topic Re: would you be suspicious in Community Chat

would you be suspicious

GoneButNotForgotten — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:13:47 GMT

Recently dh and I received an invitation to the Bat Mitvah of his niece's daughter.

We were pretty surprised because we haven't heard from them in at least 10 years. I wouldn't say that we're exactly estranged but it's more that they've gone their way and we've gone ours. I suspect that it has a lot to do with my refusal to convert (dh is Jewish) despite many "discussions" and not-so-subtle hints by my sister-in-law.

BTW, dh is fine with my not converting.

Anyway, we've tried, from time to time, to get in touch with them and kind of restore family ties, but they haven't responded and after a while I gave up. I can only slam my head against a brick wall so long until I realize I'm wasting my time.

So all of a sudden we received an invitation to the Bat Miztvah the other day. I was stupedfied with surprise and so was my husband.

I am, by nature, a somewhat suspicious/skeptical person (life has made me that way), and I'm looking at this situation with a jaundiced eye. My instincts say "gift grab".

What to do? We talked it over and decided we'll send a card and no gift. I don't know what else to do without being needlessly rude. It's not the kid's fault her grandparents have treated us like we don't exist but also, we don't know this kid from a hole in the wall, and I don't know if she even knows that we exist.

Families sure can be complicated.

ETA: We considered gifting her with a fountain pen and a lot of Jewish people will get the joke. We decided that would be mean and not to do it.

Re: would you be suspicious

kitty60 — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:21:45 GMT

Don't overthink it! This happens all the time during graduation season to me. Grandchildren of people I know (not close friends) who don't even live in the area sned "announcments." I drop a card in the mail and wish them well.

Re: would you be suspicious

phoenixbrd — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:43:31 GMT

You followed your instinct and your husband agreed. I would not put any more energy into your decision.

Re: would you be suspicious

jackthebear — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:26:52 GMT

No it's not a gift grab

my poliicy is to default to invite,

because the other way is more likely to incite hard feelings

all you need do is to decline and sent a card, you could include $18 for chai and be a mensch

Re: would you be suspicious

CrazyDaisy — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:32:03 GMT

After this last year many people have evaluated family relationships. Could very well be an olive branch.

Re: would you be suspicious

GoneButNotForgotten — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:32:34 GMT

@jackthebear wrote:
No it's not a gift grab
my poliicy is to default to invite,
because the other way is more likely to incite hard feelings

here's a thought: we haven't heard from them in 10+ years. if they don't invite us, how could it incite hard feelings? it's like not being invited to a party you didn't know was happening

Re: would you be suspicious

Group 5 minus 1 — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:32:35 GMT

Sometimes for occasions invites. are sent out to everyone. I think what you are doing is the right thing.

Re: would you be suspicious

GoneButNotForgotten — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:33:45 GMT

@CrazyDaisy wrote:
After this last year many people have evaluated family relationships. Could very well be an olive branch.

That's a nice thought and I hope it's true but in this case, I'm not optimistic.

Re: would you be suspicious

River Song — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:35:08 GMT

Yup, your instincts are correct, it's a gift grab.

Personally, I would go to the event out of curiosity and see if the niece has had a change of heart. Miracles do happen and the pandemic may have opened your niece's eyes to the fragility of life. Or not, lol.

Re: would you be suspicious

Jaspersmom — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:36:16 GMT

Because you don't know these people, you don't know if they're greedy and the invitation is a gift grab. I've seen that often, but it's not everyone. In fact, I've met young people who take a portion of their monetary gifts and donate them to charity. Do whatever you and your husband are comfortable with and then let it go. Some people have to send a gift, but that's your call. Maybe you need to ask yourselves if you'll ever have contact with these people after this event. If the answer is no, then ignore the invitation or just send a card.

Re: would you be suspicious

Group 5 minus 1 — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:37:01 GMT

I doubt if the neice really knows much about who or who not was invited. After all she is only 13.

Re: would you be suspicious

CrazyDaisy — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:37:57 GMT

@GoneButNotForgotten wrote:
@CrazyDaisy wrote:
After this last year many people have evaluated family relationships. Could very well be an olive branch.

That's a nice thought and I hope it's true but in this case, I'm not optimistic.

So you were just looking for confirmation that continuing this fude was the right thing to do rather than take a chance.

Re: would you be suspicious

stevieb — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:39:29 GMT

@CrazyDaisy wrote:
After this last year many people have evaluated family relationships. Could very well be an olive branch.

I wondered the same... I wouldn't go but I might send a small check or gift of some sort. If it's a gift grab you'll know it because you won't hear from them again until the next 'occasion', at which point I'd ignore the invitation completely.

Re: would you be suspicious

goldensrbest — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:39:31 GMT

10 yrs. not hearing from them,and you are thinking of sending a gift? No way, ignore them!!!!

Re: would you be suspicious

kaydee50 — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:39:36 GMT

As long as your husband agrees, I would trash the invite and forget it.

Re: would you be suspicious

drizzellla — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:47:41 GMT

It is your husband's family. I personally would keep my mouth shut and let him decide how best to proceed.

Maybe he is ready to repair the silence that has gone on with his sister's family for 10 years.

Re: would you be suspicious

Love my grandkids — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:47:59 GMT

Gift grab. Send a card and be done.

Re: would you be suspicious

mamaslittlepotato — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:53:51 GMT

You aren’t 100% sure of their intentions. I would decline the invitation, but I would send the child a nice card with a small check (maybe $30.00?) in it. I’d write something nice in the card and I’d explain who we are.

Be the bigger person. Whatever happened between all of you isn’t her fault. I definitely wouldn’t just throw the invitation away and ignore it. That’s rude, imo.

Re: would you be suspicious

ROMARY — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 14:56:39 GMT

I would attend.

I've heard (from my parents) that the ceremony is very beautiful.

This girl probably is a very kind, sweet girl.

Let her get to know you.

She has a long life ahead of her, maybe keeping in contact with you.

It would be a nice thing, imo.

Re: would you be suspicious

hgsuddle — Sun, 27 Jun 2021 15:05:43 GMT

I am Jewish and have had two mitzvahs for my children in the last decade. These are my thoughts:

Families are strange. This is your husband's family. If he wanted to go, I would encourage him to attend. You don't want him to be able to blame you for not repairing a rift if there was a chance.

A card with a small gift of Chai ($18) is kind. It is not the child's fault you are not in her life. Perhaps just by extending that small olive branch will be enough to open the door again to revisit being in touch.