topic Re: Family Secrets in Community Chat

Family Secrets

QVCkitty1 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:00:39 GMT

I got a letter today from a cousin that I don't usually communicate with. She did an Ancestry DNA test and to make a long story short she found a man who was a child that our aunt gave up for adoption. This was a shock to my cousin, not so much to me because my parents had their suspicions but no actual details. I guess there are no secrets anymore. I know it can be wonderful for children looking for their biological parents , but though my aunt is long dead, I feel kind of bad that her life is now an open book. Have any of you been surprised by an Ancestry search ?

Re: Family Secrets

suziebee1 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:10:19 GMT

I did that Ancestry test, but only to see my background. I did not check the boxes to release my info for relatives to find me or for me to search for relatives. I don't need to know what I don't already know. I know a person who was contacted by a distant relative, and it turned into a nightmare for her.

Re: Family Secrets

GoneButNotForgotten — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:11:06 GMT

not yet for me but my DH has dug up several relatives that he's been keeping in touch with. Most of them live abroad, in Europe, and we even met a few that were coming through our area and we had a nice visit with.

Re: Family Secrets

Imaoldhippie — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:11:28 GMT

So far no secrets but I have recently connected with more relatives, probably 2nd, 3rd cousins. Funny thing is they said as kids they were always told there were horse theives in the family and I grew up hearing the same story. Where there is smoke there is fire??!!

Re: Family Secrets

ECBG — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:13:05 GMT

I am so sorry for any sadness your family has had over this situation.

We haven't had any "family secrets" that I know of.

Re: Family Secrets

Laura14 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:17:18 GMT

I warned my mother before I did 23and Me. I told her to spill any secrets now or I would see her on Judge Judy for damages. I got back a text of Darth Vadar claiming he was my father.

The only interesting thing that came up is supposedly I have a Irish cousin that my great grandfather fathered. Not possible since we are all Italian. Either he had a great time on St. Patrick's Day, which was not done back in the day especially by Italians, or the geneology isn't as precise as it could be.

I know they have a cousin I do know listed as my first cousin because we share so much DNA. We are actually second. It's a work in progress. Think what they'll accomplish after all of us are gone. I'm sure they'll be reconstructing exactly what we looked like for any future relatives to come along with a link to all of our archived social media posts.

Re: Family Secrets

Carmie — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:21:59 GMT

No, I don't think we have any surprises or secrets in our family.

I know that my maternal grandfather's brother took off and was never seen or heard from again when his family did not approve of women he wanted to marry. I wonder if he started a life elsewhere or maybe committed suicide. It's a mystery.

i had a friend who was old enough to be my mother. She had a twin sister who had an affair with a man in her neighborhood and he fathered a son with her. She also had five children with her husband.

This has been a secret for years. No one alive knows except for me. My friend and her twin have since passed away. My friend asked me to not tell anyone, unless it would be a emergency situation.

I worry that this secret will be found out through DNA and devastate this man. He looks so different than his siblings, I would not be surprised if the family doesn't suspect something is off here.

Re: Family Secrets

DrKelli — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:24:53 GMT

Sort of--I had a second cousin (unknown to the family--he was put up for adoption) contact me. I figured out who fathered him because we shared great grandparents. He was nice enough and hasn't contacted me since.

There is a 1st cousin that I am curious about because their profile is hidden on Ancestry--I know all my first cousins and don't think this is any of them. But it is what it is. DNA technology has revealed a lot of family secrets, that's for sure.

Re: Family Secrets

withaK — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:45:54 GMT

Only one......my mother's mother died when she was young and her father remarried well before my Mom got married. Her step-mother was the only grandmother we knew and when we kids found out she's a step-grandmother it explained alot of tension thru the years and how she kind of disliked us kids.

DH's had an uncle that carried on a decades long affair with a woman. Once a year they would go away and my fil (his brother) would "go away to an army/navy game" with him : just two brothers going away for a few days. DH found out when he was a teenager and sworn to secrecy. Because its a crazy world we live in I went to a bakery to order a cake and the woman behind the counter asked about my last name (I was married) and I told her when she asked that X was my uncle by marriage, that Y was my fil . She very nicely took a few dollars off the bill and said "Tell your Uncle that C says hello". I said I will....told DH what happened and what a nice lady to do that ! He told me it was probably the lady he used to work with at XYZ Corp and had a longstanding affair with....it ended when he and his wife moved out of state. Ad that I was to never repeat this story !!! Its over twenty years ago and the principals have passed on. I think its ok now !

I would like to do an ancestry test...there is a rumor that we have Native American blood. I'd like to know if its true and what tribe we are affiliated with.

