topic Re: Weigh In On This in Community Chat

Weigh In On This

Jordan2 — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:04:00 GMT

My sister has a landline phone she doesn't use, I call her on her cellphone. She has a habit of having her calls on speaker. I don't like her husband, he doesn't like me and has bean mean and emotionally abusive to me. She will talk to me on speaker with him sitting right next to her! I have told her please don't put me on speaker when he is around, I don't want him to know anything that is going on in my life. She will take her children's calls off speaker when I am with her for privacy which is fine by me. I said something to her again today, she says well there my be times I can't call you, I said that's fine. I always felt a conversation is between two people, I don't need a third party hanging on every word.

Re: Weigh In On This

Kachina624 — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:15:56 GMT

@Jordan2 Have you asked your sister WHY she insists on including her husband on your phone calls? Makes me wonder if he has accused the two of you plotting against his interests or something similar.

Re: Weigh In On This

deepwaterdotter — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:16:45 GMT

I would cease calling her.

Re: Weigh In On This

Snowpuppy — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:19:50 GMT

"Call when you're alone and free to chat " s a great txt to send.

Let her call you. If she doesn't call then you're not a priority.

Re: Weigh In On This

eadu4 — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:19:53 GMT

@Jordan2 sounds to me like he told her to have you on speaker phone. Just guessing but sure sounds like he wants it that way. If I was going to continue to call I'd leave things simple and mention nothing beyond "things are fine just calling to say hi". I would no longer discuss my life and if she asks I'd say I needed to run and end the call. She'll get the message.

Re: Weigh In On This

bikerbabe — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:20:25 GMT

Being totally honest here, if you believe he’s emotionally abusive to you, it’s very likely he is to her as well, even if it’s not apparent while others are around. My first suspicion is that he makes it difficult for her if she tries to talk to you privately.

Re: Weigh In On This

Chopsmom — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:21:39 GMT

@Jordan2 You are 100% correct. There are times when my cell rings and I have a passenger in the car I make sure the caller knows that the conversation is being heard. If I'm not in the car, there is no speaker for my calls.

Does her husband demand that she keeps her calls on speaker?

Re: Weigh In On This

Jordan2 — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:29:07 GMT

@eadu4 no, she likes to talk with people on speaker, he has nothing to do with it. My sister and I are not plotting against him! @bikerbabe he can be a bully at times, there have been times I haven't liked the way he has treated her ( I want to be clear he is not physically abusive to her).

Re: Weigh In On This

Kachina624 — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:30:38 GMT

@Jordan2 Nobody said you two were plotting against him but that he MAY THINK YOU ARE. If he's abusive to both of you, he may think you're talking about him.

Re: Weigh In On This

BlueFinch — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:36:18 GMT

@Jordan2 It's very poor form to put anyone on speaker, unless the people hearing the call are also sharing in the call. It's not so someone else can passively eavesdrop on a private conversation.

In fact, it's good etiquette to always ask someone if they mind being put on speaker. I always ask. Something's going on that your sister is refusing your requests to talk privately.

You say your sister's hubby has been mean and abusive to you. Perhaps he's the one demanding to hear your calls due to some back story only you could be aware of.

Maybe he doesn't trust you, or perhaps he's not that nice to your sister either and it's a serious control issue. Your word 'abusive' to you, is of concern.

People abusive to one person are often abusive to others. Mean and abusive is NEVER okay.

Re: Weigh In On This

spumoni99 — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:36:20 GMT

@deepwaterdotter wrote:
I would cease calling her.

Having just lost a loved one whom I didn't always agree with about everything this is horrible advice, even if there are differences of opinion it is still her sister and I assume she loves him.

My daughter has me on speaker a lot, she is breastfeeding a baby and I think its just hands free, a few times I didn't know and brought up christmas presents for the grandkids etc so now before I say anything confidential I ask if I am on speaker but I am okay with it otherwise.

I like the idea of texting her asking her to call you when she is alone and free, I would just cease the calls when he is around and will be listening to you on speaker.

Re: Weigh In On This

moonandthestars — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:44:01 GMT

@Jordan2 That's too bad she's being that way. I also am close with someone who almost always has me on speaker phone even when they are not alone. and I don't like it. Don't appreciate being on a group call so often. Maybe call her on her landline next time? Or text her? I definitely wouldn't cut her out of your life because she is your sister and you care about her, just keep reminding her that you would like to have more private conversations with her - don't say it's because you and her husband don't get along - just say you really want one to one conversations with her, that's what you want and are comfortable with.

Re: Weigh In On This

qbetzforreal — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:48:56 GMT

When you speak to each other, ask her if you're on speaker and ask her to take you off speaker. If she doesn't, tell her you're going to hang up and you'll talk to her another time.

It was stated up thread that she likes to use the speaker feature. Maybe it's a habit that she needs to break. @Jordan2

Re: Weigh In On This

CatsyCline — Mon, 31 Oct 2022 23:56:55 GMT

some people dont want the phone right by their brain! i don't.

i only ask to not be on speaker for a business call.

