topic Re: BAD MOTHERS in Community Chat

BAD MOTHERS

furbabylover — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:26:02 GMT

A recent post here revealed that a surprising number of us were born to unloving mothers, and I was struck by the unresolved pain many expressed. I wanted to share a wonderful book on the subject:

"Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming your Life" by Peg Streep

This book blows away the myth of "human maternal love" as being instinctual, and shows how babies in the womb are hard-wired to believe their mother loves them. Women who grew up unloved by mother in a society where it is assumed that motherly love is universal, will find this a fascinating and informative read, and hopefully a healing one.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

teganslaw — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:40:23 GMT

I've always felt that not every woman is fit to be mother. I had a good mother, but not everyone is that lucky. People shouldn't have children just because they feel obligated. Parenting is not to be taken lightly, and often children are born to people who have no right to be parents IMO.

I have never had children, and don't regret it at all. I don't think I would have been patient enough to handle the responsibility. People need to think if they're even qualified to have children.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

Teller111 — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:41:21 GMT

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this! I am so glad I decided to check out the forums today. I've recently started therapy again because my mother "kicked" me out of the family back in 2017-reasons still unkown to me. I've been working on moving on with my life without my parents and my brother and sister. My head gets it, but my heart is having a hard time. I just ordered this book. Thank you again!

Re: BAD MOTHERS

Xivambala — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:41:41 GMT

I am one of these children that had a mother that was not capable of loving them. It took my whole adult life and then some to come to terms with this. I don't want to read any books. Sometimes one has to accept what is. Why do women have children if they don't want to care and raise them. I'm not trying to be mean or nasty or start arguments, I just have never understood.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

Imaoldhippie — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:44:09 GMT

@furbabylover ................thank you for this info. I wish there had been help of this kind years ago.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

suzyQ3 — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:44:10 GMT

I hope that some can benefit from reading the book. Personally, I've dealt with this as along as I can remember. It is hard-wired in my brain. It formed who I am.

There is not anything that could dissolve the heart of the problem for me. But I can say that withyears of retrospection, I can live with it most of the time.

On good days, I find some amount of empathy for her; on very bad days, I feel an indescribable rage.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

sunshine45 — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:44:18 GMT

i am sure the book is quite interesting.

i cannot relate to it at all though.

i guess i was one of the lucky ones when it came to mothers......still am.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

furbabylover — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:56:22 GMT

@suzyQ3 I know your pain. The thing about this book is that it not only offers great insight and methods for personal resolution, but you learn that there are an awful lot of us out there dealing with the lifelong effects. There is a sort of comfort in knowing that we are sisters in this struggle.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

Imaoldhippie — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:57:06 GMT

@suzyQ3 ................I understand what you are saying completely. Im trying my very best to forgive.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

agb80 — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 18:59:12 GMT

I have the opinion that women who work and are constantly stressed about money do not have the same ease that another woman would in loving and nurturing their child.

It may sound like excusing bad behavior but those who have had a hard life sometimes are not always happy or loving people and may even blame their kids for their financial situation.

I say this because I saw a rather big difference in my own mother who completely chilled out as her life got better.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

furbabylover — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 19:11:51 GMT

@Teller111 It makes me happy to think that this book may bring you insight and healing. Peg Streep has another book called "Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt". I haven't read it yet, but its on my list. Best of Luck to you!!

Re: BAD MOTHERS

FancyPhillyshopper — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 19:16:24 GMT

Well, I hope those that feel they need the help are able to use the book for assistance.

I think it is very difficult to label a woman a "bad" mother if her children grow up healthy, educated, and able to fully function in society.

I think many young women without good role models, a strong partner or a supportive family, or the financial or cultural assets may not even have known what it meant to be a "good" mother. Additionally, expectations are constantly changing and what was done fifty years ago or more is not necessarily the same. After all, Victorians used to say children should be seen but not heard.

I also think that people need to look at issues through the lense of time, and by trying to walk the experience of motherhood in their own mother's footsteps.

Opportunities have vastly changed for women over the many past decades, and certainly sharing knowledge has improved and child-rearing information is more readily available.

I also think patience, forgiveness and kindness are paramount when dealing with family, because all the relationships are so emotionally charged.

By the way, my mother and I love each other dearly, and we are very happy to be in each other's lives no matter the past.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

suzyQ3 — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 19:34:45 GMT

@FancyPhillyshopper wrote:

Well, I hope those that feel they need the help are able to use the book for assistance.

I think it is very difficult to label a woman a "bad" mother if her children grow up healthy, educated, and able to fully function in society.

I think many young women without good role models, a strong partner or a supportive family, or the financial or cultural assets may not even have known what it meant to be a "good" mother. Additionally, expectations are constantly changing and what was done fifty years ago or more is not necessarily the same. After all, Victorians used to say children should be seen but not heard.

