topic Re: Grandchildren in Community Chat

Grandchildren

wannabee1 — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 17:07:30 GMT

Curious... how many of you have custody of your grandchildren and REALLY love it? How many of you would rather enjoy your retirement without the responsibility? Trying to help a friend navigate her emotions. I try not to get involved in these things but I have a truly dear friend who is struggling with saying no. What would be crossing the line coming from me?

Re: Grandchildren

spumoni99 — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 17:12:13 GMT

I help a lot with my grandkids but they do go home to mom and dad. If something happened to their parents I wouldn't hesitate to reaise them, it would be hard and a burden but I wouldn't want them to be raised by anyone else, besides their parents I am the closest with them.

A girl at my granddaughters school is being raised by her great grandmother, she doesn't do any kid stuff with the girl and she is obviously starved for attention and acts out, that is very sad. I think whats in the best interest of the children for me would be the deciding factor, the grandparents may not always be whats best.

Re: Grandchildren

Snowpuppy — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 17:25:23 GMT

I was sent to live with my Gram when I was 4. I look back and see what a blessing that turned out to be. Let's just say Gram did the only adulting in the family. Too much of a bother for anyone else.

My BFF has custody of 2 preschool grands. She took an early out retirement to care for them. They now have a stable environment with 2 caring grandparents.

I was a supportive friend who listened. At first she thought this was temporary. I didn't think so and spoke up. She prepared herself for the long haul.

Re: Grandchildren

chrystaltree — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 17:42:41 GMT

It can indeed be tough. I had a coworker who reported to me. In her late 50s, she had custody of her daughter's school age children. The daughter was in prison in another state. Dad's were not in the picture. She didn't have a choice. She took those kids or they would be separated and placed in foster care. So, she became their mother. She didn't have a support network so it was all on her. I know she loved those kids but I know she didn't really want to start raising a young family when she was almost 60.

Re: Grandchildren

CelticCrafter — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:00:57 GMT

He's our joy and the only reason I wouldn't want to do it is because of our age and perhaps him having to start all over again for a second time.

He's only 16 months old and we are both 69. I think it would be so hard for him.

Re: Grandchildren

LindaSal — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:01:05 GMT

I am going to be blatantly honest here........I am thankful that we dodged this bullet.

My kids are millenials and neither has an interest in having children. One of our dear friends is raising her granddaughter who is quite young, like elementary school age.

Would I have liked being a grandmother, sure I would have but I told my kids their life is their's and do what makes you happy. I guess if I had to raise grandchildren hypothetically, I would, but yes I do feel it would be a burden on us. We are traveling quite a lot and I would really miss that if we could no longer do it. Happy my kids are responsible adults and made the right decision for themselves.

Re: Grandchildren

Meowingkitty — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:15:00 GMT

I have a brother in law who asked us many years ago if we would take his kids if anything happens to them. We said no. Two are adopted special needs kids. We don't have kids and didn't want any. No way would we be able to handle that. Thankfully it never happened and the kids are now in their 20's and have some type of job but have the ability of maybe a 13 year old. We would not have been able to deal with it. Neither of us have any experience with kids let alone kids with disabilities.

Re: Grandchildren

millieshops — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:23:56 GMT

I don't believe there's one answer for all grandparents - far too many variables.

Re: Grandchildren

RedTop — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:25:32 GMT

@LindaSal

I too am happy my girls have chosen to live the life they want, without children. Both girls stated at age 17 they did not want to be a mom and I believed them and supported that mindset. I made it as clear to them as it was made to me, I would not raise grandchildren!

As high school juniors, teacher daughter wore an empathy belly to simulate pregnancy, and trucker daughter brought home the simulated real care baby; both experiences helped my girls realize they weren't mommy material. Both are now over 40 and have never second guessed their decision.

Re: Grandchildren

moonandthestars — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:42:46 GMT

@wannabee1 I'm not sure i completely understand. Did your friend say no and now feels guilty about it? Or does she want to say no but isn't feeling good about actually saying no? My other question would be ..... what about the kids? what options are there for them? if your friend says no, where would they go? into the foster system? with another family member? As I look at this from over here, my perspective, not being in this story, I feel like it should be about the best decision for the kids and it shouldn't be about if your friend would have her retirement plans crimped. Obviously, there is some serious circumstance where the kids cannot/should not be with their parent(s) and they need someone to care.

Re: Grandchildren

bikerbabe — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 18:48:16 GMT

I would just be a sounding board and listen.

Not every grandparent is in a position, financially, physically, or emotionally to accept this responsibility.

Re: Grandchildren

Meowingkitty — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 19:49:21 GMT

@RedTop wrote:
@LindaSal
I too am happy my girls have chosen to live the life they want, without children. Both girls stated at age 17 they did not want to be a mom and I believed them and supported that mindset. I made it as clear to them as it was made to me, I would not raise grandchildren!

