topic Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long in Community Chat

Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

cookinfreak — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:17:33 GMT

Hi everyone

This got longer than I planned. When I got divorced many years ago, I started dating someone who I was kind of familiar with and I think It was a situation that we were comfortable with each other and neither one one of us wanted to get married again or if ever so it worked well for us. He had 2 teenage kids 1F, 1M. They weren't overly friendly to me, but they weren't obnoxious. I know it was a lot to do with the situation. Didn't really bother me since I knew it wouldn't get serious. We were each others transition person. We dated a few years and then it got to be off & on for a few years, and then we split for good. I had not talked with him for several years now and it has been many, many years since I saw his kids. He had moved down to Atlanta area where his children are now, but I'm not sure how long he lived there. Sadly, he passed last month from cancer and a brain tumor. I only found out because his daughter posted it on facebook. Then I received a notice from her asking if I would come to the visitation. I was very surprised. (His funeral is not for 3 weeks. Don't know why it isn't being held until then.)

I had not planned on going to visitation or funeral since I had not seen him for so long.

I did tell her I would try to make it.

If it were you, would you go? Would you feel weird?

Thanks for listening

cookin

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

BoopOMatic — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:20:36 GMT

Why did the daughter want you to come?

No I probably wouldn't go, there's no reason, unless she's afraid no one else will be there?

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

spumoni99 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:20:45 GMT

If it involved a lot of traveling and expense I probably wouldn't. Maybe his daughter is feeling bad for the way she treated you and is trying to make it up to her father and you?

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Frenchlop — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:21:44 GMT

@cookinfreak Maybe you meant more to her than you thought.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Scooby Doo — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:25:03 GMT

Yes, I would go. It's closure. She extended an olive branch and I would take it. There's no harm in that.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

mspatmac — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:29:09 GMT

If it was very close I would consider stopping by the visitation and pay my respects but the funeral, no.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Love my grandkids — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:35:37 GMT

@cookinfreak I wouldn't put out the money for travel, lodging and anything else to go to a visitation for a man I had no connection with for years.

Her request does NOT create an obligation for you.

I would tell her I can't make it and give no excuses. And no I would not feel weird.

It's history long in the past.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

chrystaltree — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:36:05 GMT

I would not be swayed by the daughter's invitation. If you want to go to the wake and funeral, then you should go. But since you hadn't seen or spoken to each other in many years, you should not feel obligated to go. You were not in each other's live so a letter of condolence or a sympathy card to the family is enough.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

LdyBugz — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:43:37 GMT

@cookinfreak If you had no intention of going in the first place, why would you go now? Attending the service out of guilt or to "look good" in the eyes of others would not be the right reason to go. If you have valid reasons to attend, then you should go. Otherwise, a sympathy card with a heartfelt note and maybe flowers would be a nice gesture.

You should definitely let her know beforehand though what your plans are. If you decide not to go, a simple explanation that it's not possible for you to make the trip right now and an expressed "thank you" for her reaching out to you is all that's needed.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Porcelain — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:49:31 GMT

You told her you would "try to make it," so I think you should do your best to show up. I think it would have been better if you hadn't said that, considering how ambivalent you actually feel.

But now that you've created that obligation for yourself with your own words, it's pretty much your duty to go if you reasonably can.

If you decide not to go, make sure to give an excuse and don't just blow her off. It's a small kindness you can do for a daughter who is mourning her father.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

DSD2 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:50:02 GMT

I feel you have gotten some excellent advice from those who have posted.

Weather you are swayed by his daughter reaching out to you or not, what does your heart say? I would let that be my guide. If you want to say goodbye, if it would give you closure, then go. We often lose track of people in our lives but please don't let that stop you if you wish to go. I think Frenchlop nailed it in that you may have meant more to her than you thought.

If not, I would reach out to his daughter with a lovely note and explain that you want to be there but cannot. There is no right and no wrong decision. Make the one that is right for you - good luck!

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

kitcat51 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 21:56:46 GMT

Do you want to go? If so go & pay your respects to a friend, it's wonderful that you had each other to deal with the life changes that come after a divorce. If not, send a condolence card with a thoughtful note. Be well @cookinfreak.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

manny2 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:01:03 GMT

There isn't a right or wrong answer. It's up to you. Do you want to open that chapter of your life again, or just let it rest, Only you can decide that.

If no, just send a heartfelt card of condolence to his daughter. You don't have to say why you didn't attend. I'm sure she will understand.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Thats Me — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:05:18 GMT

@cookinfreak @mspatmac @chrystaltree @@@These events bring out all kinds of anxieties and emotions. But my take on it is she invited you for her father, not for herself, because at one time you and he were closely connected even if you weren't serious. It certainly doesn't mean you're obligated to go; it's completely up to you, or that's how I see it. If it would give you some kind of closure, or you're curious, then by all means go. If you're not comfortable with the idea, then don't go. If you'd like to send a card and not go, then you can do that! Or none of the above! I just don't think you have to do anything here unless you want to.

If I were in your shoes, from the situation as you've described it- if I had no feelings of sadness or loss I'd probably pass. Somehow I doubt she invited you out of guilt or wanting to make peace, because it doesn't sound like it was bad at the time. It just sounds like his kids were indifferent toward you and, if anything, that probably made things easier for you and him since you had no intentions of getting serious.

Again, my guess is she invited you to honor her father's memory. She probably asked everyone she could contact who knew her father.

Just my two cents.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

annie315 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:05:30 GMT

Go. For whatever reason, it's meant to be.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Bhvbum — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:22:57 GMT

@annie315 wrote:
Go. For whatever reason, it's meant to be.

No it isn't "meant to be" it's only going to happen if she makes a decision she wants to go or not. You're suggesting our lives are not in our control.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

Flyer98 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:26:26 GMT

If it were me, I absolutely would not go. Time is precious and I wouldn't spend the time on something from the past.

Another thing to think about, if it were you that passed, would he and his children be at your visitation.

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

aroc3435 — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:33:58 GMT

@cookinfreak I've encountered something somewhat similar in a couple of relationships. And I did attend but kept in the background at the wake and funeral service but we both were in the same area of the state.

If you decide not to go, I would contact the daughter since she reached out to you and simply say circumstances have changed for you and you will not be able to attend.

I would then have a local florist send a basket arrangement of flowers to the funeral home and a modest memorial gift to a charity that he would have approved. The charity will notify the undertaker and/or family member in charge of your gift, but the charity DOES NOT disclose the amount of it.

aroc3435

Washington, DC

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

TheMemphisVette — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:44:00 GMT

would i go = yes

would i feel weird = no

Re: Surprised by a request I received Sorry, long

pupwhipped — Thu, 15 Sep 2022 22:53:37 GMT

If I had not planned to go originally then I would not let her invitation to do so sway me...or make me feel guilty in any way for not attending. And honestly, it sounds a little odd that after all this time, and with you not being that close to his children in the first place, that she would even ask you to come. It also sounds like there might be some travel involved for you to attend so that would definitely be a major consideration if it were me.

Bottom line, whatever you choose, please feel good about your decision.