topic Re: Are you an enabling parent? in Community Chat

Are you an enabling parent?

Pianomama — Tue, 31 Dec 2013 08:19:34 GMT

Two adult sons living in our home. There have been a number of issues lately, and I've been reading a book about "enabling parents". I don't think-I KNOW I am one. They are going to have to leave and be on their own, but it's hard to tell them. Tough love it is called for a reason. One of them has serious health issues. Anyone here an enabling parent or have been one? Help!

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

jeanlake — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 19:36:06 GMT

Good luck to you Piano... throwing positive energy your way. This is a new adventure for your family and healing for you and husband. Start making fun plans with your life partner now. I'm sure so much energy and money has been extended to your grown children and it's your turn now. There's a freedom that comes with your tough decision. Great book you are reading.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

4Kicks — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 19:54:12 GMT

Thanks, Mama, and Happy 2014 to You and Yours!!!!

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

violann — Wed, 01 Jan 2014 23:50:01 GMT

Just downloaded the book for my iPad. We are slowly emerging from this and all of your comments sure are helpful!

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

ROMARY — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 01:51:05 GMT

Not necessarily referring to the O/P, but in general: I've occasionally heard of the 40 (or so) year old son who still lives at home, sometimes or often unemployed, etc. It happens. Sometimes the mom wants it that way, for whatever reasons. Whatever works for certain folks. (As long as the parent(s) can afford it.)

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

BellaPaprika — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 02:12:35 GMT

I'm curious as to why they have to leave, especially the one with "serious health problems"? Life is short and what is it about in the end but helping each other make it through to the best of their abilities. Maybe that one son is not someone who should be pushed out on his own.

In Europe adult children live with their families much longer than they do here. In Italy it's quite common for the sons and their spouses to share a multi-level family home the way many immigrant families did here long ago and some still today.

Personally I would not let a well written and persuasive book "talk" me into putting my children out. For their own sakes and depending on their ages you should probably sit down with them to discuss their plans for the future. If they have none it would be a good time to help them start formulating some but telling them they have to leave seems cold to me. But then I'm not originally an American. Perhaps that is the way here.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

free-spirit — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 03:28:23 GMT

Yes .... that is why I joined Families Anonymous. You may want to look at their website.

Also may want to read Melody Beattie books on codependents. There is also a Codependents Anonymous.

If you have been enabling all their lives it is HARD to turn it around. The 12 step programs have been very helpful for us.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

ROMARY — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 04:23:05 GMT

That reminds me, that, yes.........sometimes in higher cost-of-living areas, there are multi families living in one home. Very often the grandparents take care of their children's babies. Or, sometimes all are working, grand parents included.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

violann — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 15:05:38 GMT

I think that ""enabling"" is very different from living in multigenerational households in which all members contribute and provide mutual support. Knowing the difference is part of the rehab process when that's what's needed.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

BellaPaprika — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 17:11:12 GMT

On 1/2/2014 violann said: I think that "enabling" is very different from living in multigenerational households in which all members contribute and provide mutual support. Knowing the difference is part of the rehab process when that's what's needed.

"Enabling" is one of those 12 step words that comes to us via the world of drug/alcohol addiction which gives it its' present day negative meaning in our society. Enabling can also mean helping someone in a positive way. I'm coming at this from my own experience and admittedly the OP was vague in regard to her sons' ages, whether or not they are gainfully employed,etc..

I have several friends whose adult children have graduated college and now are unable to find work. Could they go out and get a job flipping burgers? Maybe, maybe not. Those are hard to come by now also. But they are working on getting into their chosen fields and have the luxury I suppose you would say of having parents who can house and feed them. Occasionally their parents have had to help them with large expenses such as an unexpected auto repair bill but generally the young adults pay their other expenses. To a casual observer they are not "contributing" to the household, at least not financially, but in other ways they are.

In one case, the mother is going through some issues with her DH and has told me that having her daughter at home gives her so much emotional comfort and support. I don't think she ever wants her to leave! In the other, the son is able to physically help his father who has serious disability issues. Without his son at home I fear he might have to be placed in a care facility.

The OP has not divulged what has made her reach the tipping point. Is it just that she's sick of them hanging about or are they a real disruption? Is this something she feels she needs to do because a book told her so or is she at her wits end with sons who are lazy? We don't know. I only gave my perspective on how some other cultures view adult children who still live at home, whether employed outside the home or not. It's not always a negative.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

violann — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 17:55:47 GMT

I totally disagree with you Blue. One of the examples you've given may or may not be what I am thinking of, and as far as I'm concerned, the other example is not enabling at all. However, as much as I disagree with you I also think my disagreement may be semantic. Anyway, you express yourself perfectly!