Re: Weigh In On This

Lucky Charm — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 00:00:20 GMT

@Jordan2 wrote:
My sister has a landline phone she doesn't use, I call her on her cellphone. She has a habit of having her calls on speaker. I don't like her husband, he doesn't like me and has bean mean and emotionally abusive to me. She will talk to me on speaker with him sitting right next to her! I have told her please don't put me on speaker when he is around, I don't want him to know anything that is going on in my life. She will take her children's calls off speaker when I am with her for privacy which is fine by me. I said something to her again today, she says well there my be times I can't call you, I said that's fine. I always felt a conversation is between two people, I don't need a third party hanging on every word.

Your sister is being very ignorant to do this, if you ask me.

I'm sure you sister is aware that her dear husband has been mean and emotionally abusive to you.

Why has she not challenged that?

I think she's being quite cruel (and emotionally abusive) to you for continuing to converse with you on her speaker phone. And even more so when she says that perhaps she may not be able to call you.

If she can take her kids off speaker in your presence, that speaks volumes.

Think about it.

Re: Weigh In On This

KathyM23 — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 00:58:53 GMT

I can't imagine having a phone conversation with a sister or a friend that is on speaker with anyone sitting next to her, husband or not. Conversations between friends/sisters often contain some private or confidential elements and no one else's business.

You say her husband is mean and abusive to you but not to her. I am sorry but I believe he is abusive to her as well and she just isn't letting you know so as not to make a bad situation worse. A bully is a bully and that is what he is.

Unless your sister confides in you I see no solution to this issue except for very superficial conversations between you and your sister when on the phone. I definitely would not cut her off as she needs you.

It is sad that you can't really have sister to sister conversations with her on the phone.

Re: Weigh In On This

Etoile308 — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 01:04:12 GMT

I usually make all my one on one phone calls on speakerphone, but no one else is around. When someone else is nearby the speaker is off.

I think if you've explained to your sister that you don't like being on speaker, and she continues, then there are two reasons. First, she doesn't respect your wishes, which is very unfortunate. Or second, she's complying with her husband's wish, which I see as a red flag control issue.

I'm of the belief people who are mean and abusive don't limit themselves to being mean and abusive to just one person.

Re: Weigh In On This

occasionalrain — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 03:25:12 GMT

You've told her you don't want to be on speaker, but she doesn't care. My guess is that even if your conversations weren't heard by her husband, she would tell him what was said. Your choice is to tell your sister nothing you don't want her husband to know or to eliminate phone conversations with her.

Re: Weigh In On This

NYCLatinaMe — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 04:35:37 GMT

Many people don't like to hold their cell phone to their face (including me), so taking calls on speaker is very common and not mean spirited in any way. I also keep ear buds handy so I can have some privacy on at least part of the conversation, and minimize noise.

But just because I have a preference for privacy, it doesn't mean the person at the other end of the call does. Many people take calls with other people present without saying anything. I have unfortunately sat in on many such calls. I sometimes try to signal the person to identify my presence, but what I have experienced is that most people don't tell. I say nothing because I don't want to embarrass the person that I am with, so I act as if I am not listening.

So I generally assume that other people may be hearing me on a call and is not my choice. The only choice I can make is whether to speak and what to say. Once I say something to someone, they can always pass it along. Or worse yet, sometimes they even pass along bad information, maybe unintentionally because they don't see/understand things the way I do. It is life.

I can and have asked people whether any one else is on a call or can hear me, but, honestly, they may not be telling me the truth. But if I don't want any one else on the call, I do ask whether any one else is, wait for the answer, and if they state someone else is, I politely request the person call me back when they have time to be by themselves. Most of the time they shortly say, OK, I am by myself now. But if I know they have that habit of letting others listen in, just because they tell me no one else is listening, I have the awareness they may not be telling me the truth.

It is what it is. Some things we just don't control.

Putting another person on speaker when that person doesn't want anyone else to hear is not abusive, IMO. It is just a different way of thinking. @Jordan2 Your sister may have her reasons for letting him listen in. Maybe she doesn't see the harm that you think it causes you. Maybe she wants him to know about you so he can see you differently. If this has come up before, this may be the kind of thing you may not be able to change her mind about. So you have to decide whether to let it go, or save some things for when you see her in person.

Re: Weigh In On This

hckynutjohn — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 05:06:43 GMT

@Jordan2

I started talking on every call, incoming or outgoing, on speakerphone, as soon as they came out. Running my Adult Hockey League over 52 years, I made hundreds and hundreds of phone calls. When I started in 1963? There were no Answering Machines or Voice Mail. They were either there to answer or they were not. The phones were also years away from having standard Speaker Phones.

Every phone call I take is via speaker phone. Most of the time it's only me and our furry kids at home. If my wife is home, and I know it is going to be a lengthy call, I take it into our computer room. That way she can watch her TV shows without having to talk over me. I don't care if she listens, no call I am on, is anything I would not want her to hear.

If I were in your situation with my sister? I would tell her I am no longer communicating with her over the phone. We can meet for lunch, just the 2 of us, and old brother-in-law can take a long long hike.

My ways have always been direct, and with someone that doesn't like me? My sister and I would work around it. I had 3 older sisters, with only 1 still alive. I got along fine with all of my brother-in-laws. If I didn't? Read my above.

hckynut 🇺🇸