topic Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH in Community Chat

Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 01:42:40 GMT

Hi everyone,

With great trepidation, I am posting my difficult situation. I've been reading the boards long enough to know this may turn ugly, so please try to be kind.

My heart is breaking. I was caregiver to my DH for one year until I was unable to do it anymore. He has two children. He had a bad fall and was in the hospital a couple of months ago, then was admitted to a rehab facility. I expected that after rehab, he would be admitted to a nursing facility, which is really where he needs to be. He needs 24/7 care that I cannot give him. He has dementia.

Here's the kicker. I am not in DH's will nor he in mine. It is both our second marriage. He raised his children and his money is for them. Please do not argue about this separate issue. I only bring it up because since it is his children's inheritance, they are now assuming responsibility for his care.

His son wants to set his father up in his apartment with round the clock aides rather than a nursing home. His father was recently discharged from the rehab facility and the son did not tell me. I found out by accident. I couldn't reach his son (he wouldn't answer his phone or even give me his email address) for over one week. He finally answered the phone and told me I cannot visit "yet", that his father is not adjusting well and is agitated and he feels I would just add to that agitation. I said I might be able to calm him down and comfort him.

What are your thoughts about my stepson forbidding me to come over? In the back of my mind, I'm thinking it is intentional that my stepson wants to keep me out of his father's life now that he has control. I have never been on great terms with his children. They are selfish and greedy. What would you do? I am anxious to see my DH.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

SurvivedOne — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 01:52:52 GMT

Clearly there are other issues going on. And issues between you and your husband's son/children. If your husband's son is stepping up to pay for his dad's care at home care rather than him being in a nursing home, that is an amazing son. Seems like there is alot left out in this story.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 01:54:28 GMT

Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 01:54:29 GMT

On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:
Clearly there are other issues going on. And issues between you and your husband's son/children. If your husband's son is stepping up to pay for his dad's care at home care rather than him being in a nursing home, that is an amazing son. Seems like there is alot left out in this story.

I'm sorry, you misunderstand. His son is not paying for his father's care. His son is choosing the cheaper way out so that his father's money (his inheritance) is not swallowed up by a nursing home. The stepson is trying to do it on the cheap to preserve his inheritance!

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 01:58:14 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:00:54 GMT

To add: His children hardly ever visited their father, although they knew he was not well. They were and are too busy with their own lives. I feel that the son is blaming me for everything that has transpired with his father and that he never really understood what I had to deal with as a caregiver. DH had behavioral changes as part of his illness and abused me verbally and emotionally. He also threatened me. I think his children thought I was making it all up. So I'm thinking now the son is being vindictive as far as not allowing me to see DH. I could be paranoid, but I don't understand how his father being agitated right now means I can't see him. ?????

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

SurvivedOne — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:04:14 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

I'm sorry but if I was married to someone I really loved for 30 years, I certainly wouldn't be giving a rat's behind about some "inheritance" vs my husband's life on this earth. And I certainly wouldn't be thinking about being "taken to court". All I could think about was being with my husband. I would be moving heaven and earth to do whatever is best for him.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:04:44 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

Jussa, I don't really want to post what I would do because it might be construed as judgment and I don't want that.

Do you think the son was taken by surprise that you turned over control and decisions after 30 years and he might be ticked about it?

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:05:29 GMT

Jussa you answered the question while I was posting.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

SurvivedOne — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:06:58 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

Jussa, I don't really want to post what I would do because it might be construed as judgment and I don't want that.

Do you think the son was taken by surprise that you turned over control and decisions after 30 years and he might be ticked about it?

My thought as well.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

SurvivedOne — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:09:59 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
To add: His children hardly ever visited their father, although they knew he was not well. They were and are too busy with their own lives. I feel that the son is blaming me for everything that has transpired with his father and that he never really understood what I had to deal with as a caregiver. DH had behavioral changes as part of his illness and abused me verbally and emotionally. He also threatened me. I think his children thought I was making it all up. So I'm thinking now the son is being vindictive as far as not allowing me to see DH. I could be paranoid, but I don't understand how his father being agitated right now means I can't see him. ?????

Only trying to be fair based on what is written. But seems like if it is perceived that you walked away regardless of what you went through, the son is probably feeling, right or wrong, that you abandoned his father. And has feelings surrounding you want to see him after such. In his mind.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:10:48 GMT

On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:
On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Does his son have financial and medical power of attorney? In the eyes of the law, are they decision makers?

Also how long have you been married? Without going into detail, I married someone who had grown children and know what it's like to be treated like a housekeeper or nurse by the children instead of a wife.