As high school juniors, teacher daughter wore an empathy belly to simulate pregnancy, and trucker daughter brought home the simulated real care baby; both experiences helped my girls realize they weren't mommy material. Both are now over 40 and have never second guessed their decision.

I took Child Development in HS and we had to babysit and attend to other students little brothers and sisters every day for 2 weeks. I hated it but I knew then and there that I did not want kids ever. Thankfully I found a husband who didn't want them either. We like being pet parents.

Re: Grandchildren

drizzellla — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 19:50:03 GMT

I do not have grandchildren and suspect I never will.

But I have watched all the ups and downs that my very good friend has gone through. And I must say I admire her for all she has done for her granddaughter.

Her son and his girlfriend had a little girl while they both were in high school. The girlfriend wanted to get married. But my girlfriend and her husband insisted that their son graduate high school first. The baby's mother lived with her Mom and several younger children. She didn't want to be stuck with babysitting her younger siblings and wanted to move out and get married.

After the baby came, my girlfriend took care of the baby while "they" were at school. Then the girlfriend decided she would rather spend time with her friends. So my girlfriend was watching the baby for 5 days at a time or more.

And It didn't take long before the relationship of boyfriend and girlfriend disintegrated beyond repair. And guess who got the baby girl? - my girlfriend and her husband. So they raised the little girl like she was their own.

But that didn't stop the ex-girlfriend to sue for child support. Several years later, when the boyfriend graduated college and got a job, she found out how much child support she could get. She sues for custody of the grandchild and child support. The judge was very generous to her. Except she still dropped the granddaughter off at my girlfriend's house frequently.

My girlfriend was in much of her grandaughter's life until the teens. Then there were rules at my girlfriends house. And the ex-girlfriend had no rules at her Mom's house. So guess what, ex-girlfriend had history repeat itself. She got pregnant.

And guess who is now taking care of ex-girlfriend and her baby? Now ex-girlfriend needs a car, or repair for car and rent paid and utilities. And they are buying diapers, formula, clothes for her baby. But also taking baby to Doctor or babysitting baby.

She spends much of her days running errands or babysitting. She doesn't seem to get a break.

Because if she isn't watching her granddaughter's son - she also baysits her son's 2 children (during summer) and their dog. When the family goes on vacation she babysits the dog because the dog can't handle kennels. She she lives at her son's house with their dog.

Re: Grandchildren

Texasmouse — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 20:12:45 GMT

@drizzellla wow... your girlfriend is a saint (and a doormat).

Re: Grandchildren

tends2dogs — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 20:37:55 GMT

@moonandthestars wrote:
@wannabee1 I'm not sure i completely understand. Did your friend say no and now feels guilty about it? Or does she want to say no but isn't feeling good about actually saying no? My other question would be ..... what about the kids? what options are there for them? if your friend says no, where would they go? into the foster system? with another family member? As I look at this from over here, my perspective, not being in this story, I feel like it should be about the best decision for the kids and it shouldn't be about if your friend would have her retirement plans crimped. Obviously, there is some serious circumstance where the kids cannot/should not be with their parent(s) and they need someone to care.

I don't know how grandparents taking on the raising of their grandchildren could hide the fact that this was "crimping their retirement plans." It would effect your everyday attitude. Resentment would be evident. I am not putting down the person that does not want to do this.

People should think this through before making this life changing (for all) commitment. Do it because you really want to. Do it out of love and the best for the children. It is going to be hard, but if you go into it with the right heart and attitude, it will be a lot easier.

Re: Grandchildren

kaydee50 — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 20:44:59 GMT

@Texasmouse I was going to post almost the same thing. Her friend is either a saint or she's crazy!

Re: Grandchildren

ThinkingOutLoud — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 20:45:24 GMT

Frankly, when immediate family can't raise their own kids, extended family needs to step up, not society. This is in part because the farther the responsible party is removed from a situation, the less understanding and gratitude there is for those that provide the solution.

Re: Grandchildren

LTT1 — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 20:56:57 GMT

@wannabee1

@ThinkingOutLoud @kaydee50 @tends2dogs @Texasmouse

Here are my thoughts about this issue, although it might seem selfish to some.

I maintain my mental sanity by living by myself and tending only to me. The stress and chaos is not for me mentally at this age.

Howevet, if mine were for some strange reason going to be homeless, I would take over in a heartbeat. 🩷

Re: Grandchildren

teganslaw — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 21:12:25 GMT

In some cases I feel bad for those who raise their grandchildren. Maybe some of them offered and like doing it, but it doesn't seem fair. They already put in their time, now they should be able to enjoy retirement.

I never had children, and would not want to raise grandchildren. I haven't regretted my decision. I babysat for money when I was younger but never cared about it. The children were mostly OK, but it's not something I enjoyed.

Re: Grandchildren

kaydee50 — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 21:42:27 GMT

@teganslaw Agree. I thought I would miss having children. Never have regretted it. I guess I don't have the "maternal" gene! And I also would feel sorry for those grandparents who for whatever reason feel obligated to raise their grandchildren.