topic Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy in Community Chat

Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

golding76 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 03:43:41 GMT

Domestic Violence Awareness

Important lessons to learn from Gabby’s tragic life and death.

1. Based on the body camera video posted by the officers who pulled Gabby and her fiancé over for suspicious driving, some viewers assumed Gabby was suffering from mental illness and Brian was the stable one.

2. Some people may have assumed both partners were equally abusive and equally at fault. The old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.

3. Some people may have even assumed Gabby was the abuser and Brian was the victim.

4. These assumptions are classic. Why? Because, in many cases, the target manages to keep things together until her breaking point, at which time others may see her crying or hear her yelling or see her breaking, and then they assume she’s “crazy.”

5. Meanwhile, the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this crazy person. But all the while, he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing her to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. He LOVES to see evidence that he has hurt her. He LOVES to see her pain.

6. For this reason, “breaking her” has been his goal from the start. It may take him hours or weeks or months or even years to break her, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.

7. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target. Which brings me to my next point.

8. In the video, we see Gabby making many excuses for Brian’s behavior, and she takes all the blame for everything he does.

9. We also see Brian blaming Gabby and saying he was just trying to keep her calm.

10. This is also the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. A target becomes conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault.

11. Also, she clearly doesn’t want Brian to be in trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. Also, remember she truly believes he only acted this way because of her, so she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm.

12. Smart officers see right through this. Others buy the cover-up story. (And because some officers are also abusers, they all too frequently side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on.)

13. I actually credit the police in Gabby’s situation. They were calm, they separated the couple, they interviewed them individually, they split them up for the night, they did everything right. I’m sure the officer has tremendous guilt about the end result and wonders if he could have prevented it, but I don’t blame the officers in this case. I was actually pretty surprised and impressed with how well they treated both Brian and Gabby (and, sadly, I was thinking how rare it is to see that.)

14. Many people have been shocked by Brian’s family’s refusal to cooperate with police. I’m not shocked at all. Let’s look at that a little more closely.

15. I’m also not surprised to learn that Gabby lived with the Laundrie family for a year. We all see this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter in law. While most of us can certainly understand them wanting to protect their child, they crossed a moral line when Gabby went missing.

16. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it shows them as a system of enablers who not only allowed Brian to abuse Gabby over a long term (which probably led to her intense anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who were probably always shifting the truth to keep Gabby confused and make her believe she’s the problem. She was caught in an entire system of abuse. And once you’re in that web, it’s very very very difficult to see a way out.

17. I imagine they probably contributed to her abuse from the start and encouraged their son’s abusive behaviors by rewarding him, making excuses for him, blaming Gabby, flipping the script, and keeping her in the fog that breaks down a person’s psyche and spirit over time.

18. Gabby and Brian had been together since their teens. This is also common. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naive, and under his control…and the other is growing, learning, and maturing, it doesn’t work.

19. We hear Gabby tell the officer that Brian didn’t think she could do her travel blog. It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and was trying to make her not believe in herself.

20. She also says he didn’t like her working and that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when you listen to the full video, it sounds like he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. She wasn’t in her seat when he was ready to leave. Control issues?! He squeezed her face with his hand in anger. He cut her down and criticized her, verbally abusing her until she was a wreck of tears. He was breaking her spirit, intentionally.

21. Why? Because her focus wasn’t 100% on him. And because she had found a job she enjoyed and was good at and that allowed her to connect with other people, when he wanted her all to himself.

22. She now had this one little piece of her life that he couldn’t completely control, so he wanted fo get rid of that. It angered him. He punished her for it. See the pattern?

23. The overall takeaway? When you see someone crying like this, don’t assume she’s crazy. Don’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. Don’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And don’t assume she’s going to be okay. She just may end up your next recovered body.

24. If you or someone you love are in an unhealthy relationship, please don’t assume it will get better in time. I haven’t heard one single story where it got better. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. Nothing works when the abuser is determined to destroy that target. He will not stop until she is erased from this world or from her life. And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences.

