topic Re: Am I doing the right thing? in Community Chat

Am I doing the right thing?

northiie57 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:24:59 GMT

I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing. In a nutshell I have a sister who is a hoarder, I will spare you with the details. I love here and encourage her to keep purging, baby steps, a little or a lot, daily, weekly, monthly. I have seen her feel very accomplished and happy when she does purge. Here's the issue.....most of her hoard is clothing and she really really really insists to give me bags and bags of brand new and used clothes. Now I accept and thank her because all I want for her is to keep purging and find happiness. I have been donating all of the clothes to the needy who could use it. To me, clothing is a very personal choice and I want to wear my own choices. I did not tell her I am donating as I don't want her to stop purging, but most of the stuff does not fit me. What do you guys think? I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Glittergal — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:27:49 GMT

Since it's so difficult for hoarders to part with the items they hoard, it probably feels better to your sister to give them to someone she knows/trusts who will appreciate them. Maybe you could ask her what she would like to do with the items that do not fit you?

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Mindy D — Fri, 25 Jun 2021 02:03:10 GMT

@northiie57 wrote:
I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing. In a nutshell I have a sister who is a hoarder, I will spare you with the details. I love here and encourage her to keep purging, baby steps, a little or a lot, daily, weekly, monthly. I have seen her feel very accomplished and happy when she does purge. Here's the issue.....most of her hoard is clothing and she really really really insists to give me bags and bags of brand new and used clothes. Now I accept and thank her because all I want for her is to keep purging and find happiness. I have been donating all of the clothes to the needy who could use it. To me, clothing is a very personal choice and I want to wear my own choices. I did not tell her I am donating as I don't want her to stop purging, but most of the stuff does not fit me. What do you guys think? I hope I'm doing the right thing.

@northiie57 @You are doing the right thing and you are helping your sister purge. You don't have to tell her what you do with the stuff. When she gives it away to you that's all that matters. Her step is getting rid of it. You don't want to put any barriers in the way of her purging. She has a problem with letting go, so keep letting her let go.

Updated

@northiie57 Just in case, if you want to, you can keep a couple of doubled garbage bags of the clothes in your garage and if there ever becomes a time when it is better to show you have them, for any unforeseen reason, you can get some out.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

geezerette — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:31:55 GMT

@Glittergal wrote:
Since it's so difficult for hoarders to part with the items they hoard, it probably feels better to your sister to give them to someone she knows/trusts who will appreciate them. Maybe you could ask her what she would like to do with the items that do not fit you?

I agree.

As long as you tell her that many items don't fit you and you will be donating them (preferably to people in need), I don't see that's wrong. However, if she feels she's giving item to you for your own personal use and then finds out later you gave them away, I could see a huge problem.

It's a very emotional situation.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

BoopOMatic — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:34:05 GMT

@northiie57 If she's a hoarder she may be expecting you to hang onto the clothes......that may be her way of purging without really purging...

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

northiie57 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:37:51 GMT

Thank you! I just could not figure out the right way to say it to her. I think she would be fine with the donations.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

IamMrsG — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:43:26 GMT

@northiie57 Your concern and sensitivity for your sister is commendable. If / when you discuss the possibility of her donating the items, you might want to suggest that, depending on the condition and quality of the clothing, it might also be tax deductible. That is a double win--someone benefits in receiving needed clothes and she could recoup a little of her money.

Blessings to both of you!

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Katcat1 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:50:30 GMT

As long as she does not find out. Does she see you often? If she ever finds out you can tell her the clothes did not fit.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

occasionalrain — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:59:30 GMT

The objective is to clear out her hoard. Take care not to say anything that may scuttle the process.

Don't bring up donating rather than giving them to you, instead allow her to see you wearing something she's given you. It will both please and encourage her to continue.

Be careful not to donate to any place she may go and see the clothing you have discarded.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

nana59 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 16:57:44 GMT

@northiie57 wrote:
Thank you! I just could not figure out the right way to say it to her. I think she would be fine with the donations.

tell her you're donating to a women's shelter....which is a great idea....maybe she'll feel better about that....

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

LuvmyLab — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:08:58 GMT

I would keep doing what you are doing. If her thinking she is giving the clothes to you helps keep her purging and cleaning things up, keep it up. Besides, you are doing a good think by donating the items.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

must shop — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:10:35 GMT

Hoarding is a mental health disorder and needs to be trated bya proffesional. You need to get your sister into therapy.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

mom2four0418 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:13:18 GMT

Hopefully, your sister is under the care of a mental health professional.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

occasionalrain — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:17:46 GMT

@must shop wrote:
Hoarding is a mental health disorder and needs to be trated bya proffesional. You need to get your sister into therapy.

Every eccentricity is a mental health issue in one way or another. As long as her hoarding isn't endangering her health and she continues to purge, don't push therapy on her.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

kaydee50 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:19:33 GMT

@northiie57 IMO, yes you are doing the right thing. Don't see why you would hesitate continuing to do what you're doing.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

suzyQ3 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:27:29 GMT

I strongly suggest that you NOT tell her anything unless she asks. I think it's a good sign that she hasn't asked. Maybe it means that she just cares about unloading.

I, too, think that she would benefit by seeking help.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

occasionalrain — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 17:41:50 GMT

@suzyQ3 wrote:
I strongly suggest that you NOT tell her anything unless she asks. I think it's a good sign that she hasn't asked. Maybe it means that she just cares about unloading.

I, too, think that she would benefit by seeking help.

For some, more likely many, therapy becomes an addiction in and of itself.

In conversations, reference to their therapist is common. Years of therapy with no end in sight, rather an unhealthy on going dependence on their therapist.

That's not to say that therapy isn't needed and worthwhile in some cases.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

jellyBEAN — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 18:07:21 GMT

I would remain mum about what you are doing by donating her clothes. Just accept them as you have been and stay quiet.

If she finds out you have just been donating them she may stop her purging entirely. Thankfully she is just hoarding clothing. If she ever asks you about a particular item of clothing and wants it back, you can then tell her you tried it on and it didn't fit, so you gave it to someone else.

Ignorance is bliss.

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

suzyQ3 — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 18:07:53 GMT

@occasionalrain wrote:
@suzyQ3 wrote:
I strongly suggest that you NOT tell her anything unless she asks. I think it's a good sign that she hasn't asked. Maybe it means that she just cares about unloading.

I, too, think that she would benefit by seeking help.
For some, more likely many, therapy becomes an addiction in and of itself.
In conversations, reference to their therapist is common. Years of therapy with no end in sight, rather an unhealthy on going dependence on their therapist.

That's not to say that therapy isn't needed and worthwhile in some cases.

I think this a bit of an understatement thrown in just for good measure, @occasionalrain

Re: Am I doing the right thing?

Imaoldhippie — Thu, 24 Jun 2021 18:10:35 GMT

In my opinion yes you are doing the right thing.