topic Re: Should I stop sending flowers? in Community Chat

Should I stop sending flowers?

Trailrun23 — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 21:33:24 GMT

I have lost four friends within the past three months. One was the mother of my daughter in-law who lived out of state. The others were dear friends and I know their children who are in their 40's or 50's. I sent a beautiful plant to all of the funerals or to the family home. I never received any acknowledgment of any of them. I know they were delivered since I attended the services or I saw them in photos of the service. Is sending flowers or plants to a funeral no longer considered proper! I spent hundreds on these and thought it was a show of compassion and respect. I guess thank-yours are just no longer in style. So you ever send flowers or plants to funerals or to a home where they have had a loss?

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

sunshine45 — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 21:41:35 GMT

i either send a planter (dish garden, canoe basket, live single plant) OR donate to their charity of choice. other times i take a cooked meal if they are interested.

i honestly dont expect a thank you because sometimes it is quite difficult when someone is grieving to have to write letters or send cards to those who have reached out. sometimes i get a card, sometimes a phone call, sometimes a text or email, sometimes nothing at all.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Zwervend — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 21:49:52 GMT

I do not send flowers/plants. Where they go/who gets them after the services is just one more thing that the family has to deal with, and the flowers die within a week or so. When both of my parents and my sister died, we specifically requested that people NOT send flowers.

I wait until I see the obituary and then make a memorial donation to any charity that may be listed. If no charity is listed, I simply send a condolence card with a handwritten note of sympathy.

Regardless, IMHO thank you's should be sent for flowers, donations, etc. In reality, that doesn't always happen.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

PA Mom-mom — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 21:52:07 GMT

@Trailrun23 I don't understand why you didn't get an acknowledgement. Our funeral director usually saves the cards from the flowers before they donate them to local retirement homes, etc. Even so, we usually have someone from the family make a note of all the arrangements sent to the funeral. As part of the funeral package, we get about 50 thank you cards for us to send out. So, yes, you should have received thank you notes.

As suggested, maybe a contribution would be better. There is usually a streamlined notification to the family of the contribution. Sometimes the obit will state no flowers, so that might be an issue.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

ECBG — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 21:53:21 GMT

Yes, a thank you is certainly correct; an exception for time might be an "untimely" passing may take longer (like a child) because of the untimely circumstance.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Trailrun23 — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 21:54:42 GMT

I usually send peace lilies or another plant basket arrangement since they last and can be used in a family member's home as a memory of their loved one. I have a peace Lily that was sent when I loss my mother 10 years ago. I have it thriving in my breakfast room and love seeing it each day. I guess I am more old-fashioned than most, but will probably just stop sending anything. Maybe a card. I do make donations to charities or to a church when I know their areas of interest.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Scooby Doo — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:07:30 GMT

I think that expecting a hand written thank you card in the mail is a thing of the past. It can cost lots of money to do so. The price of a stamp just went up to 68 cents. If you have a bunch to send that would add up. However, I think a courtesy email or at least a text would be in order. I wouldn't expect a phone call either for whatever reason. The times, they are a changin'.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Sooner — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:12:52 GMT

@Trailrun23 wrote:
I have lost four friends within the past three months. One was the mother of my daughter in-law who lived out of state. The others were dear friends and I know their children who are in their 40's or 50's. I sent a beautiful plant to all of the funerals or to the family home. I never received any acknowledgment of any of them. I know they were delivered since I attended the services or I saw them in photos of the service. Is sending flowers or plants to a funeral no longer considered proper! I spent hundreds on these and thought it was a show of compassion and respect. I guess thank-yours are just no longer in style. So you ever send flowers or plants to funerals or to a home where they have had a loss?

@Trailrun23 Frankly, having been involved in the responsibilities of funerals a number of times, I always wished people wouldn't send them.

I always had more than I could manage to deal with, and then come plants that you have to take care of, send thank-you's for, give them away, or watch them die. But that's me. Not speaking for anyone else.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

on the bay — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:14:38 GMT

@Trailrun23,

First I'm so sorry for your loss of 4 friends in 3 months. That is a lot of loss to have.

My thoughts are, they usually say "in lieu of flowers," pls make a donation or etc etc. so I'm sure that was not the case here.

2nd, I think it sometimes takes much longer to send thank you cards than 3 months.

The third is, were you close to your friend's families? Sometimes even when we have a friend we are very close to, if not for many years and getting to know their families, they might not have sent you a card.

I think I am always amazed when people do send thank yous after a funeral or memorial. I know I have but also called people and actually most of the people who sent anything were also at the memorial because they were close to all of us.

I think it was a heartfelt thing you did and that should bring you comfort.It was a good thing to do.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Kachina624 — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:19:44 GMT

@Trailrun23. There's another thread here today on the subject of the lack of thank yous for gifts.

Yes, the younger generation is either too lazy or socially inept to know they should be sent.

The consensus was quit sending them.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

RedTop — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:22:18 GMT

I no longer send flowers for deaths. Flowers are quite expensive so I will send them for birthdays or get well situations, as I want people to enjoy them. I find other ways to express my sympathy; local people in my area want donations to their church, animal shelter, food pantry, scholarship fund, etc. It is rare for a local obituary not to name a recipient for donations.

