topic Re: Purging/How do other widows do this? in Community Chat

Purging/How do other widows do this?

Daysdee — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 01:09:04 GMT

There are other threads about purging the house of items you no longer need and particularly parting with stuff your kids won't want, etc. I was wondering how (what system do you use) many of the other widows part with things that they no longer need because of the extreme lifestyle change when one loses their spouse of many years. I know I will no longer entertain, decorate as much for Christmas, etc. so I do need to part with items. Do you get rid of all the tools that you cannot use? Any discussion will be helpful.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

Bird mama — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 02:49:19 GMT

Daysdee, I consider myself fortunate because I still live in the home I shared with my husband and don't answer to anyone (live alone). This has allowed me to part with items in my own timeline. Our Christmas tree was old so I just placed that to the curb. I donated most of my husbands clothing to the Salvation Army. I am a DIYer so I still have tools in the garage. Some household type things like extra ladders went to my nephews. Some odds and end metal things went to a scrap recycler.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

DCAnnie2004 — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 03:00:44 GMT

I would suggest beginning with things you can donate - it might feel good to help those in need.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

Bird mama — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 03:09:36 GMT

What dc2004 say resonates with me. The clothing that I donated was like new and I donated in his name. We had a huge DVD collection and there were series' I had purchased for my husband that really didn't move me or interest me once he was gone (Sopranos, etc). My local library sells used DVDs and books and the proceeds benefit the library and when I donated easily $300 of DVD movies and series, the librarian was so excited.

It's my way of him living on if that makes any sense.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

GCR18 — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 05:43:43 GMT

When my father passed, we ended up doing a purge. It started with packing up his clothes, personal belongings, chair. We then moved to the cellar and garage. We kept tools, rakes, shovels, lawn mower and things like that that we may use. We moved along 90% of what was down there. We had many trips to the salvation army and a number of dumpsters. My mother wouldn't touch anything in the main floor of the house. So basically we purged my father's things. He's been gone for 4 years and they were married 49 years. She's recently mentioned she wants to get rid of dish sets and bakeware she no longer uses. I think she's ready to do a purge of her "old" life.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

ROMARY — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 06:09:35 GMT

Whenever the person feels like it. As long as the survivor is doing well, moving on, and is in reasonably and fairly good spirits. No use in "pushing" people to dispose of certain items before they are ready. JMO

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

151949 — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 15:18:04 GMT

After my first husband died I was forced for financial reasons to sell and move from our home very quickly so I was forced to downsize into an apartment. That reality made me get rid of things I would normally have held on to for a while longer. Ilet each of the kids keep a few momentos from their Dad and got rid of anything else that was no longer useful.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

Annabellethecat66 — Fri, 07 Feb 2014 03:42:13 GMT

As for me it's not a matter of not wanting to let go of things, it's a matter of not knowing where to start.

I've lived in this house for over 35 years. My husband died several years ago. When he lived here with me it was spotless (no junk). Then I discovered QVC, HSN. I have so much stuff. It's a big house and I have stuff everywhere (not dirty, just stuff).

My best friend came over and helped me organize all of the business papers (we owned several businesses), but I still have so much things it's overwhelming.

I know of a company (they are nationwide) who do things like that, it's just a matter of calling them and getting started.

I think there are a lot of women like us, especially widows who've lived in the same place for a long time.

I have made up my mind as soon as the weather gets warmer, this is it.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

jeanlake — Fri, 07 Feb 2014 03:52:51 GMT

Days -- my heart goes out to you. I haven't been through this, but some friends have. Be brave and take care.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

kittyloo — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 19:15:10 GMT

for me personally, I got rid of most everything. I wanted a fresh new start, that was going to be about my life and me, and not a constant reminder of everything I looked at making me sad. I got new furniture, rearranged it the way I wanted it. clothing gone. before he passed, he had his nephews come, and they took all his sporting equipment. I sold his trucks, and the travel trailer.

we had a really good marriage, and I felt like most of great memories were mine to keep.

I got all new flooring put upstairs, and new double windows put in. the upstairs I turned into a huge dressing room, closet.

I have a cute "chick" pad now. I still miss him like crazy, its just not as fun without him. but, I can't curl up and die either.

i'm doing dog fostering, and they "need" me. I am cursing him everytime I have to hire someone to do some small thing that I could just ask him to fix, but that's the life I was dealt. gotta make it work.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

RedTop — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 20:25:42 GMT

From what I've seen within my own family, everyone handles this differently. My FIL died in 1999, and when my MIL died in 2011, his clothes still hung right beside of hers in their closet, and the chest of drawers was also filled with his clothes. My Dad died in 2004, and all of his clothes are still in the closet and the chest of drawers in the room he slept in. My Mom does not feel a need to dispose of the clothing, and since my Dad was housebound for many years before he died, the things he wore are not worthy of packing up and donating. As for the tools, my MIL kept everything that belonged to my FIL, and my husband and his brothers used the tools when they fixed things around the house. My brothers use my Dad's tools when they fix things for Mom. My husband has already given me specific instructions about the worth of his tools, and what to do with them.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

BellaPaprika — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 21:53:56 GMT

Hire a dumpster. I'm not being flippant. I totally mean it. The kids don't want any of that old stuff. Maybe a small memento or two of value, yes, but not clothes, books, tools, etc.. We have three daughters and a son and they're all about today and tomorrow. Not overly sentimental any of them so if DH goes first it's all going. Personally I think keeping the deceased person's clothing in the closet for years is creepy.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

10grands — Sat, 08 Feb 2014 22:52:25 GMT

I have been a widow over 4 years now - Fairly quickly I donated my Husband's clothing to a homeless shelter. Tools, I kept them I still have my home and if anything needs repaired my family will have the tools here to help with that.

You mentioned Christmas decorations, etc. - when the actual Holiday comes around, maybe you will feel like decorating more than you think right now. If not, then is a good time to see if family wants any of it, if not - again donate to Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc. if it is still in good usable condition.

This is something that only someone who has gone through this loss can relate to and we all handle it in our way and in our own time.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

Pickwickpapers — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 18:02:09 GMT

As a widow myself.......today is the six year anniversary........ The fact that you are questioning is good but there is no set time for anyone...... You will one day wake up and it will be the right day to start reorganizing your life....... For some that is earlier, for some much later and if you want you don't have to reorganize at all. Don't rush into it just take your time.....you will know in your heart when the time is right for you. My prayers and best wishes are with you.

Re: Purging/How do other widows do this?

Another new name Sue — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 19:23:55 GMT

I found it was easier to part with items to be donated when donating them to a local thrift shop which benefited local charities. For example, one thrift shop benefits the hospital. I felt this was more meaningful than just donating to Sal. Army or Goodwill (not that these aren't worthwhile organizations, of course).

For things which should be donated but have personal memories connected they can be kept until you are comfortable with letting them go. As a last gesture, you can take a photo of the things so you can remember them.

Also, gifting things to friends and family is meaningful, even neighbors.

Don't push yourself to get rid of things until you are ready. Remember, you cannot skirt around the slow, painful grieving process. You must walk straight through it.

Deepest condolences on your loss.