topic Re: I’m Too Nice in Community Chat

I’m Too Nice

Jordan2 — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 21:51:22 GMT

I'm too nice and need to be deprogrammed! I was raised to be polite, kind, just be a good citizen, it seems people aren't like that anymore and it's a negative that I am. I work in a school with young children, I am always the first one who is given additional work (if they are shorthanded I always get the extra classes). They know I'll do it, I never say no to anything. If the kids need tissues and band aids who do the kids and other adults ask me because they know I'm responsible and will have them. I know a lot of the fault lies in me that I let them pretty much take advantage of me. It's just not in my nature to be mean, not helpful, helping when I can. I do hate myself for being this way but it is hard to change when you have been a certain way your whole life. I probably should speak to a therapist as to why I can't change my ways.

Re: I’m Too Nice

bikerbabe — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 21:55:23 GMT

Just sending a hug and to say you can still be kind and thoughtful while setting boundaries and saying “No”.

Maybe it stems from needing to be liked and lower self-esteem? It was for me.

Re: I’m Too Nice

OKPrincess — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 21:58:16 GMT

Because we were raised to be polite, respect authority, address adults as Mrs, Mr, or Miss.

We can't raise children as our parents raised us because that world no longer exists.

I can't change even if I wanted to change.

Re: I’m Too Nice

CelticCrafter — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 22:00:47 GMT

Only you can allow yourself to be a door mat.

Saying no doesn't mean you aren't nice or kind or polite.

Re: I’m Too Nice

Effie54 — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 21:59:53 GMT

@Jordan2 wrote:
I'm too nice and need to be deprogrammed! I was raised to be polite, kind, just be a good citizen, it seems people aren't like that anymore and it's a negative that I am. I work in a school with young children, I am always the first one who is given additional work (if they are shorthanded I always get the extra classes). They know I'll do it, I never say no to anything. If the kids need tissues and band aids who do the kids and other adults ask me because they know I'm responsible and will have them. I know a lot of the fault lies in me that I let them pretty much take advantage of me. It's just not in my nature to be mean, not helpful, helping when I can. I do hate myself for being this way but it is hard to change when you have been a certain way your whole life. I probably should speak to a therapist as to why I can't change my ways.

This is called sensitivity and empathy. You are rare indeed! Those are admirable, amazing traits to have. Don't change...no need to. You sound like one darn sweet person who actually cares. Now that's valuable!!

Re: I’m Too Nice

colleena — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 22:00:23 GMT

@Jordan2 I'm 71 & didn't learn to say no until probably 10 years ago. Like you I was always given more work, assigned the extra duties, expected to do more because I did it. Because of some other things going on in my life at that time I wasn't able to do it all so had to say no & boy was that not expected/appreciated but for me it was okay.

I wonder if you could start out slowly & say no once in awhile to see how it feels and then go from there. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Re: I’m Too Nice

Jordan2 — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 22:16:11 GMT

@bikerbabe wrote:
Just sending a hug and to say you can still be kind and thoughtful while setting boundaries and saying “No”.

Maybe it stems from needing to be liked and lower self-esteem? It was for me.

@bikerbabe you nailed it! I am a people pleaser, with low self esteem who wants to be liked. I did complain about something recently, I was told just do it and to be a team player( which I am). I don't say anything because it doesn't help anyway.

Re: I’m Too Nice

Natureluvr — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 22:16:43 GMT

@Jordan2 ~ I think some traits can be considered positive or negative depending on the situation at hand. You sound like a very kind person and unfortunately some people take advantage of that.

I’ve always been a “people-pleaser” and learned from a therapist that NO is a complete sentence. I’m still working on that one!

You could try practicing ways of being more assertive without changing who you are. Sending hugs.

Re: I’m Too Nice

Meowingkitty — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 22:26:17 GMT

I used to be like that. If my job needed someone who work holidays or weekends they knew they could ask me. As I grew up and got wiser realizing it was getting me nowhere I stopped being so willing to accommodate. I stopped being a doormat. Getting laid off multiple times and having to start over in a new job I wised up and took care of number one. I stopped being so accommodating.

Re: I’m Too Nice

moonandthestars — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 22:28:36 GMT

@Jordan2 Please don't change. (or change much anyway!) You sound like an amazing person. Being kind, sweet, responsible and well mannered are all very good things. More should be like you. I understand in this current world these characteristics are dwindling and many people like to take advantage of that goodness. If you do feel taken advantage of, then sometime or other allow yourself to graciously to say no to some extra task or work. Otherwise, know you are a good example for the world. Be yourself.