His son is POA and HCP. I am as well. I have been with DH for 30 years. I agreed that his children should now be assuming is care because I don't feel it is my right to make decisions that will affect their inheritance. I also don't want to make decisions where they could take me to court. I have no problem with them assuming responsibility now. I just don't want to be barred from seeing DH. That's the issue now.

I'm sorry but if I was married to someone I really loved for 30 years, I certainly wouldn't be giving a rat's behind about some "inheritance" vs my husband's life on this earth. And I certainly wouldn't be thinking about being "taken to court". All I could think about was being with my husband. I would be moving heaven and earth to do whatever is best for him.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted. It is a very complicated situation.

I really can't "be" with my husband because of his behavioral changes. After a year of abuse, I have come to terms with the fact that he is a different person, someone I no longer know. His falling a couple of months ago and going to the hospital was really a blessing in disguise because I was at my wit's end with his abuse and by his going to the hospital, it set up the path for him to get to a nursing facility, which IMO is where he needs to be and is the best place for him. He was doing very well at the rehab portion of the nursing facility. He had a full time staff watching him 24/7, he is wheelchair bound, yet tries to get up and walk. He cannot be left alone.

His son's decision to set him up in his apartment is not a bad decision, just not the best IMO. Again, my only issue is that the son is telling me I cannot come over to visit "yet". I don't know if this is an excuse or whether his intention is to bar me permanently.

In his son's apartment, I feel he will not have the social stimulation and will be isolated and deteriorate quickly. I love my DH and only want to provide him companionship and comfort at this point.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:10:49 GMT

Okay, my DH was in my life 7 years when he died. I can tell you that I would not be concerned about any inheritance. That is something a beneficiary gets once life is over. If nothing is left, so be it. You mentioned that you share legal rights with the son. Here in Michigan the wife rules. I don't understand why a rehab facility would not contact you as the wife advising you that DH was being discharged unless they were told you were no longer an active participant in the decisions.

I'm afraid the son is freezing you out and I don't know how much fight you want to put up.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:13:44 GMT

Jussa, it feels like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand that you can't live with your DH because of the abuse but that doesn't mean you never want to see him again. I'm afraid the son is not understanding the difference.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:14:34 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Okay, my DH was in my life 7 years when he died. I can tell you that I would not be concerned about any inheritance. That is something a beneficiary gets once life is over. If nothing is left, so be it. You mentioned that you share legal rights with the son. Here in Michigan the wife rules. I don't understand why a rehab facility would not contact you as the wife advising you that DH was being discharged unless they were told you were no longer an active participant in the decisions.

I'm afraid the son is freezing you out and I don't know how much fight you want to put up.

Yes, the rehab facility was told that his son is handling all his affairs because his son is now in charge of his father's money. They assume that the son will inform me. Remember, I am not named in DH's will. I'm not the one concerned about inheritance. His son is.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:17:20 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Jussa, it feels like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand that you can't live with your DH because of the abuse but that doesn't mean you never want to see him again. I'm afraid the son is not understanding the difference.

Exactly Bird mama. I still love him and want to be a part of his life somehow, to offer my companionship and love. Sometimes when I visited him at the rehab facility, he would be so happy to see me, his face would light up, then his demeanor would turn on a dime and he would yell at me and become hostile. I learned to make a quick exit whenever that happened. But I don't want to abandon him just because he is sick.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:18:36 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:

Yes, the rehab facility was told that his son is handling all his affairs because his son is now in charge of his father's money. They assume that the son will inform me. Remember, I am not named in DH's will. I'm not the one concerned about inheritance. His son is.

Okay, that's what I was trying to establish - if the son had control of the current finances.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Bird mama — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:19:08 GMT

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/11/2014 Bird mama said:
Jussa, it feels like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I understand that you can't live with your DH because of the abuse but that doesn't mean you never want to see him again. I'm afraid the son is not understanding the difference.

Exactly Bird mama. I still love him and want to be a part of his life somehow, to offer my companionship and love. Sometimes when I visited him at the rehab facility, he would be so happy to see me, his face would light up, then his demeanor would turn on a dime and he would yell at me and become hostile. I learned to make a quick exit whenever that happened. But I don't want to abandon him just because he is sick.

Out of curiosity, how old is the son?

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

Jussa — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:20:39 GMT

Bird mama, I hesitate to give too many details, but his son is certainly a "seasoned" adult.

Re: Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH

SurvivedOne — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 02:20:50 GMT

Depending how much you want to see your husband will depend on how much you are willing to put the efforts, energies into trying to connect with your stepson. Complicated situations have complicated issues, feelings. On both sides. Good luck.