topic Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process in Community Chat

I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

suzyQ3 — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:30:13 GMT

I am mortified that I have remained in the dark when it comes to anything financial.-- and I'm talking about even the basics. My husband is both extremely organized and a little bit of a control freak, and not always very patient. So I just let it all slide over the years, with occasional panic attacks about the future.

But we're at the age when the future is -- well, not in our favor. I've been very stressed and depressed about my ignorance at this point. I think that I have even blown this problem out of proportion.

I have tried a couple times years ago to learn what I need. My husband was definitely accommodating, but I would end up overwhelmed. The best I could do was to have him right down all the pertinent info. But getting from that list to some amount of confidence that I would handle it on my own was unrealistic.

So I sat him down a few days ago told him what I have been feeling. I asked him for his help. I had some ideas as to how we could handle this so that I would become competent. He agreed.

Each day we tackle one or two areas of our finances. I take notes. More importantly, I follow through on my own. I have to do it, not just write it down. My goal is to at least be able to have a working knowledge of how to proceed on my own.

I have no doubt that most of you are way ahead of me, considering I'm starting at zero. But maybe this will help any who have felt the way I do -- or did. :-)

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

gidgetgh — Wed, 05 May 2021 20:55:54 GMT

@suzyQ3 - good start and please, please, please keep up with this and get totally proficient and comfortable with it all. It is vitally important that both people in a marriage know all this.

Not just the finances, but stuff around the house that you might not already know and might suddenly need to manage in your own. Like, for example, where the water cut off is to the house.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

suzyQ3 — Wed, 05 May 2021 20:53:56 GMT

@gidgetgh wrote:
@suzyQ3 - good start and please, please, please keep up with this and get totally proficient and comfortable with it all. It it vitally important that both people in a marriage know all this.

Not just the finances, but stuff around the house that you might not already know and might suddenly need to manage in your own. Like, for example, where the water cut off is to the house.

Thank you for that reminder, @gidgetgh

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

Free2be — Wed, 05 May 2021 20:56:01 GMT

Oh @suzyQ3 , you made my day. I managed my home and all of the financials for many years while raising my kids but there wasn't really much to keep track of back then. After a divorce and marriage to someone who had a whole lot more and the kind of knowledge and control you speak of, it was too easy to turn all of it over except for my own accounts.

He's written those lists for me, too. But they change. I kind of know where it all is or how to find it. I don't really need to do anything except know what is going on and what is coming up. Usually one person of two is the best at management and he is it.

I'm sure we would feel very overwhelmed if we had to take the reins completely. The important thing is to believe in ourselves as the competent people we are. There! I said it and I'm sticking to it!

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

Porcelain — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:02:24 GMT

I do our taxes but DH and I share the other financial responsibilities. I try to keep things as simple as possible with them. Putting everything in a shared Google calendar helped a lot.

On the other hand. I will freely admit I don't know how to work our lawnmower and I don't want to learn because then sometimes I'd probably have to use it. I should learn...

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

novamc1 — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:08:13 GMT

@suzyQ3

Don't say you're a work in "process".

You are a work in "progress".

Money and financial stuff has always been of interest to me, but I discovered after about 20 years of our 45-year marriage that some some important things needed my attention, and that Mr. Money Man husband wasn't paying attention to certain assets invested in years before we ever got married,.

Years later, I discovered he didn't notice from monthly account statements how his deceased stepmother had been and was still being ripped off by her stockbroker in a margin account before DH became her estate executor.

I took care of those loose ends in a hurry!!

DH is lucky to have me........and we're both lucky that I got my head out of the sand and started going through the file cabinet and paperwork. No longer leaving all money matters to him.

You're doing good.......keep it up and eventually all will seem manageable and under control.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

patbz — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:14:53 GMT

Perhaps you should take community college course on managing your finances? DH and I don't have this particular problem; I pay all bills and he does taxes. We both go to periodic meetings with our broker.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

suzyQ3 — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:29:00 GMT

@novamc1 wrote:
@suzyQ3

Don't say you're a work in "process".

You are a work in "progress".

Money and financial stuff has always been of interest to me, but I discovered after about 20 years of our 45-year marriage that some some important things needed my attention, and that Mr. Money Man husband wasn't paying attention to certain assets invested in years before we ever got married,.

Years later, I discovered he didn't notice from monthly account statements how his deceased stepmother had been and was still being ripped off by her stockbroker in a margin account before DH became her estate executor.

I took care of those loose ends in a hurry!!

DH is lucky to have me........and we're both lucky that I got my head out of the sand and started going through the file cabinet and paperwork. No longer leaving all money matters to him.

You're doing good.......keep it up and eventually all will seem manageable and under control.

Ha, @novamc1, that was a goof. I will edit it.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

suzyQ3 — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:36:42 GMT

@patbz wrote:
Perhaps you should take community college course on managing your finances? DH and I don't have this particular problem; I pay all bills and he does taxes. We both go to periodic meetings with our broker.

@patbz, our broker updates us via phone calls. None of it really matters to either of us. Our guy (from Schwab) suggests changes in our portfolio and we agree to have him go ahead.

