topic Re: Disappointed with a friend in Community Chat

Disappointed with a friend

funluvin — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 21:26:07 GMT

Hello all, I just wanted to vent some of my feelings of sadness and disappointment regarding a close friend. The background of the story is we have been friends for about six years. Then, she moved away to another state about a year ago. I've tried to maintain the friendship by calling her once a week to check in and see how she's doing. Yes, I've told her about what's been going on with me too - but the main focus of my phone calls are always been about what's going on in her life (with her kids , husband, career etc..). The reason I am so upset, is that I've noticed that I am the one always reaching out to her. So, over the last month I've decided not to call her to see if she would reach out to me. Of course, she did not and that's the problem. I am not trying to be immature about this situation but I think a relationship needs to work both ways. I know most advice would say contact her and tell her how I feel. But I think that defeats the purpose. I don't think her phone calls to me should have to be solicited by me... Another words, she should contact me because she's interested in speaking with me about her life & mine...because she really wants to not because I am telling her to do so. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Yuban3 — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 21:50:22 GMT

Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime.

She's in a new place, with a new life with new things going on in her life.

Chalk it up to the friendship having run its course.

If she contact you, she contacts you.

If not, the friendship wasn't meant to be.

If you keep calling her, you are the one who looks clingy and needy.

She might be ready for the friendship to end, and her not calling you is her subtle way of trying to get you to realize that.

It's time to move on.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

funluvin — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 22:28:30 GMT

Yuban ITA - the "ball is in her court". I am not going to continue to pursue the friendship with her. Life goes on and I have other friends with whom to talk and spend my time. However, the loss of a friendship or potential loss of the friendship still is upsetting. Thanks for your reply.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Lakk — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 22:39:58 GMT

My cousin went through something similar when she retired. She had worked with a lady for 30 years and when she retired they agreed they would go out to eat once every week or two. My cousin would call and they agreed on a place and time, the other lady would always call and cancel at the last minute. After the third time my cousin stopped calling her and moved on. They live in a real small town and see each other, they speak and they're friendly to each other but that's it. In your situation I would just forget about it and I wouldn't call her anymore.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

goodstuff — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 23:15:14 GMT

I'm sorry the changes in your relationship with your friend are painful for you -- but such changes are not unusual. In fact, most friendships change over time, wax and wane, and sometimes end or become less active -- especially when one party to the relationship moves far away, marries or remarries, takes up new hobbies and groups, changes churches or jobs, etc. I'm sure you've been a good friend, but there's really nothing you can or should do to try to prop up or "force" a friendship that has run its course. Lives, interests, personal needs, and relationships change over time, and sometimes it's best just to let go and move on. No need to resent your friend or blame yourself. Instead, work on accepting that your friend's life is growing in a new direction. Be thankful for the good times you shared over the years, and understand that relationships often don't continue unchanged forever. Perhaps it's time for you to cultivate some new activities and relationships for yourself with people who are better in sync with who you are and what you're doing now.

Best of luck with moving on to new and better things.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Mom2Dogs — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 23:52:17 GMT

I am going thru the same thing with a cousin that I 'found' after many years of no contact. I made the initial contact via phone (she was happy to hear from me) and we exchanged emails, I emailed and to be honest I am wordy.... BUt I get about a 3 line note back, grrrr. I did not contact her after a couple of these types of messages, then in 2014 I tried again, sent her an email not overly wordy this time and asked if she was OK and did she still want to keep in touch, she said 'yes' along with about 2 lines of text.....I am not emailing any more until I hear from her first...I don't want to chase her.

I'd probably not call or have any contact with your friend until you hear from you, if you don't hear from her you know she really is not interested in keeping up the friendship

...I am going to take my own advice, ha!

Re: Disappointed with a friend

DottieBlue — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 00:22:59 GMT

On 1/31/2014 Yuban3 said:
Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime.

She's in a new place, with a new life with new things going on in her life.

Chalk it up to the friendship having run its course.

If she contact you, she contacts you.

If not, the friendship wasn't meant to be.

If you keep calling her, you are the one who looks clingy and needy.

She might be ready for the friendship to end, and her not calling you is her subtle way of trying to get you to realize that.

It's time to move on.

Excellent advice. Well said.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

circles — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 01:52:27 GMT

On 1/31/2014 DeltaOne said:
On 1/31/2014 Yuban3 said:
Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime.

She's in a new place, with a new life with new things going on in her life.

Chalk it up to the friendship having run its course.

If she contact you, she contacts you.

If not, the friendship wasn't meant to be.

If you keep calling her, you are the one who looks clingy and needy.

She might be ready for the friendship to end, and her not calling you is her subtle way of trying to get you to realize that.

It's time to move on.

<br />

Excellent advice. Well said.

I agree....Yuban...excellent advice....

Re: Disappointed with a friend

funluvin — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 04:54:42 GMT

""Thank you"" to all those who replied.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Group 5 minus 1 — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 17:41:26 GMT

I thought I had a friendship to last a lifetime. (69 years) Our Mothers were pregnant w/us when they moved next door. Through so much we have remained friends. She lives 300 miles away but we still call, write and stuff like that. The other night she called me and she was drunk. DH and I talked to her for 2 hours but it was hard because she kept repeating herself.

Said some really mean things. I was concerned about suicide so we called two friends of hers that lived near by. After talking to them we realized she has done this before. I would never turn her away but I feel like the friendship is done.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Yardlie — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 19:37:22 GMT

I'm sorry things aren't working out as you would like them in this friendship. For me, phone calls once a week are too much. I don't know how long you talk, but I don't like long conversations. Maybe your friend will just contact you periodically when she has something really exciting to tell you. I don't think she is snubbing you. She's probably just got a lot going on in her life right now in the new city with her children, husband, job, etc.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Snowpuppy — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 20:07:05 GMT

I am the guilty friend who moved away.

