topic WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER in Community Chat

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

zitawins — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 20:42:57 GMT

Hi! I am wondering if anyone else has encountered this situation: I have known this person for twenty years, but the friendship isn't there anymore. Just a stale exchange every six months or so. She insists upon giving me Christmas and birthday gifts so I feel obligated to do the same. Our lives simply have taken different paths and I don't get anything out of our exchanges.

I have tried not contacting her (it's always by email), but then a note witll pop up in my feed from her. Don't want to ghost her but what other solution is there? I can't point to any one cause recently, but there have been in the past, on which I confronted her.

I would appreciate any comments from Forum readers. TIA

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

lgfan — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 20:50:09 GMT

@zitawins wrote:
Hi! I am wondering if anyone else has encountered this situation: I have known this person for twenty years, but the friendship isn't there anymore. Just a stale exchange every six months or so. She insists upon giving me Christmas and birthday gifts so I feel obligated to do the same. Our lives simply have taken different paths and I don't get anything out of our exchanges.

I have tried not contacting her (it's always by email), but then a note witll pop up in my feed from her. Don't want to ghost her but what other solution is there? I can't point to any one cause recently, but there have been in the past, on which I confronted her.

I would appreciate any comments from Forum readers. TIA

I would be upfront with her and say that you don't want to continue the friendship because the two of you no longer have much in common. If she continues to give you gifts just thank her but do not get her anything. Maybe she will take the hint and stop bothering you.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

RetRN — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 20:51:44 GMT

You can do one of two things, either tell her the friendship is no longer there or simply ignore her. You either want to continue in the relationship or you don't.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Kachina624 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 20:53:10 GMT

@zitawins. This has come up here before. First, I'd call or email her and tell her that, since you no longer know each other's wants or needs, you feel you should no longer exchange gifts, postage is so high, yada, yada. From then on, it will be easy to gradually drop her or limit your contact to a cyber "Merry Christmas".

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

stevieb — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:03:13 GMT

I guess I'm different, if the 'friendship' amounts to exchange of emails a couple of times a year, is that really so onerous? Perhaps the friendship means more to her than it does to you. As for the gifts, suggest you limit it to one or the other, either Christmas or Birthdays but not both and then, over time, let that fade away as well if that's your choice. Unless someone has no redeemeing traits, I'm not one to burn bridges.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

GingerHead — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:04:32 GMT

@zitawins

Maybe a little different but we have a family (my DH and I) friend like that. We don't particularly get anything out of the relationship or chose to hang out with him but he contacts us from time to time and invites himself over every once in awhile. I think he's pretty lonely.

While we don't get anything out of the relationship we feel that he must and that's reason enough for us to hang out with him. The relationship isn't something that we choose but it's not like it's a huge hardship for us to continue to see him from time to time.

I guess you need to decide if what sounds like the limited time and effort spent on this relationship is worth it to you....maybe you don't get anything out of it but it sounds like she does...

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Marsha2003 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:12:27 GMT

Sometimes, close friendships become more distant for many reasons. My relationship with my very best friend ever has slowly become less close over the years. However, I still try to call every six months or so and I do send a Christmas gift without any expectation of a return gift. Looking at it from my side, I would be sad if she told me she never wanted to hear from me again.

I guess you have to decide how bothersome it really is to maintain at least a minimal contact, but certainly it's reasonable to suggest that the gift exchange stop.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

LTT1 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:15:42 GMT

@zitawins @stevieb @GingerHead @Kachina624 @RetRN

I know a woman who is trying to stop a friend from giving her gifts.

The issue, for her, is that the "friend" is gift-giving with ulterior motives.

Mainly, this person refuses to honor the request to NOT GIVE GIFTS.

This "friend" shows behaviors of trying to "control" this lady

in other words, using the friendship to serve selfish needs. So, not really a "true friend".

In fact, the other lady wants the one I know to feel a sense of OBLIGATION.

So, in your situation, I agree with other posters here who advise being upfront and telling them, difficult as this seems.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Cakers3 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:29:46 GMT

@stevieb wrote:
I guess I'm different, if the 'friendship' amounts to exchange of emails a couple of times a year, is that really so onerous? Perhaps the friendship means more to her than it does to you. As for the gifts, suggest you limit it to one or the other, either Christmas or Birthdays but not both and then, over time, let that fade away as well if that's your choice. Unless someone has no redeemeing traits, I'm not one to burn bridges.

@stevieb I agree with you. Your assessment and suggestions are very valid.

@zitawins You said you had to confront her in the past and it sounds more about whatever caused that situation than a few emails.

Perhaps she is doing her best and since we do not know what role you have always played all those years (two sides to every story) I'm just not so quick to dismiss her completely.

I feel "ghosting" someone is rude, too.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

redbird — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:53:55 GMT

Simply email her and tell her that you are having to make a few budget cuts so would prefer not to exchange gifts anymore. Then when she sends you an email don't be in a rush to respond and when you do answer briefly. Don't include much about your life at all except maybe a mention of keeping busy without any details.It doesn't sound like you have much if any in person contact so keeping her at bay should be easy. If she does want to meet up just be busy.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Janey2 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 21:55:33 GMT

@zitawins When she sends you a gift I would thank her, but not give her anything in return. Maybe a card if it will bother you. This might have her rethink the friendship herself. When she emails you I would answer with a I am busy now, but will get back to you. But do not get back to her.

