topic Re: Wedding guest lists in Community Chat

Wedding guest lists

Trailrun23 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:09:29 GMT

If you receive a "save the date" card for a wedding, wouldn't you expect to get a wedding invitation? I cancelled a trip out of town when I learned the wedding date...but now it is two weeks before the wedding and still no invitation. Would you call the sender? The bride is the daughter of a former colleague and we worked together for years.

Re: Wedding guest lists

lgfan — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:10:59 GMT

I would call and ask about the invitation. I have never heard of save the date card and not get an invitation.

Re: Wedding guest lists

RollTide2008 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:21:29 GMT

I would assume plans have changed and move on.

Re: Wedding guest lists

Suzeecat — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:24:39 GMT

Did you ever get a shower invite? If not, it kind of sounds like plans were called off, but since you went to the trouble of changing your OWN plans, I would say it's worth a call to confirm. If something was lost in the mail, I would think the family would be horrified that you did that and did not receive your invitation, assuming that you are still interested in attending.

Re: Wedding guest lists

Chessa35 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:28:45 GMT

If you really want to attend the wedding then call .After all ,you did take time off . If you really don't want to go , here's your reason .

Re: Wedding guest lists

kaydee50 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:35:16 GMT

It's 2 weeks before the wedding? You should have received an invite, assuming you were sent one, by now. And yes, I would call the sender. To me a "save the date" implies you will be invited otherwise why save the date???

Re: Wedding guest lists

santorini — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:40:37 GMT

I don't know if I would call or not. It would put that person on the spot. What if they decided they had sent out too many Save the Date cards and couldn't afford that many attendees so they cut some people out. That would make for an uncomfortable conversation if they had to admit that you were chopped.

Re: Wedding guest lists

beckyb1012 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:41:18 GMT

Yes I would but I also would not just assume plans have changed. I received the actual invitation to a wedding connected to my office on a Tuesday. In my Saturday mail a few days later the card informing the guests the wedding had been cancelled was delivered. Also, in that mail that same day was the second wedding invitation of a cousin to the wedding mentioned above. I never received the first invite so the bride to be sent me a second one.

Very strange getting all that in just a few days times even though I knew all the ups and downs to the events. Do not assume it could be lost or yes it could be over.

Re: Wedding guest lists

deepwaterdotter — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:41:37 GMT

Wedding plans sound a bit 'iffy'. I wouldn't go overboard on buying a gift.

Re: Wedding guest lists

hckynutjohn — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:49:23 GMT

@Trailrun23

Some people have their heads where the sun don't shine. Decades ago I went to enough weddings to last my lifetime. The last, being my own, in 2002.

I had an issue with a wedding/divorce in my own family. I don't walk tightropes, even though my mother wanted me to do so in this instance. With me, I am IN, or I am OUT. I leave no doubt on which side I fall.

Since you "cancelled a trip out of town" for a "former colleague's daughter"! I am not familiar with what "is standard etiquette(if there is such a thing)". I say go with your gut.

hckynut 🇺🇸

Re: Wedding guest lists

Janey2 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:55:39 GMT

I know someone who sent out save the date cards. When it was time to send out the invitations they realized that they could not invite that many people due to the size of the room. The guest list was cut and some people were not invited. One of the "save the date" guests decided to call and find out where her invitation was. It was explained to her what happened, but was told if she really wanted to attend they would make room for her. If you decide to call make sure you really want to go as they might tell you to attend anyway. If you were meant to get an invitation and it got lost they would have gotten in touch with you as you would have had to rsvp. I would forget about the whole situation and next time do not change your plans so fast.

Re: Wedding guest lists

faeriemoon — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 17:59:49 GMT

Yes, I would expect an invitation, but no, I wouldn't call or inquire. I would assume I wasn't invited and calling would be awkward to say the least.

On another note, the "save the date" practice is a bunch of nonsense. Anyone you know well enough to invite to your wedding knows the date. People you don't know that well but for some reason you have to invite are no great loss if they don't come.

Re: Wedding guest lists

JeanLouiseFinch — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 19:20:08 GMT

@RollTide2008 wrote:
I would assume plans have changed and move on.

This.

Some couples/families want to include everyone they know when first planning a wedding. Then they get a dose of reality and need to start trimming the guest list. Someone in your position, @Trailrun23, would probably be one of the first to get the axe before family, friends, and current colleagues. Don't call. It only makes it awkward for both you and the hosts. Move on.

Maybe there is time to reschedule your orignal trip.

ETA - think about it. If they had your address for the STD notice, they had your address if it was their intention to invite you and said invitation would have arrived several weeks ago and they would have had to have your RSVP by now to give their cater a final number. I hate to sound harsh, but you were not invited.

