topic Re: Moving mother to memory care in Community Chat

Moving mother to memory care

LillyBee2 — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 08:49:47 GMT

My mother has advanced dementia. She is 97 and good physically albeit very frail. Her memory is very poor and she needs a lot of assistance with daily care. My husband and I have cared for her for 6 years. I have no siblings able or interested in helping. I also work at home full time. We're exhausted, depressed and sad. We haven't left her alone for the last 4 years so we haven't been out together. He goes to his family functions to his children and grands without me and I do the same. No vacations, no dinner out etc. I've made the decision to have her live in memory care. Small facility, seems nice. She is a loner and I'm worried that this will be difficult and she'll be angry and hurt. She is used to living alone. She is unable to cook, do housework or her favorite hobby which is knitting. These activities confuse her. She needs assistance organizing what to wear, bathing etc. Also, she has haucinations, and is sure my husbands steals her things. It's so sad, the disease is cruel. I'm hoping the memory care facility can better care for her and I can be a daughter again. The guilt and worry I've chosen a good place for her is overwhelming. Thanks for listening.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

haddon9 — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 09:58:22 GMT

I'm sorry about your mom. I understand how hard and difficult this decision is for you. My own mother never had to go into a facility and knew what was going on when she passed at the age of 94 last year. However she was starting to lose it right before she passed. She also had aides helping since she didn't want to move up to PA where I live and remained in Florida.

My brother's spouse has Lewey Body Dementia. he's only 66 but it is progressing rapidly. He hallucinates daily and will have to go into a memory care facility probably sometime this upcoming year. I feel so badly for both of them!

You will feel guilty but you need to do what is right for all of you. It would be different if you had several people willing to help out. Since it's only you and your husband you can't go on like you have. You need to have some sort of a life too!

Keep in mind, your mom may not be happy about the change but she will be well taken care of. I'm assuming she will be nearby and you could visit often.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

phoenixbrd — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 11:35:51 GMT

@LillyBee2 I'm sure this was a difficult decision for you. You are continuing to do what is best for your mother. What a responsible and loving daughter you are....for six years you have personally stepped in an cared for your mother. Unfortunately, her illness requires you to make a different decision so she will be safe. I'm sure you will continue to visit her and see that she is receiving the best of care at her facility. Be at peace with your decision, knowing that you are doing what is best for your mother.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Imaoldhippie — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 11:53:31 GMT

@LillyBee2 ..............You have done the right thing for your mother and for you, your husband and family.

You must have a very strong and loving marriage to have made the sacrifices for 6 years and survived.

First thing to do when mom is all settled in, is for you and your understanding and terrific husband to have a date night out!

Wishing you the best and know you have gone above and beyond and you and your family deserve normalcy in your lives.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Carolina925 — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 11:54:51 GMT

@LillyBee2 , so sorry you had to make this decision but you get to a point where there's no other option. Keeping her safe is what's important. I spoke with my dear mother many times before her passing about the possibility of having to put her into some sort of care, should the need arise. It was one of her biggest fears and I am thankful that we never had to do that. I'll pray for strength for you in knowing you've done all you possibly could. Now it's time to take care of yourself a little. Hugs to you.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

jackthebear — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 12:04:43 GMT

@LillyBee2 wrote:
My mother has advanced dementia. She is 97 and good physically albeit very frail. Her memory is very poor and she needs a lot of assistance with daily care. My husband and I have cared for her for 6 years. I have no siblings able or interested in helping. I also work at home full time. We're exhausted, depressed and sad. We haven't left her alone for the last 4 years so we haven't been out together. He goes to his family functions to his children and grands without me and I do the same. No vacations, no dinner out etc. I've made the decision to have her live in memory care. Small facility, seems nice. She is a loner and I'm worried that this will be difficult and she'll be angry and hurt. She is used to living alone. She is unable to cook, do housework or her favorite hobby which is knitting. These activities confuse her. She needs assistance organizing what to wear, bathing etc. Also, she has haucinations, and is sure my husbands steals her things. It's so sad, the disease is cruel. I'm hoping the memory care facility can better care for her and I can be a daughter again. The guilt and worry I've chosen a good place for her is overwhelming. Thanks for listening.

you are doing the right thing

Re: Moving mother to memory care

jlkz — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 12:20:10 GMT

My mom suffered from Alzheimer's and my dad from Lewy Body Dementia. My dad passed after my mom when LBD struck him. It was a very aggressive and quick journey for him. My mom lasted for almost 5 years.

