topic Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death in Community Chat

Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Thu, 12 May 2022 18:24:39 GMT

My sister died last November. She was a major pack rat and her DH and daughters, well, one daughter having been unearthing and getting rid of some things. The youngest daughter wants to save everything my sister wore (20 yr. old dresses), touched or breathed on.

DS had a big box of recipes cut out of newspapers and magazines. I think some were my Mom's too. Sis hated cooking and never, ever made one of the recipes. Her youngest DD wants to keep all of them. She doesn't love cooking either. Her older sister, her Dad and I all said pick out a couple that sound good and keep them, chuck the rest.

I say keep jewerly and some paintings my sister did, the woman did really nice paintings. You can't keep everything. She doesn't have the room to haul boxes and boxes to her house either just to sit in the basement or garage.

After seeing my brother-in-law and one kid pulling their hair out I am doubling my effort to get rid of stuff before I go.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Meowingkitty — Thu, 12 May 2022 18:38:41 GMT

Smart move. My aunt religiously kept her house to a minimum so when she died there was very little to get rid of. We kept the few good things she had, donated lots to her hospice and dumped the rest. She did have an over abundance of socks and shoes so hopefully someone got some new clothes.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

gidgetgh — Thu, 12 May 2022 18:44:28 GMT

My sister's family will have it easy when they clean out my house one day. I just don't hold on to a lot of things. Literally will be a breeze for them as was my move to this house at the end of December, 2021. If your sister's younger daughter wants to keep all that stuff, it should be required that she schlep it all to her house and keep it.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:01:18 GMT

My niece asked me if I wanted the dress my sister wore to my son's wedding.................in 2001, yep, 20 years ago.

No, #1 it's 20 years old, #2 not my color or style and #3 I don't dress up.

Heck, I donated my mother of the groom dress years and years ago. I have wedding pics to see what everyone looked like.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

scatcat — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:15:46 GMT

Sounds like they are attached to sentimental objects. I know a family that obsessed about every BIC pen and trivial object in a house full of 50 years of stuff

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

cindyNC — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:19:53 GMT

I cleaned out my apartment when I moved in w/the BF and put many of my family heirlooms and antiques in storage..............rental fee has just gone up to over $300 a month. I live in southern NC and family lives in northern NY (13+ hour drive).

When the BF mother passed, some cousins wanted copies of her recipes and pitched a fit as the former daughter in law wanted them. We left them w/the cousins to copy what they wanted and when we got them back, gave them his son to give to his mother ( the exwife). She was close to the MIL after the divorce, and it seemed like it was just the cousins who objected to her getting the recipes. Not sure why.

Kudos to all of you who are cleaning out!

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Krimpette — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:20:54 GMT

My thought is that if the daughter wants to keep so much, I'd let her.....provided she pack it up and take it away. If she doesn't have the room, perhaps she plans on renting a storage cube.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

moonandthestars — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:26:13 GMT

@CrazyKittyLvr2 I'm sorry for your loss.

Please don't underestimate the sentimental value of these things for those that want to keep them. To keep them can be part of their healing process. Over time they may let some things go, but for now, they are stating what they want to hold on to and hold close. There's nothing wrong with that - it's their way, it's kind of nice.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Sooner — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:30:04 GMT

Four houses will get you out of keeping things. Or at least it did me. I got rid of things from my mother's house, even things I sometimes wish I had kept. I had had it by then.

I want to live my life not theirs. I am not a museum. I am me. And things, sadly, are no substitute for people.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

LindaSal — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:31:52 GMT

Sadly as time passes none of these material things will mean squat. We only kept very special items when my mom passed away. Luckily she did live lightly and purged a lot before her last move into independant living. Still there is a lot to go through. We donated most of her clothing and dishes, our adult kids took some but they already lived on their own so didn't need much. General "stuff" is just so meaningless, when we go I have promised my wine cellar to my siblings and some friends, LOL!

Not making light of it but after a while they will realize they really didn't need any of it,

it's the memories that matter. I wish you luck.

ETA; I am sorry for your recent loss.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Lucky Charm — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:32:26 GMT

Aww the youngest daughter is having a harder time that you about the loss of her own mother. It was just six months ago.

I wouldn't let her hear you call her mother a major pack rat, either. That could be very, very hurtful.