A course might be interesting, but my objective is very narrow: I want to be able to handle our situation.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

embgm — Wed, 05 May 2021 21:44:16 GMT

. My dad handled all the finances and as an accountant was very organized and detailed. He started to explain finances to my mom about 2years in advance of his death. She had never even reconciled the checkbook. The year prior to his death he sat down with me and explained where all the accounts were, insurance policies, annuities, monthly expenses for running their household,health insurance policies etc.. What a gift that was! When he passed away it made our lives so much easier. I too am an accountant so finances are not foreign to me, but to have all the necessary info so easily accessible and organized made it that much easier. Thanks dad!

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

FrostyBabe1 — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:00:45 GMT

@suzyQ3 -

Good for you for taking that first step! Keep going.

When I worked in wealth management, I was appalled at the number of women who had absolutely no clue about their finances. None. They'd just say "oh, my husband handles that". But then something would happen to their husband and they'd have no idea what to do and it made a stressful situation much, much worse.

Personal financial education and knowledge is absolutely critical for everyone - no matter how much you trust your partner to handle things. It's your money and future, too.

Edited to add: you mentioned that your brokerage accounts are with Schwab. The client facing side of the Schwab website has some excellent educational material available which you could peruse at your leisure. Their research function will particularly help if you're interested in learning more about your investments.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

SilleeMee — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:33:02 GMT

Better late than never. Doing things yourself, no matter what they are, will always be a good thing when it's done right. I've done it all of my life. I've lived alone for the past twenty-five years and still doing it all on my own.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

Nancy Drew — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:01:30 GMT

This was my issue ten years ago. I wrote down all my questions, he answered them. He made a list of all bills with websites and passwords, when due how, how much, how we pay( check, directly from account automatically, etc).A yearly list because somethings are a lump sum once a year, umbrella insurance for example.He wrote an If I die for dummies list of what to do. He set up a financial advisor for us both connected to our 401k with a long standing company that will take over as just my financial advisor when the time comes. We are in the processing of putting everything in both our names. Anything I missed the Internet can fill in. I can sleep at night now. Forget about yesterday and what didn't happen, focus on today. It is a chore but I have everything in a notebook and now instead of establishing the initial data, we yearly update.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

haddon9 — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:00:46 GMT

I do all of the monthly bills and have been doing so since we were first married. DH used to do our taxes until he got very sick 9 years ago and now our financial planner does them for us.

He was forced into early retirement when he got sick and it was an eye opening experience trying to learn all about how to manage our retirement finances.

Our financial planner goes over everything for us whenever we need him to discuss matters. It's still very much a learning process for me since I often can't make heads or tails of many stocks and how they work exactly. However I trust him (he is my brother in law) and he loves his work and everything finance!

I recently got together with a friend who is about to retire in June. She told me that she and her DH had gotten together with their financial planner to go over everything and she seemed to be happy with the results.

However she told me that in the early months of the pandemic, her DH withdrew all of their money from stocks when the market was going south....I told her that it has been doing great all year and is higher than ever. I hate to see someone sell at a low point and lose so much in assets. Of course no one knows what the future holds but my financial planner likes us to have a balanced portfolio and he looks at a bear market as an opportunity to buy.

In addition to finances, I agree with another poster that it's really important for us to know what many our husbands have mostly been taking care of like the water lines, etc.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

QVCkitty1 — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:17:20 GMT

Good for you, I was one of those people who stuck her fingers in her ears and sang nah, nah, nah. when anyone tried to explain finances. Fortunately I put on my big girl pants and learned what I needed to know. It bores the stuffing out of me, but it has to be done. 💰? 💰

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

LuvmyLab — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:21:11 GMT

I'm the opposite of you. I pay all the bills and manage our money. I've explained to hubs how to pay bills online and have had him do some on a regular basis. He needs to know how to do this in case something happens to me. Regardless of who manages the money in one's family, both people need to know how to do it.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in process

patbz — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:25:53 GMT

As my Dad said right after the stock market crash of 1987: "Its only a paper loss unless you sell". In the stock market of 2008, we gulped hard and didn't change a thing; market has almost doubled since then. Now that everything is paid off, we try to live on SS and our government pensions and let our investments ride.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

drizzellla — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:35:01 GMT

@suzyQ3 :

What a fortunate woman you are. That you realized you needed to learn more about your finances and your husband is giving you all the information that you need to learn.

I am so glad to read this.

My Mom had a few things that interested her and everything else she expected someone else to take care of. So unfortunately my Dad had a stroke. He was in rehab for 6 months to learn how to talk, eat, walk etc. And then spent 10+ years in a nursing home.

Mom was lost. She resented that she now had to buy groceries, cook and take care of the household. She had no idea about the finances and didn't want to learn. She hap hazard sold stock against the Stockbroker's advise. AND she kept no records of what she did. In fact she shredded all statements and cancelled checks. Not a pretty sight.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

suzyQ3 — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:41:16 GMT

All your posts are so very helpful, not just for such good advice but also to hear all the different stories.

Re: I was a financial idiot -- now a work in progress

AuntG — Wed, 05 May 2021 22:45:38 GMT

You're probably more competent than you give yourself credit for. While working, we kept separate bank accounts. I liked that I still managed my own money. Each year, we'd alternate with one of us paying the mortgage, and the other the utilities and insurance. It all evened out. I was the one who actually suggested this separate but equal idea because I like giving gifts and I didn't want our money buying his gifts. It's a strange reason, but he understood and it worked for us. Now when we do the annual spring cleaning in our den, we go through the accounts and policies just to know where we are at.