Re: I’m Too Nice

Kitlynn — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 23:03:50 GMT

There is no such thing as being to nice. Now that being said you need to remember that you deserve to treat yourself nice also. So when extra jobs come along for instance it is perfectly fine for you to say "that isn't going to work for me." It doesn't mean you aren't being nice it just means that you are looking our for what is best for you once in a while.

Re: I’m Too Nice

tansy — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 23:28:34 GMT

Don't change being the caring person who has bandaids for the kids. 🩷

As for the extra work, that I assume has no extra dollars attached, practice saying no. It will get easier.

Re: I’m Too Nice

zitawins — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 23:15:02 GMT

@Jordan2 No. It's a complete sentence. Too many young women haven't learned that, I'm afraid. There is a limit to always acquiese to other people.

No.

Re: I’m Too Nice

QVCkitty1 — Sun, 07 Jan 2024 23:21:58 GMT

No is an acceptable answer.

Re: I’m Too Nice

SandySparkles — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 00:11:37 GMT

@Jordan2

Times have changed! The moral compass of society has changed! The world needs KIND, loving people now more that ever!😊

There are those that take kindness for weakness and exploit it, but there are MANY more that appreciate your wonderful qualities!❤

It appears that your students, and co-workers APPRECIATE your compassionate, responsible, reliable, loving qualities, and ask YOU when needed because you ARE dependable, and that is admirable!😊

If you feel you are being taken advantage of and need help setting healthy boundaries, a GOOD therapist can help you do just that!👍

Kindness is contagious! Continue to pass it on, and let your loving light shine!!!!😊

~~~All we need is LOVE💖

Re: I’m Too Nice

GingerHead — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 03:30:53 GMT

@Jordan2

@Jordan2 wrote:
I'm too nice and need to be deprogrammed! I was raised to be polite, kind, just be a good citizen, it seems people aren't like that anymore and it's a negative that I am. I work in a school with young children, I am always the first one who is given additional work (if they are shorthanded I always get the extra classes). They know I'll do it, I never say no to anything. If the kids need tissues and band aids who do the kids and other adults ask me because they know I'm responsible and will have them. I know a lot of the fault lies in me that I let them pretty much take advantage of me. It's just not in my nature to be mean, not helpful, helping when I can. I do hate myself for being this way but it is hard to change when you have been a certain way your whole life. I probably should speak to a therapist as to why I can't change my ways.

I think you are confusing kindness with people pleasing.

Kindness is selfless, you do it out of the goodness of your heart as a mutual respect, altruistic.

People pleasing is motivated by wanting to be accepted or recognized/rewarded for your actions or being afraid to speak your mind.

You sound like a very sweet, kind person but please don't confuse doing something you don't really want to do or not standing up for yourself as being kind...You can say no and still be the kindest person in the world.

You say they're taking advantage of you and giving you all the extra work, don't let them. They sound very unkind to you. Standing up for yourself is not being mean....

@Jordan2 Edited to say, there's nothing wrong with you, I think a lot of us go through not being able to say no. I know I did. It took me a long time to snap out of it! haha

Just keep telling yourself that saying no is not unkind or mean.

Kindness is being kind to yourself and your feelings too! And therapy is never a bad thing and might help to sort things out. I wish you well!

Re: I’m Too Nice

SaveTheTurtles — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 01:08:37 GMT

Isn't it a shame that being nice and kind is a detriment? Sad commentary on our culture in 2024.

Re: I’m Too Nice

homedecor1 — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 02:25:58 GMT

@Jordan2

Nothing wrong with being polite or kind! I'm sure those children appreciate knowing you're going to have what they need🙂

Luckily I retired from a great job and worked with terrific people -- everyone pitched in!

Maybe if your feeling overwhelmed it's time to say "no" to the extra work or maybe a job change.

Re: I’m Too Nice

qvcfreak — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 02:44:50 GMT

You could have written that about me but that is who I am.

In an interview they asked me what was a weakness and I said, difficulty saying no. I think they used it against me. They would give me so much extra work.

Re: I’m Too Nice

Love my grandkids — Mon, 08 Jan 2024 03:57:10 GMT

I cringe when someone says that they are "too nice." To me it means a person doesn't know how to say "no" or is afraid they'll look "mean" if they do so.

I learned decades ago that being a doormat benefits no one. I'm not saying the OP is a doormat but that she seems not to be able to ever say "no."