Back then, memory impaired folks were mixed in with general population in the four-storey facility we chose. It was not a good place as the constant moving of memory care folks between floors for all meals and " recreation " area caused much confusion.

in addition to normal transition to a facility, including anger stage on her part, it led to more confusion, falls, dehydration, etc. She had to be hospitalized several times in a lock down ward.

We finally found the best memory care facility and she became stabilized. This lasted until they could no longer keep her without violating state laws: immobilizing her in wheelchair and behind the nurse's station. She was hospitalized twice for inhaling food into her lungs. Then we found a nursing home.

In one lucid moment the evening we brought her to the first facility, we were alone and she told me as she was trying to remove the memory bracelet: I know I am failing. Told her she was in good hands and would be protected. We would be checking in and visiting her a lot. That calmed her.

Find a local Alzheimer's support group and attend. There is so much to learn and understand, not just for the parent but also for those who care about the parent.

There are many stages that you will pass through as the parent progresses down this road.

Two things I remember to this day: one late afternoon as I was walking to the social circle, my mother saw me and said " How nice you look "....it was the first time in my life that she complimented me !

Second thing ( in the nursing home ) by now she didn't know who I was: She gave me a new name " Lovely Lady"

Thank goodness I have those two memories from that time !

It's called the Long Good-Bye for a reason. A little bit disappears constantly until very little is left. It is a very hard road, esp. for those caring for someone with dementia.

Please take advantage of support where it is available...for your own mental and physical health.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

ECBG — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 12:31:55 GMT

Your situation is very moving. You certainly have done the very best that anyone could have. Many places have wonderful elderly care with caring staff that have advanced knowledge in how to care for your mother in the very best way possible.

You sound like you and your husband need to take this step.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Thats Me — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 12:54:31 GMT

@LillyBee2 @I agree with what everyone here has expressed. You definitely did the right thing. Right for you and family AND your mother. The other thing is, she is now in a place where she will receive care from trained health professionals. I don't know what you and your husband's professions are, but unless you're professionally trained to care for someone with that advanced degree of dementia, I don't know if that patient could receive the proper care and attention. Maybe, but I don't know. This way you can feel comfort and relief that she will get the care she needs. Kudos to you for making what had to be a really hard but necessary decision. My thoughts and prayers to you all.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

CalminHeart — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 13:27:37 GMT

Call your state's elder care omsbudsman or State Dept on Aging and find out where you can find an adult caregiver to cover for date nights, an overnight, or just to give you a few hours break.

Check with Medicare to see what their requirements are to help cover the expenses for that kind of help.

Caregivers need breaks and don't feel guilty for taking them.

I was the caregiver for my disabled sister. It drained the life out of me and stressed me to the point of hurting my own health and relationships. I'll never let it get that bad again.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

CrazyDaisy — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 13:33:39 GMT

Enjoy spending time with your mom as a daughter. You will both enjoy that time so much better without the added stress.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

CalminHeart — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 13:34:17 GMT

@CalminHeart wrote:
Call your state's elder care omsbudsman or State Dept on Aging and find out where you can find an adult caregiver to cover for date nights, an overnight, or just to give you a few hours break.

Check with Medicare to see what their requirements are to help cover the expenses for that kind of help.

Caregivers need breaks and don't feel guilty for taking them.

I was the caregiver for my disabled sister. It drained the life out of me and stressed me to the point of hurting my own health and relationships. I'll never let it get that bad again.