I always said I was going to relocate when I retired but went thru a bad breakup a few years ago and decided it was time. Long before retirement.

I kept up my end, phone calls, emails, cards. or a small gift at the holidays. After a few years people drifted off. When I no longer got a response to a Christmas card and wrapped gift I realized I didn't mean anything and they had closed their door to me.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

qualitygal — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 20:21:13 GMT

Personally, I think it happens to more people than you think. It does depend on the people involved, sometimes you get those lasting relationships. I think more times than not, people get busy with their everyday lives, and those right there around them. I think it's common.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

jeanlake — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 22:24:46 GMT

Just by your nic, funluvin, I can tell your friends are important to you. I do believe this happens often, as another person posted. It's an opportunity to make life changes. I hope, by chatting with us, that you've been able to resist contacting your friend. Give her space. I know it stings.

I have a friend who slips away every time she makes life changes -- became a widow, got divorced, dating new guys. She immerses herself in her new environment until it doesn't work for her anymore and she comes back to old friends. Of course, you or I wouldn't do that. That's why I've had to not be so available to her as I used to.

I do think time will heal your sting. You've learned something about friendship -- that you are a good friend! Some people -- not so much. Let her go

Re: Disappointed with a friend

jeanlake — Sat, 01 Feb 2014 22:33:32 GMT

On 2/1/2014 Bungo said:
I thought I had a friendship to last a lifetime. (69 years) Our Mothers were pregnant w/us when they moved next door. Through so much we have remained friends. She lives 300 miles away but we still call, write and stuff like that. The other night she called me and she was drunk. DH and I talked to her for 2 hours but it was hard because she kept repeating herself.

Said some really mean things. I was concerned about suicide so we called two friends of hers that lived near by. After talking to them we realized she has done this before. I would never turn her away but I feel like the friendship is done.

Bungo, how disappointing for you. She sounds tortured.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

funluvin — Sun, 02 Feb 2014 01:23:54 GMT

On 2/1/2014 ury said:
Just by your nic, funluvin, I can tell your friends are important to you. I do believe this happens often, as another person posted. It's an opportunity to make life changes. I hope, by chatting with us, that you've been able to resist contacting your friend. Give her space. I know it stings.

I have a friend who slips away every time she makes life changes -- became a widow, got divorced, dating new guys. She immerses herself in her new environment until it doesn't work for her anymore and she comes back to old friends. Of course, you or I wouldn't do that. That's why I've had to not be so available to her as I used to.

I do think time will heal your sting. You've learned something about friendship -- that you are a good friend! Some people -- not so much. Let her go

Thanks ury and others for your kind, supportive & constructive advice.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

hckynut — Sun, 02 Feb 2014 06:58:49 GMT

Doesn't sound like a friend to me and in my opinion you have lost,at best, an associate and nothing more. Don't take it so seriously. I've had many that I've known for decades that are exactly the same way your have described this person.

They were my friend and now they are just people I've known in my past. Like everything else in my life I choose to roll with the punches life throws my way and you might try this and see if it works for you.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

haddon9 — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 08:36:36 GMT

I wouldn't write her off just yet...it's possible that she's just not the type who needs to talk every week and want to remain in contact often. Why not get in touch in a few months instead? You would have more to talk about too.

I have a very close friend who lived in the house behind me and retired to Fl. (I'm in Pa). I knew when she moved I would miss her terribly!! I spoke with her often in the beginning but we now talk once every few months and that's fine. She comes up here twice a year and during that time she sees various friends including me. I usually have one on one time with her like going out to breakfast or some shopping and we also get together for dinner with our husbands. We also go out with a group of friends when she's here for a week or so. I plan on going to Florida soon and hope to see her. When we do get together it's just like old times and we have a lot of fun. She knows I miss her but that's just the way things are.

So maybe you can continue your friendship but just don't come across as too needy with her which might be the case if you're the one calling every week. Let some time pass like your'e doing now and wait a few months...see how she responds and sounds to you after you haven't spoken for a while. She may be genuinely glad to hear from you...but there are some friendships that aren't meant to last forever. There is a chance she might not be interested anymore.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

123SuzyQ123 — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 19:29:21 GMT

You are not alone. I worked with a lady for over 30 years. We sat side by side at work, shared everything at work and shared our personal lives as well. I would have NEVER thought that we would lose our friendship, but it did happen.

I moved 1500 miles away, but we stayed in touch by phone and emails for the first year. Now it has been over a year since I heard from her. I miss our chats and the sharing of our lives. I miss everything about her, her laugh, her wisdom, her positiveness.

But she still works and I am retired now, so I try not to email her at work because she is a supervisor and very busy, as well as having a very busy personal life. I miss her with all my heart sometimes.

But there are more of us than you would think who lost long friendships over time. Good luck to you, OP. You have received some good advice to move on.

Re: Disappointed with a friend

Hoovermom — Mon, 03 Feb 2014 19:52:23 GMT

I have a friend like that also and it is sad. Our lives were mingled together for years until she had to go back to work a couple of years ago. I tried to keep it going but it was always what she could fit into her schedule coupled with her 9 year old son's activities. Being an empty nester I just need some time away from the interruptions during visits of her son. I know that sounds a little selfish but I have moved from that phase of my life. Anyway, I quit calling and have not seen her in over a year. Just the other day she texted me telling me how much she missed our sweet relationship and wanted to get together for coffee. During this absence my life has taken on new "challenge" and I am out of town an awful lot. Sadly, I did not respond.