If she has her own home she can take whatever she wants and store it there as she pleases. I'm thinking she offered you (a dress?) that she does have an attachment to her dear mother's things--no matter how outdated or undesirable you think they are.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

SeaMaiden — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:35:21 GMT

I remember when I was like 30, my Mother who I was visiting asked if I would want her Mink stole.... I told her" Mom, no one wears those anymore and they are not politically correct"..she just could not give it away... yet had no need for it.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Helen Bach — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:35:03 GMT

This topic should be discussed more than it is. Going through my dad's condo was sad. we threw everything away and he had an awesome library. But guess who didn't want books? The library! And Goodwill didn't want most of his stuff. I too am now motivated to throw out tons of junk from our house here on the farm. Nobody wants our old junk

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

lkat — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:48:24 GMT

My mom was also a packrat and when she passed, my dad couldn't handle going through her things. As the only daughter, it ended up falling on me. I got rid of all her clothes (many still with tags), shoes, makeup, etc., but didn't get rid of anything else because my dad didn't want me to.

Fast forward to 5 years later when my dad passed and I had a whole house of stuff to go through. It was very hard, especially going through pictures and boxes of sentimental stuff she had saved in the attic. Of course my brothers had no interest in anything and were zero help! Though I did end up saving a small box of some stuff for them that I thought might mean something.

I'm not the packrat my mom was, but I do have a hard time getting rid of certain things. I try to get rid of stuff every year as I only have one child and I hate the idea of him having to go through everything. It's not easy for me though. I really wish I was a minimalist who didn't get so attached to certain things!

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

QVCkitty1 — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:54:12 GMT

We are all different. When I lost my mom after a long battle with cancer, I never wanted to see what I called her " cancer clothes " again. She had become so small, just a shadow of herself. I tossed those clothes, and donated the nicer things. In the end , I kept some jewelry, especially the things she wore all of the time. It took a while , but slowly I was left with just a few precious items, but it took longer than I could have ever imagined.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Puppy Lips — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:54:27 GMT

I can sympathize because I am continuing to go through that now. My Mom died in August 2020 and my garage is full of her stuff. I have already gone through and taken what I want - which was a lot - but I managed to make room for it all and work it in, so to speak.

For months I have been debating between a garage sale or donating. I am leaning toward donating. But of course, I have to look at it all again (that is just me) and hope I am not tempted to keep much more. I, like your neice, feel that the item has the memory attached. If I get rid of it, the memory will be gone too. Everyone is different as far as their attachment to "stuff." And everyone grieves differently too, which makes it all the harder.

Good luck in dealing with all this.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Puppy Lips — Thu, 12 May 2022 19:59:16 GMT

@SeaMaiden wrote:
I remember when I was like 30, my Mother who I was visiting asked if I would want her Mink stole.... I told her" Mom, no one wears those anymore and they are not politically correct"..she just could not give it away... yet had no need for it.

@SeaMaiden I ended up with two mink stoles, one from each of my grandmothers. Their initials are embroidered on the inside lining of each one. What will I ever do with them?

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

Puppy Lips — Thu, 12 May 2022 20:00:48 GMT

@lkat wrote:
My mom was also a packrat and when she passed, my dad couldn't handle going through her things. As the only daughter, it ended up falling on me. I got rid of all her clothes (many still with tags), shoes, makeup, etc., but didn't get rid of anything else because my dad didn't want me to.

Fast forward to 5 years later when my dad passed and I had a whole house of stuff to go through. It was very hard, especially going through pictures and boxes of sentimental stuff she had saved in the attic. Of course my brothers had no interest in anything and were zero help! Though I did end up saving a small box of some stuff for them that I thought might mean something.

I'm not the packrat my mom was, but I do have a hard time getting rid of certain things. I try to get rid of stuff every year as I only have one child and I hate the idea of him having to go through everything. It's not easy for me though. I really wish I was a minimalist who didn't get so attached to certain things!

@lkat Yeah, me too! I am right there with you.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

ROMARY — Thu, 12 May 2022 20:03:30 GMT

The sentimental daughter or relative should be allowed to take whatever she wishes, even if it's a lot of items.

Some people are just very, very sentimental. Certain items bring back good memories.

Maybe one day she will have daughters or sons who feel the same, and will cherish those items.

I'd give her a call, and tell her that she's welcome to come over and take whatever she wants.

Re: Getting Rid Of Stuff After A Death

ninjawife — Thu, 12 May 2022 20:05:03 GMT

@Puppy Lips wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
I remember when I was like 30, my Mother who I was visiting asked if I would want her Mink stole.... I told her" Mom, no one wears those anymore and they are not politically correct"..she just could not give it away... yet had no need for it.

@SeaMaiden I ended up with two mink stoles, one from each of my grandmothers. Their initials are embroidered on the inside lining of each one. What will I ever do with them?

I still have my mother's red fox jacket and white fox stole and she died in 2012. I have no idea what to do with them.