Re: Family Secrets

jackthebear — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:43:35 GMT

@QVCkitty1 wrote:
I got a letter today from a cousin that I don't usually communicate with. She did an Ancestry DNA test and to make a long story short she found a man who was a child that our aunt gave up for adoption. This was a shock to my cousin, not so much to me because my parents had their suspicions but no actual details. I guess there are no secrets anymore. I know it can be wonderful for children looking for their biological parents , but though my aunt is long dead, I feel kind of bad that her life is now an open book. Have any of you been surprised by an Ancestry search ?

nope

I read way too much Dear Abby on this subject

Re: Family Secrets

rms1954 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:45:29 GMT

I don't believe in those; my sister did one without telling the rest of our siblings. I feel it is an invasion of my privacy.

Re: Family Secrets

mimomof4 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 17:52:21 GMT

This is not an ancestery search but my cousin for the first 40+ years of her life did not know who her biological father was. She had been led to believe it was the same biological father as her younger brother and sister. Obviously all of the older relatives knew. After my aunt had passed my grandmother told my cousin's father the truth.

Re: Family Secrets

Puppy Lips — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:06:45 GMT

My SIL was adopted as a baby. Years ago she somehow figured out who her biological mother was. And, I kid you not, my SIL showed up at her mother's doorstep, unannounced. The mom immediately knew who she was.

Her biological mother went on to marry and have a family with her husband. (My SIL was born out of wedlock, from an affair during college.)

Her mother does not want her family to know about my SIL. But, my SIL has stated that when her Mom dies, she is going to introduce herself to her half siblings.

Not sure what I would do in that situation, or if I think that is the right thing to do. Seems to me she should honor her mother's wishes.

Re: Family Secrets

Love to Run — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:16:51 GMT

@rms1954 wrote:
I don't believe in those; my sister did one without telling the rest of our siblings. I feel it is an invasion of my privacy.

@rms1954 How is your sister's ancestery search an invasion of YOUR privacy?

Re: Family Secrets

Desertdi — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:59:59 GMT

My mother made some "deathbed admissions".....and if there's "more", I don't want to know the rest!!!

Re: Family Secrets

chrystaltree — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:22:39 GMT

This is one of the reasons why I have not and never will get involved with one of those genealogy sites. Several of us have shared with our relatives on both side that we are not interested in anything you find or don't find. In this case the aunt is dead but if she was alive. Would her decision to place the child for adoption be disrespected, thrown in her face? Would her privacy mean nothing? I have a friend in similar circumstances who is hounded and harassed by the child she gave up for adoption. She thought she was doing the right thing for everyone with adoption. It was a private adoption and all parties agreed it would remain confidential. The adopting parents vehemently insisted on that. My friend was 19 and just wanted her life back. But promises were broken by the parents and the minister who put them all together. He gave out her contact information and she finds herself hounded and harassed by the young woman who wants a relationship with her. She won't accept that my friend doesn't want a relationship with her. Is only her mother biologically. My friend had to tell her young sons before they were ready. She met the girl twice twice but that probably did more harm than good because it gave the young woman....she's about 30 now....hope. So, I do have sympathy for people (almost always women) who have their lives blown apart by such sites. You are right, there are no secrets now.

Re: Family Secrets

kaydee50 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:29:22 GMT

Have no desire to research my DNA or genealogy. IMO, ignorance is bliss--LOL!!

Re: Family Secrets

RollTide2008 — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:51:34 GMT

I don't think anything good can come of shaking my family tree. I'm sure some kind of fruits and nuts are going to fall out that I don't want to know about.

Re: Family Secrets

JeanLouiseFinch — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 19:13:00 GMT

No family secrets have been exposed this way, but we did have one that I didn't know about until I was in my twenties. All the cousins seemed to know, but they were all older than me, the closest being 5 yrs. older. I am the second youngest in our extended family so it makes sense that I was never aware. It wasn't something that was openly discussed. In fact, it was a non-issue. When I did find out, it was because my sister told me.

Re: Family Secrets

Boehm Collector — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 19:36:32 GMT

@QVCkitty1 I did an Ancestry DNA test a few years ago. Many of the matches were correct because I recognized the names. One was a first cousin I had not seen or heard from in about 25 years. We reconnected through Ancestry. Since then we have kept in contact and met twice. There is also a 2nd or 3rd cousin I didn't knew existed. We got in touch and it turned out his maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother were sisters. He lives in Massachusetts and I live in New Jersey. But we both happened to be in Italy back in 2019 at the same time and were able to get together. He took us to the town where my grandmother and father were born. So because he took me to the town where my father was born, I met a woman in her 90's who knew my father's family very well. My father and she had been childhood friends. I was able to speak to this cousin's elderly mother a few times before she passed away. She was so sweet and told me a lot about my grandmother's side of the family in Italy that I was not aware of. There was something about my great grandfather's brother she told me that was awful.. But other than that it has been a pleasant and very informative experience.