Please don’t let the next Gabby be you or someone you love.

Domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

golding76 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 03:49:18 GMT

Yep, my abusive ex and I met when I was 18 and he was 19. (#18 on the list)

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Hippiified — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 03:59:17 GMT

@golding76

You are so on point. This gives me chills. If only it could have been stopped...

Thank you.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Goldengate8361 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:07:27 GMT

That picture alone breaks my heart. Apart from the guys behavior, I am appalled at his family. Appalled.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

JamandBread — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:07:54 GMT

Isn't this all speclation? Has there even been a police press conference to verify any of these claims?

I contend we really don't know much at this point. I wont railroad Laundrie yet.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Hippiified — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:13:08 GMT

I dare to say that if you have seen it, you can recognize it.

@JamandBread

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

golding76 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:16:23 GMT

JamandBread,

I understand what you are saying, but for the folks at Domestic Violence Awareness (DVA), what they viewed on the officers' video cams suggests many actions and attitudes they've seen and studied before. That is what I am thinking. They must have felt some sort of urgency to post these lessons so soon.

What is interesting is that a couple of us who have experienced such abuse immediately sensed Gabby's feelings of hopelessness and being utterly lost and bereft after looking at the officers' photos.

The people at DVA obviously did not wish to hesitate in getting their message out. That's all I can surmise.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Kachina624 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:23:16 GMT

@golding76 Did you see the photos the cops took of Brian with cuts and scratches all over his upper arms and chest? I don't think Gabby was entirely innocent.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

golding76 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:26:22 GMT

I read about those photos but did not see them, Kachina624. Perhaps she was fighting off his attacks with all her strength and tearing at him with her nails. When in that position, you should try to save yourself.

My thought is that he was physically cruel to her. These guys attack in any way they can.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

gertrudecloset — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:28:10 GMT

@Kachina624 wrote:
@golding76 Did you see the photos the cops took of Brian with cuts and scratches all over his upper arms and chest? I don't think Gabby was entirely innocent.

Couldn't it be she was fighting back @Kachina624 . Some women in abusive relationships do. They stay, but some do fight back.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Kachina624 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 04:35:40 GMT

@gertrudecloset We don't know, do we?

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Queen of shop — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 05:53:35 GMT

@golding76 This is the saddest picture. When I first saw it days ago, all I could see were her hands positioned in a prayer pose. She probably didn't even know her hands were that way. She looked terrified.

If they were both having a tough time on this trip, with them BOTH ~supposedly slapping, shoving and hitting each other, I wish she would have texted her mom or birth, real father who lives in Vero Florida to wire her money and GET OUT of there. Or at the very least tell the Moab police that she wanted to be seperated with the idea of leaving Brian in the morning . Or when her mom, stepfather or real dad could fly out and get her. Pretty sure that's what I would have done. No...that is definitely what I would have done.

I ~think the reason that this case captured the attention of the world is because you can relate to her sweetness to cover for Brian. And the fact that this is pure domestic violence. SHE was going to change him. But it doesn't work that way. You cannot change anyone. Their true colors always bubbly to the surface.

If a man makes you cry for whatever reason, or makes you doubt yourself and just always wants to be with YOU and has no friends and wants you to have no friends, well that is a HUGE red flag. That is NOT love. It is control. It might seem like flattery at first to be his be all end all. It's not. You need to get rid of the whole man.

We all learned a lot about this kind of behavior from Nicole Brown. This will no doubt be a refresher course. I REALLY hate that we need a refresher course at Gabby's expense.

If and when he is found, I hope he is alive. A psychological work up would be interesting where he fell of the track in his life. If he DIDN'T kill her, a work up is still needed why he ran.

I also don't think that his parents are going to fair well either. What a mess.

This is all just MY opinion.

RIP Gabby

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Love my grandkids — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 06:15:14 GMT

And this is happening to hundreds of woman every single day in this country. She is by far not the only victim.

