Do you mean you are babysitting your grandchild four days a week?

tansy,

Yes, we're babysitting four days a week. As previously stated, DD started asking about 2, then increased to 3, then 2 weeks before we moved she called to "confirm" that we were babysitting 4 days a week. After discussing this with my husband, we agreed to move ahead with it. I wasn't too thrilled, as I knew there were "things" I wanted to get done or do that would not now be possible.

Forgive me for saying this, but your daughter is terribly selfish. She knows you have lower back problems and need to have knee surgery, yet she expects you to take care of an infant 4 days a week.

Sad to say, it sounds like your husband will not go for help unless someone steps in. He is an accident waiting to happen. Surely your daughter does not trust him with the baby.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

Mom2Dogs — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 22:57:54 GMT

I am sorry to read the issues you are having.

My dh and I are together a lot, we are self employed and work together so I do understand the constant being together thing, except we get along....but it is still very difficult to be together all the time. As I have gotten older (ripe age of 59) several of my friends have moved, one has moved permanently to a southern state, the other winters in a warm state and one other friend just retired and will be moving closer to her extended family......it does get lonely when your friends are not around to do things with and it is difficult to make friends as we get older.

The only advice I would give is go to counseling by your self, it certainly cannot hurt, I wish you luck in what ever you decide to do.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

gidgetgh — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 23:27:55 GMT

Forgive me for asking this, but you've kind of put all this information out there, so here goes.

Does your husband drink in your home, during the day, while you're taking care of your grandchild?

I kind of agree with glb613 on this one. You didn't retire. You just changed jobs and you're going to have to work at changing the situation you're in.

I really am so sorry for your situation, but I think you need to make some changes here. If it were me... if I were in your situation, I'd talk to my daughter and tell her she has to find other arrangements for child care. Unless there are some financial issues with her and her husband, she needs to have someone else provide her child care. People will disagree with me on that and that's ok, but you're in a real predicament here. You're not physically 100% and your husband is excessively drinking. I think taking care of a child is too much. Changing that would then give you time to get out and do some things, take a class, volunteer work, whatever you physically are able and are emotionally interested in doing. Give you a break and give you some stimulation.

With your back and knee issues, how are you going to care for a baby 4 days a week?

Again, I'm really sorry for your situation. You've had massive changes. You need to take the bull by the horns here and make some positive changes.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

RedTop — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 00:11:31 GMT

After reading your update, I realize your husband reminds me of my late FIL, and my husband. Dad was in a supervisory position when things first began to change in the coal industry, and when the company began to downsize, he agreed to take retirement for a large severance. The money had been too good of an offer to pass up, but then Dad realized what being retired meant. Having worked since he was young, Dad became bored really quick, and started drinking to fill the void. Drinking resulted in a major change of his attitude and personality, and he became very argumentative and impossible to tolerate. Eventually, he found a hobby to occupy his time, stopped drinking, and became someone we could all live with. My husband lost his job suddenly, and then became disabled due to medical problems. It was very hard for him to adjust to not working, since he viewed his work as his social connection, and had a hard time adjusting to not being in the loop. When his mother began to experience worsening health problems, my husband was available to help her; even lived with her during the last weeks of her life. Once I retired, I was determined to maintain contact with my friends, and I pushed my husband to get out and meet his friends regularly for breakfast or lunch, plus he soon found a group of friends to play cards with several times a month. Being back in the loop and having a group of friends to spend time with regularly has helped my husband deal with all his free time. Please encourage your husband to develop new interests that will fill his void.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

tansy — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 00:16:10 GMT

On 2/17/2014 sfnative said:
On 2/16/2014 tansy said: Do you mean you are babysitting your grandchild four days a week?

tansy,

Yes, we're babysitting four days a week. As previously stated, DD started asking about 2, then increased to 3, then 2 weeks before we moved she called to "confirm" that we were babysitting 4 days a week. After discussing this with my husband, we agreed to move ahead with it. I wasn't too thrilled, as I knew there were "things" I wanted to get done or do that would not now be possible.

As difficult as the talk might be, you need to tell your DD that you can only do two days of child care. I'm sorry you were put in that dilemma.

Re: Anyone Retire in 2013?

birddrops — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 00:17:22 GMT

On 2/17/2014 glb613 said:
You haven't retired. You've moved to a new location and switched jobs.

I agree. I know we love our grandchildren dearly, but we are all not wired to care for them full time. I have serious back problems and had knee surgery a few years ago (not replacement). I don't know how you are doing it, and what will happen as the baby gets bigger?

I don't have any real advice for you. I think you do need to make changes. You are supposed to be enjoying this part of your life. You certainly have my sympathy.