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

RetRN — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 20:58:20 GMT

Many parents are hindering their children, but believe they are helping. It is every parent's job to raise their children to become independent. Adult children should be out living in the world on their own, not with their parents. So sick of all the made up excuses.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

violann — Thu, 02 Jan 2014 23:27:03 GMT

On 1/2/2014 RetRN said:
Many parents are hindering their children, but believe they are helping. It is every parent's job to raise their children to become independent. Adult children should be out living in the world on their own, not with their parents. So sick of all the made up excuses.

What "made up excuses" are you referring to?

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

Snowpuppy — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 06:35:24 GMT

It depends on everyone's circumstances.

My DS moved back home after college for 18mos. He is respectful and I asked him to do chores which he did. After finding a job it took a few months to get enough $ together to move out.

Be cautious with the "throw them out" that's become so popular today. It's a much more complicated and costly world we live in.

Please make sure you tell them how you moved out at their age, made ends meet and survived as your single girl self in your own apartment with your own car and your own job.

You did do all that, right?

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

mistriTsquirrel — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 09:14:45 GMT

On 1/2/2014 BlueCollarBabe said:
On 1/2/2014 violann said: I think that "enabling" is very different from living in multigenerational households in which all members contribute and provide mutual support. Knowing the difference is part of the rehab process when that's what's needed.

"Enabling" is one of those 12 step words that comes to us via the world of drug/alcohol addiction which gives it its' present day negative meaning in our society. Enabling can also mean helping someone in a positive way. I'm coming at this from my own experience and admittedly the OP was vague in regard to her sons' ages, whether or not they are gainfully employed,etc..

I have several friends whose adult children have graduated college and now are unable to find work. Could they go out and get a job flipping burgers? Maybe, maybe not. Those are hard to come by now also. But they are working on getting into their chosen fields and have the luxury I suppose you would say of having parents who can house and feed them. Occasionally their parents have had to help them with large expenses such as an unexpected auto repair bill but generally the young adults pay their other expenses. To a casual observer they are not "contributing" to the household, at least not financially, but in other ways they are.

In one case, the mother is going through some issues with her DH and has told me that having her daughter at home gives her so much emotional comfort and support. I don't think she ever wants her to leave! In the other, the son is able to physically help his father who has serious disability issues. Without his son at home I fear he might have to be placed in a care facility.

The OP has not divulged what has made her reach the tipping point. Is it just that she's sick of them hanging about or are they a real disruption? Is this something she feels she needs to do because a book told her so or is she at her wits end with sons who are lazy? We don't know. I only gave my perspective on how some other cultures view adult children who still live at home, whether employed outside the home or not. It's not always a negative.

Yes, things are definitely different now.

For better or for worse, I've been waiting tables since college. I have not been financially able to move away.

Now that my father is terminally ill, and I seem to be the only one who faced reality early-on, I am the only one who isn't completely reeling right now.

I have always felt like the loser in my family, but now I am the one taking care of everyone else. I'm the one who took my dad to his treatments...I'm the one on-call when someone needs to talk...I'm the one doing all of the research to find better care for my dad...I'm the one pushing my mother forward, encouraging her to take care of her own health needs...I'm the one here.

My brother has a successful career and a family and they live many hours away. He cannot possibly be here to take care of everything. He's also devastated and afraid. He's going through some of the emotions I plodded through months ago privately. (I knew my family was in denial, so I could not talk to them about reality, and I started to grieve alone.)

My parents "enabled" me by helping me. Now I am helping them during this crisis. If I'd been more successful, I would've moved away from here...and there would be no one here to help.

Sometimes having your son or daughter around can be your saving grace.

After my father dies, my mother will probably move close to where my brother lives so that she can enjoy her grandchildren, and I will move away to go back to school so I can become what I was meant to be.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

Snowpuppy — Fri, 03 Jan 2014 16:32:19 GMT

mistri, you are not a loser!

OMG, you have chosen to face life's difficult challenges and not run like a coward.

I wish you strength, courage and peace during this difficult time.

A successful life includes following the path that has been laid out before you and developing the courage to keep going even when you can't see the way clearly. Many blessings to you for loving and caring when there is so much selfishness in today's world.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

BellaPaprika — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 08:10:32 GMT

Mistri, you are another example of what I was talking about and you sound like a wonderful daughter and a very wise woman. Whatever else you do with your life in the future, I suspect you are already what you were meant to be.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

paie — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 19:25:02 GMT

We have ALL been an enabling parent at one time or another.....you are not alone!!

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

ROMARY — Sun, 05 Jan 2014 00:51:48 GMT

Just remember, when and if they are home, to assign daily household chores. That is so very important, as sometimes moms 'do everything' and the teen/adult children end up laying/lying around, laxi-daisical, wasting their time away, and actually being 'bored'.

Re: Are you an enabling parent?

mistriTsquirrel — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 07:52:35 GMT

Thanks Snowpuppy and BlueCollarBabe.

I just wanted to point out another way of looking at things; helping your children may help you...you just have to know the difference between helping and enabling, I guess.