topic Re: Want a separation/divorce in Community Chat

Want a separation/divorce

AbbyK — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:24:42 GMT

I am 59 this year, and married for 36 years. My husband is 65.. I've come to realize that I no longer love my husband. To other people, he's a great guy. He would do anything for anyone, even me. I find I'm so tired of living with him day in and day out. He's semi retired, and I'm asking myself if this is what the next 25 years look like. We have nothing in common anymore. He's always spouting off stupid opinions about everything, which drive me crazy. We live like brother and sister...separate bedrooms as he snores, up multiple times...drove me crazy as I got no asleep. When he suggests going away, I always want our friends to come too. Otherwise I'm bored stupid. When he's away out of town, I relish the time alone. We just barely speak as it is. I am no longer connected to him, and I'm indifferent to him. We have two great kids. I don't even know where to begin to leave...

Re: Want a separation/divorce

PurpleBunny — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:28:37 GMT

Well, I would assume he's not happy either given your apparent disdain for him. Perhaps the place to start is sitting down with him and telling him how you feel. Perhaps he feels the same way and has been looking for an "out" too.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

EmmaBunting — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:31:59 GMT

Honey? Is that you?.....sorry....couldn't resist.

Honestly...I am really, really sorry to hear this, Abby. I went through a bit of a crisis myself a few years ago. I think we all have highs and lows in our marriages. And 36 years is a long time to just throw out the window because your not as connected any more.

My suggestion is to find ways to reconnect. Make improving your marriage your priority. Fix his favorite dish......do something fun together........have a good long talk.

In other words....try to make things better before throwing in the towel. And try to imagine.....I mean....really imagine your life all alone...and see if you still feel the same way.

Once you've given it your all to improve things...and you're still miserable...then it's time to think about separating.

You're not alone, though. Many couples go through what you are going through. I hope you can rekindle at least some of what you found with your husband in the first place. But even if you can't....I hope you can find some joy in your life.

Good luck.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

radimage — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:32:13 GMT

I'm so sorry.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

croemer — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:32:31 GMT

On 2/16/2014 PurpleBunny said: Well, I would assume he's not happy either given your apparent disdain for him. Perhaps the place to start is sitting down with him and telling him how you feel. Perhaps he feels the same way and has been looking for an "out" too.

I have to agree PB.

O/P...do you think with counseling there could be a chance of working it out? Do you feel you guys are living like the best part of life is over? Is it possible to find some common ground and take some time to reconnect? Or are you just over it?

Re: Want a separation/divorce

Catitude — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:34:05 GMT

If you no longer love your husband, start envisioning your life without him and then go from there. If you truly want to be alone what's stopping you?

Re: Want a separation/divorce

bathina — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:34:19 GMT

You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

BellaPaprika — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:34:51 GMT

Sometimes the other partner is quite happy because they're sort of oblivious. They've learned to tune out the negativity and just want to believe it can go on forever. And sometimes it does. This is how many married couples end up - more like brother and sister. Do some people stay "madly in love" for decades? Maybe but I doubt that most do.

And I suspect it's more often the wife who would like to change things but doesn't because as the OP says - where to begin? Now some will tell you that you should "go for it", leave and find true love elsewhere. That's not very realistic. It happens for a few but most older women will find themselves alone if they're suddenly 60 and single. Also much poorer because they'll have half the income with almost the same expenses. Many people just go their separate but together ways and realize that life is not a fairy tale and they are not Cinderella. Enjoy your own interests and share what you can with him. Many older people would be thrilled to have a friend to live with.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

EmmaBunting — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:39:31 GMT

On 2/16/2014 bathina said:
You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

...good advice, bathina...

Re: Want a separation/divorce

bathina — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:42:12 GMT

On 2/16/2014 EmmaBunting said:
On 2/16/2014 bathina said:
You've been married a long time. It's understandable to feel ambivalent toward another person after 24/7 for so long. My opinion- I would start with both of you (especially him) having a physical to determine if some of the stuff- snoring, lack of desire, crotchetiness, can be helped with medical intervention. I would also go to counseling by myself- so I could get it all out and determine if I even want to try. You might find there are more pros than cons to staying together. You might even find you want him to share in the counseling. Couples counseling can be a springboard to a renewed and invigorated relationship. Good luck with what ever you decide.