I also think that people need to look at issues through the lense of time, and by trying to walk the experience of motherhood in their own mother's footsteps.

Opportunities have vastly changed for women over the many past decades, and certainly sharing knowledge has improved and child-rearing information is more readily available.

I also think patience, forgiveness and kindness are paramount when dealing with family, because all the relationships are so emotionally charged.

By the way, my mother and I love each other dearly, and we are very happy to be in each other's lives no matter the past.

@FancyPhillyshopper, it's not your fault, but your post is like a punch in the stomach to me, so much so that I can't really go through and explain each of your sentiments and how they hit me. Again, I know that you meant no harm.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

agb80 — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 19:40:52 GMT

@suzyQ3 dear suzyq3, I am so sorry to know this about you since I would never have guessed it from reading your posts if that is even a good yardstick to know anyone, but again, so sorry and wish for you healing and bliss in your future. You certainly are an intelligent woman and I have enjoyed reading your posts even the ones that sometimes get under my skin.....respect and best wishes to you.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

furbabylover — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 19:46:49 GMT

@suzyQ3 I had a similar reaction to this post. I think for some people it is almost impossible to see the very distinct phenomenon of the brutal void left in a woman who was unloved by her mother. There is no explanation about the bad mother that ameliorates the searing pain, the terribly unique pain, of being unloved by her. We are taught that we must forgive all, but that removes the focus, and somehow invalidates, the critical work of understanding one's inner workings that resulted from that unloving mother. I hope you know that your reaction is totally understandable, and I applaud you for expressing it.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

spiderw — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 20:21:41 GMT

I was very fortunate to have a loving gentle mother who everyone loved, family and friends. My guilt stems from being selfish and not being as close to her as I shoucl have.

I was selfish and lonely for a period of time and I pushed her away. I live with this guilt and wish it could have been different, or wish I could have been different. I hope she forgives me.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

qbetzforreal — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 20:37:07 GMT

Some women are not meant to be mothers. It has nothing to do with social standing, economic standing, marital status. Some women are not nuturers. Just lousy. Period. Many people were raised by women at time when society dictated you get married and have kids.

Their children reach out an make connections with people who fill the void the mother either can't or won't fill. Teachers, coaches, counselors, grandparents, aunts, uncles fill the void.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

Spurt — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 20:51:35 GMT

@teganslaw

My story is similar to yours. I was raised by a very loving mother who also was a beloved and cherished friend. I don't have children and believe each of us has special talents and a special calling in their life. Some are called to to be mothers and have children and some are not.
Bringing a child into this world is a serious responsibility for both mother and father..

Re: BAD MOTHERS

ECBG — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 20:44:44 GMT

@Xivambala wrote:
I am one of these children that had a mother that was not capable of loving them. It took my whole adult life and then some to come to terms with this. I don't want to read any books. Sometimes one has to accept what is. Why do women have children if they don't want to care and raise them. I'm not trying to be mean or nasty or start arguments, I just have never understood.

@Xivambala

It seems especially true that up until the 1970's the "mind thought" was to grow up, get married, and have children. Personalities weren't often studied unless you were in a course in preparation for a career.

(After the 1070's more women started to work outside the home.)

One would think, that most teenage girls probably baby (child) sat which would expose them to dealing with children, but still, society pushed young women to "start a family".

Another reason a woman wouldn't be a nurturing parent is forces in her life which prevent her from functioning in a nurturing way. She may be dealing with family issues, including drugs and alcohol. She may have fallen victim to drugs or alcohol because of her personal issues. Dysfunctionalism is found in many households.

Family dysfunction is when anything happens so that ALL members of the family are not nurtured fully.

Many people have an inner child or teen that they carry inside.

To understand why your mother wasn't nurturing, you would have to know quite a lot about her life before you, and what happened to mold her personality.

Re: BAD MOTHERS

furbabylover — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 21:03:52 GMT

@ECBG Here is where some of us have a problem with your post:

"To understand why your mother wasn't nurturing, you would have to know quite a lot about her life before you, and what happened to mold her personality."

As others have mentioned here, when those of us read posts suggesting that we need to explore our mother's past to explain her behavior, we feel we are somehow asked to "understand" her, and perhaps forgive her. My own mother had an idyllic childhood growing up on a farm with two loving parents and siblings. Yet she was a cruel, cold and abusive woman who took real pleasure in hurting me, for decades. I find no comfort in reviewing her past, and it almost seems that we are expected to "get over it" when we are asked to give her behavior a pass due to possible problems in her past. There is a very distinct and unique void, a "hole in the heart" that comes from not being loved by your mother. Yes, other people can help you in your life, but NOTHING fills the void of a heartless mother.