When a close friends mother passed, I purchased a beautiful lantern from the florist and had it delivered to the funeral home for her. I also buy restaurant gift cards to put inside sympathy cards for close friends.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

chrystaltree — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:29:02 GMT

I don't because as you said it's incredibly expensive. If I am very close to the family, I send a plant to the home. However these days families usually ask for charitable donations in lieu of flowers. When my mom passed; the family and her best friends chose the flowers. We knew what she liked and what she would want. My mom was cremated. I was totally unaware that others had sent flowers until two days later when the funeral director called to ask if we were going to come for the flowers or if they should destroy them. Flowers were the last thing on my mind. We had requested contributions to the Children's Hospital in lieu of flowers. The urn arrived in a box a couple of weeks later and we didn't open it for awhile. It hurt too much. When we did, we saw that the cards that accompanied the flowers were in the box. About six months later, the hospital sent a list of people who donated in my mom's memory. Just the names, not amounts. We sent thank you notes to each of them and to the people who had sent flowers. So it was close to a year before people received acknowledgements.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Burnsite — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:31:12 GMT

When my father died, we suggested that the people at graveside should take the ones they might like. (Imagine a blurred rush, as in an old Filenes basement sale).

There were so many remaining, however (deservedly, he was much loved) that we took the rest back to the nursing home where he had been cared for in his last days, to share with the staff and patients.The staff had been exceptionally kind; he was a small town doctor and they had known him all their lives..

When a friend dies, I generally write something on Legacy (partly so I can preserve particular memories) and donate to any suggested charity.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

candys mine — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:31:02 GMT

If I send flowers to someones funeral, it is to express my sympathy to that persons loved ones and even as a final gift to the departed themselves, Not to recieve a grieving familys thanks.

Doation to charity is a worthy memorial.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

ScrapHappy — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:31:46 GMT

I do send flowers for the funeral. It's 50/50 if I receive acknowledgement. Recently a very good friends father passed (out of state). Arrangements were made quickly and services too. Had no time to send flowers. I sent a Wolfermans gift directly to my friend.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

ECBG — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:43:37 GMT

@Scooby Doo wrote:
I think that expecting a hand written thank you card in the mail is a thing of the past. It can cost lots of money to do so. The price of a stamp just went up to 68 cents. If you have a bunch to send that would add up. However, I think a courtesy email or at least a text would be in order. I wouldn't expect a phone call either for whatever reason. The times, they are a changin'.

@Scooby Doo

ITA.

I remember when my grandmother passed in the 1990's.

My grandfather wanted me to write thank you notes for cards! I was teaching full time and rearing 2 boys. I told him people don't write a thank you for a card.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

Ainhisg — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:46:41 GMT

@Zwervend wrote:
I do not send flowers/plants. Where they go/who gets them after the services is just one more thing that the family has to deal with, and the flowers die within a week or so. When both of my parents and my sister died, we specifically requested that people NOT send flowers.

I wait until I see the obituary and then make a memorial donation to any charity that may be listed. If no charity is listed, I simply send a condolence card with a handwritten note of sympathy.

Regardless, IMHO thank you's should be sent for flowers, donations, etc. In reality, that doesn't always happen.

I could have written this response. I agree 100%! We did the same thing when my mom passed away. In the obituary, we listed two separate charities to which donations could be given instead of wasting the money on flowers that are dead in a week! And my sister and I sat down and wrote thank you notes to every single person who sent flowers or donated. That was the least we could do.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

KBEANS — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 22:59:12 GMT

I continue to send flowers to family and close friends. The funeral parlor looks so lonely and drab as it is, and the flowers and plants really bring a warm and lovely touch.

I have always received a thank you everytime. As a matter of fact, I have received thank yous with a memory card of the deceased, for giving a Mass card, or just attending.

There is usually a sign in book and you are directed to sign because you may be missed because of the distressing situation.

I wouldn't be offended if I didn't receive a thank you. The family is, and will be distraught, so it is understandable.

That being said; I started the task the next day and hand wrote a sentiment to everyone who attended. It was very cathartic and reflective for me.

In my woe, I remember doing that, even though I would have preferred to let my sister do it for me, when she offered.

I thought everyone who acknowledged my family member should also be acknowledged!

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

ByrdieK — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 23:06:13 GMT

When my husband passed away we got many beautiful flowers, wind chimes, and planters. I did send thank you notes, but I must admit it was very hard to accomplish while dealing with grief and the paperwork etc after a death. I would give them some time, 3 months isn't a long time when a person is dealing with so many things.

I also found that the florists did not include the givers address on the cards. It was very hard to find addresses for people that weren't in our family or close friends. Business associates etc were very generous, but I didn't know where to send the cards. It caused me angst trying to get a proper thank you to givers.

Charities, however, did send a nice list with names and addresses. It was so helpful.

So, there are more variables than poor manners. It is an extremely trying time and just know that your flowers honoring their loved one was appreciated.

Re: Should I stop sending flowers?

sunshine45 — Fri, 12 Jan 2024 23:13:11 GMT

@Trailrun23 wrote:
I have lost four friends within the past three months. One was the mother of my daughter in-law who lived out of state. The others were dear friends and I know their children who are in their 40's or 50's. I sent a beautiful plant to all of the funerals or to the family home. I never received any acknowledgment of any of them. I know they were delivered since I attended the services or I saw them in photos of the service. Is sending flowers or plants to a funeral no longer considered proper! I spent hundreds on these and thought it was a show of compassion and respect. I guess thank-yours are just no longer in style. So you ever send flowers or plants to funerals or to a home where they have had a loss?

@Trailrun23

your daughter in law or even son/daughter didnt even mention your flowers for her mother directly to you?