...good advice, bathina...

:thud: I've fallen and can't get up

Re: Want a separation/divorce

voyager1980 — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:46:19 GMT

Great advice from everybody. All I'll add is to say I'm sorry you're unhappy OP & pray you find a good answer.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

hsawaknow — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:47:53 GMT

I was married over 20 years and we still have a young child. We tried everything, counseling, talking, seperation and now I'm going thru a nasty divorce. Right now he has custody of the kids and ttemporary use of the home. I don't mind being alone or not married what I do mind is not being able to see my children when I want to. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

GCR18 — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:48:03 GMT

You sound like my mother. She was married 49 years when my father passed in 2009. She never would have had the strength to get a divorce, but she felt very similar to you.

IMO realizing it is the first step. Counseling is a good second step to talk it through.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

LilacTree — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:49:01 GMT

I imagine this is not a rare thing. You are bored. You need to tell him the truth, and as PurpleBunny said, be ready to hear he feels the same way.

If you do decide to separate (don't rush into a divorce), make sure you can support yourself. Also, after living all of those years with someone else in the house, make sure you will be able to live alone and like it. The odds are, at your age, you will not meet someone else to have a "romantic" relationship with, if that's what you are thinking.

In other words, be sure of all the negatives, do not expect a whole new exciting life that may not come. If it did, you would be one of the rare lucky ones.

Also, talk to your children. Even adult children will get upset if their parents split. Explain how you feel, and so should he. Sometimes they can be very helpful in decision-making such as this.

I am very empathetic to how you feel. Believe it or not, I felt the same way towards both of my ex-husbands, but at a much, much younger age. I was 35 when I divorced for the second (and last) time. I have been very happy and fulfilled living the single life and have never regretted or missed not living with a man. Some people are just not meant for marriage and I am one of them.

Good luck to you.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

croemer — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:49:50 GMT

On 2/16/2014 hsawaknow said: I was married over 20 years and we still have a young child. We tried everything, counseling, talking, seperation and now I'm going thru a nasty divorce. Right now he has custody of the kids and ttemporary use of the home. I don't mind being alone or not married what I do mind is not being able to see my children when I want to. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

I am sorry to read that. You must feel so upset, best to you that things change.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

heartkeeper — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:51:29 GMT

Where to begin? With an excellent divorce attorney.

Sorry you are going through this, AbbyK.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

EmmaBunting — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:51:35 GMT

On 2/16/2014 hsawaknow said: I was married over 20 years and we still have a young child. We tried everything, counseling, talking, seperation and now I'm going thru a nasty divorce. Right now he has custody of the kids and ttemporary use of the home. I don't mind being alone or not married what I do mind is not being able to see my children when I want to. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Good luck to you, too, hsawaknow. It sounds like you've been through the ringer. You sound like someone who will definitely benefit from being serrated. I'm so sorry about your children, though. I hope the situation improves.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

Cats3000 — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:54:54 GMT

You and he need marital counseling--NOW!!! You all probably should have had it long ago. Before you trash a 36 year relationship, get some professional help. Try to do it together. If he refuses, get it on your own.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

chickenbutt — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 20:55:08 GMT

On 2/16/2014 BlueCollarBabe said:
Sometimes the other partner is quite happy because they're sort of oblivious. They've learned to tune out the negativity and just want to believe it can go on forever. And sometimes it does. This is how many married couples end up - more like brother and sister. Do some people stay "madly in love" for decades? Maybe but I doubt that most do.

And I suspect it's more often the wife who would like to change things but doesn't because as the OP says - where to begin? Now some will tell you that you should "go for it", leave and find true love elsewhere. That's not very realistic. It happens for a few but most older women will find themselves alone if they're suddenly 60 and single. Also much poorer because they'll have half the income with almost the same expenses. Many people just go their separate but together ways and realize that life is not a fairy tale and they are not Cinderella. Enjoy your own interests and share what you can with him. Many older people would be thrilled to have a friend to live with.

I've read all the replies and this one ^ is the one that makes the most sense to me, being the realist that I am.

Re: Want a separation/divorce

hsawaknow — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 21:02:13 GMT

Thank you Emma. It can be hard at times and even scary but my faith and going to therapy is what keeps me going.