And I'm convinced his c r a p p y parents have been in cahoots with him all this time. I'll wait and see if anyone in authority can prove me wrong.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

Tinkrbl44 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 07:16:15 GMT

I can still vividly recall a teenage couple when I was in high school. He was very overbearing and really had her under his thumb. I witnessed what we all now call abusive behavior ... he would twist her arm and squeeze her and you could see the pain on her face. I never saw any teacher interevene.

I always wondered what ever happened to her. I hope she got away from him.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

decaf — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 12:08:38 GMT

@golding76 I agree with most of what you said but I don't agree with #13, crediting the Moab police for how they handled the domestic violence situation. They totally bungled it and that might have unfortunately played a huge part in what happened to Gabby.

We don't even know if Brian's injuries weren't self inflicted just to make it look like Gabby was the abuser. We do know, from multiple witnesses, that Brian was a controlling and abusive boyfriend, but the police missed all the classic signs. The police should have done much more, not just separated them for the night.

If Gabby was manic and unstable like they wrote in their report they should have, at minimum, taken her in for observation and she would have been attended to by psychiatric professionals. Or Gabby, or both Gabby and Brian, should have been arrested. In any of these scenarios their families back east very likely would have been notified of what was going on.

Instead, the police's actions allowed them to get back together the next day, maybe even that same night. With the police actually condoning Brian's behavior and not excusing Gabby's, tensions likely continued to mount and his anger and abuse continued to escalate because the argument between them was never resolved.

This led to Brian becoming even more unstable, displaying his narcissist and abusive behavior towards her in public places and, very likely, causing her murder in the next few days. The Moab police should expect a huge lawsuit from Gabby's family for their inept handling of this case.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

PamfromCT — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 09:32:56 GMT

There was an interview I saw with a couple from Utah. They had seen Brian slapping Gabby and called the Utah police. I guess that very important call was lost in their “system.” How could that be? Was that not extremely relevant?

And since when does crying indicate a “mental problem”???

That “diagnosis” by police makes me cringe. Just because she was shaken and crying after an abusive event?

Shame on the Utah police. They missed an opportunity and erred in their judgment of Gabby.. And certainly will not even get into how little I think of Brian’s family.

May this precious young woman Rest In Peace.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

PamfromCT — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 11:00:48 GMT

I want to say that I saw a case of abuse directed toward a member of my family. Never physical, but very methodical, trying to destroy a person’s self-esteem. And it can happen with older and highly educated people.

After the breakup, I became the focus of the abuser. I was the cause of the breakup, you see. I will end it here, as you will have to see the movie version.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

mom2four0418 — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 11:29:28 GMT

@golding76

Which DV website was your post taken from? TIA

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

CalminHeart — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 11:36:58 GMT

@JamandBread wrote:
Isn't this all speclation? Has there even been a police press conference to verify any of these claims?
I contend we really don't know much at this point. I wont railroad Laundrie yet.

As a former victim of domestic violence, I see all the signs just from the videos and police cam and other pictures shown on the news. That he locked her out of the van is telling. That he was mad about her working was telling.

Obviously the cop saw signs too because he talked to her about it and his own history.

Please don't revictimize victims.

BTW, if Laundrie was innocent, he wouldn't have run away.

Re: Domestic Violence Awareness Site Posted Lessons to Be Learned from Gabby's Tragedy

CalminHeart — Sat, 25 Sep 2021 11:39:36 GMT

@PamfromCT wrote:
There was an interview I saw with a couple from Utah. They had seen Brian slapping Gabby and called the Utah police. I guess that very important call was lost in their “system.” How could that be? Was that not extremely relevant?
And since when does crying indicate a “mental problem”???

That “diagnosis” by police makes me cringe. Just because she was shaken and crying after an abusive event?
Shame on the Utah police. They missed an opportunity and erred in their judgment of Gabby.. And certainly will not even get into how little I think of Brian’s family.

May this precious young woman Rest In Peace.

There is police cam video of the cop talking to Gabby about domestic violence and he even relayed his own story so he didn't really miss it. But I agree, Laundrie should have been arrested for slapping her.