Many times, care centers and memory units are better than being in a loved one's home. They are staffed with people who care, have expertise we may not have, and allow social lives they can't get sitting at home. Do not feel guilty. You deserve a life too.

I've looked at some care centers in my area for my 91 yr old dad. I go to his home every day to help with whatever he needs. He's fiercely independent but has become willing to ask for or accept more help in the last few years. Luckily, he's of sound enough mind that he knows he'll have to move in the next year or two.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

vermint — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 14:31:34 GMT

@LillyBee2 Of course you worry and feel guilty--you are a good, loving daughter who has done all you can for your mother, and even more than many would have! But you've made the right decision at the right time for you. Caring for someone with dementia at home is a whole different ballgame than caring for someone's physical needs, IMO, and caring for the physical needs is hard enough.

We've had a few cases over the last year in my area where someone with dementia has wandered away from home--sometimes for days. These cases did not always have a happy ending, and I imagine their families were overwhelemed with guilt. Your mom will be kept safe and protected, by people who know how to meet her needs.

Please take good care of yourself, and know that your husband is a wonderful man for dealing with all this alongside you for six years! Wishing you the best, and will keep all of you in my prayers.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Skyegirl21 — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 14:39:46 GMT

You ( and your hubby) sound like amazing people with huge hearts of gold. You have given, sacrificed and done more than what most people would ever do. Please find your peace and go live, enjoy the lives you deserve to have yourselves! I bet momma would want that! 💝💝🙏💪🏽

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Sooner — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 14:59:23 GMT

@LillyBee2 Please do not feel quilty. You have simply done more than you can do and you are human. When this situation arises, you really cannot make it better. You do not have the power to "fix it" or change it.

You described my mom, but with her it reached a critical tipping point quickly. We worked, did not live close, and she has been in a care facility a very long time. Like your mom, she was a loner too and we worried about her.

The people who run places know how to deal with people. They let her shower when she wants even if it is 3 a.m., sleep when she wants and occasionally she attends functions they have. She is happy, she is catered too, and she has medical care. When she first got there she would barricade herself in her room but that quickly stopped. She is very satisfied there most of the time.

You have a life and deserve to live it. Just remember that there are things we do not have control over. You can't make her young and well again. ALL you can do is the best you can. You can't live her life for her. You have my best wishes and I hope your faith and understanding that there are forces higher than ours will carry you through.

For now, enjoy the things you can again and know that THAT would make your mom happiest if she were rational.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

ValuSkr — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 15:12:17 GMT

I don't like to say this, but the problem with institutionalizing folks now is that they'll likely be exposed to COVID and they'll have little resistance since, prior to that, we were keeping them in a virtual bubble. I know from experience. My father, 89, entered memory care in early October and had COVID within three or four weeks. He had been vaccinated and boosted but still got very sick.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

LillyBee2 — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 15:12:33 GMT

Thank you all for the kind words. I appreciate the support. It will be a difficult transition, but necessary. It will be strange her not with us, but we're looking forward to having a life together again. I'll visit her often.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

MamaWick — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 15:37:09 GMT

My mother is also in a memory care unit after living with my younger sister for 12 years. I don't know how my sister did it all, and she is my hero. We sent money every quarter to help. Even though mom went into the home 18 months ago, we still send my sister money as I don't think what we sent previously was ever enough. You and your husband have my utmost admiration for what you have done for your mother. I've seen firsthand what hard work it is. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about your decision. Your mother will be much safer.

Re: Moving mother to memory care

BoopOMatic — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 15:40:06 GMT

@LillyBee2 You have given your mother wonderful care for years, and I'm sure she will receive great care in her new home. You are definitely doing the right thing. xo

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Justshop — Sat, 31 Dec 2022 16:13:25 GMT

Using the expression "institutionalizing folks" strikes me as harsh and inaccurate. Sounds like LillyBee2 found a placement for her mom that can give her the care and treatment she needs, which will allow her to interact with her mom as daughter instead of caretaker. I can only imagine how exhausted, conflicted and sad she must be feeling...I will keep her in my prayers.