Back in the Stone Age, when DH and I got married, there wasn't such a thing as STD cards. We made our list and sent the invitations. There was a girl in our young people's group at church, she was a friend but not a good friend. It was our decision from the beginning that we would not be inviting her. She used to date DH's friend who was to be a groomsman. I was good friends with his fiancé and she wa going to stand up for me. The summer before our wedding they broke up and they both stepped away from being in the wedding. We had no animosity toward either of them. She lived in another state but he attended as a guest. A day or two before our wedding, the old g/f called my DH to see if her invitation got lost in the mail. Believe me, it was awkward and unnecessary. Sometimes you just have to read the clues.

Re: Wedding guest lists

AZfem — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 18:58:26 GMT

Are you really close friends with this former colleague? Do you talk frequently? If so, wouldn't you be speaking of this with each other?

If your not close would assume they cut the guest list.

I would never cancel a trip to go to someone I was not really close to daughters wedding. Do you even know the daughter? Can you reinstate the trip?

Re: Wedding guest lists

chrystaltree — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 18:55:01 GMT

Save the date cards should only be sent to people you absolutely, positively will invite to the wedding. You decide how many people people you are inviting BEFORE you send save the dates. But I think in your scenario, I would not call to inquire about my invitation nor would I accept a pity invitation knowing they didn't really want me.

Re: Wedding guest lists

haddon9 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 19:08:24 GMT

Wow that could be a tough one but I would call to ask if you are invited....after all they sent you a "save the date".

You never know, perhaps the invite got lost in the mail. My DD got married last May. As the date got closer my brother asked when she was mailing out the invitations. He had never received his even though she mailed it over three weeks before. I had her send him another one but he knew he was invited since he's my brother and we are close.

She had mailed it from Philadelphia to St. Louis. I had several problems with the mail in recent years.

ETA: Don't assume anything. My DD never had a shower and didn't want one. USPS is not perfect and has problems from time to time. Plus if they sent out too many save the date cards that's on them....it's certainly not the fault of the guest who is wondering what is going on!

Re: Wedding guest lists

hckynutjohn — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 19:03:06 GMT

@Janey2 wrote:
I know someone who sent out save the date cards. When it was time to send out the invitations they realized that they could not invite that many people due to the size of the room. The guest list was cut and some people were not invited. One of the "save the date" guests decided to call and find out where her invitation was. It was explained to her what happened, but was told if she really wanted to attend they would make room for her. If you decide to call make sure you really want to go as they might tell you to attend anyway. If you were meant to get an invitation and it got lost they would have gotten in touch with you as you would have had to rsvp. I would forget about the whole situation and next time do not change your plans so fast.

@Janey2

Why would a person want to go after being told "you didn't make the cut"? Maybe it's a guy thing, ain't no way I would think of going. And a gift! 😂 😅

hckynut 🇺🇸

Re: Wedding guest lists

Mindy D — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 22:04:07 GMT

@Trailrun23 wrote:
If you receive a "save the date" card for a wedding, wouldn't you expect to get a wedding invitation? I cancelled a trip out of town when I learned the wedding date...but now it is two weeks before the wedding and still no invitation. Would you call the sender? The bride is the daughter of a former colleague and we worked together for years.

@Trailrun23 @This happened to my friends. Our group of friends expected to go to the wedding of the daughter of our very close friends. We all had known the bride to be since she was a one year old. One couple received their save the date card but no invitation. When my friend told me they did not get an invite, I knew it was a mistake. I told them to call the bride or bride's mother, or I would call and check to see if there was a mistake. I called the bride's mother and it turned out that they were mailed an invitation which must have been lost in the mail. I called my friend back and explained and then she called the bride's mother. They RSVPd during the call and they attended the wedding.

Re: Wedding guest lists

Sage04 — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 21:50:30 GMT

I wouldn't call because by now if they haven't received an RSVP from you they might realize that you did not receive an invitation.

@Trailrun23 I'm surprised your friend hasn't gotten in touch with you since you might be going as one of her guests.

Re: Wedding guest lists

JeanLouiseFinch — Tue, 18 Apr 2023 22:54:02 GMT

Another thought....

Having organized our daughters wedding last year,...

No matter how well the hosts plan, there are those invitees who either don't pay attention to the RSVP date, or think mailing them back on time doesn't apply to them. We had a number of guests unaccounted for as the due date was closing in. All of them were contacted personally, to find out their intentions. If this friend hasn't heard from you by this stage in the timeline, as the MOB who wants everything to go smoothly, she probably would have contacted you by now if she had invited you..