Before you do anything have some answers ready because she might confront you.

Also, if any change will keep you up at night just let the friendship continue as it is.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Zhills — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:03:12 GMT

Why pour water on the coals? Friendships become scarce as we get older. Why would you just choose to end one?

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

kitcat51 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:12:12 GMT

When my husband died many of my married women friends were distant....I was a widow, a disease they didn't want to catch so from experience...don't make it about gifts don't ignore her, just be blunt about not having anything in common & end it.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Trix — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:13:15 GMT

@zitawins Although the closeness of the friendship has diminished for you, perhaps it is still solid and important to your friend. If she opts to send Christmas and birthday gifts, just say thanks. I have a friend whom I have known for more than 40 years. We no longer live in the same state and our lives have taken different paths, but we still talk on the phone and email regularly. Maybe once a year there is a reason for one of us to be in the other's neck of the woods and we can have an in-person visit. He is not a gift-giving type of person, but I send him a Christmas gift without fail and each sends a birthday card to the other. This has always been a platonic friendship and it is important to me. It doesn't matter that he does not send me a Christmas gift. I will always send him one, and it would break my heart if he ever said stop. Your friend could have similar feelings about your friendship.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

KittySoftPaws — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:22:34 GMT

@Zhills I agree with you. I just recently moved away and my one of my very good friends, while happy for me, as always, just couldn't believe I was leaving. I moved from the East Coast to Florida. She said "twenty years" indicating how long we have been friends and now I am leaving that. I told her we can still talk and see each other once in a while, and she replied, "it's not the same." When I first got here she texted me and said, "you really aren't coming back?" and I said no. My other friend who we always hung out with, we were the three amigos, she and I talk quite frequently and she said that she thinks it's because she has lived there all her life and she has never had a friend move away. I can't imagine living in the same place all my life. Anyway, it has been hard because we were very close and she has not called once since Iv'e been here and only texted a couple of times. It feels as if we were never friends now. I am not going to pursue it because I don't ask people to be in my life, and I don't want or need a one sided relationship. It's just strange. I can only guess she is dealing with the loss her own way and feels this is the best way for her. Either way, I feel the loss too. We had mentioned maybe taking a girl's trip with the three of us, but with us all still working and life in general, it's unlikley.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

RedTop — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:33:42 GMT

My experience has been that when you get that deep down feeling the link between you is gone, then the friendship really has run its course.

I reached that point several years ago with a friend of 55+ years. Her last visit here was quite different and left me feeling totally disconnected to her. I no longer wanted to be her WV friend and connection to her first 9 years of life. I let go with nary a regret.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

jannabelle1 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:53:37 GMT

I'd be honest and start by telling her that you no longer wish to exchange gifts - period. If you feel you need an excuse you can use the cost of gifts and postage, or just tell her that you're trying to downsize.

Regarding the friendship, nothing wrong with an occasional email update if you want, but just ending the gift exchange will most likely do a lot to impact the friendship.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

Sooner — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 22:59:06 GMT

It is legitimate to say that you are cutting down on gifting for a number of reasons at this point, so you want to stop exchanging gifts.

That shouldn't be offensive to someone. If it is, and she ends any communication, that's on her not you. If you don't communicate back, then let it all go and don't bother with it. You can't control what others do, but you can control what you do.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

DSD2 — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 23:12:58 GMT

@stevieb wrote:
I guess I'm different, if the 'friendship' amounts to exchange of emails a couple of times a year, is that really so onerous? Perhaps the friendship means more to her than it does to you. As for the gifts, suggest you limit it to one or the other, either Christmas or Birthdays but not both and then, over time, let that fade away as well if that's your choice. Unless someone has no redeemeing traits, I'm not one to burn bridges.

You expressed this wisely and thoughtfully. Always try to be kind...The day may come that she finds friendships faltering and rue the day she purposely cut her ties.

Re: WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS OVER

781Florist — Wed, 24 Jul 2024 23:35:07 GMT

I saw the essay about friends that are in our lives for "a reason, a season or a lifetime" about five years ago and it helped me to put the question of "where did it go...." comfortably away... and helped me to understand that some friendships serve a time and a purpose in our lives and then gradually fade and disappear as we evolve in life.

The friends that have lasted through the (many!!) decades of my life come from all phases of my life. Childhood, college, young adulthood... and I feel the bond and the love from them regardless of distance or proximity, or the length of time between our interaction.

The people that have been important to me while passing through my life may no longer share the bonds of closeness with me, but their footprints are still all over my heart and memory and I will carry them fondly with me forever.

If your "friend" seems more invested in the relationship than you are I would suggest that for the sake of what once was.....be kind. Answering an e-mail is really not such an imposition, is it? You could also continue to send birthday and holiday wishes in e-mails. They cost nothing, consume very little of your time, and probably

would bring a smile and a moment of happiness to your "friend".

After a few occasions where your best wishes are unaccompanied by actual gifts I am pretty sure that a

tactful and gentle message will have been delivered.

Some people take a little longer than others to realize that their reason or their season is over.