topic Re: Akward request to attend funeral in Community Chat

Akward request to attend funeral

Trailrun23 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:37:46 GMT

Am finding myself in a very weird situation. DH's ex passed away three days ago after a long illness. They were divorced over thirty years ago and she had married 4 more times since then. Was single at the time of her death. My stepson, age 52, has been calling DH begging him to come to her funeral to show support for him and his brother, age 46. They were not close to her and hadn't even seen her in a long time as she lived out of state. DH has no desire to attend. She had several siblings who will attend. I find the stepson to be very immature and I think it is terrible to keep calling trying to put a guilt trip on DH if he doesn't attend. That's the first thing he said; I don't want to put a guilt trip on you, but....he has called four times. It is really bothering DH....he is not well anyway and this isn't helping.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

sunshine45 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:43:37 GMT

it sounds to me like the sons want to make peace with their mother and maybe the family and that they would appreciate it if their dad showed up with them in support. i honestly dont see anything wrong with asking for this type of support. they are sad and want/need someone to lean on.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

LdyBugz — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 02:56:34 GMT

Awkward indeed. But here is no need for your husband to attend. His sons are mature men, in age, and should be able to handle the situation on their own.

I think your DH just needs to kindly but firmly state that he will not attend. At most, perhaps flowers could be sent to the funeral to express condolences. Even though the sons hadn't seen her for some time, she was still their mother and they probably feel a loss deep down.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Trailrun23 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:01:20 GMT

I first suggested he send a plant to each of the boys, and he can just say it's from "Dad". The boys are married with families. I am hoping they will feel less needy as the days go by before the funeral. I think it is too soon and they are still just getting used to the loss.They have several aunts and uncles there who should be able to be a source of comfort for them; they did have relationships with them.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

PickyPicky3 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:02:37 GMT

Do the stepsons have spouses/children/friends who will attend the funeral?

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Love my grandkids — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:09:52 GMT

@PickyPicky3 The OP states the ex has several siblings who will attend. It's in her post.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Love my grandkids — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:11:06 GMT

@Trailrun23 IMO your DH can just say "No I won't be attending." He is not required to give reasons. She is a long ago EX. No obligatioins. The sons are grown men. They have to deal with the fact that their parents split dedcades ago.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

nikkisaunt1 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:24:17 GMT

Is this his son asking him to attend? If it is, why would he not go to support his son?
this is what fathers should do.

it sounds like it would mean a great deal for your husband to be there for them. Is there a reason other than being divorced from the deceased for a long while that he does not want to attend? Sometimes kindness can mean so much. It might be that there are not that many people to attend or that your husband had a impact on their lives more than you know. But as it means so much, unless it is a hardship for your husband, it might be something very nice indeed for him to do.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Northray — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:26:46 GMT

@Trailrun23 wrote:
Am finding myself in a very weird situation. DH's ex passed away three days ago after a long illness. They were divorced over thirty years ago and she had married 4 more times since then. Was single at the time of her death. My stepson, age 52, has been calling DH begging him to come to her funeral to show support for him and his brother, age 46. They were not close to her and hadn't even seen her in a long time as she lived out of state. DH has no desire to attend. She had several siblings who will attend. I find the stepson to be very immature and I think it is terrible to keep calling trying to put a guilt trip on DH if he doesn't attend. That's the first thing he said; I don't want to put a guilt trip on you, but....he has called four times. It is really bothering DH....he is not well anyway and this isn't helping.

If DH made these children with the Ex. Then it's no wonder that the (adult)child wants the other half of the one who made him and his siblings to attend. He doesn't have to attend tho. Only that it will hurt his child if he doesn't. It's not about the dead woman but the child he made with the woman.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

occasionalrain — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:27:09 GMT

His son's asked their father to go with them to the funeral.

To turn them down shouldn't even be a consideration. Of course he should go, no decent father would refuse.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

sugar plum — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 04:22:58 GMT

If your DH has no desire to attend, then he shouldn't. Perhaps the step-sons can meet your husband for lunch somehere. Just a thought. I don't know the family dynamics so it's kind of hard to say.

Your DH will make the right decision for himself. No one should try to persuade him otherwise. I'm sure he has his reasons for not wanting to go.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

qbetzforreal — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:33:10 GMT

My parents had been divorced for many years before my father passed away. My mother attended his service. She also attended the service for paternal grandmother out of respect.

I don't think it is immature for the son make the request. Perhaps he is looking for support from his surviving parent during the worse time of his life-burying his mother.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Snowpuppy — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:35:19 GMT

Awkward situation but a grown man is being asked by his children to be supportive in a time of need.

Put on a suit, find an ounce of compassion for your children and go, even if just for an hour.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Mersha — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:37:00 GMT

@Trailrun23 Bottom line, your husband, for his own personal reasons, does not want to attend the funeral.

If the sons requesting his presence were children or even in their teens, that would be another story. These children are grown men and should be equipped to deal with their mother's funeral without their father there.

They have each other and I assume each has a family of their own.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

kitcat51 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 03:54:37 GMT

He should go & support his sons, it's about them not his ex....they will never forget if he doesn't.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Kachina624 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 04:20:11 GMT

@Trailrun23. Help me out...how does this put you in a "weird" situation? I don't see where you're involved at all.

Your husband's sons may be somewhat socially awkward and may not know how to relate to their mom's family. Maybe you could make some suggestions.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

chrystaltree — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 04:30:15 GMT

Good grief, what is wrong with you? Most men wouldn't have to be asked to go to funeral to support their sons, they would do it because it's the right thing to do. Funerals aren't for the dead! They are for the living. They've lost their mother and who knows why but they need their father at the funeral. If he can't do that little thing for his own sons, that tells us what type of man he is. And they will remember that.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Chessa35 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 04:30:20 GMT

It sounds more like the Son feels guilty about the way he was with his Mother .

Your Husband can give him support without attending the Funeral .

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Kachina624 — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 04:31:21 GMT

There may be animosity between poster's dh and his ex's family. He should not feel obligated to go. Wild horses couldn't have gotten me to my ex's funeral. I had no business there.

Re: Akward request to attend funeral

Queen of shop — Mon, 31 Jul 2023 05:24:13 GMT

@Trailrun23 This same situation happen not even two months ago with people I now. The mom and dad had been divorced for 19 years. They had three children together that are all married and have kids of their own.

Anyway.....the father passes away. The three kids were not crazy about their dad but he was their dad nonetheless. His exwife, the three kids mother went to the wake, had a flower arrangement delivered and signed the book in the funeral parlor with her sympathies to her three children. She also attended the funeral the next day.

IMO she did the right thing. She supported her children even though they are adults, and her seven grandchildren. She put her personal hurt aside over the divorce, stood tall and came out smelling like a rose. Strong woman. Strong mother.

I hope your husband can dredge up some strength and support his sons. No matter how old we get, if we have parents in a situation such as this one, he should support. They made babies together. The sons seem to need their father there. Hope he goes. And remember, the grandchildren are watching too how this is handled. I wouldn't want the grandchildre to have leverage over grandpa that he didn't attend for them either.

I wish you luck and peace of mind.